Breakin All the Rules!

So its gone from bad to worse here in this house but I think I'm coming out of it. It looks like its going to be just me and my old worn out sense of will power cause the band aint doing much! Quantities are creeping back up, the types of food are many and varied (the good the bad and the ugly), the grazing has reared its ugly head etc etc. Sometimes some food gets a little uncomfortable in my chest but I just have a drink and its gone.

Do you hear me, I just have a drink and its gone - and that is......?
Yes, thats called "eating around the band"!!!?!??!!?#?@$?@?$
Can you f$%^& believe I am eating around the band!!!!!!!! I hate the person that I become sometimes. Should I feel self pity or sheer disgust and hatred? What the f%^k am I doing!!!!! And for the joy of "drinking down" some extra food I get god awful pain behind my scars because my intestines are so full. Does it stop me? Well yes actually it does. Like I said much earlier in this blog pain is a great motivator for me. I get so uncomfortable that I have to remove most of my clothes because even the slightest bit of outside pressure exacerbates the problem. This took about a day to work out but now I think I have it under control. I still drink while I eat but now I just have to exercise will power and my fear of pain to stop eating too much although I'm phasing out the drinking. Its like I've got it in my head that the band isnt going to work until its filled so until then I'll just work around it! I'm not even giving it the slightest chance! What a complete f$% up!

OK so this is as bad as it gets, I'm certainly not eating the same quantities as before. I pretty much stay clear of carbs the scales are still being kind but I am well aware that it is still a pretty bad situation and where this will end up. I am taking into account the weeks of deprivation that have lead me to this point but you'd think I'd be grateful for ANY food and not need ALL food??

It has been hard being in my head this week but now its time to take back the reigns admittedly it has been a hard week of the menstrual month (ovulation - makes me very swollen and uncomfortable and cranky with pain) but then actually every week is bad for that at the moment next week is PMT the week after is actually periods and the week after that is pretty much the only normal week of the month. might need to check this out further - tired of being a slave to the ovaries.

So I should be glad that I'm aware of the problems, thats the first step to recovery I guess. The worst day was Wednesday and I've definitely improved since then but man I have to stay ON IT! Maybe I should wear my new jeans all day to remind me? I cant bend over but then bending over is overrated isnt it? I do feel full now after a small high protein brekkie, thats good I guess? Stay with that one. Back to the rules now my main goals are:
- stick to the no drink rules
- take 20 minutes to eat before going for more food
- no grazing or snacking of any kind
- no food that is going to get even mildly stuck so as to not encourage drinking.
I feel strong today - I know I can do this especially after opti and fluids etc. This is a walk in the park! So JUST DO IT!

Confession Time

So its time to fess up. I've been very naughty with my food for the past day or so, experimenting with quantities and different textures etc. I started mushies early on day 9 or 10 instead of 14 so now I'm getting cocky. I went to see the dietician and dr yesterday and everyone was stoked with my progress and overlooked the fact that I started mushies early so of course I think this is great and I do a little celebrating with the food! Do I have to go into detail? I dont really want to, the shame and embarassment are just a little too intense at the moment, maybe next week if I can pick myself up and brush myself off sucessfully I'll be able to go there. The quantity was still awesome compared to my previous life but as a fresh new bander, having spent the best part of over $5000 on this thing, all the pain, trauma and worry for my nearest and dearest, what my body has been through and while still healing, I think its ok to go and shove some shit down. When will I learn? The quantity I can eat is definitely on its way up but I still feel very satisified for a long time but I can feel the need to seek out food increasing. The relief from that has been awesome and now its creeping back, I dont want it back. I dont want to look for food as a method of satisfying or entertaining myself. I have to face the fact that for the time being until I am properly filled, I will have to exercise self control and always keep in my mind that the band is just an aid. There is still work to be done.

I would also like to confess that I have been guilty of judging people when they wondered why their band wasnt working - now as karma would have it, I am guilty of the exact same thing I found hard to tolerate in others, isnt that always the way?! A lesson learned! I am and should be, on a diet or food restriction program (however you want to look at it) and the band is just there to help a little at the moment. I am hopeful that one day it wont be hard at all, but for now its a little hard sometimes and nowhere near as bad as before the band.

