Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My Spring Plan

Did you know that my husband has been referring to my blog to get a "real" assessment of what's going on in my brain??!?!?!?! To know what I'm really crackin it over and not just what I'm telling him? (eg: Actual Event: Meltdown over him not taking bins out. Blog translation: Got PMT, gained weight today and just want to eat a cherry ripe but they get stuck my whole life sucks and now my husband cant even take the bin out). So anything I say from here on can, and will, be used against me in any future bingles with my husband and with that said - "Get back to work you lazy slacker and google porn like all the other husbands!".

So, here's where I'm at and I think this is a cyclic situation as I'm pretty sure I've been here before but I cant torture myself and read back over my own rantings to establish a pattern. I have very little actual restriction and or satisfaction (as in hunger situation). I am still getting stuck but more randomly now and usually because of my own stupidity. My PB's are now turning into full blown vomits but then, I am able to shovel more food in so naturally there would be more coming out. Now, I fear that anymore restricition than this is actually too tight and may lead me back to living on dips and crackers and anything that will go down. That I am also at fault here and should be looking after my meals a little better (most stuck situations happen while eating out (FUN) and eating whatever is available with little regard as to what will go down). I kind of get full but it only last about 2 hours before I'm thinking of food again. But then, the only time this hasnt happened was for a month after the op. I will always refer to that as Utopia. I could not have cared less about food and was full after 3 bites, but is it that just the first month of any "plan" is like that for me? Weight watchers, Duromine, lite n easy and now the band? The first month you dump a whole lot of weight you're going great guns and then - nothing and its all over.

But honestly, I need to be pulled up here and I think a fill will do it. I am booked in for Saturday week, I have been transferred to the Melbourne office and they tried to book me in for the 22nd September. I nearly fainted! I'd be back to 100kg by then (no joking absolutely real situation very nearly happened the last time I went for a month between fills) I havent had a fill for 6 weeks now and I've lost a bit of weight in that time but really - this needs to step up a notch now. Will I ever experience Utopia again? Will I ever treat this situation as a "diet" as a serious attempt on my part to lose weight? In fact - is it quite nice that I have been eating pretty much whatever I want (apart from those things that get stuck and even then still a bit of that too) and totally not been torturing myself on a diet and still lost weight? What would actually happen if I gave this a serious attempt and watched what I ate and put myself on a "diet"? What would that be like? I have a friend who had the same amount to lose as me and we pretty much kept up the same pace until the 10kg mark. Granted she is 10 years younger and doesnt have kids and goes to the gym and personal trainer all the time but guess how much she has lost? (I'm f%^&d if my husband reads this) 25kg. Yep - 25kg. She looks normal to me now and would really only need to lose more if she wanted to be skinny (not my goal). Oh, and my nickname for her is "Cockroach" cause she vomits every two steps she takes. I think she spent about 3 months too tight also but really - thats a big gap between us now. This sounds nasty and bitter towards her but it is so not. I think she's brilliant and I love her to bits if anything I'm bitter towards myself.

So is it me? I think so. I think about all of the peripheral unnecessary eating I do just cause I can and its craziness. Its time to get real about all of this now. Its taken 6 months and I think its proved itself. Its not going to go away. Nothing is going to sabotage me. I can commit to this. It's safe. Very powerful word - it's safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. The food will always be there. Its not going anywhere. I will always be lighter than when I started (that is really all I ask) there is nothing to fear. It's safe.

So what does committing mean to me?
1. Thinking before it goes in my mouth. Just stop and think.
2. Planning. Being prepared with foods.
3. Not keeping shite in the house. No more shite.
4. Water water water water.
5. Exercise (did I mention I have been walking half hour - hour everyday? So good to move)
6. Eating for health, eating healthful foods.
7. Making every moment and every mouthful count
8. Creating and sticking to goals. Keeping my eye on the prize
9. Creating the prize
10. The first prize is SUMMER

As much as this repels me (I am so over the diet mentality and the goal creation etc etc) I really think this is a different set of "rules". I have gone all out and had fun and yeah, its fun but now I want my fun to be feeling free and cool and healthy this summer. Wearing the beautiful summer clothes I've always wanted to wear. Food just doesnt bring that kind of long lasting joy. Just tiny adrenaline food gasms. Moment by moment. I want the big picture - the lasting joy of wearing something beautiful. Feeling cool and healthy. Feeling comfortable, flexible, energetic and in some small way - how I feel on the inside. I dont feel as damaged as my body looks, my body needs to catch up with my mind and soul. I can hear you all laughing - I know you get to see the really messed up me but there is alot of sanity in here too.

