Classic Avoidance Behaviour - PICS!!!

Oh boo frigedity hoo to me! This is Melbourne not Siberia and for a thousand other reasons - get over it! So lets bury our heads in the sand and move on to some light entertainment - PICS!!!

First

Shopping on Bridge Street Richmond - the only place in the world you'll find Sass and Bide right next door to some anonymous $5

clothes shop. Love it! I hope I never get used to seeing trams rattl

ing along down the road - so classically Melbourne. This is my new "hot pink almost red" short trench. Foul pic but never mind.

Pic number two - my new

jeans!!

Still size 18 but 18 from Jeans West! They're very thick, hard denim so they dont stretch and look like an empty lunch bag at the end of the day. Its also very difficult to eat in them but then - thats not a bad thing. Sorry for the stupid pic in the mirror thing but no one is around

and if I dont get this done now it will be never.

Pic number 3

My gorgeous huge (indoor - there is also an outdoor)

spa bath. This house was designed and built by two gay men with a taste for pool parties (can you tell?)

Pic number 4

Cute purple sketchers. Not the most delicate, feminine little shoe but certainly comfortable and wearable. And yes that is Peter also showing off his cute little shoes too! God forbid he should step more than 3cm away from me at any given time. A little tip about Sketchers - they stink! But, if you take out their inner soles and put new ones in they're just fine!

Going to stop here with the pics as strange things are happening when I download so before I lose everything - I'm going. More to come.

The Call of the Wild

One of my favourite spring memories - I'm walking home from the train station the air is warm, I notice there's still sunlight when the week before it was dark - it's perfect dusk. There's a warm breeze heavy with the scent of Jasmine flowers that bring with it all the wonderful memories of summer - the beach, the fruit, the friends, the fun! As I walk along the street I live on I can hear a low rumbling beat in the distance, a deep bass vibration travelling down the street and getting ever louder and deeper. With each step the smell of Jasmine becomes stronger, the air warmer and closer on my skin the low rumble gets louder and louder until I reach our yard. It is the primal rumble of my father (an aboriginal elder of the D'harawal tribe) playing his didgeridoo that calls me home. And that is the beginning of summer for me. And that is home to me.

So now winter is coming to an end and its that time of year again. The days are longer, the air is warmer and filled with the

memories of summers

past. Barbeques, late night out door drinking, recovering in a crystal clear pool. Super blond hair and glowing brown

skin. The tingling sting of a slight sunburn from a day at the beach. Fizzy alcoholic drinks, homemade cocktails made from bits and pieces leftover from a big Saturday night. Ahhh summer! Made all the better by a long stream of family and friends coming and going, your place or theirs, it didnt matter. It was SUMMER!!! And this was my most favourite time of the year - the aniticipation of summer! Winter is nearly over, you're noticing the changes but you're not dealing with sweat, humidity, flies, sleeveless tops and sticky fake tan that smells like curry. You're just working with the good memories, the nostalgia. I just love this time of year.

So why do I feel so sick and desolate?

Oh, thats right - I have no family or friends.

And what is summer without them?

There is no chance if I spark up a barbeque (which we dont even have) and crack a fizzy that someone will just pop in and share in the food and drink and sweaty frivolity. Not even mum and dad will pop their heads in from next door. This is truly sad.

I kid you not, I went to Aldi for some familiarity and A. They sell alcohol! and B. Check out the name of their $3.99 special!!! I get the hint!

Please dont tell me to be patient and I'll make new friends. I want my old friends. And a month without friends to me is like a year without water. I look out to the beautiful blue sky and gorgeous almost summer sunset and I cry with total and utter despair. This is really painful stuff. I see people at the shops and I think "Oh there's so and so" and move in for a chat and then the stark realisation that this is just someone who looks like them and could not possibly be them and I could cry right there in the middle of woolworths (Safeway in Melbourne). To not see ANYONE you know for weeks at a time is really hideous. I talk to checkout people, receptionists - anyone at all and I am quietly and silently sizing them as suitable long term friend material. And if I find someone who I think would be great it practically breaks my heart that they dont invite us all over for a barbeque on the weekend. I see women stopped in the streets having a chat and I look in amazement and think - wow, they're friends?!!?? And honestly, as a sane onlooker - I feel really sorry for me. I feel like an alien on another planet. I want to scream from the rooftops - "I have friends!!! I really do!" I have been getting myself out there and going to places and "things" but I'm sure I'm scaring people off with the wretching stench of desperation. This is really so pathetic, ungrateful and really so much deeper than I expected. I knew this would be hard but this is sad on a micro level.