So thats it, I'm a "recovering" and "lapsing" food addict and occasional judgemental person, these are my sins, I am hoping that admission is the first step to recovery and forgiveness from everyone out there because I really dont like these aspects of myself and I dont believe they are the "true" me.

Pic Update

Just posted is the first pic taken just over a week ago. I'll take one again tomorrow morning when I'm all gussied up, you see I just had dinner and the fat pig syndrome is sinking in (the guilty feeling cause you're stuffed thing despite only eating 1/2 cup food). Alot of the bloating and swelling is gone now and the jeans from the first pic are too big to wear! I've taken all my patches, stitches etc off I'll take a pic of them too - one is like a large dimple or crease in my stomach?!. There is still a fair bit of gas pain especially when my stomach is full (whether liquids or mushies) but I'm going to try and see the chiro for an adjustment and see if that helps tomorrow (feels like its in my ribs).

The restriction is awesome! It is going to take some serious training to get my brain to catch up though. It feels wrong having the "wrong" foods (a little bit of cake or chocolate) even though its a tiny nibble or mouthful. I take a little bite and I immediately start freaking and thinking ohmigod here I go, its not working, I'm bingeing again, I'm going to eat this whole cake/chocolate whatever it is - the band isnt going to stop me and the guilt - oh my god! I feel like I've thrown away thousands of hard earned dollars and wasted everyone's time and the pain and I'm going to stay over 100kg all my life and nothing will EVER work!!!!! Oh the self bashing! But you know what? I stop at the bite, thats enough I dont want anymore and/or its really easy to stop and walk away without any emotional suffering or I'm full or satisfied and really couldn't have more if I wanted. I get on the scales (which I've vowed to do only on Tuesday mornings from here on in) and I brace myself to see them go over 100 and they sit and stare at me on 94.0kg, and my first impulse is to think they must be wrong so I weigh myself again and again and again 94 94 94 94 94 not 102 but 94. So then I start thinking, well, they'll catch up on me next week! I have to sit and write everything I've eaten in a day to convince myself its all ok. One of these days I'm going to write down what I used to eat and stick it on the fridge, I do not even eat one of my old meals in a whole day now and yet I'm convinced that little piece of apple and raspberry cake will be enough to maintain my weight at 102kg. Mental or what? I really didnt think I was a mental case when it comes to logical thinking but man, this has brought out the worst in me! Its a very quiet voice filling my head with this shit but its a never ending narrative that is going to be really hard to get rid of. All these years I've been thinking its other people's negative comments and verbal abuse that has done me in and the worst of them all is mine!!!! MY voice is the one I cant shut up or convince that I have this under control now! That there's no need to worry, that tiny little bits of ANYTHING are OK. Its the binge attitude and the constant grazing that'll get me. And they are the two things I am absolutely NOT doing! I'm waiting for someone to say "should you be eating that" and I'll let rip - the ridiculous thing is its me I should be screaming at.

So part of me, a large part, is marvelling at the restriction and the freedom from the need to fill up and satisfy with food. Its awesome! And another part of me is still 102 kilos and still in gorge mode and wondering what the f$%^ is going on???!!?

The Spoilt Full Pig

Sorry about the lack of updates but everytime I write something it gets deleted or lost or whatever and I get the poops and dont want to put the time in all over again. I have also been doing more foruming, messaging and live chatting so blogging has taken a back seat.

Do you guys all feel guilty when you're full? I associate full with being a pig and I have to write down everything I've eaten and convince myself it's not much and I haven't been a pig! The other weird one is the physical "I havent lost weight anymore" like you've just put back on the entire 8 or 10kg in one day! You feel exactly the same as you did before! You can swear when you look in the mirror you still look over 100kg its almost funny.

