So, here's where I'm at and I think this is a cyclic situation as I'm pretty sure I've been here before but I cant torture myself and read back over my own rantings to establish a pattern. I have very little actual restriction and or satisfaction (as in hunger situation). I am still getting stuck but more randomly now and usually because of my own stupidity. My PB's are now turning into full blown vomits but then, I am able to shovel more food in so naturally there would be more coming out. Now, I fear that anymore restricition than this is actually too tight and may lead me back to living on dips and crackers and anything that will go down. That I am also at fault here and should be looking after my meals a little better (most stuck situations happen while eating out (FUN) and eating whatever is available with little regard as to what will go down). I kind of get full but it only last about 2 hours before I'm thinking of food again. But then, the only time this hasnt happened was for a month after the op. I will always refer to that as Utopia. I could not have cared less about food and was full after 3 bites, but is it that just the first month of any "plan" is like that for me? Weight watchers, Duromine, lite n easy and now the band? The first month you dump a whole lot of weight you're going great guns and then - nothing and its all over.
But honestly, I need to be pulled up here and I think a fill will do it. I am booked in for Saturday week, I have been transferred to the Melbourne office and they tried to book me in for the 22nd September. I nearly fainted! I'd be back to 100kg by then (no joking absolutely real situation very nearly happened the last time I went for a month between fills) I havent had a fill for 6 weeks now and I've lost a bit of weight in that time but really - this needs to step up a notch now. Will I ever experience Utopia again? Will I ever treat this situation as a "diet" as a serious attempt on my part to lose weight? In fact - is it quite nice that I have been eating pretty much whatever I want (apart from those things that get stuck and even then still a bit of that too) and totally not been torturing myself on a diet and still lost weight? What would actually happen if I gave this a serious attempt and watched what I ate and put myself on a "diet"? What would that be like? I have a friend who had the same amount to lose as me and we pretty much kept up the same pace until the 10kg mark. Granted she is 10 years younger and doesnt have kids and goes to the gym and personal trainer all the time but guess how much she has lost? (I'm f%^&d if my husband reads this) 25kg. Yep - 25kg. She looks normal to me now and would really only need to lose more if she wanted to be skinny (not my goal). Oh, and my nickname for her is "Cockroach" cause she vomits every two steps she takes. I think she spent about 3 months too tight also but really - thats a big gap between us now. This sounds nasty and bitter towards her but it is so not. I think she's brilliant and I love her to bits if anything I'm bitter towards myself.
So is it me? I think so. I think about all of the peripheral unnecessary eating I do just cause I can and its craziness. Its time to get real about all of this now. Its taken 6 months and I think its proved itself. Its not going to go away. Nothing is going to sabotage me. I can commit to this. It's safe. Very powerful word - it's safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. The food will always be there. Its not going anywhere. I will always be lighter than when I started (that is really all I ask) there is nothing to fear. It's safe.
So what does committing mean to me?
1. Thinking before it goes in my mouth. Just stop and think.
2. Planning. Being prepared with foods.
3. Not keeping shite in the house. No more shite.
4. Water water water water.
5. Exercise (did I mention I have been walking half hour - hour everyday? So good to move)
6. Eating for health, eating healthful foods.
7. Making every moment and every mouthful count
8. Creating and sticking to goals. Keeping my eye on the prize
9. Creating the prize
10. The first prize is SUMMER
As much as this repels me (I am so over the diet mentality and the goal creation etc etc) I really think this is a different set of "rules". I have gone all out and had fun and yeah, its fun but now I want my fun to be feeling free and cool and healthy this summer. Wearing the beautiful summer clothes I've always wanted to wear. Food just doesnt bring that kind of long lasting joy. Just tiny adrenaline food gasms. Moment by moment. I want the big picture - the lasting joy of wearing something beautiful. Feeling cool and healthy. Feeling comfortable, flexible, energetic and in some small way - how I feel on the inside. I dont feel as damaged as my body looks, my body needs to catch up with my mind and soul. I can hear you all laughing - I know you get to see the really messed up me but there is alot of sanity in here too.
I'm going to end with my favourite quote - nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Love that one and love you all!