Devastation City Limits

So my lovlies the time has come to incorporate some of my real life with my blog world. No one I know in my real life actually reads this blog so I'm safe here. I've never wanted to blog about my "professional" life because it can impact your clients, performance etc etc but I think after two years its safe to say I can say whatever I want.

So, on the back of my last post here goes.

The reason I was so despondent goes as follows:

About 6 weeks or so ago on a Friday night I had a dream a really vivid dream that I know comes from another place and is a very important message.

Back to the dream in a minute - you see for the past like 3 years I have discovered a very special ability (although it is present in everyone) to be able to know things others dont seem to be aware of and communicate with people and spirit guides on the "other side" and I use these abilities to give readings and help people in their everyday life. I have always known that my true calling in this is to do public demonstrations to large groups (it is the way I work best) and that some level of fame and notoriety is to come of this. It propels my every day and all of what I do and always with the basic motivation being to help people and bring the notion that psychic ability is a human ability and not a "special gift" bestowed upon a few. We can and MUST all do this in order to help our every day existence and our human race and souls.

So, the dream. I had a dream that one of my teachers from Sydney took me by the hand and led me into a stadium that was full of people waiting for a show to begin. I was told there was 20 - 50,000 people waiting. He took me in a side door and I knew these people were waiting for a psychic show to begin and when I asked how do you do readings for this many people I got a short sharp "the same way you do it for one person". This teacher, we'll call him Angelo, was on an Australian TV show called The One the search for Australias greatest psychic and came into the final three and did quite well although he was a bit scarred by it and now doesnt mention it. The dream was gobsmackingly real. He had the prescence of an angel it was such a magnificent dream and since studying it up the arena I was in was the exact image of Madison Square Garden - a big deal right?

Anyway, I have no intention of trying to be Australias greatest psychic or be right all the time all I care about is that the individual that sits in front of me walks away feeling better having spent an hour of their time connected to the other side through me as their conduit. I also like it if they walk away with some little idea or technique about how to connect themselves to the other side to help them out and not have to heavily rely on someone like me. It is so not about me but about them and their loved ones. Its kind of like I'm the telephone and for me to make it about me is kinda wrong and strange - does a telephone get self conscious and suffer performance anxiety or overinflated ego issues??

So, the dream stuck with me all day that Saturday. I have been planning for ages to do some public large group shows but I'm pretty much on my own here in Melbourne and its daunting. I did some gigs in Sydney but as just a small part of someone elses show not my own. So I woke that morning going OMG this is what I HAVE to do!!!!!! No fear!! Just do it!!!

So Saturday goes on and we're starting up a business that will allow my husband to work from home and look after the kids (how coincidental or not???) and at about 1am on Sunday morning I see a note on Facebook that I would have missed had I not been on at the ridiculous hour and it was the winner of that particular TV show giving out the email address to apply to the show.

So in a nutshell I applied and then promptly forgot about it.

Fast forward two weeks and I got a call.....

It was the show who liked what I'd written and I had to undergo psychic quizzes and photos and application forms etc etc and they said they'd skype me on the Monday and I was freaking!!! The stars had aligned, the dates were perfect (my dead grandmas birthday, the anniversary of my grandpas death etc etc. I sent off my application form and sat at home and waited for my call and.............

NOTHING!!!

I was crushed like a bug worse than how I've been this week sooooooooooo bad. It meant I bombed on the application and what I thought was real information from the other side in my quizzes was all shite and the other side had let me down and just WHHHAHAHAHAHHTTTTTT!!!!

But I did get over it and I did survive and fast forward two weeks and I approached our school prinicipal to hire their hall so I could do a big live group show and what happens..... my phone rings and
its
the
show.......

and they loved my application and they want me to come in for a screen and test and some live psychic quiz stuff

FARK ME!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly died on the spot dead set!!!!!!!!

I had no time to buy a new outfit but I got a strong message that my first reading the following day was going to cancel and SHE DID!! so I went shopping. I was told which section of the shopping centre to go to and when I go there I had no idea which shop to go to until a maintenance car stopped out the front of a shop and sounded an alarm and I knew "thats the shop"!! and of course I found the perfect outfit in under an hour (the one I am picture in in the last post). I had my hair and make up professionally done ( I just had to give it my best shot - it was like the wedding day I never had it was ALL ABOUT ME!!) and off I went. I wasnt nervous I felt the ENTIRE universe with me. NOTHING had ever felt so right in my life. I felt like an angel channelling the very nectar of the universe. Everything I said was gold everyone I met was beautiful I felt like a freaking princess it was a surreal and out of body unbelievably fantastic experience. My readings were spot on everything was fabulous and they all loved me and we all bonded and had a top day and I would love to end this post on this cliff hanger but I just cant (as much for me as for you).