I've been suffering this week with husband away. I'm bored and lonely and I want to eat. I love being alone usually cause its not very often it happens but usually my neice comes over or my sister or a friend and we drink way too much wine and have nibblies or chips or whatever and generally it is a really great time for me after looking after the kids on my own and busting a gut to keep it all together. So I was hurtin and I even ate a chocolate biscuit (one I dont even like) and spat it out instead of swallowing it and it didnt help. I could have easily had more liquids but I was in one of those spoilt bitch moods where if I cant have what I want I dont want anything. I wish I liked icecream or sweet food for that matter. I love carbs, crunchy naughty carbs. I would have chewed and spat a piece of toast but I really couldnt trust myself (Yay shaggs for recognising that!) and I would FREAK if I swallowed and I was alone and what if I died......ohmigod! So its been a hard week...

So, confession time. As you can see, I was going nuts on fluids so I have very carefully begun to have mushies instead. I kinda think, when I make a soup I blend all of the food together and add water and now all I'm doing is not blending the food together but seperately and I add a little water in my mouth if the food feels too dry. Now before you freak - I am treading EXTREMELY carefully. I havent had dry meats, I blend them with water first, no bread so far, no potatoes nothing crunchy, I have been REALLY careful and not eaten til I felt full (its too late by then). I've felt more pain and discomfort on fluids. I dont lay down after I eat. I havent had one PB or heave or anything. I dont feel pain when I eat but I can feel the pressure when it goes through the band. I havent gained any weight. My biggest concern is that god awful stitch type pain in my side and when i burp if I dont hold on properly the pain goes from my left hip up through my chest and down my left shoulder. Thats awful! And that happens on fluids or on nothing at all so it doesnt have anything to do with food (I dont think). I'm still doing fluids for breakfast and I still love opti but if I never see another soup again I'll be a very happy bander! I eat not quite 1/2 cup at a time. Last night I had the compulsion to eat even though i wasnt hungry but that was bad time and food management throughout the day and also probably not eating enough until I'm full cause I'm scared of the pain with a little Friday night depression.

This all started on wednesday night (in such a funk I was ready to eat mc donalds) but my first full day was yesterday. And I LOVE it! What a difference it makes! I'm actually enjoying food again but psychologically its really hard. I'm terrified of liking the food "too" much and eating too fast and too much. I also feel like I'm a big fat heiffer until I write down what i've eaten and realise its not even one meal in my old days and its a whole days worth of food now. I weighed myself today and I am exactly the same so thats more validation for me. I'm also eating better i think - less fat thats for sure! You see, I actually HATE soup. I have NEVER eaten soup excpet for maybe a laksa so I was pretty much drinking extended sauces based primarily on cream and milk. When I did the canned soup I added milk not water and really, all this milk and cream was grossing me out. Even the word minestrone makes me want to heave. I think meaty vegie soups are like nursing home food and make me feel sad and smell like someone has pooed their pants. Now I'm having some lean meat (chicken) blended with some water and some blended peas or brussels sprouts. I had some boiled egg and cheese and ham for lunch yesterday and i love it all and its less fat and points than on liquids. I really have to go with my instincts on this. All I can say, is life has improved dramatically!

Psychologically, Friday nights are hard still, I still have a whisper of the binge compulsion. I would love to stuff my face but I know for a fact the feeling of being fat and useless is far worse than my pining for a binge. I will NEVER tell my doctor what I've done and I will act like I'm holier than though for now.

What also helps is the husband came home on Thusday night and was beside himself when he saw me! He made me feel like a teenager again. He couldnt stop looking at me! It was awesome! and reminded me of how good this can all feel! I LOVE IT! Jeans were too big so went the next size down (18) and they fit with room to move - I think they're on their way out! Stupid little excited puppy I am but I cant help it.

