Higher Power for a Food Junkie

I'm bored again. There's numerous things I could be doing but none of them really feel like a Friday afternoon thing to do. I'm at a standstill with the latest project (making an office and "ooger booger" room for readings) and I dont really feel like getting too actively involved in anything cause after all, it is Friday and I really should be kicking back with a drink and welcoming in the weekend. A slave to the stereotype I know. But I dont really feel like drinking (!#$%^& shock freakin horror!) I mean, why? Whats the point? I'll probably end up having one but really, why? Oh I know why, I got pleasantly tipsy last night! Anyway, I'm bored so I've been reading my blog from the beginning. I dont know if its just the pleasantly numb (and bored) mood I'm in but I feel like I've turned a corner on all the things that used to upset me no end. I remember pouring buckets of tears on some of the pages I posted, its a wonder the keyboard still works but now, those things kinda dont really conjure a terrible lot up?!?!? I know the things I wrote were true and meaningful and quite validly upsetting, but now, I think I've turned a corner.

Perhaps with each kilo melting away its taking a problem with it? Could eating have stopped me from getting through the problems in the first place? Of course I still have issues (massive, ginormous gangsta sized problems) but they're current, past ones kinda wash over me??!! I chucked a mega wobbly yesterday and it was funny, I wanted to eat, I wanted to sulk I wanted to in some way act like an emotional baby so I washed up. Yes, Shaggs of the "anything is more important than cleaning" philosophy cleaned cause she felt bad! (well f$%^ me!). Boy am I growing up! (nice change from growing out thats for sure!) In the end I even seeked out comfort and company when normally I turn into a recluse until the pain eases (or the mint slices run out). Of course I'm probably being cocky and tomorrow I'll have a meltdown about something that happened 8 years ago but for now, its all feeling rather good!

I am so glad that this band has happened. I could never have imagined the HUGE impact on my life it would have. I remember going through withdrawals both physical and emotional and I know it wasnt easy and I know I will still suffer at times and I know the physical pain was (and sometimes still is) hideous but really, I would do it all again 100 times over.

First fill is on Monday and its hard to get my head around the fact that technically, the band isnt supposed to be working yet.... freaky hey! Boy is it pulling its weight! Pity I'm not but its doing enough work for the two of us so far. After years and years and years and years of struggling and crying and eating and bingeing and hating and screaming and just pure hate I feel like (almost literally overnight - it feels like the blink of an eye) the cloud has lifted and something or someone else now has my problem cause it is not with me anymore. For want of better words and to not go all 12 step or evangelical on you all, (totally not religious I swear) my problem has been surrendered to a higher power and that higher power is my band. I am so grateful to that little piece of silicone, to my doctor (AKA Speedy Gonzalez beside manner of a meerkat but moves faster) to my husband for the money and time and energy and most of all to my cyber friends. Does this sound like an Oscars speech or what? Should I be on Oprah? And no, I havent had any mood altering drugs (not today anyway) I havent joined a cult or religion, I'm still a food junkie I will always be teetering on the edge of a tantrum and binge but now I can live too. Its not ALL about the food.

Now this conjures up feelings in me. I could have a little cry for happiness but I think I'll drown it out with a Friday afternoon beverage (or ten).

Grieving for food

I'm kinda in a funk. Its all good its just that I want food. Or I want to be totally left alone to cope with this. I'm bored with this Optishite ( actually its not even that bad) its just that its Friday night, I would love to get some take away and a bottle of wine and what do I do when I cant?

I have found throughout the last 4 days on Opti I have noticed how many of my thoughts, actions, feelings and activities are based around food. Food punctuates every event and every waking thought and I really miss it. I really miss meat and fruit and carbs, crunchy chips or crackers or bread oh toast! Will I ever eat these things with joy again? Is this it? Do other people pine for food? My friend, my enemy its starting to feel like the acceptance stage of grief or maybe we're a little denial and a little acceptance still with a sprinkle of anger. As a mother food is one of the only things we can do or enjoy with kids around. We stay home an awful lot cause its just too hard to get out babysitting, money etc so you stay home and what..... eat, cook, eat or cook or get someone else to cook and then eat some more. Watch a movie - with food - go on a picnic - with food - go to someone elses house - take food - get kids off to school - pack food - food food food I'm freaking over this and this is why I want a band and yet here I am without a band fighting this horrendous, neverending fight. I'm starting to want to scream!!!!!!!!!!