And then I waited

For two weeks

I waited

and waited

and in my head I kinda knew I didnt get it

but I couldnt ignore all the signs

there were more than I mentioned here

EVERYONE I spoke to "Felt" I had it

I didnt tell many people

I got an email last Friday night saying I didnt make it any further but thank you.

A part of me died right there and then

Unfortunately I had a friend over an I didnt want to kill the Friday mood and talk about it so by the time she left I almost self combusted and melted into a waterfall of tears of disappointment. Honestly, I dont really care if I'm not on a TV show. I felt most disappointed for my husband and family cause this was our way out of this ordinary and quite often very challenging and struggling existence. BIG changes were going to happen in a very short amount of time and we were ready.

I'm exhuasted to go back here I hope you all understand when I end it here until later???

Even as I read back over this I have just rushed ahead to get the basic details down and this post does it all no justice. This was MONUMENTAL in my life. Amazing things do not happen to me!! They just dont. I've always thought that things didnt go so well for me so that I would always strive to find that very thing that I really needed to do as an individual and to an extent I was right. I have found what I needed to do but I swear this was all sooooo fabulous I thought this was what was next. I honestly cant believe it is all over. I have come to a level of acceptance in my everyday life but when I rehash it like this I relive it and I just still cannot believe it was not right.

When I think about it the whole show is based around the amazingness of the abilites and all I droned on about was how its not so amazing but accessible to everyone. That I am an ordinary Joe and if I can do it anyone can. Now I see it was a BIG mistake but I couldnt see it any other way so.... so be it!

At the back of all of this I had the complete and full understanding that if it wasnt meant to be it wouldnt. If it wasnt the best for me and my work then the powers that be wouldnt allow it to happen so in some ways I feel I've dodged a bullet.

But man I'm crushed like a bug and its hard to bounce back.

I have in some ways and I'm back to plodding along theres been some interesting insights into the whole process and what I've just been through and what I've learnt but for now I'm back to doing this the hard way and going back to the prinicpal to the hire the hall.

I'll keep you all posted

Love you all!!

Can losing 30kg make you happy??

So this is how I look today and guess what?? Losing 30kgs does not make you happy! "What!!" I hear you say??!?!? How can you not be happy?? You got what you wished for??? How can you not be happy??? Call me an ungrateful cow but losing 30kg does not make life any better - just different. Different versions of good and bad for different reasons but certainly no better. You'll still just be chugging away running around like a little ant doing the uselessly inane trite we call life. Who would have thought???

Life - grin and bear it. Is that what this is all about?? Just getting by and "pretending" like we're all having fun when really, life is a shitting hard thing to do. Why are we all doing this at all? Are people who take matters into their own hands and end their own lives are they the smart ones? Are they the proactive ones who can see the truth and just cut to the chase and bring the inevitable forward?? How do we know thats not the key to getting by in all of this??? How brave and courageous they are for seeing that this "here" is not the answer and bravely forging ahead into the unknown going against every instinctive impulse in their living breathing bodies and despite millions of years of evolution and life force doing the unthinkable??? Well its not actually unthinkable if I'm here writing this and you're reading it. Its definitely considerable. Is it a conspiracy of life that we should have dependents and people loving us and relying on us so that we couldnt exstinguish our own lives even if it was something we wanted? Is love just a cunning tactic of nature? Of course it is thats why babies are so cute isnt it? So we'd love them and look after them and feed them we're all getting screwed over by love at every step - every breath of our lives. Just as love can save us love can doom us into existence also.

I dont know about you guys but man I'm over being hopeful, optimistic, pleasant, joyful being grateful for another minute, day, month or year of life. Its just second by second here, I'm still here and it still sucks. Being scammed into the belief that like attracts like and if you're positive and optimistic you'll attract wonderful things. Sorry guys just another conspiracy. You see, while you're being optimistic and happy you wont notice or dare to examine the reality - that really, this is plain old shite and if good things happen beware! Something bad has to happen in return cause thats another old gem we've been spoon fed also isnt it? You cant just ignore that one now Miss Smiley. Remember - you cant have the good without the bad one doesnt exist without the other so hang on for the ride cause your roller coasters about to go on the down swing!