So I told my parents. I ended up going in to see them last Friday after the op and telling them. I hadnt seen them all week and they hadnt been in. Mum was shocked at how much weight I had lost and she knew I had been doing Opti so I told her I actually had an op. I explained it all really quickly before she could pass out (which she looked like she wanted to do) and she was actually quite fascinated and shocked that all of this had gone on right next door and they didnt know!!!! She called my dad and asked did you know Shaggs was in hospital on Tuesday night? Of course he didnt and he wouldnt believe I had had an op unitl I showed him the wounds!! He was in total disbelief. And then a bit angry and hurt cause if something had of happened he would not have had the chance to say goodbye. I told him I made sure I hugged them both and said I loved them before op and that we do that all the time anyway and anyone of us could die tomorrow it doesnt have to be an op etc etc. And he came round and now he thinks I'm so brave and strong for doing it (total opposite to what I think people will think about it being easy way out etc) Neither of them thought I was stupid or ridiculous for doing it and they're so excited for me and we talk about all the lovely clothes I will be wearing and the health etc. So they were total opposites. I thought mum would freak and dad would be cool but it was completely other way round although mum did admit that if she had known before she would have flipped and I did do the right thing by not telling her.

And thats about it for now, would like to have a really good go at some of the psychological issues here, maybe later.

One Week Bandiversary and the Chew and Spit!

Its been a week and its all going great guns! The restriction feels a little less today but I have been kinda grazing (sipping here and there) rather than having a sit down slurp. Stopped Celebrex (anitinflammatory) yesterday and I do feel quite a pull on the port scar but that could also be from rolling around in bed last night (not the good kind of rolling around but just trying to get comfy). Told some mum's today at school that I got my gall bladder out - had to because I've been ignoring them and you cant step on toes at school when your kids are involved. So I go home and read up on gall bladders and did you know that there is a huge risk of gall stones with dramatic weight loss? I may have to get my gall bladder out twice!

So, the chew and spit - at the risk of losing friends - here goes. Actually dont feel like doing it today but man what a lifesaver it is! When it all gets tooooo much and you just want to lash out (I know how filthy and psychologically f$%^d up this sounds but it is so great at this stage and alot of people do it) you get the most yummy textured prohibited food (preferably carb, if you're going to do it do it properly) have a good huge mouthful just like you did in your gorging days and chew and chew and crunch and enjoy that texture and taste and everything that it has to offer and then when you have completely depleted that mouthful - spit it out! Now have a sip of your optifast shake or similar low fat feral "allowed" drinks or foods and wash down the flavour making sure you keep a tab on any residues left in your mouth (they can build up in your band). Repeat step 1 and enjoy! I have found myself full and satisfied on lebanese pizza, a calamari ring and a piece of toast with real butter. Yum! I know I shouldnt make a habit of this. I'm sure there's some kind of nervosa situation for it but until I can eat normal foods again (albeit in small quantities) I will continue to preserve my sanity in the above manner. Make sure you are discreet with your spits, it can be very gross for anyone around you, they'll be gawking in disbelief and you can giggle with delight at the awesome flavours and textures available to you with no strings attached!

Before you all freak at what a f$%&d up individual I am, have a read around and you'll find alot of people doing it in the extremely tough liquid stages or, better still, give it a go! What have you got to lose? (other than a mouthful of food). And if anyone tries to stop you and tell you that you're wasting good food, give them an Optifast shake (preferrably 3 weeks straight of them) and then they can comment.

Weeing laying down in the Valley of Death

And welcome to the Valley of Death! Before you continue I would like to emphatically impress upon any readers that at no point did I ever regret being banded, not once did I ask myself why did I do this?

At the hospital by 11.30 for a 1.30 surgery. Told I would get some sedative type drugs before surgery to calm me – what I didnt know was they meant I was getting a needle as I was being wheeled into the operating theatre. Anyway, I made it in one piece and before I knew it I was waking up in recovery with someone saying it all went well which meant nothing to me as I was sliding down a slippery slope into the valley of death and into the most……….

HORRENDOUS PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You see, my gas pain is not in my shoulders but in my chest and at best it feels like a rock and at worst it stops you from breathing. So I woke up with what felt like a knife through my chest and another in my port site and not being able to breathe or talk or cry just emit tiny gasps and moans for drugs. You see painkillers have never agreed with me so morphine was out of the question and I don’t know what they were actually giving me but it wasn’t working! After about 10 top ups it was slightly bearable and I was busting for a wee. Apparently they pumped 2 litres of water into me during the op and I have no idea why! During this time more patients started coming into recovery and they wanted me out but the porters were taking someone else back to their room and the nurses wanted me to wait til I got to my room to go and I insisted on a bed pan which was one of those huge ancient ones I had to jack myself up on it (still in agony) and try to wee lying down which is no easy feat when you are cramped up from busting, full of gas and have a bladder that has been destroyed by 3 c sections and severe adhesions. But I did manage some before going back to my room.