And lets remember why we're all here in the first place? The band. Yes the 6 month bandiversary came and went last week and let me beat you all to the rush to say - I would never have lost and kept off the 14 kilos I've lost without it but really (and my husband has started asking questions) should things have moved a little faster than this? Maybe not. I must remember the first two months without any kind of a decent fill were a complete write off (excuses excuses) and its only been the last 3 months I've felt vaguely on top of it all so really 14 kilos in four months is pretty much right on. So lets let that one go......

Although - that summer thing again - I would have thought I would be much more physically comfortable and less insulated this summer and wearing pretty cotton summer numbers this season but like those gorgeous winter boots - ta ta to that dream!

So the band is on again off again at the moment. I think its off to the doctors next week although I'm still getting stuck and puking every day. Who knows - I'm lost - no idea. I dont understand how I can be so tight I'm puking and yet still feel hungry and never full??? I think its my habits not the band. So do I need another fill? Wouldn't have a clue.

I swear to you, the pics are coming and I would have put them in this post but the pics are kinda funny and this is kinda not (sorry bout that).

So, people think that aboriginal people are nomadic and can live anywhere travelling where the wind and food takes them and so maybe its the whitey in me that is suffering so much from the move? But then, what people fail to recognise are the ties to land and tribe that aboriginal people feel - we may wander but always on the same land and with the same people.

And I don't have either.

The world's best kept secret!

Sorry no pics yet but I swear they are coming! I just LOVE my new clothes - I actually feel like I look in my new clothes. For so many years I have worn whatever would fit and in colours that are slimming (ie: black) but everything I bought on Sunday is pink and purple and I just love it all!!! Its horrible in life when your outside is not an expression of your inside and while I would still like some more options I'm pretty happy with what I got on Sunday.

I also love Melbourne. No I was not being sarcastic in my last post and I should have pointed this out before I had a whinge on Saturday night but I love Melbourne and where I'm at is not the problem its totally just the lack of friends and family - and I dont want new ones I just want the ones I had! Well, new friends are great dont get me wrong but I also want my old ones.

So the weather here at the moment is my favourite weather of all. It is cool, crisp and dry. Perfect weather for straightened hair (stays perfect all day), oily skin (stays clear and smooth), big asses (a good jacket hides all sins), higher kilojoule consumption (gotta keep warm somehow) people who wear black all the time (a scarf can be a colourful addition to any outfit without adding kilo's and rolls to your gut in fact, a scarf creates a slimming, vertical line and actually covers the gut rolls - everyone's a winner!). And Melbourne has some GREAT shopping!!! I dont know if it was because I lived in a shitty area in Sydney where all of the clothes were either trashed in the shop or there were no larger sizes left cause, lets remember there's like 10 fast food outlets around these shops and all of the larger sizes would go instantly!

So there are many reasons I love Melbourne, let me just finish by saying that this place is one of the worlds best kept secrets! It is the perfect blend of beach and city and family and funky life and I just love it! Its cheaper, easier, friendlier and far more lovely than Sydney in so many ways, if only everyone was here...

Oh and my band is as tight as so the weight is dropping off. Actually saw 90.8 yesterday! Couldn't eat meat and carbs together if I tried and I do at least one puke a day but I'm loving it and my husband is getting to know what its like to date a bulimic super model (I disappear at least 3 times every meal to make myself more comfortable!).

Part II

So I went shopping.

Enough said.

Pics to come.

Love Melbourne.

And just when you thought it was safe to blog....

Hands up who can tell that I'm a sad Mexican (Victoria is south of the border from Sydney) with no friends? Or who is not quite switched on enough to figure out that it is Saturday night here and I'm blogging? I'm thinking that if you've got friends you share your stories live and in full colour on a Saturday night and not type away frantically to "cyber" friends who aren't actually sharing in the story at this actual point in "real" time.

So we've been here for almost two weeks and I've kept myself kind of busy with various things. I have one friend here (I met her online during the banding process and I often wonder if things would have been different had she realised I would one day turn up in her "real" life - oops!) and aside from her - there is no one. Yep, no one. Party girl central has turned into lonely librarian of the year. I have called almost every Sydney person I can think of including my mother and no one is answering and those who do are busy being people with friends. I am being a typical friendless person and drinking on my own, crying for no reason and blogging. Fun.

