Friday, January 14, 2011

Where will this end?

So after reading

Judy -


Beth -

I really dont feel so alone. Judy (Stories from Judyland) did it for me when she said the worrying is back and once you start worrying you get sick of worrying and you throw in the towel and we ALL know where that ends!!!

Am I just suffering a little holiday cheer? My cycle is a little bit messed up so am I ovulating early again like last month? (ovulation always puts on about 2kg for me but goes just as quickly about a week later) Could this messed up cycle be the beginning of Menopause? Peri Menopausal I believe Oprah calls it (I'm 37 but I started my period young so it could be???? I'm realistic enough to know our hormones start dropping at 28ish so its not out of the question?!) Will the weight go again? Will I be on the other side of this next week? I've booked a fill for next Tuesday and I'm praying my band will start "working" again cause I really hate all the thought that is going into this all the snacking worrying weighing and thinking thinking thinking. being stuck at home during rainy school holidays doesnt help.

Anyway in the meantime - gonna do all I can with going over the top to the point of becoming an obsessive dieter again and obsessing my way back to 110kg again.

Just breathe - in with the good out with the bad.......

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Special Occasion Depression and its Aftermath

So, coming down off that last little cloud now and back to what this blog is all about - weight! I munched and drank and sat my way through Christmas and New Years we had people here from Sydney and we live in Melbourne which is pretty much all about the food and wine and because Christmas is such a non event in my family (not my immediate family with the kids and all) but the wider family - theres no kids nothing special going on - well lets just say my knee jerk reaction is to try and MAKE something out of Christmas by cooking and eating and shopping and keeping myself busily away from the uncomfortable feelings of rejection and lonliness that tend to rear their ugly heads in the form of Special Occasion Depression.

I havent had SOD for a few years now it all started though when I started having babies 11 years ago and around the same time my grandmother started to get too old to put on our family traditional christmas. The torch probably should have been handed to my mother but she is just shite at entertaining shes a recluse and has not much of a clue shes also a shit guest as she would come to my lovingly prepared Christmas day, eat before it was served and fark off back home cause she was tired (undiagnosed untreated depression will do that to you). I know this all sounds so freaking dysfunctional and poor me but its important to know how I royally messed up this Christmas (no blaming anyone full responsibility on my part here).

So I learnt to deal with the SOD although for years it would bring me to my knees and I would keep it going for the kids and all but man once my grandmother died and all special occasion celebrations went out the window I really packed it in on those days. We would try to make something out of the special days but honestly we have a pretty shite extended family for those things they either wouldnt turn up or have other things on or whatever. Have I told you all this before?? Anyway, I knew it was my lesson to learn and it was part of the grieving process and saying good bye to my grandmother and my life long psychological and emotional issue has always been rejection and man would I set myself up for it on "special" occasions.

So, part of the whole ooger booger discovery process was dealing with all of these issues and I really did reach a very manageable level of healing and I wouldnt feel quite so bad and actually completely forgot about the SOD. We just accepted the fact it was me and the husband and the kids and made the most of it and I do believe the Universe and my ooger boogers sent me really lovely things on those days to help take my mind off it and I do believe the universe helps those who help themselves etc etc and so what does this have to do with the me of today?? (apart from everything) As you know 18 months ago we moved 1000kms away to Melbourne (and to no one) last christmas my husbands family came and stayed with us and it was a really fun holiday and time together so the reality didnt hit however this year, no one. Really, ABSOLUTELY no one. My BF here suggested we all share christmas together and then promptly forgot about it and made plans with her inlaws (see I still set myself up for rejection in my friends choices). And so I felt the SOD a stirrin!

Anyway about a week before Xmas my mother in law decides to come. I love her I really do but she suffers from major depression and victimisation syndrome and really, we shouldnt be together at a time like this alone with no other family or friends as a buffer zone. Lets just say it didnt go well (we didnt fight or anything but I had no energy to engage in her depressive poor me games - funny what we dont like in others isnt it??) it was rainy we couldnt do much the kids just want to play with their new stuff and so, she went home 3 days early on boxing day.

And me? Well, I really did handle it all well I swear I soldiered on faked it til I made it etc etc but I was truly shocked to find that SOD was back. It simmered underneath it all I didnt tell anyone about it I didnt cry on the lounge for hours like I used to but man it was BACK! I certainly didnt expect family to come flying in from all over the place in fact it was a relief they didnt but I guess I just didnt know how to do a special occasion with NO ONE. (I'm not ruling out my kids and husband here they just couldnt care less if there was sandwiches and we went to the park but thats not a special occasion to me - after all its all about the food, the decoration, the music, the drink the fun and honestly, dare I say, thats not my husband or kids. I have fun with the kids playing their games and stuff but its not a crowd, its not people, its not chatting etc etc etc its our everyday life. It was raining here we couldnt go to the beach the park or anywhere EVERYTHING is shut on christmas day. So what to do???

