Devastation City Limits

So my lovlies the time has come to incorporate some of my real life with my blog world. No one I know in my real life actually reads this blog so I'm safe here. I've never wanted to blog about my "professional" life because it can impact your clients, performance etc etc but I think after two years its safe to say I can say whatever I want.

So, on the back of my last post here goes.

The reason I was so despondent goes as follows:

About 6 weeks or so ago on a Friday night I had a dream a really vivid dream that I know comes from another place and is a very important message.

Back to the dream in a minute - you see for the past like 3 years I have discovered a very special ability (although it is present in everyone) to be able to know things others dont seem to be aware of and communicate with people and spirit guides on the "other side" and I use these abilities to give readings and help people in their everyday life. I have always known that my true calling in this is to do public demonstrations to large groups (it is the way I work best) and that some level of fame and notoriety is to come of this. It propels my every day and all of what I do and always with the basic motivation being to help people and bring the notion that psychic ability is a human ability and not a "special gift" bestowed upon a few. We can and MUST all do this in order to help our every day existence and our human race and souls.

So, the dream. I had a dream that one of my teachers from Sydney took me by the hand and led me into a stadium that was full of people waiting for a show to begin. I was told there was 20 - 50,000 people waiting. He took me in a side door and I knew these people were waiting for a psychic show to begin and when I asked how do you do readings for this many people I got a short sharp "the same way you do it for one person". This teacher, we'll call him Angelo, was on an Australian TV show called The One the search for Australias greatest psychic and came into the final three and did quite well although he was a bit scarred by it and now doesnt mention it. The dream was gobsmackingly real. He had the prescence of an angel it was such a magnificent dream and since studying it up the arena I was in was the exact image of Madison Square Garden - a big deal right?

Anyway, I have no intention of trying to be Australias greatest psychic or be right all the time all I care about is that the individual that sits in front of me walks away feeling better having spent an hour of their time connected to the other side through me as their conduit. I also like it if they walk away with some little idea or technique about how to connect themselves to the other side to help them out and not have to heavily rely on someone like me. It is so not about me but about them and their loved ones. Its kind of like I'm the telephone and for me to make it about me is kinda wrong and strange - does a telephone get self conscious and suffer performance anxiety or overinflated ego issues??

So, the dream stuck with me all day that Saturday. I have been planning for ages to do some public large group shows but I'm pretty much on my own here in Melbourne and its daunting. I did some gigs in Sydney but as just a small part of someone elses show not my own. So I woke that morning going OMG this is what I HAVE to do!!!!!! No fear!! Just do it!!!

So Saturday goes on and we're starting up a business that will allow my husband to work from home and look after the kids (how coincidental or not???) and at about 1am on Sunday morning I see a note on Facebook that I would have missed had I not been on at the ridiculous hour and it was the winner of that particular TV show giving out the email address to apply to the show.

So in a nutshell I applied and then promptly forgot about it.

Fast forward two weeks and I got a call.....

It was the show who liked what I'd written and I had to undergo psychic quizzes and photos and application forms etc etc and they said they'd skype me on the Monday and I was freaking!!! The stars had aligned, the dates were perfect (my dead grandmas birthday, the anniversary of my grandpas death etc etc. I sent off my application form and sat at home and waited for my call and.............

NOTHING!!!

I was crushed like a bug worse than how I've been this week sooooooooooo bad. It meant I bombed on the application and what I thought was real information from the other side in my quizzes was all shite and the other side had let me down and just WHHHAHAHAHAHHTTTTTT!!!!

But I did get over it and I did survive and fast forward two weeks and I approached our school prinicipal to hire their hall so I could do a big live group show and what happens..... my phone rings and
its
the
show.......

and they loved my application and they want me to come in for a screen and test and some live psychic quiz stuff

FARK ME!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly died on the spot dead set!!!!!!!!