So whats happened to bring on this tirade of life hatin?? I could go into detail but it will never be as bad as some other peoples situation - someone is always worse off and I will be considered ungrateful and really its not much just the same old cold gruel that life seems to like dishing up (well no wonder I hear you say - look how negative you are?) Ah but you see, I am the devils advocate. I give readings from "the other side" I'm a psychic and a medium and a "light worker" I give spiritual advice and dwell in the light and help people through this cold existence giving them hope where there is none. I reconnect them to their loved ones that have passed over give them those words and moments that couldnt happen when you're on opposite sides of the veil. I'm the "conduit" I get to know what the other side is like and still get to stay here - how lucky am I!!!!! I do their dirty work and THEN i get screwed over - thats my payment you see. I get to somehow raise the enlightenment level of my soul by knowing what I'm missing out on and yet still hanging about here and helping others to cope. And i have to do it all with a smile and a twinkle in my eye and tell the biggest lie of all - that everything will be alright. Well, says the other side - of course it will be alright its not a lie - just DEFINE alright?? Is alright that you'll keep on breathing?? Or that you'll die?? Or that a loved one will be put out of their misery and they'll die?? Is death bad or a relief?? Is that the worst thing that life can come up with - death?? Have we all be scammed into believing that the one thing that we should all fear and avoid at all costs is actually the best thing for us?? Like a pretty bird in a cage hand raised to fear the wild and life outside the safety of its prison when really it could fly free and live a life beyond its wildest expectations.

Am I just tempting fate and asking for trouble here? Am I conjuring up serious harm and distress? Nothing else I seem to dwell in comes to fruition so why would the horrors?? I can help others I just cant help myself and who helps the helpers???

So, for better or worse its school holidays here. Good, because I cant do readings for people with the kids around so I get a couple of weeks off faking it and bad because even if I wanted to do something to help myself I couldnt. And theres a very distinct possibility that its the school holidays that brings on these maudlin musings and maybe its doing the readings for people and having one toe in the light for the most part of most days that keeps me away from day dreaming about not being here anymore. And through all of this I worry that maybe I shouldnt post this that people will go into freak mode and think I'm going to end it all or worse still, pass on the cold comfort of meaningless platitudes but really, neither of those things are true or will help in any way and if I'm still here after 38 years of this shite then why would I go now? Unfortunately you guys just get the shit here. I'll go off now and be Miss Light and Love and no one will be none the wiser only you guys will know whats going on behind my smile and thats ok cause I'll never meet any of you and none of you affect my everyday life except that it helps to have my little invisible ears out there all over the world and know that someone is listening and for that I thank you all. Thank you so much from the bottom of my cold, black heart and I do only wish the best for you all and hope that life isnt this "real" for any of you.

So guys just in case I'm not the only one who thought losing weight would fix everything just let me tell you once and for all - it doesnt fix everything. Life is still life and you still have to work VERY VERY VERY hard at keeping it all together no matter what size your clothes are.

Where will this end?

So after reading

Judy - http://judifromthismomenton.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-just-cant-shake-fear.html

and

Beth - http://whohidthedonuts.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-coming-out-of-hiding-erica-this-is.html

I really dont feel so alone. Judy (Stories from Judyland) did it for me when she said the worrying is back and once you start worrying you get sick of worrying and you throw in the towel and we ALL know where that ends!!!

Am I just suffering a little holiday cheer? My cycle is a little bit messed up so am I ovulating early again like last month? (ovulation always puts on about 2kg for me but goes just as quickly about a week later) Could this messed up cycle be the beginning of Menopause? Peri Menopausal I believe Oprah calls it (I'm 37 but I started my period young so it could be???? I'm realistic enough to know our hormones start dropping at 28ish so its not out of the question?!) Will the weight go again? Will I be on the other side of this next week? I've booked a fill for next Tuesday and I'm praying my band will start "working" again cause I really hate all the thought that is going into this all the snacking worrying weighing and thinking thinking thinking. being stuck at home during rainy school holidays doesnt help.

Anyway in the meantime - gonna do all I can with going over the top to the point of becoming an obsessive dieter again and obsessing my way back to 110kg again.

Just breathe - in with the good out with the bad.......