Funny thing is, in the lead up to christmas day I went a bit stupid and bought every type of food imagineable just to have in the house in case we felt like it. I didnt plan anything in particular I thought I'd just play it by ear but man did I build myself a fort made out of food!!?!? And on the day I made a full roast with all the trimmings I made enough food for 50 people and we had 3 depressed adults and 3 distracted kids. Funny thing was I didnt feel too bad, the food was exactly like my grandmothers even though I make my differently it all turned out perfectly and I felt like I was in some sort of trance making everything just the way she would have. I honestly didnt mean it, it just happened. Alot of funny things happened that day and I swear she was with me but anyway after all of this the point of the story is...... I ATE!!


A few days later friends came to stay for a week and man


I soothed myself with smoothies, I eased the anguish with pavlova and trifle I whined over wine you name it I did it. And all throughout I didnt gain any weight and I swear on the last day the friends were here I felt my arse and gut start to magically grow right before my eyes I could hear the balloon squeaking sound when something expands. And now its taken me a week to talk about it but I saw 81kg. Its slowly starting to slip away again but for a few days there I thought something was wrong I was inexplicably growing and I couldnt stop it - it was scary and I all those feelings I havent had for so long started creeping back just like the SOD I honestly felt over 100kg again I was so self conscious...

anyway, kids are up now and I really have to move back into mother mode so just quickly. Its school holidays and I'm like a caged tiger its raining I'm drinking too much snacking too much too frustrated at just about everything and I need to centre myself again and get back on the "Shaggs matters wagon" and I thought blogging about it might help. I need to be honest about all of this and not slip back into everything will be alright mode and gain 30 kg back again. I'll write more about this later this is really a very simplified version but just let it be known, I have to go on a "Diet" cut back or whatever and it aint easy on school holidays stuck at home and now i finally see the band doesnt fix everything - it helps but it doesnt do it on its own.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Happy Hour Happiness

Ok I've got shedloads to do, its school holidays, its happy hour in the house of Shaggs and I'm having an afternoon wine (whine) and I'm in charge of kids who aren't biologically mine so of course, what should I do..... BLOG! Of course I've always believed we're best under pressure (ahlah Salt and Pepper "Shoop") and if it wasnt for the last minute nothing would ever get done so of course lets shoot the shit and just say, today, I've been touched by fame......

If she ever reads this, I swear I'm not a stalker but I do have a lady/blogger crush on this particular blogger alas, though, it is from afar. This particular blogger is so incredibly followed and loved she is even mentioned in a famous blogger book she is truly blog royalty. No, I'm not going to tell you who it is part of me jealously doesnt want to share her and part of me doesnt want you all to know who floats my boat (of course you all do float my boat in so many ways and I crush on you all for different reasons but I, like, want to be this woman when I grow up!). She is so naturally freaking funny, so quirky so inventive, strange and fun I just love her outlook I love what she finds on the internet and honestly, if I could be arsed, I'd follow suit and try and rip off her ideas in some way, shape or form but life's too short.

So, point of the story is, I left ANOTHER comment on one of her posts knowing and believing full well that it will get shuffled off into blogland amongst the other million comments and that would be that. I know as I say this and tell this story I think of all my beautiful blog friends out there and how much I love you all and how much I dont comment on your blogs and how much I love your comments on my blog and how much I dont comment on your comments on my blog and I feel like a right mole but you guys I consider my friends and well, she is, she's.... famous! Why does that make it ok? it doesnt but I have no other reason for this ridiculousness. So my comment mentioned how she hasnt posted for a while and could she please come back. And.............


I know how sad this is I truly know but man this woman is in another orbit. I'm sorry this STILL isnt explaining my position but anyway I've loved this womans blog since I started blogging two years ago (just as I have loved all the blogs I follow) and I truly cant believe I blipped on her radar. I dont know if its the kids whinging for food or water or my ADD or what but I've lost motivation and incentive here (maybe its because deep deep down I know you're clucking your tongues and thinking what a brainless moron I am and what would I do if Lindsay Lohan actually walked through the door) but I am honestly not a celeb junkie. I'm talking myself into a whole here just know that at 11.02 this morning for better or worse - my life changed and my existence on this strange planet we call earth was made just a little bit more special.

P.S. It doesnt really matter what she wrote ("Your comment just made me so happy" yes, her exact words!) I responded and I'm sure she now knows what a sad little creature I am but you only get one shot and in the words of our illustrious Eminem in his famous song "Lose Yourself"
"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo"

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go"

That song means so much to me (yeah, right Eminem good one shaggs I am so not a homey but that song resonates in me - getting sadder peeps!!) I'm going to stop here before things get worse just know that man I love you all so much and I miss every one of you when you dont blog for a while I'm going now to lose myself in the music....

Weight Loss From 27th January 2009