I had no time to buy a new outfit but I got a strong message that my first reading the following day was going to cancel and SHE DID!! so I went shopping. I was told which section of the shopping centre to go to and when I go there I had no idea which shop to go to until a maintenance car stopped out the front of a shop and sounded an alarm and I knew "thats the shop"!! and of course I found the perfect outfit in under an hour (the one I am picture in in the last post). I had my hair and make up professionally done ( I just had to give it my best shot - it was like the wedding day I never had it was ALL ABOUT ME!!) and off I went. I wasnt nervous I felt the ENTIRE universe with me. NOTHING had ever felt so right in my life. I felt like an angel channelling the very nectar of the universe. Everything I said was gold everyone I met was beautiful I felt like a freaking princess it was a surreal and out of body unbelievably fantastic experience. My readings were spot on everything was fabulous and they all loved me and we all bonded and had a top day and I would love to end this post on this cliff hanger but I just cant (as much for me as for you).

And then I waited

For two weeks

I waited

and waited

and in my head I kinda knew I didnt get it

but I couldnt ignore all the signs

there were more than I mentioned here

EVERYONE I spoke to "Felt" I had it

I didnt tell many people

I got an email last Friday night saying I didnt make it any further but thank you.

A part of me died right there and then

Unfortunately I had a friend over an I didnt want to kill the Friday mood and talk about it so by the time she left I almost self combusted and melted into a waterfall of tears of disappointment. Honestly, I dont really care if I'm not on a TV show. I felt most disappointed for my husband and family cause this was our way out of this ordinary and quite often very challenging and struggling existence. BIG changes were going to happen in a very short amount of time and we were ready.

I'm exhuasted to go back here I hope you all understand when I end it here until later???

Even as I read back over this I have just rushed ahead to get the basic details down and this post does it all no justice. This was MONUMENTAL in my life. Amazing things do not happen to me!! They just dont. I've always thought that things didnt go so well for me so that I would always strive to find that very thing that I really needed to do as an individual and to an extent I was right. I have found what I needed to do but I swear this was all sooooo fabulous I thought this was what was next. I honestly cant believe it is all over. I have come to a level of acceptance in my everyday life but when I rehash it like this I relive it and I just still cannot believe it was not right.

When I think about it the whole show is based around the amazingness of the abilites and all I droned on about was how its not so amazing but accessible to everyone. That I am an ordinary Joe and if I can do it anyone can. Now I see it was a BIG mistake but I couldnt see it any other way so.... so be it!

At the back of all of this I had the complete and full understanding that if it wasnt meant to be it wouldnt. If it wasnt the best for me and my work then the powers that be wouldnt allow it to happen so in some ways I feel I've dodged a bullet.

But man I'm crushed like a bug and its hard to bounce back.

I have in some ways and I'm back to plodding along theres been some interesting insights into the whole process and what I've just been through and what I've learnt but for now I'm back to doing this the hard way and going back to the prinicpal to the hire the hall.

I'll keep you all posted

Love you all!!

Can losing 30kg make you happy??

So this is how I look today and guess what?? Losing 30kgs does not make you happy! "What!!" I hear you say??!?!? How can you not be happy?? You got what you wished for??? How can you not be happy??? Call me an ungrateful cow but losing 30kg does not make life any better - just different. Different versions of good and bad for different reasons but certainly no better. You'll still just be chugging away running around like a little ant doing the uselessly inane trite we call life. Who would have thought???

Life - grin and bear it. Is that what this is all about?? Just getting by and "pretending" like we're all having fun when really, life is a shitting hard thing to do. Why are we all doing this at all? Are people who take matters into their own hands and end their own lives are they the smart ones? Are they the proactive ones who can see the truth and just cut to the chase and bring the inevitable forward?? How do we know thats not the key to getting by in all of this??? How brave and courageous they are for seeing that this "here" is not the answer and bravely forging ahead into the unknown going against every instinctive impulse in their living breathing bodies and despite millions of years of evolution and life force doing the unthinkable??? Well its not actually unthinkable if I'm here writing this and you're reading it. Its definitely considerable. Is it a conspiracy of life that we should have dependents and people loving us and relying on us so that we couldnt exstinguish our own lives even if it was something we wanted? Is love just a cunning tactic of nature? Of course it is thats why babies are so cute isnt it? So we'd love them and look after them and feed them we're all getting screwed over by love at every step - every breath of our lives. Just as love can save us love can doom us into existence also.

