Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Where to from here? What to do? HELP!

Well here we are again, starting to really feel intimidated with blogging. I feel like I rant about the same old things everyday but really, sometimes its just shit. I'm actually in a kinda nice place at the moment but I cant ignore the overwhelming feeling that I am the one in 1000 that the band does not help (maybe its more). My weight is up and down the same 2 kgs sure its not as bad as the first 2 months (when it really went up) but honestly - this is some slow moving fat. And it is all my fault I know that. I do EVERYTHING wrong. When I am conscious of what I'm doing yeah its not so bad but I still eat all day, eat all the wrong things, eat more than a bread and butter plate full I am CONSTANTLY around food and constantly nibbling.

So whats different today I hear you ask? I have to go to the doctor on Saturday and I have no idea what to say. Do you want a fill? I dont know. Are you happy with the band? I dont know. Are you possibly the most f%^&d up patient we've ever seen who is beyond help? Probably. I dont know if I am subconsciously sabotaging myself or if I'll just do whatever I can get away with. Really, is it too much to expect that my band will one day be the band it was post op? I have lost weight with the past few fills but is that just because it was too tight and I could barely eat anything and was constantly puking? Should I go back to that tight? That seems to be how others are doing it (and no i'm not including all those top chicks out there who are eating right and exercising). So much for losing 2 thirds of the weight in the first 6 months.

What am I going to do guys? I think my fill is OK at the moment cause I can eat normal foods without getting stuck BUT I can also eat a shitload too much and be hungry and looking for food after 2 hours. I dont know what to do and its shitting me. Or am I shitting me? As I said, I'm quite happy at the moment but this really needs to be sorted and first on the agenda is fill or no fill? You may say "Oh just go to the doctors and have a chat and see what he says" but the doctors here is an hour away and its a Saturday (precious family time) and smack bang in the middle of the day so its already inconvenient and if its for no good reason its even more shite.

So today I weighed in at 92 kg (after breakfast etc etc but really splitting hairs here) I have been going up and down 92kg since March. Five f$%^&*ing months! Thats shit. Whether its me or the band (and we all know its me) thats shit. Shit shit shit. So what now? Where to from here? What do I do guys? I'm just slobbing around the house, sick kids constantly (there hasnt been a week go by that someone isnt home sick since we got to Melbourne), lurking around the internet looking for something vaguely interesting to distract me from my crap, boring life, still got unpacking to do but in a stalemate cause I really dont want to be here so why keep unpacking? There's also the possibility that we may move again soon to our final destination and where we would really like to be which is Queensland. OK, honestly, I probably really dont want to be in my life at all Melbourne, Sydney or otherwise. (I honestly was feeling good before this).

Why is life so hard? Not only do you have to get through each day but you have to do it with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. You can't just glide by you have to work and work really hard. You have to be optimistic and cheery and keep on getting back up no matter how hard or how often you fall. You cant just be. You have to "be" times by ten, on steroids, hyper "be". Its shit. Oh, and I have no friends. Do I go and get a job and get busy and run 100 miles and hour from my life and never really having to face it? Will it be distracting enough or will it make things worse?

The past couple of years I have been working from home (a little isolating but very good with kids and home duties) and I could keep doing that but its going to require some work and optimism to get it up and running here and is that worth the work? Are we leaving here sometime soon? Or later? Can you believe I work as a medium and spiritual counsellor and healer requiring alot of meditation and zen like peace and calm? I'll bet none of you peeps will ever be a paying customer of this scattered freak! My clients (in Sydney) all loved our time together and came back for more and more and sent their friends (made moving even harder I left SO much behind) which just goes to prove a medium is just a channel for the other side and the information is completely seperate to the messed up human being it comes through. And yes I know I am going through a phase where I have to really sort myself out and after the storm will come the peace and through adversity blah blah blah. And why dont I heal myself? And why dont I ask "them" for the answers? Yeah, nice thought but hard to go to the "other side" in a healing meditation with three kids (including Damien) fighting like animals in the lounge room. All is good if I get my two days a week with no one around and I can keep on it but this chaos called Melbourne is really disrupting the "flow". I've thought about keeping seperate blogs for lap band, spiritual stuff and the misery of Melbourne just so I dont bore you all with stuff you'd probably rather not hear but anyway, thats me and its really hard to keep it all seperate. You dont really get the "full" picture.

(sigh).... what to do? I think it will be cleaning - seems to be the only thing that really needs doing and requires little thought. I think I need help.


  1. Aww Shaggs, I know nothing I say or anything that anybody else says will make a whole lot of difference to the way you feel about your band or where you are living..But I am going to make a few comments and suggestions anyway, just my way of showing you that I care and have read and understood what you are saying in your blog..
    #1.. about your band.. If you are comfortable and happy with the way your band is functioning, perhaps that is the problem.. You are finding it only too easy to eat bigger portions and the wrong food.. We all got this band for one thing, and that is to help us lose the weight. So, with your band just sitting in there not really doing anything to help you, is pointless.. See about getting it tightened just a tiny bit.. Tell the new band doctor about how long you have been hovering at this weight, and you want it dealth with.
    #2.. I think that the reason you are constantly grazing is beacause of slight depression (re-missing sydney, and your current location and most of all missing your friends and family) and boredom..
    #3.. (Just an idea) how about looking at your current location, not as a living arrangement, but an extended holiday.. ???
    #4... I do so hope you do get to come to Brisbane... I will finally get to meet you :)
    But would Brisbane make you just as lost and miserable as Melbourne??
    #5...I for one would love to follow your spiritual blog.. and although it is not for everyone, there are many that would also value your postings, just as much as we bandsters value your posts on this one..
    It doesnt matter if your post is buzzing with excitement or down with dissapointment or depression, no matter what it is, its better out than in, and good for you that you write about it.. And we are all here to support you.
    Luv Ya Shaggs
    xx Nene

  2. Nene, you're just a beautiful friend to have you know? And yes, it has occurred to me now that qld would just be a repeat performance but there is some family there and some friends and of course - you! but you're right it wont be Sydney. Everything you wrote is spot on of course thank you for your beautiful concern! Luv you too girlie!

  3. Hey there! I know I have not had my band yet - but i am in the process of doing alot of research. and one of the suggestions clear through all.
    is if you dont feel like its working - go back to the basics.. go to optifast! all liquids.

    maybe you could try a bander support group I know there is heaps around australia!

    or simply just stop thinking about it. go to kikki k and buy one of those weekly food planners. fill it out on a sunday make sure you have everything in order in your fridge - so then you can spend a week relaxing, exercising!

    I really hope you find some comfort!

    I hope your well!

    keep going!!


  4. Bloody hell....I am offline for a few weeks and you decide to turn into super blogger and do more posts than you have in months!!!!! Well, I have read them all............finally!!!
    Ummmmmm....I agree with Nene mostly. I am feeling the same way at the moment and am a fair bit over my band. I know I need to get back to my surgeon but now I have to wait until November!!
    So, my plan was going to be a bit like harmony above has suggested.....
    I was going to read the book again. Get out the other literature I was given...again. Then I was going to "pretend" I had just been banded and do the liquids/mushy thing again and go from there. I am going to try and be a model bandster.........or not. Well, fark me......I will TRY !!!!! and so should you.
    Oh, and by the way....I think you should throw in the odd spiritual post on this blog. Don't seperate them. I love that stuff and totally believe in it and if I lived near you I would come for a reading. Hang in there Shaggs......luv ya....luv ya work!!!!


Weight Loss From 27th January 2009