So, yes I can eat, but more f$%^&ing vegetables. So I try to make them interesting but you know what? Its still f#$%^ing vegetables. I just want a piece of meat with my vegetables not a freakin foul milkshake. I have no inkling for maccas kfc or any other shite for that matter I just want meat. Could this be some weird protein overdose like a dog who eats raw meat for the first time and gets a taste for blood? I actually want chicken - I dont want a bleeding piece of cow. Would it be breaking if I had grilled chicken with my vegetables tonight instead of a revolting choc milkshake? Is that breaking or is having a burger or take away or wine breaking? Would that make me happy? Having chicken, would that make me happy? Or will it start the snowball rolling?

The dietician said they used to put people on low fat diets but they found that people were making all kinds of substitutes and not losing weight so Optishit is the best way to keep people on the straight and narrow. So would chicken prepared lovingly by an ex weight watcher be cheating? Funny thing is, I dont actually feel that hungry but also today I am actually not getting full either??? Strange, could there be something else at play here? Maybe PMT? Who knows? Must go my baked vegetables are ready (snore)

"I ate a prawn eye and it tasted like sugar"

Yes thats what my special lil man tells me as he's answering my random questions to him just to see what's going on behind his big hazel eyes. X, that's what we'll call him, was and is my third born and much like the other two, he was a little unexpected or should we call him a "surprise". I'd like to go back almost five years ago to when we found out he was on the way - it goes to explaining alot about how I have ended up here in the fat persons no man's land, treading water in this sea of blubber, bad health and unfulfilled dreams.

Five years ago I worked for weight watchers, yes believe it or not and no I didnt stand at the door as a reminder to members of what would happen if they didnt count points. I was a star member melting those kilos away, I knew every point value for every item of food and if I didnt you could bet I could get to within half a point. I had this thing down pat! I walked and aquaaeorbicised?? I worked at weight watchers every Saturday morning, I got my meetings for free plus we got a commission off the door which was a top meeting each week and we did well. I had two beautiful precious little girls, so well behaved, smart, sweet one 3-4 years the other 1-2 years. I had my system down pat I was organised with food, cooked, passionate about new recipes and smarter ways of making the most out of your points - in aussie terms i was GOING OFF!!! (thats a good thing just to let the rest of the world know).

Its no wonder I lost 20kgs and looked and felt great. It was a battle fighting off my possessive husband who didnt want me gone til 10am every saturday morning, out pounding the pavements every other morning fighting off those kilos and still not the perfect size 10 but damn it, I was strong and I really didnt give a hoot what he thought, he had to deal with it. I even had a little part time job at a cafe which I loved to bits. And no I didnt eat the profits! I was run off my feet 3 hours a day 3 days a week. Life was grand! Well, as grand as it was going to get! I had my two babies,no more babes for me. I begged for a tubal ligation during the second c section but I was 29 and had only 2 babies and being a know it all pig of a man my doctor decided it was not in my best interests for me to be sterilised. My husband would not go for a vasectomy because (and I quote) "while you are not the wife I want I want to keep my options open in case I want to start again with another woman" not a joke (he conveniently forgets this comment but its tucked away there and locked into about 7.5kgs of the fat I'm carrying).

So, early 2004 and over 20kgs down with less than 10 to go to perfection I went to the doctor for the morning after pill but it had recently been put onto over the counter medication, no prescription necessary BUT it would cost $40 which I didnt have at the time (times were tough thus the job at cafe and ww) the doctor normally gives me a freebie. Anyway, it was a long shot surely I would be safe just this one time......

Well, it was the day before my first born was to start primary school, emotions were running high and I had noticed that my PMS had subsided without the appearance of the M bit so there I was at the chemist buying the pregnancy test just a month after I should have bought the morning after pill. Words cannot describe the shock. The total utter devastation! All of that hard work gone just like that. I know everyone's thinking "but you dont have to gain weight when you're pregnant" but if you can just imagine for a moment what it took for a certified food junkie to control her addiction under some pretty harsh, undermining and sabotaging situations and get soooooooooooo close to goal and then deal with unplanned pregnancy to boot! And this is the least of what went on that year, I will cover the other aspects later.

I cried for a good solid half hour. I sobbed loud, shrieking, groaning, screaming wracking sobs until my husband had to ask "are we crying because we're happy or because we're sad?" and being the perfect fascade of a wife and mother I had to say it was because we were happy but man my life fell apart right there on bedroom floor. And I've cried like that for the past five years at least weekly and sometimes more often. And I have still not built a bridge and gotten over it. Five years later.....

I know this is the reason I dont start the whole diet thing again, the morbid fear that something will sabotage me ..... AGAIN! If its not me, then my husband or another child (I got that tubal ligation in the end but by then I was begging for a hysterectomy but that wasnt "in my best interests"). Of course I have started but I have all the resolve of a virgin on prom night, I have just given up the ghost. And because of alot of things that happened that year, I have given up on life alot also - doesnt make for a very solid foundation for the perfect facade. So, being the sulky, moody, temperamental, oversensitive baby that I am I am still in a funk - 5 years later!

