Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This Fat Chicks' In Luuuuurve!

I'm in love with a little silicone band.

87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87

kilograms, that is......

87 kg today! Well f$%^&*( me! That is just freakin amazing!

Loving my fill. Loving my band. Totally understand what this thing is all about. I can eat. But very carefully and very slowly. Had a bad really tight day on Sunday but just did liquids and now I'm great! No puking for two days and did I mention I weigh


I have not been that for about 2 years or more and then it was because I was busting a nut at the gym. Ha! Before that it was 6 years ago and busting a nut at weight watchers.

I'm not busting a nut now, I'm gonna bust a move.....

"Loving youuuuuuuuu is easy cause you're beautifullllllllllllll"

I love you band, I really really really love you.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

School Holiday Fun

So I didnt die over night with an eroded band and I'm here to tell the story that I love this fill and my band and I saw 88kg today. Admittedly the scales couldnt decide whether to stay 88.8 or go to 90 and since they only move in . 2 increments it could have been and 88.9 either way I saw the good side of 90 and I'm happy.

Its school holidays here and I'm actually surviving and maintaining a reasonable level of sanity. The fill has laid off a little which is reassuring and I was able to eat some lasagne last night which REALLY filled me up and wasnt really that much. I do, however, find that it does still go down rather quickly!? Maybe I need to try something more solid before I pass judgement but I did get VERY full on a VERY small amount - thank you Mr Band and my gun slinging, rootin tootin cowboy doctor.

My beautiful little poodle puppy Peter has now learnt to pick up his own lead and basically ask to go for a walk and will not enter back into our driveway until he is spent so walking it is for me now.

I now take back everything I said about school holidays - stay tuned on youtube for footage of a mother going medieval on her three little farts.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Me and My Cowboy (Doctor, that is)

So drove the one hour to get to the doctor last night and boy was he worth it!!! And boy am I filled!!! (We may all look back to this post and sigh with regret when I am hospitalised with an eroded band) BUT - I am loving this! Just the feeling of air in my stomach is filling YAY! I can feel summer coming on!

Finally I feel some respect and reverence for the band and this whole procedure. Now I wouldnt dare not be on liquids for a day and then mushies. I wouldnt dare scull diet coke after red meat. Perhaps the band is going to force me into following the rules YAY! WOW!! Could this be the beginnings of Utopia (or a major health scare)? either way I'm loving this. I can feel liquids go down! Thats cool! I've had a cappuccino and an opti filth soup for breakfast and morning tea and I could feel it all go down. Can you believe I am in such a good place I could actually consume (voluntarily) opti? Anyhow, I am going to have to be REALLY careful with this one. Wow, isnt this how it should always be? Careful or dead. Sounds like a plan Stan. This sounds like the bandsters I met in the beginning who were really successful, they were also REALLY careful.

So my doctor was great. Very knowledgeable and comforting with a dash of cowboy. HE asked me all the questions and then TOLD me what we were going to do. No thinking required of me whatsoever! Loved it! Love being dominated except when I dont. Probably shouldnt have got a whole half a ml (.25 would have been fine) but really, lets stop stuffing around. Lets at least try being really over filled so we have base line but I am secretly hoping the fill lays off just tiny bit (I guess it will this is just day one after all) I'd be really reluctant to eat solids the way I feel right now BUT - THATS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE!!! YAY!!!!!! I have a lapband. I have been getting kind of funny telling any new friends I have a lapband which would suggest some kind of restricted diet or eating and I'm pretty much chowing down on anything (and occaisionally running for a quick chuck). Now I really am going to have to be a high maintenance eater. And once again YAY!

So me and my cowboy have a secret meeting place for our next hook up - I'm not allowed to tell anyone about it as no one knows. He sometimes visits a clinic close to my house so instead of mustering my big ol' cowhide an hour away I can conveniently trot myself off just 20 minutes away - noice! Thanks cowboy - you made my day!

Oh and of course - he's not too bad on the eye either! (If you like the older man situation which I know many of you out there would appreciate!)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Fill er up!