I'm going to end with my favourite quote - nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Love that one and love you all!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Penises and Ladies who Lunch - Pics Glorious Pics!

So we all love some pics and here's a few for your enjoyment lets start with the most important shall we!

Penises in Brighton - I am want to see the sexual innuendo in a loaf of bread but honestly - its a flacid penis - right?

Lunch in Prahan - I love this scarf even though it looks like a table cloth in the pic. It's cotton and cool and its mostly white (I NE
VER wear white) I'm trying!

Coffee in St Kilda. Is this a classic St Kilda "Secret Life of Us" shot or what? I have always liked the idea of Melbourne and this is one of the reasons why. Along this strip there is about 6 cake shops all in a row and I mean serious little fancy shmancy cakes. I tried one and didnt really like it. I think I like the look of cakes more than the taste - they're so pretty! I have no idea how such a small suburb supports so many fresh cake shops all with identical stock but anyhoo St Kilda is quaint but grubby and full of ferals ah lah Newtown in Sydney. I had to use the public toilet and I swear, its been really hard knowing where my shoes have been it was beyond toxic.

Brightonish Beach - Look at what these jeans do for my arse!!!! Bugger the cute dressing sheds. Just had to put that in sorry for the total self indulgence (like you're not all used to that anyway) but I cant really put pics of anyone else in but really - look at my ARSE! (while you're looking at my arse you're not seeing my fat gut and tits!)

Peter eating a lollipop - I dont care how unhealthy it is - how cute is that!

My new cardigan. Totally crap pic the colour is much nicer purple not as
dull as here. It does up under the boobs and cinches in at just the right spot and is just the right length and yep, I love it. Never really wear wool but kind of have to when its cold here. Wool always adds a good 5kg but I'm getting over that. My mother in law and sister in law taught me to not wear huge clothes cause they just make you look huger. I used to hate having figure hugging clothes on cause they just hug the rolls but really - I look ten times bigger in billowy clothes so fitted clothes it is!

Enough for now - I'm very concerned that I'm going to lose this post any minute now so I'm off and yes of course there will be more coming. Havent posted any farewell party pics yet! Oh and I must go and get ready - we've been invited out for dinner!!! Yay! Promise I wont drink and make a total fool of myself in front of new prospective friends.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Classic Avoidance Behaviour - PICS!!!

Oh boo frigedity hoo to me! This is Melbourne not Siberia and for a thousand other reasons - get over it! So lets bury our heads in the sand and move on to some light entertainment - PICS!!!

Shopping on Bridge Street Richmond - the only place in the world you'll find Sass and Bide right next door to some anonymous $5
clothes shop. Love it! I hope I never get used to seeing trams rattl
ing along down the road - so classically Melbourne. This is my new "hot pink almost red" short trench. Foul pic but never mind.

Pic number two - my new
Still size 18 but 18 from Jeans West! They're very thick, hard denim so they dont stretch and look like an empty lunch bag at the end of the day. Its also very difficult to eat in them but then - thats not a bad thing. Sorry for the stupid pic in the mirror thing but no one is around
and if I dont get this done now it will be never.

Pic number 3

My gorgeous huge (indoor - there is also an outdoor)
spa bath. This house was designed and built by two gay men with a taste for pool parties (can you tell?)

Pic number 4

Cute purple sketchers. Not the most delicate, feminine little shoe but certainly comfortable and wearable. And yes that is Peter also showing off his cute little shoes too! God forbid he should step more than 3cm away from me at any given time. A little tip about Sketchers - they stink! But, if you take out their inner soles and put new ones in they're just fine!