Yes, I gained those 20 kgs and more during the pregnancy and just as the precious little spawn turned one and I should have gotten my life back and started again he turned into the child from hell and now not only did I have a possessive husband to answer to, I had a tantrum chucking possessive, aggressive toddler to deal with who would only deal with me and NO ONE ELSE and a husband who fought this every step of the way. Our house was a constant war zone. Two pig headed, possessive, aggressive bastards fighting over their bitch. It was all I could do to not drink during the day, I certainly did at night and still do for the most part. I dont know if he was a product of a bad situation or he created the bad situation but which ever way you want to look at we were a shit team. He eventually turned good at around 3 years and yeah I lost 12kgs at the gym that year but the beginning of 2008 saw the facade crack and give way and those 5 years came crashing down and its a wonder I've only gained 12kgs although the show's not over yet.

I do wonder if I had of blogged or journaled then then maybe it all wouldnt of gotten so shit cause this is really so very cathartic and I sit and say maybe I've given up on myself too soon and shouldnt resort to surgery and give this another go by myself but at the rate this process proceeds I'll have lost 20kgs by the time I get surgery anyway if I put my money where my mouth is!

So a brief idea of what also went on in those proceeding years:

- My wonderful, precious mother figure grandmother died and funnily enough - I watched her slowly starve to death! (text book psychology this, I know)

- My mother used me for 4 years to build a million dollar property for her saying that we would be able to buy and live in half of it - she of course pulled the rug out from under me after doing the 4 years hard work and wouldnt sell us the property. Too much profit at stake! Kinda hard being financially raped by your mother.

- Husband unemployed for 3 months HUGE financial and emotional strain

- sister on death bed in Queensland with strange immune disorder

- Husband EXTREMELY unsupportive during death of grandmother. In fact everyone unsupportive, after all, was ONLY my grandmother, just because she was the mother figure I didnt have.

- First baby started school (boo hoo)

- Moved house to be the perfect rental tenants to my rapist mother (told you I was a walking train crash plus couldnt give up house I had designed and laboured over plus guilt ridden cheap stable rent)

- Did I mention the unplanned baby?

There's even more in all this but we must stop somewhere....

So, why cant I build a bridge and GET OVER IT!!!!! Is all of this just a handy few reasons to not work at being an effective member of the human race? Or is this all a genuine chipping away of a character until there is just nothing left to chip? Do I deserve to fall apart never to have to stand up again for another beating down? Is the surgery just a way to help me out of the symptoms? I do see a therapist these days although there's only so much you can cover in 1 hour sessions (usually go to 1.5 hrs though) and after an hour of dredging everything up, you have to walk out on the street and continue on like everything is OK?????? What does it actually resolve???? I think this blog thing is better.

So, do I be my own worst enemy and not even let myself try...again? Am I just as guilty or more so than those around me who have hurt my precious little feelings?(once again, boo hoo) Should I toughen the $^%^% up! Should I just keep crying every week? Should I just keep eating? I dont feel like I even have the strength, determination or the trust in myself to be able to try. You know, all this time I have been thinking about husband (lets call him R), mother, sister, grandmother, friends, life, god, the universe, whatever, whoever, letting me down but the worst let down of all, me. Cause I am literally all I have and I have let myself down. I have not been there when I needed me, I was absent, I wasnt a friend to myself, I wasnt a support, I just fumbled along leaving everything to a "Shaggs of the future" to deal with at a better time. Has that time come? Is it time to step up? Can I trust myself? Will I be there when the chips are down (food again!)? Or will I let myself fall flat on my face again? Dont know cant answer all that only time will tell, the proof is in the pudding but will I even get to that point to find out.....

In the meantime, I'll lay with him on his soft little bed and hold his soft little hands and try to figure out what made him eat a prawn eye.....

I love exercise!! It lets me eat!!!!

Had some luke warm feet this week and been looking at myself as objectively as possible and thinking do I really need this and the overwhelming answer is ......... YES SIREEE! Monday is the big day - I'll know then how long this will all take. At the moment it is March at the earliest and May at the latest. I just cant wait! I want to wear mumu's all day long! I need to wear size 20 pants at least but they are too long in the crotch but fit good at the waist and the leg loses all shape when you take them up to 40% of their original length. I'm worried about starting on a health kick in case I go below BMI 40 (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it) in case they knock me back which is my biggest fear at the moment. If i can just weigh in now and then straighten myself out for surgery for a little while I'll feel better. I just feel so out of control.