Special Occasion Depression and its Aftermath

So, coming down off that last little cloud now and back to what this blog is all about - weight! I munched and drank and sat my way through Christmas and New Years we had people here from Sydney and we live in Melbourne which is pretty much all about the food and wine and because Christmas is such a non event in my family (not my immediate family with the kids and all) but the wider family - theres no kids nothing special going on - well lets just say my knee jerk reaction is to try and MAKE something out of Christmas by cooking and eating and shopping and keeping myself busily away from the uncomfortable feelings of rejection and lonliness that tend to rear their ugly heads in the form of Special Occasion Depression.

I havent had SOD for a few years now it all started though when I started having babies 11 years ago and around the same time my grandmother started to get too old to put on our family traditional christmas. The torch probably should have been handed to my mother but she is just shite at entertaining shes a recluse and has not much of a clue shes also a shit guest as she would come to my lovingly prepared Christmas day, eat before it was served and fark off back home cause she was tired (undiagnosed untreated depression will do that to you). I know this all sounds so freaking dysfunctional and poor me but its important to know how I royally messed up this Christmas (no blaming anyone full responsibility on my part here).

So I learnt to deal with the SOD although for years it would bring me to my knees and I would keep it going for the kids and all but man once my grandmother died and all special occasion celebrations went out the window I really packed it in on those days. We would try to make something out of the special days but honestly we have a pretty shite extended family for those things they either wouldnt turn up or have other things on or whatever. Have I told you all this before?? Anyway, I knew it was my lesson to learn and it was part of the grieving process and saying good bye to my grandmother and my life long psychological and emotional issue has always been rejection and man would I set myself up for it on "special" occasions.

So, part of the whole ooger booger discovery process was dealing with all of these issues and I really did reach a very manageable level of healing and I wouldnt feel quite so bad and actually completely forgot about the SOD. We just accepted the fact it was me and the husband and the kids and made the most of it and I do believe the Universe and my ooger boogers sent me really lovely things on those days to help take my mind off it and I do believe the universe helps those who help themselves etc etc and so what does this have to do with the me of today?? (apart from everything) As you know 18 months ago we moved 1000kms away to Melbourne (and to no one) last christmas my husbands family came and stayed with us and it was a really fun holiday and time together so the reality didnt hit however this year, no one. Really, ABSOLUTELY no one. My BF here suggested we all share christmas together and then promptly forgot about it and made plans with her inlaws (see I still set myself up for rejection in my friends choices). And so I felt the SOD a stirrin!

Anyway about a week before Xmas my mother in law decides to come. I love her I really do but she suffers from major depression and victimisation syndrome and really, we shouldnt be together at a time like this alone with no other family or friends as a buffer zone. Lets just say it didnt go well (we didnt fight or anything but I had no energy to engage in her depressive poor me games - funny what we dont like in others isnt it??) it was rainy we couldnt do much the kids just want to play with their new stuff and so, she went home 3 days early on boxing day.

And me? Well, I really did handle it all well I swear I soldiered on faked it til I made it etc etc but I was truly shocked to find that SOD was back. It simmered underneath it all I didnt tell anyone about it I didnt cry on the lounge for hours like I used to but man it was BACK! I certainly didnt expect family to come flying in from all over the place in fact it was a relief they didnt but I guess I just didnt know how to do a special occasion with NO ONE. (I'm not ruling out my kids and husband here they just couldnt care less if there was sandwiches and we went to the park but thats not a special occasion to me - after all its all about the food, the decoration, the music, the drink the fun and honestly, dare I say, thats not my husband or kids. I have fun with the kids playing their games and stuff but its not a crowd, its not people, its not chatting etc etc etc its our everyday life. It was raining here we couldnt go to the beach the park or anywhere EVERYTHING is shut on christmas day. So what to do???

Funny thing is, in the lead up to christmas day I went a bit stupid and bought every type of food imagineable just to have in the house in case we felt like it. I didnt plan anything in particular I thought I'd just play it by ear but man did I build myself a fort made out of food!!?!? And on the day I made a full roast with all the trimmings I made enough food for 50 people and we had 3 depressed adults and 3 distracted kids. Funny thing was I didnt feel too bad, the food was exactly like my grandmothers even though I make my differently it all turned out perfectly and I felt like I was in some sort of trance making everything just the way she would have. I honestly didnt mean it, it just happened. Alot of funny things happened that day and I swear she was with me but anyway after all of this the point of the story is...... I ATE!!

