Monday, May 4, 2009

Nipple amputation and getting the most out of your empty wine bladder.

I dont think I need another pic for my pic updates as I look exactly the same now as I did a month ago and a month before that so can you all just appreciate the pic that is there and imagine the words "Two months post op" and "Three months post op". I do naively have faith that this thing is going to work and pretty much everyone in any walk of life will agree that there is a wax before the wane and just when you're about to give up, things start working again. But for now, I'll go with an ever so slight discomfort about 30 seconds after I swallow and we'll call that restriction. Right lets move on cause this band shit is getting old.

Ok, so since boobs are about 99% fat and not a terrible lot else of course they are one of the first things to go when you start on the losing streak. Mine need to be "picked up" and placed in a bra cup. Removed from under my husband when we wake up in the morning - we call that hold the "mammogram". When my husband sits in his desk chair his head is exactly level with my chest and there's no hiding the fact that that is the perfect opportunity to almost suffocate him with a hug to the head into the DD cups and it does actually suffocate him as the loose skin actually has the capacity to be sucked into the nasal cavity. Now, thats all good and well but this all takes place with the bra and shirt on and yes the girls are most definitely level with his head. However, try going for the full monty flash and I nearly wet pants and cried all in one when my husband actually had to readjust his neck in order to even look at the said DD cups. What started at eye level ended up resting on the arm of his chair. Nice. It all happened so fast he had to get an adjustment with the family chiropractor - yes girls - another handsome doctor at the most inopportune of times - "Excuse me handsome, dapper, older man but it seems that my frame is struggling under 40kg of excess flesh - do you think you could manipulate my cottage cheese back cleavage and realign my frame to accomodate another deep fried mars bar?".

So, as you can imagine my DD cups (which they still are because what they now lack in plump cushy fat they make up for in loose skin) are begining to resemble empty wine bladders (back to those 90cent mozelle days - if you hold the valve open and blow into an empty wine bladder you can get more goon out - did you know that?). We all remember the 4 year old AKA Damien the Devil's Spawn. What I havent mentioned about Damien is that he also has a touch of the obsessive compulsives (of course he has you say) and he went through a period of opening every kitchen drawer and having them all opened but staggered - quite a nice look I must say - from opened a little to the bottom drawer which is opened alot. Now this kitchen is very new and has very slidey drawers that almost shut on their own very fast and very smoothly.

So there I am in my old nanna's seer sucker nightie with my empty wine bladders swaying in the breeze and I bend down to shut all the drawers but I'm not moving fast enough for the shutting of the drawers and the next thing I remember is lying on the kitchen floor and looking at the ceiling and wondering why someone has shoved a hot poker through my nipple. The pain was blinding. Somewhere off in the distance someone was screaming and I thought I had to pull myself together and save my children from whoever was killing them and then I realised the screaming was coming from me. I didnt want to look in case there was blood and how was I going to explain to the paramedics (of course they would be hot paramedics) what had happened. Do you put an amputated nipple in a bag of frozen peas in case they can reattach it? Would they find the nipple amongst all the peas? Are peas allowed in the operating theatre? Would they build me a new nipple out of ass fat? Would I lose weight? Would I have a dent in my ass? Could they suck more fat out of my arse cheek so at my arse looked smaller from one side at least? Should I get the surgeon (of course it would be a hot surgeon) to insert a nipple ring while he's there stitching me up? Could he put in a silicone insert while he's in there so at least one of my DD cups stays up in my husbands face?

Oh what goes through your brain in times of stress.

As it so happens, the nipple was red and a bit bruised for a couple of days but otherwise fine. The same cannot be said of my 14 year old nephew who was staying over - poor boy - young impressionable boys should not know that nipples can get stuck in drawers. If he turns out messed up I've promised his mother I'll pay the therapy bills. I'm sure he'll never be able to hear a woman scream in pain without thinking of his aunties saggy boobs and elongated nipples. He'll be in the delivery ward with his wife and he'll be rocking in the corner in the fetal position at the sounds of her screams (unlike all the other dads who are cosy in a bean bag sleeping off the gas abuse).

I can still feel the pain now. You can too, cant you? Hands up who's rubbing their boobs right now?

So the DD cups are looking great in a bra and with a smaller waist but they hide that smaller waist when the bra is gone. Ass is still huge. Guts gotta go. Que sera!

Oh and by the way, my husband has an office at home - this didnt all start in some cube farm with a young intern (of course he'd be hot) wondering who was suffocating his boss at his desk with a pair of big saggy titties.

So, if you have big saggy boobs - watch out for the kitchen drawers and if you have small perky boobs (I hate you) and watch out for the tall boy drawers.


  1. Isnt it funny how you can actually visualise something when being told about it?? Its exacltly what I am doing now.. You crack me up... Go, the seer sucker nighty.. arent they just the most comfy.. Funny how in the beginning of a relationship, we get all the sexy , pretty nighties and underwear.. then a few kids and few years of marraige later, out come the granny jocks and night gowns.. LOL.. love the story...
    xx Nene

  2. Lovely post, for once I'm grateful that mine are just a dot on a large balloon...

  3. Oh my god, I can't stop laughing.. I know it must of been painful but.. must... stop.. laughing... you poor thing!!!!!

  4. Ya know Shaggs.......some men think that more than a mouthful is a waste.....but others like to hang onto their fruit while they eat it!!!!! waaahhhaaaaaa

  5. I am sorry but I just laughed until tears came out of my eyes. And I think I peed myself a little. Which is something else that goes along with the saggy boobies in my case. I'm only laughing because it could SO easily have been me. In fact I once leaned on my nipple while giving my kids a bath.

    I am fond of telling people that now as I approach 40 the old hooters are less Pamela Anderson and more National Geographic.

  6. Shaggs, you are one of the most hilarious people on the planet. I love that I found your blog, I am sorry you had to go through a nipple slamming episode. But with E cups I completely understand. My poor girls sagged a long time ago, no weight loss required.

    Jadey :)


Weight Loss From 27th January 2009