Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Can losing 30kg make you happy??

So this is how I look today and guess what?? Losing 30kgs does not make you happy! "What!!" I hear you say??!?!? How can you not be happy?? You got what you wished for??? How can you not be happy??? Call me an ungrateful cow but losing 30kg does not make life any better - just different. Different versions of good and bad for different reasons but certainly no better. You'll still just be chugging away running around like a little ant doing the uselessly inane trite we call life. Who would have thought???

Life - grin and bear it. Is that what this is all about?? Just getting by and "pretending" like we're all having fun when really, life is a shitting hard thing to do. Why are we all doing this at all? Are people who take matters into their own hands and end their own lives are they the smart ones? Are they the proactive ones who can see the truth and just cut to the chase and bring the inevitable forward?? How do we know thats not the key to getting by in all of this??? How brave and courageous they are for seeing that this "here" is not the answer and bravely forging ahead into the unknown going against every instinctive impulse in their living breathing bodies and despite millions of years of evolution and life force doing the unthinkable??? Well its not actually unthinkable if I'm here writing this and you're reading it. Its definitely considerable. Is it a conspiracy of life that we should have dependents and people loving us and relying on us so that we couldnt exstinguish our own lives even if it was something we wanted? Is love just a cunning tactic of nature? Of course it is thats why babies are so cute isnt it? So we'd love them and look after them and feed them we're all getting screwed over by love at every step - every breath of our lives. Just as love can save us love can doom us into existence also.

I dont know about you guys but man I'm over being hopeful, optimistic, pleasant, joyful being grateful for another minute, day, month or year of life. Its just second by second here, I'm still here and it still sucks. Being scammed into the belief that like attracts like and if you're positive and optimistic you'll attract wonderful things. Sorry guys just another conspiracy. You see, while you're being optimistic and happy you wont notice or dare to examine the reality - that really, this is plain old shite and if good things happen beware! Something bad has to happen in return cause thats another old gem we've been spoon fed also isnt it? You cant just ignore that one now Miss Smiley. Remember - you cant have the good without the bad one doesnt exist without the other so hang on for the ride cause your roller coasters about to go on the down swing!

So whats happened to bring on this tirade of life hatin?? I could go into detail but it will never be as bad as some other peoples situation - someone is always worse off and I will be considered ungrateful and really its not much just the same old cold gruel that life seems to like dishing up (well no wonder I hear you say - look how negative you are?) Ah but you see, I am the devils advocate. I give readings from "the other side" I'm a psychic and a medium and a "light worker" I give spiritual advice and dwell in the light and help people through this cold existence giving them hope where there is none. I reconnect them to their loved ones that have passed over give them those words and moments that couldnt happen when you're on opposite sides of the veil. I'm the "conduit" I get to know what the other side is like and still get to stay here - how lucky am I!!!!! I do their dirty work and THEN i get screwed over - thats my payment you see. I get to somehow raise the enlightenment level of my soul by knowing what I'm missing out on and yet still hanging about here and helping others to cope. And i have to do it all with a smile and a twinkle in my eye and tell the biggest lie of all - that everything will be alright. Well, says the other side - of course it will be alright its not a lie - just DEFINE alright?? Is alright that you'll keep on breathing?? Or that you'll die?? Or that a loved one will be put out of their misery and they'll die?? Is death bad or a relief?? Is that the worst thing that life can come up with - death?? Have we all be scammed into believing that the one thing that we should all fear and avoid at all costs is actually the best thing for us?? Like a pretty bird in a cage hand raised to fear the wild and life outside the safety of its prison when really it could fly free and live a life beyond its wildest expectations.

Am I just tempting fate and asking for trouble here? Am I conjuring up serious harm and distress? Nothing else I seem to dwell in comes to fruition so why would the horrors?? I can help others I just cant help myself and who helps the helpers???

So, for better or worse its school holidays here. Good, because I cant do readings for people with the kids around so I get a couple of weeks off faking it and bad because even if I wanted to do something to help myself I couldnt. And theres a very distinct possibility that its the school holidays that brings on these maudlin musings and maybe its doing the readings for people and having one toe in the light for the most part of most days that keeps me away from day dreaming about not being here anymore. And through all of this I worry that maybe I shouldnt post this that people will go into freak mode and think I'm going to end it all or worse still, pass on the cold comfort of meaningless platitudes but really, neither of those things are true or will help in any way and if I'm still here after 38 years of this shite then why would I go now? Unfortunately you guys just get the shit here. I'll go off now and be Miss Light and Love and no one will be none the wiser only you guys will know whats going on behind my smile and thats ok cause I'll never meet any of you and none of you affect my everyday life except that it helps to have my little invisible ears out there all over the world and know that someone is listening and for that I thank you all. Thank you so much from the bottom of my cold, black heart and I do only wish the best for you all and hope that life isnt this "real" for any of you.

So guys just in case I'm not the only one who thought losing weight would fix everything just let me tell you once and for all - it doesnt fix everything. Life is still life and you still have to work VERY VERY VERY hard at keeping it all together no matter what size your clothes are.


