So its gone from bad to worse here in this house but I think I'm coming out of it. It looks like its going to be just me and my old worn out sense of will power cause the band aint doing much! Quantities are creeping back up, the types of food are many and varied (the good the bad and the ugly), the grazing has reared its ugly head etc etc. Sometimes some food gets a little uncomfortable in my chest but I just have a drink and its gone.
Do you hear me, I just have a drink and its gone - and that is......?
Yes, thats called "eating around the band"!!!?!??!!?#?@$?@?$
Can you f$%^& believe I am eating around the band!!!!!!!! I hate the person that I become sometimes. Should I feel self pity or sheer disgust and hatred? What the f%^k am I doing!!!!! And for the joy of "drinking down" some extra food I get god awful pain behind my scars because my intestines are so full. Does it stop me? Well yes actually it does. Like I said much earlier in this blog pain is a great motivator for me. I get so uncomfortable that I have to remove most of my clothes because even the slightest bit of outside pressure exacerbates the problem. This took about a day to work out but now I think I have it under control. I still drink while I eat but now I just have to exercise will power and my fear of pain to stop eating too much although I'm phasing out the drinking. Its like I've got it in my head that the band isnt going to work until its filled so until then I'll just work around it! I'm not even giving it the slightest chance! What a complete f$% up!
OK so this is as bad as it gets, I'm certainly not eating the same quantities as before. I pretty much stay clear of carbs the scales are still being kind but I am well aware that it is still a pretty bad situation and where this will end up. I am taking into account the weeks of deprivation that have lead me to this point but you'd think I'd be grateful for ANY food and not need ALL food??
It has been hard being in my head this week but now its time to take back the reigns admittedly it has been a hard week of the menstrual month (ovulation - makes me very swollen and uncomfortable and cranky with pain) but then actually every week is bad for that at the moment next week is PMT the week after is actually periods and the week after that is pretty much the only normal week of the month. might need to check this out further - tired of being a slave to the ovaries.
So I should be glad that I'm aware of the problems, thats the first step to recovery I guess. The worst day was Wednesday and I've definitely improved since then but man I have to stay ON IT! Maybe I should wear my new jeans all day to remind me? I cant bend over but then bending over is overrated isnt it? I do feel full now after a small high protein brekkie, thats good I guess? Stay with that one. Back to the rules now my main goals are:
- stick to the no drink rules
- take 20 minutes to eat before going for more food
- no grazing or snacking of any kind
- no food that is going to get even mildly stuck so as to not encourage drinking.
I feel strong today - I know I can do this especially after opti and fluids etc. This is a walk in the park! So JUST DO IT!