Sunday, February 8, 2009

Have you ever wanted to kiss someone while you killed them?

My husband is now not talking to me. Am I being a bitch for the sake of it or am I not sedated by food anymore? Am I not standing for crap anymore or am I provoking the crap to occur? Either way guys, that's the way it is today. I am busting a gut cleaning and cooking and shopping and making sure that everything runs smoothly for at least the next week and he's doing nothing but asking me why I'm being such a bitch. "Leave it all up to him" I hear you say. Nice thought but if I did the only people who would suffer would be the kids or me when I get home. He has an uncanny way of NEVER wearing the responsibility for anything especially when its all his responsibility.
Am I just setting him up to fail? Have I created that failure already? Should I be thankful to him for earning enough money for me to be able to do this in the first place? Should I punch him or hug him? He still cannot fathom how being around food is hard for me! He has never starved in his life and yet he thinks he can judge my behaviour (even though I will swear til my death that my unhappiness is me not being able to take the standard amount of crap that I usually take whether hungry or not is not the point I shouldnt have to take it either way). He cannot understand that over eating is an emotional issue. He thinks its as simple as "just dont eat". He doesnt understand how you can wear someone elses crap (this is understandable for a man who doesnt even accept his own responsibilty for things - how on earth could he take on someone else's????).
So if I'm being a bitch then so be it. He keeps asking if I'm going to be better after the op when I can eat again. I keep telling him I wont be eating for weeks after and even then it wont be gorging so no, I wont be sedated and in a carb coma if thats what he's asking. Will he again be able to get away with anything? I dont think so. Will I be a big ol mushy mum again - Nup definitely not. Apparently theres a 75% divorce rate after WLS. I thought maybe it was the physical changes and women running off with 25 year old personal trainers. Now I know what it is. You're not dealing with a zombie anymore. A big beautiful soft squishy human sponge who soaks up all the shit around them and only ever releases when at capacity and it takes an implosion to purge it all. The eternal human sponge who cleans up everyone elses shit and carries it around with them all day in a big wet mushy body stuffing it all ever further down with food - packing up the little emotional holes to stop the shit from pouring out.
So is the responsibility mine to find a different way to deal with everyone elses crap now or do I try and make everyone else responsible for their own shit? But that would require other people recognising their responsibility and so far today, I'm just being a bitch when I point it out.


  1. I think that once you decide to have surgery it's like a little switch goes off in your head.

    I have never in my life been so focused and so in control! That is a real feeling of empowerment. I think that the strength you feel because of that flows over into other areas of your life. This can either be a nice surprise to those around us, or a big wake up call.

    Now I'm not defending your hubby at all. I went through this with mine a couple of years ago when I opened up my business and just didn't have the time to do stuff around the house. It took him a while to adjust (there were a couple of tantrums!) but now he is such a great help around the house which just goes to show that they can change!

    Now I'm not saying that changing is easy, however you need to TEACH yourself to brush things off and not dwell on them. Don't allow other people's moods/feeling to influence how YOU feel.

    Take it each day at a time and allow your family time to adjust to the new you, tanties and all!


  2. I'm hearing ya!! Just ride the wave for now and see what happens. I just popped in to wish you luck for tomorrow ... not that you will need it!! You are doing the most amazing thing for yourself and your family. No, you will never be the same again....but whatever happens.... you will be healthier and in control....and happy!!!
    Bloody won't let me farking post this comment...will try anon...but from all the know it is Nola:)

  3. Yes I knew it was you Nola, I dont know how I farking guessed! You crack me up! thanks for the cheer!


Weight Loss From 27th January 2009