Monday, January 5, 2009

The hang over is over and we're now in the cold stark reality of Monday.  Seems that every man and his dog wants an appointment at the moment (thanks to New Years Resolutions) so I have two set up at my last two preferences and my first preference is closed til next Monday. Definitely got ants in my pants now although the reality of actually how much it is going to cost has set in although at this stage that is a secondary concern - definitely cant put a price on it! 

My biggest fears are:
- The flab from losing weight so quickly
- My revolting will to "get around" the system and cheat the band
- My wishing that - I didnt do it and realising that exercise and diet are actually not that bad at all
- That something horrendous or really just annoying will happen during or post op and just make my life miserable - I can handle death I just dont want gross pain, disfigurement or severe annoyance for the term of my life
- That people will find out and accuse me of taking the easy way out

The best thing to come of this list is the realisation that diet and exercise are not that bad but I need help with bigger things than just moving my butt (which I do pretty well) and eating fruit and veg (which I also do pretty well). Its quantity and compulsion but whats going to stop me from being compulsive with the band? Will I not feel hungry like on Duramine? That was such blissful relief - no hunger!!!! And a gorgeous feeling of well being!!!! If only I could just have a scratch of that it would all be worthwhile. (you may ask why I dont just keep taking Duramine? It gave me scary heart situations and its effect wore off within a week and I really didnt want to up the dosage) I'm hoping that the hunger that propels my everyday life just isnt there after this. (??? we'll see)

I just want to be free of the compulsion, of the drive, of the prison that food keeps me in. I want it to be a secondary thought not primary. I want to off load some of the very very very hard work that this has become - it is so much bigger than me now!

I am LOVING the bloggers and forum posters I have been meeting, they are awesome! I want to join for all areas of my life (ie; mothers who find it hard getting along with other whingeing pain in the butt mothers, women who spend an inordinate amount of time wishing their husbands would get a girlfriend and leave them alone etc etc) I could have my most feral inner situations supported by others JUST LIKE ME! 

I love the internet, what did we do for encouragement and support before forums?

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Weight Loss From 27th January 2009