Back at the room and I wanted more drugs, the pain was gobsmacking, I was on the main road of the Valley of Death and I still had to do a wee and the thought of getting up without more drugs made me want to wet the bed. The anesthetist suggested I do more wee in a pan to relieve some pressure - after an horrendously painful failed attempt at trying to get up. I did do some more wee which did help me get up and sit on the toilet and really do a wee and I felt much better but still like I had been hit by a truck in the chest. I decided I wasn’t going back to the bed as it was too hard and painful to get up and down and I sat in a chair at which point I could feel the drug withdrawal kicking in. By this time I had been asking for more painkillers for at least 15minutes or more. Now I was DESPERATE! I could feel the cold hand of drug withdrawal tightening around my stomach, squeezing the cold sweats out of me and I know this only leads to one place – VOMIT LAND! (The capital city of the Valley of Death) Which I know is absolutely a no no after this surgery so I was SCREAMING the place down to get something into me before I ………

And then I did.

Yes, I violently heaved 4 times within 1 hour of having my stomach stitched around a lap band.

Pretty.

Then they took me seriously didn’t they! They came running with my beautiful friend Pethidine and guess what they said, I had to get back on the bed so they could give it to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Repeat the previous agonizing steps and continue with story.

So, Pethidine – lovely sweet friend of mine – doesn’t actually take the pain away but it certainly makes it so you can psychologically cope with it. And I found a little peace for a moment or two.

Did I mention that my three little children witnessed all of this? They of course were trembling in a corner (they weren’t meant to be there but I accidentally bumped into them coming back from surgery and my husband had to be all hands on deck by this time so unfortunately they were innocent bystanders). They did however last see me all pretty and pethidined and they understood that everything was OK now and even mummies need band aids sometimes! (I will start putting money away now though for their future psychiatric needs)

Lets go back to the part where they pumped 2 litres of whatever in me for whatever reason and lets just say that the entire night was spent getting up and going to the toilet! Because of the chest pain I couldn’t lay down and because of the port site pain I couldn’t sit up and because of the weeing I couldn’t stay still so I walked and reclined and fidgeted and wee’ed my way through the night!

Fun.

Word of warning – when in hospital NEVER expect anyone else to keep up with your pain meds. It is your responsibility! If you don’t ask you don’t receive for some f#$%d up reason they think you mustn’t be in pain if you’re not screaming and heaving in a corner somewhere. Especially if its nurse change over time. My nurse said I would’nt be getting anymore meds til the next shift which was about 5 hours after the pethidine. Thanks! At about 11pm (6 hours later) I went sobbing to the nurses station to pick up my own painkillers and I got some pretty Endone. Another lovely drug! This allowed me to doze a little in between the reclining, fidgeting, walking and weeing. By 3.30 I said a little prayer to my spirit people and asked for help with the pain. The signals get a little crossed with all the drugs and I don’t know how I figured it out but all I know is I arched my back and squeezed in my ribs with my hands and I released the most blissful amount of gas from my chest. It bubbled and gurgled and fizzled and popped its way through my body and the relief was indescribable! From there I slept for 2 hours and awoke to more lovely drugs and feeling a whole lot better!

Surgeon came for a visit around 7am and PEAKED OUT that I was allowed to heave the previous afternoon. The word sepsis was thrown around but clearly I was OK and I have to say the pain I experienced during and after the heaving was no different or anymore than the pain before so I really don’t think I did any serious damage.

All I can say is from then on things only got better! Going home was bliss. Showering was heaven. The pain got better every minute. Liquids suck. I still have chest pain but a good thump and it moves on.

Friday night I had an emotional meltdown from not being a normal human being and not being able to cope with food in a respectful manner. Its now called Friday Night Depression. No take away and no wine are the only causes known to man of Friday Night Depression and the symptoms are many and varied.