My good friend diet buddy is back on weight watchers this week and she's sweatin over the tiniest portions of food with a stomach that can hold and entire block of chocolate after a large main meal. How can you do that? Thats beyond me now. I cant engage with her cause I dont want to tell anyone about what I'm doing and I dont want to join her cause. I'm happy to exercise with her (i love exercise and I think I'll tell you that long story now) but I wont go down the food restriction side of things.

So, me and food and exercise....My problem is I over eat. I love savoury! Yum yum salt and cream and good big meals. Dont particularly like junk but I love to eat out and eat a big pub meal swimming in a creamy sauce...... oh yeah baby! Have you ever had a food gasm? The orgasm for the foodie? Oh yeah - changes who you are... very bad relationship with food - its the boy from the wrong side of the tracks... its the preachers son in Dustys famous song. Dont mind the odd dessert but give me a cheese plate any day! And wine wine wine wine. Hunter Valley was mine and food's honeymoon! Wine and great great food! I'm making myself hungry must stop!

I used to love cooking but now food is the enemy and I eat kids left overs and crusts and wipe out fry pans and saucepans. Wont cook for myself - dont deserve it.

So I learnt to exercise!

Always loved a bit of physical activity never been lazy always got something to do and I joined a gym and boy did I go for it! My entire 2007 was the gym! Loved it! but by the end of 2007 I had lost about 12kgs (6 pnds)  MAYBE on a great day. I had gone down about 3 sizes, did the city to surf at 7km per hour (thats great running/jogging) came 2nd in the very competitive survivor challenge at the gym. I was the fittest fat chick you'd ever meet. but I was still the fat chick! I was toned and tight and fit and a bit smaller but I was still fat.....can you believe it? I was doing at least 1 hour a day 6 days a week and I was fat!!!!!!! And my shit head husband just kept saying "why bother going when you just eat whatever you want when you get home" well why suffer from both ends I ask you? I exercise so I can eat!!! Duh! Anyway, I now weigh 12kgs more again after a year of very little exercise and let me tell thats why I would go to the gym shit head and anyway, its been worth it! I used to kill myself in that place for what.....12kgs!!!!!! Bugger that!

So now i cry that I am uncomfortable, awkward, I have reached my breaking point literally - my skin will split open if I keep this up. what to do!??? Not drinking for a while helps, but really, I am an addict and thats it! I cant give this up without serious intervention! How come its ok for drug addicts to go to rehab but I feel bad as a food addict going to surgery? Its still going to be hard work, its still food restriction, i still need to exercise but man, I feel like a cheater!!! Even though I know I'm not I think thats what others will think. That you go for the surgery and you wake up and you're size 8! Thats it, no input from you whatsoever! easy way out!!!!!! Wrong I know but will they know......

The Day 2 Hang Over

So, day two here since final decision made and I'm looking at myself and saying "do I really need this" "I'm not so bad" "I can do this" but you know what, I can't and yes I'm bad enough and Yes I do need this. I kid myself that I wear the weight well and I'm a bit muscly and that weighs more etc etc but I cannot ignore the health effects of this weight. No matter how hard the surgery gets I will have to get through it, I'm good at getting through things but initiating and committing and resolving, nup, not my gig. 

I have always wished I woke up thin one day and all I had to do was maintain it. Do you know that feeling? That if your goal was already there, you could look after it. To eat and struggle and deprive yourself like a size 8 girl when you are in physical actuality a size 20 or more is REALLY hard. You are in your mindset and your actions a size 8 already but the disappointing reality is that you are ignored, belittled, disregarded and put down as the size 20 plus you are in the physical world. A size 8 girl maintains her size in large because of the benefits of that size to her. A size 20 girl has to see into the future and hold that to get through the day even though that future is in reality 2 years or more away. Thats hard!!!!! 

I'm looking forward to the shocking reality of not being able to eat like I do now. The difference in my life that comes with a huge change like having a baby, a marriage or surgery or given a new appendage eg: a new stomach! And I LOVE it when things are forced upon me - like there is no option to eat more I will become violently ill if i do. Pain and suffering (immediate only) is a great motivator for me. I am a procrastinator so removing all of my choices physically will be a huge relief. I am typically spoilt for choice and given the chance I will always err on the side of the bad choice. Thats what I do.

So, today I say bring it on! Its been hard not sharing this news with the whole family I saw today but I do not want to be talked out of this or put down for my decisions. I have gotten some excellent support online from other bloggers (thank you all so much) and as far as I can see in my immediate circle no one else is going through day in and day out what I'm going through and the complete strangers out there in cyber world know exactly what I'm going through so I'll take the lectures from them (even though they don't lecture) and the know it alls but actually dont know it all apart from what they see on A Current Affair can keep their noses out of it!