So, we're down to losing the same two kilos over and over again except these two kilos are the 89 and 90 mark and not the 95 96 or otherwise. And tonight, for the first time in 3 months I am going for a fill! Or am I? By the time I get there tonight wearing a pair of jeans and a day's worth of food under my belt I will weigh the same as I did 3 months ago at my last fill (that was in the morning and I dont think wearing jeans) which is approx 92kgs. Now, the doctor of course will probably reach for the fill needle but I'm just not so sure.

Reasons why I should be filled:

Not very impressive weight loss (if any)
Can and will eat more than a side plate full
Hungry about 1.5 - 2 hours after eating
Still feeling hungry
Can eat almost anything without too much of a problem
I can feel the food has left my stomach about 10 minutes after eating

Reasons why I shouldnt be filled:

Still get stuck (but could this be my own stupid fault)
Tend towards the sloppy fatty foods when prone to getting stuck
General trend is weight loss not gain
Can maintain a sustainable level of satisfaction if I eat properly and follow rules (but it can be trying)

So, to fill or not to fill??? I still have not reached Utopia (total disinterest in food as per post op). I have listened to long term bandsters saying they cannot do ANY of the things I do on a daily basis eg: eat bread, eat fast, eat almost anything. I would LOVE to lose some serious weight for this whole thing they call summer. I'm starting to remember the horror and total self destruction of getting around on 40 degree (celsius) days sweating like a pig covered up in winter clothes. But am I ready to go back to getting stuck like a dog all the time? Maybe I am, its only the stupid snacking, eating out and shit foods that get stuck anyway its not really the tight band. I've had a taste - I got used to it I hit the 80's and I think I'm ready for more.

Maybe just a little top up and see how that goes???

Maybe its up to the doctor?

We'll see.....

Friday, September 11, 2009

Onederland in the 80's

I'm living in the 80's!!

So could this be the calm after the storm or the calm before the next storm, either way as we all know in the life of this food junkie, its a roller coaster comparable only with that of a diagnosed bi-polar schizophrenic (I wouldnt rule out being tested for either condition). But as it happens all that who ha last week (and every other week) always seems to lead me into a zen like coma of virtue and strict self imposed restriction resulting in.......

89.4 kilos!!!! Shaggs has broken the 90kg mental and physical block and is now in the 80's. Which also means - to the metrically challenged - I am in Onederland! 197 pounds!! Yeehah! Thats over 30 pounds lost! Bring on the mania of the manic depression kind.

Now really, I'm coming to terms with many situations in my life (for now anyway all this could change next week and I know you wont hold it against me) and instead of fighting it and just doing whatever the hell I please instead of that which might actually help me - I have just thought more about the issues instead of the crappy ways I try to avoid them (eg: eating). Instead of just aimlessly munching my way around the house I have thought twice (and thrice and up to ten times) and asked myself will this really fix anything before I do it. I have kept the 80's goal in mind and worked solely towards it. Every time I said no to food I thought about how it was going to feel on Friday morning when I weighed in under 90kgs.

And now I really understand what the band is for. In my weight watchery days this was torture, hard and fast and very hard to resist the temptations. Now with my trusty band its only a little mental torture and not deep yearning physical torture. I dont physically need to eat so at least 90% of the problem is eliminated (i do feel sorry for the old me fighting the fight alone). I have noticed that my trigger times are just before dinner and late at night so if I can just get through those two times of the day I'm all good. If I lovingly prepare a meal for myself (as i do for everyone else in my life) I am good until the next meal (low and behold!) and I dont get stuck and puke on nibbled crap. And if I stay away from alcohol (not so easy ) my prohibitions stay firmly in place and I dont end up in an alcoholic food coma.

So through adversity we find strength, every cloud has a silver lining, the only way is up and I just pray that this mature and sensible and self loving Shaggs hangs around for a little longer.

P.S. I've made some really lovely friends.
P.S.S I'm back at work again and spiritually "on fire"! (surprise surprise!)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Where to from here? What to do? HELP!