I dont know about you guys but man I'm over being hopeful, optimistic, pleasant, joyful being grateful for another minute, day, month or year of life. Its just second by second here, I'm still here and it still sucks. Being scammed into the belief that like attracts like and if you're positive and optimistic you'll attract wonderful things. Sorry guys just another conspiracy. You see, while you're being optimistic and happy you wont notice or dare to examine the reality - that really, this is plain old shite and if good things happen beware! Something bad has to happen in return cause thats another old gem we've been spoon fed also isnt it? You cant just ignore that one now Miss Smiley. Remember - you cant have the good without the bad one doesnt exist without the other so hang on for the ride cause your roller coasters about to go on the down swing!

So whats happened to bring on this tirade of life hatin?? I could go into detail but it will never be as bad as some other peoples situation - someone is always worse off and I will be considered ungrateful and really its not much just the same old cold gruel that life seems to like dishing up (well no wonder I hear you say - look how negative you are?) Ah but you see, I am the devils advocate. I give readings from "the other side" I'm a psychic and a medium and a "light worker" I give spiritual advice and dwell in the light and help people through this cold existence giving them hope where there is none. I reconnect them to their loved ones that have passed over give them those words and moments that couldnt happen when you're on opposite sides of the veil. I'm the "conduit" I get to know what the other side is like and still get to stay here - how lucky am I!!!!! I do their dirty work and THEN i get screwed over - thats my payment you see. I get to somehow raise the enlightenment level of my soul by knowing what I'm missing out on and yet still hanging about here and helping others to cope. And i have to do it all with a smile and a twinkle in my eye and tell the biggest lie of all - that everything will be alright. Well, says the other side - of course it will be alright its not a lie - just DEFINE alright?? Is alright that you'll keep on breathing?? Or that you'll die?? Or that a loved one will be put out of their misery and they'll die?? Is death bad or a relief?? Is that the worst thing that life can come up with - death?? Have we all be scammed into believing that the one thing that we should all fear and avoid at all costs is actually the best thing for us?? Like a pretty bird in a cage hand raised to fear the wild and life outside the safety of its prison when really it could fly free and live a life beyond its wildest expectations.

Am I just tempting fate and asking for trouble here? Am I conjuring up serious harm and distress? Nothing else I seem to dwell in comes to fruition so why would the horrors?? I can help others I just cant help myself and who helps the helpers???

So, for better or worse its school holidays here. Good, because I cant do readings for people with the kids around so I get a couple of weeks off faking it and bad because even if I wanted to do something to help myself I couldnt. And theres a very distinct possibility that its the school holidays that brings on these maudlin musings and maybe its doing the readings for people and having one toe in the light for the most part of most days that keeps me away from day dreaming about not being here anymore. And through all of this I worry that maybe I shouldnt post this that people will go into freak mode and think I'm going to end it all or worse still, pass on the cold comfort of meaningless platitudes but really, neither of those things are true or will help in any way and if I'm still here after 38 years of this shite then why would I go now? Unfortunately you guys just get the shit here. I'll go off now and be Miss Light and Love and no one will be none the wiser only you guys will know whats going on behind my smile and thats ok cause I'll never meet any of you and none of you affect my everyday life except that it helps to have my little invisible ears out there all over the world and know that someone is listening and for that I thank you all. Thank you so much from the bottom of my cold, black heart and I do only wish the best for you all and hope that life isnt this "real" for any of you.

So guys just in case I'm not the only one who thought losing weight would fix everything just let me tell you once and for all - it doesnt fix everything. Life is still life and you still have to work VERY VERY VERY hard at keeping it all together no matter what size your clothes are.