I love exercise!! It lets me eat!!!!

Had some luke warm feet this week and been looking at myself as objectively as possible and thinking do I really need this and the overwhelming answer is ......... YES SIREEE! Monday is the big day - I'll know then how long this will all take. At the moment it is March at the earliest and May at the latest. I just cant wait! I want to wear mumu's all day long! I need to wear size 20 pants at least but they are too long in the crotch but fit good at the waist and the leg loses all shape when you take them up to 40% of their original length. I'm worried about starting on a health kick in case I go below BMI 40 (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it) in case they knock me back which is my biggest fear at the moment. If i can just weigh in now and then straighten myself out for surgery for a little while I'll feel better. I just feel so out of control.

My good friend diet buddy is back on weight watchers this week and she's sweatin over the tiniest portions of food with a stomach that can hold and entire block of chocolate after a large main meal. How can you do that? Thats beyond me now. I cant engage with her cause I dont want to tell anyone about what I'm doing and I dont want to join her cause. I'm happy to exercise with her (i love exercise and I think I'll tell you that long story now) but I wont go down the food restriction side of things.

So, me and food and exercise....My problem is I over eat. I love savoury! Yum yum salt and cream and good big meals. Dont particularly like junk but I love to eat out and eat a big pub meal swimming in a creamy sauce...... oh yeah baby! Have you ever had a food gasm? The orgasm for the foodie? Oh yeah - changes who you are... very bad relationship with food - its the boy from the wrong side of the tracks... its the preachers son in Dustys famous song. Dont mind the odd dessert but give me a cheese plate any day! And wine wine wine wine. Hunter Valley was mine and food's honeymoon! Wine and great great food! I'm making myself hungry must stop!

I used to love cooking but now food is the enemy and I eat kids left overs and crusts and wipe out fry pans and saucepans. Wont cook for myself - dont deserve it.

So I learnt to exercise!

Always loved a bit of physical activity never been lazy always got something to do and I joined a gym and boy did I go for it! My entire 2007 was the gym! Loved it! but by the end of 2007 I had lost about 12kgs (6 pnds)  MAYBE on a great day. I had gone down about 3 sizes, did the city to surf at 7km per hour (thats great running/jogging) came 2nd in the very competitive survivor challenge at the gym. I was the fittest fat chick you'd ever meet. but I was still the fat chick! I was toned and tight and fit and a bit smaller but I was still fat.....can you believe it? I was doing at least 1 hour a day 6 days a week and I was fat!!!!!!! And my shit head husband just kept saying "why bother going when you just eat whatever you want when you get home" well why suffer from both ends I ask you? I exercise so I can eat!!! Duh! Anyway, I now weigh 12kgs more again after a year of very little exercise and let me tell thats why I would go to the gym shit head and anyway, its been worth it! I used to kill myself in that place for what.....12kgs!!!!!! Bugger that!

So now i cry that I am uncomfortable, awkward, I have reached my breaking point literally - my skin will split open if I keep this up. what to do!??? Not drinking for a while helps, but really, I am an addict and thats it! I cant give this up without serious intervention! How come its ok for drug addicts to go to rehab but I feel bad as a food addict going to surgery? Its still going to be hard work, its still food restriction, i still need to exercise but man, I feel like a cheater!!! Even though I know I'm not I think thats what others will think. That you go for the surgery and you wake up and you're size 8! Thats it, no input from you whatsoever! easy way out!!!!!! Wrong I know but will they know......