In all fairness I have had all my favourite foods and tempations around me and it has been really hard to cope at times but I have a new found respect for this amazing body that heals on its own and only asks that I give it a little rest for a week or two. I know one day soon I’ll be able to eat my favourite foods in moderation and not kill myself with food abuse.

I already love my band. I love the restriction and I feel yucky after a few mouthfuls and I have no desire whatsoever to continue eating (drinking) no matter how great the fluid is. I can figure my body out so much better and understand what it needs when you’re down to the baseline. I know exactly when I need more fluid energy. What will not go down well. What will last longest. I love it! I do get freaked out by the pains and pops and burps and such and wondering if its all f#$d up and going to fall out of me and get infected or something. I just so want this all to be OK now. I feel so worried but so hopeful.

But back to today. Its day 6 and I couldnt have believed it could be so good. Every burp and fart and sickly soup I get closer and closer to feeling like a normal human being again. The pain is now more discomfort and I'm up and about but very carefully and with plenty of rests although i think I did well today taking the kids to the Aquarium and then coming home to cook dinner. The housework is catching up but I'll build up to that. Liquids are proving a challenge but i think i've come through the worst of it now. I’m taking great pleasure in the small things, a flavoursome tinned soup, a gas relieving burp, a body splitting fart and last but certainly not least the 8.2kg weight loss! That’s 3 kg since Tuesday! Love it! Everyone is freaking out looking at me cause I look so different. So unswollen and happy!

So I start and finish with the fact that no matter how dark the Valley of Death (and lets face it my Valley of Death was not as dark as a lot of bloggers) it has all been worth it!

I request the right to remain silent

I'm home. Everything went well. I'm in worlds of discomfort and pain I never knew existed. No one ever told me it was going to be like this. I dont want to reveal too much cause I think everything will be so much better tomorrow and right now everything is tainted with the dark glasses of gas pain and extreme tiredness. So until later.....

PS Did I mention that I'm still so glad I did it!

Its Christmas Eve here in our house!

Just a quick post. Gotten over the melancholy of the nightly news showing the devastation of the Victoria fires and now back to feeling sick for myself. Very excited and quite a bit nervous. The only thing I can pin point is just the view of the world when you're laid out on a guerny being wheeled into an op theatre (shudder!). PSD from the c sections I guess. They've promised me some pretty drugs to help my cope with the wait unfortunately they dont home deliver the night before and I have to wait until the morning. So I'm in there at 11.30am and I'm first off the rank at 1pm. Fingers crossed. I may have a cardiac arrest before then.

Looking at the world and cracking jokes like I'll never be back here again boo frigetty hoo for me. Cant concentrate enough to write anymore only to say that I rode the wave last night and all is good between me and husband today and I have reinstated my old will leaving everything to him - it no longer goes to the cat refuge.

See you on the flip side!

Have you ever wanted to kiss someone while you killed them?

My husband is now not talking to me. Am I being a bitch for the sake of it or am I not sedated by food anymore? Am I not standing for crap anymore or am I provoking the crap to occur? Either way guys, that's the way it is today. I am busting a gut cleaning and cooking and shopping and making sure that everything runs smoothly for at least the next week and he's doing nothing but asking me why I'm being such a bitch. "Leave it all up to him" I hear you say. Nice thought but if I did the only people who would suffer would be the kids or me when I get home. He has an uncanny way of NEVER wearing the responsibility for anything especially when its all his responsibility.

Am I just setting him up to fail? Have I created that failure already? Should I be thankful to him for earning enough money for me to be able to do this in the first place? Should I punch him or hug him? He still cannot fathom how being around food is hard for me! He has never starved in his life and yet he thinks he can judge my behaviour (even though I will swear til my death that my unhappiness is me not being able to take the standard amount of crap that I usually take whether hungry or not is not the point I shouldnt have to take it either way). He cannot understand that over eating is an emotional issue. He thinks its as simple as "just dont eat". He doesnt understand how you can wear someone elses crap (this is understandable for a man who doesnt even accept his own responsibilty for things - how on earth could he take on someone else's????).

