So its time to fess up. I've been very naughty with my food for the past day or so, experimenting with quantities and different textures etc. I started mushies early on day 9 or 10 instead of 14 so now I'm getting cocky. I went to see the dietician and dr yesterday and everyone was stoked with my progress and overlooked the fact that I started mushies early so of course I think this is great and I do a little celebrating with the food! Do I have to go into detail? I dont really want to, the shame and embarassment are just a little too intense at the moment, maybe next week if I can pick myself up and brush myself off sucessfully I'll be able to go there. The quantity was still awesome compared to my previous life but as a fresh new bander, having spent the best part of over $5000 on this thing, all the pain, trauma and worry for my nearest and dearest, what my body has been through and while still healing, I think its ok to go and shove some shit down. When will I learn? The quantity I can eat is definitely on its way up but I still feel very satisified for a long time but I can feel the need to seek out food increasing. The relief from that has been awesome and now its creeping back, I dont want it back. I dont want to look for food as a method of satisfying or entertaining myself. I have to face the fact that for the time being until I am properly filled, I will have to exercise self control and always keep in my mind that the band is just an aid. There is still work to be done.
I would also like to confess that I have been guilty of judging people when they wondered why their band wasnt working - now as karma would have it, I am guilty of the exact same thing I found hard to tolerate in others, isnt that always the way?! A lesson learned! I am and should be, on a diet or food restriction program (however you want to look at it) and the band is just there to help a little at the moment. I am hopeful that one day it wont be hard at all, but for now its a little hard sometimes and nowhere near as bad as before the band.
So thats it, I'm a "recovering" and "lapsing" food addict and occasional judgemental person, these are my sins, I am hoping that admission is the first step to recovery and forgiveness from everyone out there because I really dont like these aspects of myself and I dont believe they are the "true" me.