Hands up who can tell that I'm a sad Mexican (Victoria is south of the border from Sydney) with no friends? Or who is not quite switched on enough to figure out that it is Saturday night here and I'm blogging? I'm thinking that if you've got friends you share your stories live and in full colour on a Saturday night and not type away frantically to "cyber" friends who aren't actually sharing in the story at this actual point in "real" time.
So we've been here for almost two weeks and I've kept myself kind of busy with various things. I have one friend here (I met her online during the banding process and I often wonder if things would have been different had she realised I would one day turn up in her "real" life - oops!) and aside from her - there is no one. Yep, no one. Party girl central has turned into lonely librarian of the year. I have called almost every Sydney person I can think of including my mother and no one is answering and those who do are busy being people with friends. I am being a typical friendless person and drinking on my own, crying for no reason and blogging. Fun.
I sit here and wonder how long will it be until I have friend. A "real" friend. You know one of those people you just cant wait to see and theres no awkward silences and you have everything in common and all the kids get along and they like to drink too? Will it ever happen? I dont think I had come to a point where you dont meet new people anymore cause I was still making really good friends right up until I left Sydney. I went out to a group meeting thing last night and it felt good having somewhere to go but still, my fortune for a "real" friend. The lonliness is palpable.
Add to all this the fact that as I suspected, we dont really fit in here. There are some very beautiful well put together people in these parts and I either need to go and do a full wardrobe overhaul or go back to south west Sydney where I belong. My husband has been putting the pressure on for me to get some new clothes shoes anything other than what I have and yes he has also mentioned that if I like something, then I shouldnt get it cause my taste is in my arse and I dont know good from bad which really just makes me want to stay home. If I take him with me as stylist then we have three whinging kids in tow and if I go on my own I'll make massive fashion faux pas. The only shoes I have smell so bad I cant take them off in a shop to buy new ones. All of my uniforms (ie: my black v neck three quarter sleeve tops) have holes in them from spending my entire sad life rubbing up against the kitchen bench. I havent been a shopper for so long I've forgotten how to do it. Material stuff just hasnt been my thing for such a long time and really, I'd rather not go there again but I also hate looking like a mumsy schmo ESPECIALLY when I weighed in at an all time low of 91.2kg this morning. Still dont think I can comfortably wear size 16 jeans so it doesnt mean alot when you're wearing the same fat clothes you've always worn but still, I thought today might be a good day but, alas, I have ended up in a funk you could smell from Fremantle.
"He" has suggested that tomorrow he looks after the kids (nice to have a baby sitter!) while I go shopping and what girl wouldnt be chaffing at the bit but dead set - I'm so not interested. Of course I would love lovely new clothes (most of mine are op shop top finds) but couldnt I just wake up and find them all hanging there in my wardrobe? Do I really have to traipse around hot sweaty shopping centres amongst beautiful people hauling my fat white arse with greasy ruddy blotchy cheeks in and out of badly lit fittng rooms buying clothes that, ultimately will be ill suited to me, my lifestyle (or lack there of) and end up wholey and stained and stretched beyond recognition. Where is the fun in that? Thats not fun. Fun is sleeping in, having a BBQ breakfast lounging about and going to a friends house and eating, drinking and laughing until the wee hours of the morning.
I really thought I had "worked through" the grief of all of this but I guess all it takes is one lonely Saturday night to highlight just how sad and lonely your "new" exciting life is (just for the record - I never thought this would be a new and exciting life). And, as per my usual response to adversity - I just want to curl up in a corner by myself (lucky for that!) and retract into a reclusive and often foetal state and hope it all goes away. There's no gung ho "everything will seem better in the morning" optimism hidden away in these bitter walls. No siree! I'm just happy that theres no one here in my "real" world to know just how fucked up this all is. Boo frigedity hoo!
I'm also pretty sure that blogging wasnt meant to bring down all the poor saps who signed up to follow this self indulgent trite crap..... sorry guys. If only there was blogger chat then this post may never have happened.