I sit here and wonder how long will it be until I have friend. A "real" friend. You know one of those people you just cant wait to see and theres no awkward silences and you have everything in common and all the kids get along and they like to drink too? Will it ever happen? I dont think I had come to a point where you dont meet new people anymore cause I was still making really good friends right up until I left Sydney. I went out to a group meeting thing last night and it felt good having somewhere to go but still, my fortune for a "real" friend. The lonliness is palpable.

Add to all this the fact that as I suspected, we dont really fit in here. There are some very beautiful well put together people in these parts and I either need to go and do a full wardrobe overhaul or go back to south west Sydney where I belong. My husband has been putting the pressure on for me to get some new clothes shoes anything other than what I have and yes he has also mentioned that if I like something, then I shouldnt get it cause my taste is in my arse and I dont know good from bad which really just makes me want to stay home. If I take him with me as stylist then we have three whinging kids in tow and if I go on my own I'll make massive fashion faux pas. The only shoes I have smell so bad I cant take them off in a shop to buy new ones. All of my uniforms (ie: my black v neck three quarter sleeve tops) have holes in them from spending my entire sad life rubbing up against the kitchen bench. I havent been a shopper for so long I've forgotten how to do it. Material stuff just hasnt been my thing for such a long time and really, I'd rather not go there again but I also hate looking like a mumsy schmo ESPECIALLY when I weighed in at an all time low of 91.2kg this morning. Still dont think I can comfortably wear size 16 jeans so it doesnt mean alot when you're wearing the same fat clothes you've always worn but still, I thought today might be a good day but, alas, I have ended up in a funk you could smell from Fremantle.

"He" has suggested that tomorrow he looks after the kids (nice to have a baby sitter!) while I go shopping and what girl wouldnt be chaffing at the bit but dead set - I'm so not interested. Of course I would love lovely new clothes (most of mine are op shop top finds) but couldnt I just wake up and find them all hanging there in my wardrobe? Do I really have to traipse around hot sweaty shopping centres amongst beautiful people hauling my fat white arse with greasy ruddy blotchy cheeks in and out of badly lit fittng rooms buying clothes that, ultimately will be ill suited to me, my lifestyle (or lack there of) and end up wholey and stained and stretched beyond recognition. Where is the fun in that? Thats not fun. Fun is sleeping in, having a BBQ breakfast lounging about and going to a friends house and eating, drinking and laughing until the wee hours of the morning.

I really thought I had "worked through" the grief of all of this but I guess all it takes is one lonely Saturday night to highlight just how sad and lonely your "new" exciting life is (just for the record - I never thought this would be a new and exciting life). And, as per my usual response to adversity - I just want to curl up in a corner by myself (lucky for that!) and retract into a reclusive and often foetal state and hope it all goes away. There's no gung ho "everything will seem better in the morning" optimism hidden away in these bitter walls. No siree! I'm just happy that theres no one here in my "real" world to know just how fucked up this all is. Boo frigedity hoo!

I'm also pretty sure that blogging wasnt meant to bring down all the poor saps who signed up to follow this self indulgent trite crap..... sorry guys. If only there was blogger chat then this post may never have happened.

When a Camel Toe is a Good Thing

I am wearing size 16 jeans.

They're tight but damn they're hot!

I have a camel toe/front wedgie/wendy in fact - the whole damn herd.

I love myself sick. I cant sit down, I cant eat (not a bad thing) and I 'm pretty sure I cant take a deep breath but good God, they're size 16!

I would have posted a picture but no one does it better than Wonder Woman.

And its a wonder I can breathe.

Hey Hey Its Saturday!

This morning I could just feel that things were different so I just had to step on the scales and I was 91.8kg. I cracked the 91 mark. Phew! I realise that this is not an official weigh in day but being Saturday morning and one of my lowest points is truly a miracle in my life. In my old life I would never have weighed myself after a Thursday because weekend celebration mode would have kicked in by then and I would have weighed massively more than I should have. I have also been known to inflict Nazi style diet activity upon myself where I would deliberately make weigh in day Monday or Saturday so I would even have to suffer during times when it would kind of be fair ease off a little (but I would have abused that leniency anyway). It is really nice to notice a change in my behaviour due solely to the band. The band does not know that it is Saturday or Sunday, the band can only do the same food activity no matter what day. I still have to work on eating real meals and not picking but it is getting harder under these moving circumstances. And I'm not deliberately bashing myself up and inflicting hideous diet regimes on myself and for that I am truly grateful. I have noticed that the restriction is lightning up and I'm starting to creep more food back in so I'm off to the doctor for my final Sydney visit on Tuesday and I'm going to get a little bit of fill also.

Yep, I'm digging this.