  1. OMG! Now I've got my breath back.. Where do I start! I agree that losing weight doesn't fix everything else, and it doesn't transport us away from the shite that is our reality. We need to remember that and not expect too much. That said, you are still looking great! You were the first blog I followed, I loved reading it. I have missed your writing lately. Obviously things are tough for you right now. But you, more than most, probably know that the universe dishes out what we need - to teach us, or make us stronger or better. All I can say is that the shite will eventually come to an end, and all the good stuff you do for others will come back to you in spades...when the time is right. Hang in there. It WILL get better. :)

  2. I'm there with Kiwigirl - wrung out after having read your post but determined to tell you what everybody else will - that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - without descending into the depths of Polyannahood and suggesting you skip in the sunshine like a good ice-cream advertisement.

    Because I'm sure that's the issue here - not just for you, but for yours and my generation: we've grown up seeing "happiness" on TV - the product manufacturers want you to say "I'll buy some of that product"... but what we're really saying is "I'll buy some of that atmosphere, cheerfulness, humour, happiness (oh alright and the product as well if it's part of the package)". We know they're actors, that the sunshine is probably studio lights, that they probably found the product disgusting but they were doing it for the money. And we may shout at the screen and say 'life's not like that', but deep down we believe it - witness how much Christmas television upsets people from dysfunctional families.

    Rambling Caroline's got going - sorry Shaggs!

    I believe it's not our right to be happy, though adults want children to believe it, which is good. But later on? There was no one to help us grow up so we could say 'nobody here but me now, but I'll manage'.

    If you have someone or something to help you out of the slough of despond then you're lucky. Even if it's a little low dosage anti-depressant. A year ago I would have tut-tutted at the medicated approach to depression, but after 6 months on one I can tell you that I don't feel better about myself, or more or less cheerful than before - but I do feel less despair, more able to cope, and to push things behind me when there are more urgent issues to deal with. And I can feel positive and look forward to things, and even tell a good joke once in a while. This may not be your route, I'm certainly not advocating chemical solutions, it's just what helps me.

    As you say so well, acting's the name of the game, because you can't show yourself as you truly feel most of the time. Maybe it's going to save your bacon that your children need you, that love keeps you there, and one day they'll thank you for it and hopefully pass on to their children the same love they received, and the knowledge that it's not all happy clappy, that it's worth doing even when you cry as you're doing it.

    You're a good person Shaggs, and what you're feeling is not unusual. Hey and who knows, you may meet one your virtual friends one day.

    By the way, you look beautiful. It's not a fix by any means, I agree with you, but it stops you blaming it for everything that's wrong in your life. One box ticked - that's it.


  3. I do love you both!! You came up with words my cynical self hasn't already admonished and I find myself feeling better inspite of myself AND I hate you all for that!!!!! ( LOL ) I just wanna feel shit but it did get hard to feel and I whispered a tiny little request for help and it seems its forthcoming cause I do feel better. Lonicera - you'll never know how accurate you are when you talk all about TV. This is mostly an issue around my getting extremely close but not picked for a psychic tv show (boo frigedty hoo!). It seems I was very accurate but not the right 'persona'. I can live with it but it's hard to go back to the drawing board. And a special thank you to kiwi girl -you've both validated everything I've believed but don't want to hear - thank you 1000 thank you's!!!!!

  4. There's more to come I could talk to you both for hours but it's bedtime! Sweet dreams happy days or whatever your time zone has to offer!

  5. Shaggmuffin-where do I start. At first I thought you were playing a joke on know you like to I kept waiting for your to say JUST KIDDING. never did.

    second, I get the "what is the point and meaning of life" blues about once a month for a day or two. When I am there, life seems super pointless and heavy. I feel like I am fooling myself about everything, love, weight loss, work. I mean...IT NEVER GETS EASIER. But lucky for me, I can live in fantasy lala world most of the time by pushing all that shit out of my head...because you have to have SOMETHING to believe in afterall. in the hell did I not know you were psychic or read cards or were a medium. Have you told us this before? Damn it. Now I want to meet you even more. You should blog sometime the first time you knew or more of what it's like. I find it fascinating.

    You can always come to Pensacola USA and lay on the beach with me. I will brush your hair.

  6. - and I didn't know you were psychic either. It explains in part the way you write. Really interesting...
    Thanks for the kind words - I'm so glad you post every so often.

  7. Geesh I just love you guys! Amy my love - I just LOVE having my hair brushed (add in some gentle but tight hair pulling and I'm there!)you're so "in tune" well actually you all are Amy it is a seasonal thing (once every 3 months for me) Lonicera - I did seek out what would make me feel better and Kiwi girl - the shite did come to an end (phew!) I'm off to blog!

  8. I love the last paragraph of Caroline's first rant!! Spot on really. I am too farking tired to comment on this one....reading it wore me out!! It is once every six months for me:) I think you do need to get your "toe out of the light" every now and then....even if it is forced by the school holidays!! That's all Shagga....Caroline said it all really.....and Amy xx

  9. YOU LOOK FRIGGIN AMAZING! I have no other words!


Weight Loss From 27th January 2009