Well here we are again, starting to really feel intimidated with blogging. I feel like I rant about the same old things everyday but really, sometimes its just shit. I'm actually in a kinda nice place at the moment but I cant ignore the overwhelming feeling that I am the one in 1000 that the band does not help (maybe its more). My weight is up and down the same 2 kgs sure its not as bad as the first 2 months (when it really went up) but honestly - this is some slow moving fat. And it is all my fault I know that. I do EVERYTHING wrong. When I am conscious of what I'm doing yeah its not so bad but I still eat all day, eat all the wrong things, eat more than a bread and butter plate full I am CONSTANTLY around food and constantly nibbling.

So whats different today I hear you ask? I have to go to the doctor on Saturday and I have no idea what to say. Do you want a fill? I dont know. Are you happy with the band? I dont know. Are you possibly the most f%^&d up patient we've ever seen who is beyond help? Probably. I dont know if I am subconsciously sabotaging myself or if I'll just do whatever I can get away with. Really, is it too much to expect that my band will one day be the band it was post op? I have lost weight with the past few fills but is that just because it was too tight and I could barely eat anything and was constantly puking? Should I go back to that tight? That seems to be how others are doing it (and no i'm not including all those top chicks out there who are eating right and exercising). So much for losing 2 thirds of the weight in the first 6 months.

What am I going to do guys? I think my fill is OK at the moment cause I can eat normal foods without getting stuck BUT I can also eat a shitload too much and be hungry and looking for food after 2 hours. I dont know what to do and its shitting me. Or am I shitting me? As I said, I'm quite happy at the moment but this really needs to be sorted and first on the agenda is fill or no fill? You may say "Oh just go to the doctors and have a chat and see what he says" but the doctors here is an hour away and its a Saturday (precious family time) and smack bang in the middle of the day so its already inconvenient and if its for no good reason its even more shite.

So today I weighed in at 92 kg (after breakfast etc etc but really splitting hairs here) I have been going up and down 92kg since March. Five f$%^&*ing months! Thats shit. Whether its me or the band (and we all know its me) thats shit. Shit shit shit. So what now? Where to from here? What do I do guys? I'm just slobbing around the house, sick kids constantly (there hasnt been a week go by that someone isnt home sick since we got to Melbourne), lurking around the internet looking for something vaguely interesting to distract me from my crap, boring life, still got unpacking to do but in a stalemate cause I really dont want to be here so why keep unpacking? There's also the possibility that we may move again soon to our final destination and where we would really like to be which is Queensland. OK, honestly, I probably really dont want to be in my life at all Melbourne, Sydney or otherwise. (I honestly was feeling good before this).

Why is life so hard? Not only do you have to get through each day but you have to do it with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. You can't just glide by you have to work and work really hard. You have to be optimistic and cheery and keep on getting back up no matter how hard or how often you fall. You cant just be. You have to "be" times by ten, on steroids, hyper "be". Its shit. Oh, and I have no friends. Do I go and get a job and get busy and run 100 miles and hour from my life and never really having to face it? Will it be distracting enough or will it make things worse?

The past couple of years I have been working from home (a little isolating but very good with kids and home duties) and I could keep doing that but its going to require some work and optimism to get it up and running here and is that worth the work? Are we leaving here sometime soon? Or later? Can you believe I work as a medium and spiritual counsellor and healer requiring alot of meditation and zen like peace and calm? I'll bet none of you peeps will ever be a paying customer of this scattered freak! My clients (in Sydney) all loved our time together and came back for more and more and sent their friends (made moving even harder I left SO much behind) which just goes to prove a medium is just a channel for the other side and the information is completely seperate to the messed up human being it comes through. And yes I know I am going through a phase where I have to really sort myself out and after the storm will come the peace and through adversity blah blah blah. And why dont I heal myself? And why dont I ask "them" for the answers? Yeah, nice thought but hard to go to the "other side" in a healing meditation with three kids (including Damien) fighting like animals in the lounge room. All is good if I get my two days a week with no one around and I can keep on it but this chaos called Melbourne is really disrupting the "flow". I've thought about keeping seperate blogs for lap band, spiritual stuff and the misery of Melbourne just so I dont bore you all with stuff you'd probably rather not hear but anyway, thats me and its really hard to keep it all seperate. You dont really get the "full" picture.

(sigh).... what to do? I think it will be cleaning - seems to be the only thing that really needs doing and requires little thought. I think I need help.

Weight Loss From 27th January 2009