OH MAN I ATE!!!

A few days later friends came to stay for a week and man

I ATE MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND DRANK AND DRANK AND SAT AND DID NOTHING FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT!!!

I soothed myself with smoothies, I eased the anguish with pavlova and trifle I whined over wine you name it I did it. And all throughout I didnt gain any weight and I swear on the last day the friends were here I felt my arse and gut start to magically grow right before my eyes I could hear the balloon squeaking sound when something expands. And now its taken me a week to talk about it but I saw 81kg. Its slowly starting to slip away again but for a few days there I thought something was wrong I was inexplicably growing and I couldnt stop it - it was scary and I all those feelings I havent had for so long started creeping back just like the SOD I honestly felt over 100kg again I was so self conscious...

anyway, kids are up now and I really have to move back into mother mode so just quickly. Its school holidays and I'm like a caged tiger its raining I'm drinking too much snacking too much too frustrated at just about everything and I need to centre myself again and get back on the "Shaggs matters wagon" and I thought blogging about it might help. I need to be honest about all of this and not slip back into everything will be alright mode and gain 30 kg back again. I'll write more about this later this is really a very simplified version but just let it be known, I have to go on a "Diet" cut back or whatever and it aint easy on school holidays stuck at home and now i finally see the band doesnt fix everything - it helps but it doesnt do it on its own.

Happy Hour Happiness

Ok I've got shedloads to do, its school holidays, its happy hour in the house of Shaggs and I'm having an afternoon wine (whine) and I'm in charge of kids who aren't biologically mine so of course, what should I do..... BLOG! Of course I've always believed we're best under pressure (ahlah Salt and Pepper "Shoop") and if it wasnt for the last minute nothing would ever get done so of course lets shoot the shit and just say, today, I've been touched by fame......

If she ever reads this, I swear I'm not a stalker but I do have a lady/blogger crush on this particular blogger alas, though, it is from afar. This particular blogger is so incredibly followed and loved she is even mentioned in a famous blogger book she is truly blog royalty. No, I'm not going to tell you who it is part of me jealously doesnt want to share her and part of me doesnt want you all to know who floats my boat (of course you all do float my boat in so many ways and I crush on you all for different reasons but I, like, want to be this woman when I grow up!). She is so naturally freaking funny, so quirky so inventive, strange and fun I just love her outlook I love what she finds on the internet and honestly, if I could be arsed, I'd follow suit and try and rip off her ideas in some way, shape or form but life's too short.

So, point of the story is, I left ANOTHER comment on one of her posts knowing and believing full well that it will get shuffled off into blogland amongst the other million comments and that would be that. I know as I say this and tell this story I think of all my beautiful blog friends out there and how much I love you all and how much I dont comment on your blogs and how much I love your comments on my blog and how much I dont comment on your comments on my blog and I feel like a right mole but you guys I consider my friends and well, she is, she's.... famous! Why does that make it ok? it doesnt but I have no other reason for this ridiculousness. So my comment mentioned how she hasnt posted for a while and could she please come back. And.............

I GOT A PERSONAL RESPONSE IN MY INBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know how sad this is I truly know but man this woman is in another orbit. I'm sorry this STILL isnt explaining my position but anyway I've loved this womans blog since I started blogging two years ago (just as I have loved all the blogs I follow) and I truly cant believe I blipped on her radar. I dont know if its the kids whinging for food or water or my ADD or what but I've lost motivation and incentive here (maybe its because deep deep down I know you're clucking your tongues and thinking what a brainless moron I am and what would I do if Lindsay Lohan actually walked through the door) but I am honestly not a celeb junkie. I'm talking myself into a whole here just know that at 11.02 this morning for better or worse - my life changed and my existence on this strange planet we call earth was made just a little bit more special.

P.S. It doesnt really matter what she wrote ("Your comment just made me so happy" yes, her exact words!) I responded and I'm sure she now knows what a sad little creature I am but you only get one shot and in the words of our illustrious Eminem in his famous song "Lose Yourself"

"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo"

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go"

That song means so much to me (yeah, right Eminem good one shaggs I am so not a homey but that song resonates in me - getting sadder peeps!!) I'm going to stop here before things get worse just know that man I love you all so much and I miss every one of you when you dont blog for a while I'm going now to lose myself in the music....