So if I'm being a bitch then so be it. He keeps asking if I'm going to be better after the op when I can eat again. I keep telling him I wont be eating for weeks after and even then it wont be gorging so no, I wont be sedated and in a carb coma if thats what he's asking. Will he again be able to get away with anything? I dont think so. Will I be a big ol mushy mum again - Nup definitely not. Apparently theres a 75% divorce rate after WLS. I thought maybe it was the physical changes and women running off with 25 year old personal trainers. Now I know what it is. You're not dealing with a zombie anymore. A big beautiful soft squishy human sponge who soaks up all the shit around them and only ever releases when at capacity and it takes an implosion to purge it all. The eternal human sponge who cleans up everyone elses shit and carries it around with them all day in a big wet mushy body stuffing it all ever further down with food - packing up the little emotional holes to stop the shit from pouring out.

So is the responsibility mine to find a different way to deal with everyone elses crap now or do I try and make everyone else responsible for their own shit? But that would require other people recognising their responsibility and so far today, I'm just being a bitch when I point it out.

We put the "Fun" in Dysfunctional!

2 days to go!! This time next week it will be all over (and then the real work begins LOL) Feeling pretty good today. Would like to scoff but that's just for entertainment. Instead I have been cleaning out cupboards etc and planning for the week ahead. I have nightmares about after my c sections and my inept (or lazy whichever you prefer) husband didnt cope very well and I was left holding the pan and doing everything as per usual resulting in some pretty hard core scar tissue. He cant handle the domestic and culinary chaos ie; doing more than one thing at a time and that includes breathing. And not only does he do a crap job but he criticises the job that I do and when everything goes haywire for him he still blames me. It gives me a royal case of the shits but really, I have to let go of that. This just might be my chance to get some back and let go of some of the resentment I hold towards the previous situations (ha ha funny aren't I). Lets just say that the soundtrack to the Xbox game Metal Gear Solid reminds me vividly of when my first baby was born, Max Payne was baby number 2 and baby number 3 was Halo. How would we ever catch up with the latest game if it weren't for carers leave? My husband would like to say why look to the past to find a reason to hate me when you're a bitch to me right now and all to the soundtrack of PS3's Little Big Planet I might add. It seems carers leave has begun! He thinks I need to go years into the past to find something to complain about. HA! If five minutes ago is the past then I wish I had severe short term memory loss a lah 50 first dates. Oh how in love we'd be! So we'll see how much of my rock he turns out to be this week. I have my parents next door but they dont know about this and if I can at all avoid it - I wont tell them - and even if I did tell them theres a jolly good chance my mother wont speak to me for a few weeks because of her emotional retardation as witnessed each time she found out I was pregnant. Fun.

Seriously, it does concern me, I hate that feeling of relying on someone else, its very frustrating especially someone as critical, inept and uncompromising as my husband.

On the positive side, he did comment yesterday when he got home after a week away in amazement at how much weight I had lost! Yay! Pathetic little puppy me for being flattered.

So, if you hadnt noticed - bring on the visit from Aunt Flo cause even I'm hating me at the moment!

In a funk again. Kind of. There's many things wrong with this week:
- Opti - need I say more
- My birthday - overindulged on wine totally ok with that but it feels like tonight I have gone back to a bit of hunger and withdrawals I want carbs badly.
- Husband been away all week - very hard, parenting alone, not much company all that goes with that
- PMT - need I say more
- The reality of surgery now that every other worry has passed (money, opti, waiting periods etc)
- Massively sore and itchy cold sore on my lip which further makes eating a shit thing to do (as if opti wasnt enough)
- Very tired, crash every night and then wide awake at 1am for hours
I know, all very minor worries but under the microscope of PMT and loneliness they're HUGE!
I also really dont believe that the weight loss to date (4.7kgs) reflects the amount of sacrifice and discomfort I have endured (woe is me!). Now I really know I'm whingeing - shitty about 4.7kgs now I'm shitting myself. Sorry guys....

I have actually been enjoying opti and have learnt so much about hunger and food etc its been all worth it just for that. Anyway, too despondant even for blogging - going now, losing the will to live.....