Going to stop here with the pics as strange things are happening when I download so before I lose everything - I'm going. More to come.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Call of the Wild

One of my favourite spring memories - I'm walking home from the train station the air is warm, I notice there's still sunlight when the week before it was dark - it's perfect dusk. There's a warm breeze heavy with the scent of Jasmine flowers that bring with it all the wonderful memories of summer - the beach, the fruit, the friends, the fun! As I walk along the street I live on I can hear a low rumbling beat in the distance, a deep bass vibration travelling down the street and getting ever louder and deeper. With each step the smell of Jasmine becomes stronger, the air warmer and closer on my skin the low rumble gets louder and louder until I reach our yard. It is the primal rumble of my father (an aboriginal elder of the D'harawal tribe) playing his didgeridoo that calls me home. And that is the beginning of summer for me. And that is home to me.

So now winter is coming to an end and its that time of year again. The days are longer, the air is warmer and filled with the
memories of summers
past. Barbeques, late night out door drinking, recovering in a crystal clear pool. Super blond hair and glowing brown
skin. The tingling sting of a slight sunburn from a day at the beach. Fizzy alcoholic drinks, homemade cocktails made from bits and pieces leftover from a big Saturday night. Ahhh summer! Made all the better by a long stream of family and friends coming and going, your place or theirs, it didnt matter. It was SUMMER!!! And this was my most favourite time of the year - the aniticipation of summer! Winter is nearly over, you're noticing the changes but you're not dealing with sweat, humidity, flies, sleeveless tops and sticky fake tan that smells like curry. You're just working with the good memories, the nostalgia. I just love this time of year.

So why do I feel so sick and desolate?

Oh, thats right - I have no family or friends.

And what is summer without them?

There is no chance if I spark up a barbeque (which we dont even have) and crack a fizzy that someone will just pop in and share in the food and drink and sweaty frivolity. Not even mum and dad will pop their heads in from next door. This is truly sad.

I kid you not, I went to Aldi for some familiarity and A. They sell alcohol! and B. Check out the name of their $3.99 special!!! I get the hint!

Please dont tell me to be patient and I'll make new friends. I want my old friends. And a month without friends to me is like a year without water. I look out to the beautiful blue sky and gorgeous almost summer sunset and I cry with total and utter despair. This is really painful stuff. I see people at the shops and I think "Oh there's so and so" and move in for a chat and then the stark realisation that this is just someone who looks like them and could not possibly be them and I could cry right there in the middle of woolworths (Safeway in Melbourne). To not see ANYONE you know for weeks at a time is really hideous. I talk to checkout people, receptionists - anyone at all and I am quietly and silently sizing them as suitable long term friend material. And if I find someone who I think would be great it practically breaks my heart that they dont invite us all over for a barbeque on the weekend. I see women stopped in the streets having a chat and I look in amazement and think - wow, they're friends?!!?? And honestly, as a sane onlooker - I feel really sorry for me. I feel like an alien on another planet. I want to scream from the rooftops - "I have friends!!! I really do!" I have been getting myself out there and going to places and "things" but I'm sure I'm scaring people off with the wretching stench of desperation. This is really so pathetic, ungrateful and really so much deeper than I expected. I knew this would be hard but this is sad on a micro level.

And lets remember why we're all here in the first place? The band. Yes the 6 month bandiversary came and went last week and let me beat you all to the rush to say - I would never have lost and kept off the 14 kilos I've lost without it but really (and my husband has started asking questions) should things have moved a little faster than this? Maybe not. I must remember the first two months without any kind of a decent fill were a complete write off (excuses excuses) and its only been the last 3 months I've felt vaguely on top of it all so really 14 kilos in four months is pretty much right on. So lets let that one go......

Although - that summer thing again - I would have thought I would be much more physically comfortable and less insulated this summer and wearing pretty cotton summer numbers this season but like those gorgeous winter boots - ta ta to that dream!

So the band is on again off again at the moment. I think its off to the doctors next week although I'm still getting stuck and puking every day. Who knows - I'm lost - no idea. I dont understand how I can be so tight I'm puking and yet still feel hungry and never full??? I think its my habits not the band. So do I need another fill? Wouldn't have a clue.

I swear to you, the pics are coming and I would have put them in this post but the pics are kinda funny and this is kinda not (sorry bout that).

So, people think that aboriginal people are nomadic and can live anywhere travelling where the wind and food takes them and so maybe its the whitey in me that is suffering so much from the move? But then, what people fail to recognise are the ties to land and tribe that aboriginal people feel - we may wander but always on the same land and with the same people.

And I don't have either.

Weight Loss From 27th January 2009