So whats different today I hear you ask? I have to go to the doctor on Saturday and I have no idea what to say. Do you want a fill? I dont know. Are you happy with the band? I dont know. Are you possibly the most f%^&d up patient we've ever seen who is beyond help? Probably. I dont know if I am subconsciously sabotaging myself or if I'll just do whatever I can get away with. Really, is it too much to expect that my band will one day be the band it was post op? I have lost weight with the past few fills but is that just because it was too tight and I could barely eat anything and was constantly puking? Should I go back to that tight? That seems to be how others are doing it (and no i'm not including all those top chicks out there who are eating right and exercising). So much for losing 2 thirds of the weight in the first 6 months.
What am I going to do guys? I think my fill is OK at the moment cause I can eat normal foods without getting stuck BUT I can also eat a shitload too much and be hungry and looking for food after 2 hours. I dont know what to do and its shitting me. Or am I shitting me? As I said, I'm quite happy at the moment but this really needs to be sorted and first on the agenda is fill or no fill? You may say "Oh just go to the doctors and have a chat and see what he says" but the doctors here is an hour away and its a Saturday (precious family time) and smack bang in the middle of the day so its already inconvenient and if its for no good reason its even more shite.
So today I weighed in at 92 kg (after breakfast etc etc but really splitting hairs here) I have been going up and down 92kg since March. Five f$%^&*ing months! Thats shit. Whether its me or the band (and we all know its me) thats shit. Shit shit shit. So what now? Where to from here? What do I do guys? I'm just slobbing around the house, sick kids constantly (there hasnt been a week go by that someone isnt home sick since we got to Melbourne), lurking around the internet looking for something vaguely interesting to distract me from my crap, boring life, still got unpacking to do but in a stalemate cause I really dont want to be here so why keep unpacking? There's also the possibility that we may move again soon to our final destination and where we would really like to be which is Queensland. OK, honestly, I probably really dont want to be in my life at all Melbourne, Sydney or otherwise. (I honestly was feeling good before this).
Why is life so hard? Not only do you have to get through each day but you have to do it with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. You can't just glide by you have to work and work really hard. You have to be optimistic and cheery and keep on getting back up no matter how hard or how often you fall. You cant just be. You have to "be" times by ten, on steroids, hyper "be". Its shit. Oh, and I have no friends. Do I go and get a job and get busy and run 100 miles and hour from my life and never really having to face it? Will it be distracting enough or will it make things worse?
The past couple of years I have been working from home (a little isolating but very good with kids and home duties) and I could keep doing that but its going to require some work and optimism to get it up and running here and is that worth the work? Are we leaving here sometime soon? Or later? Can you believe I work as a medium and spiritual counsellor and healer requiring alot of meditation and zen like peace and calm? I'll bet none of you peeps will ever be a paying customer of this scattered freak! My clients (in Sydney) all loved our time together and came back for more and more and sent their friends (made moving even harder I left SO much behind) which just goes to prove a medium is just a channel for the other side and the information is completely seperate to the messed up human being it comes through. And yes I know I am going through a phase where I have to really sort myself out and after the storm will come the peace and through adversity blah blah blah. And why dont I heal myself? And why dont I ask "them" for the answers? Yeah, nice thought but hard to go to the "other side" in a healing meditation with three kids (including Damien) fighting like animals in the lounge room. All is good if I get my two days a week with no one around and I can keep on it but this chaos called Melbourne is really disrupting the "flow". I've thought about keeping seperate blogs for lap band, spiritual stuff and the misery of Melbourne just so I dont bore you all with stuff you'd probably rather not hear but anyway, thats me and its really hard to keep it all seperate. You dont really get the "full" picture.
(sigh).... what to do? I think it will be cleaning - seems to be the only thing that really needs doing and requires little thought. I think I need help.