So, coming down off that last little cloud now and back to what this blog is all about - weight! I munched and drank and sat my way through Christmas and New Years we had people here from Sydney and we live in Melbourne which is pretty much all about the food and wine and because Christmas is such a non event in my family (not my immediate family with the kids and all) but the wider family - theres no kids nothing special going on - well lets just say my knee jerk reaction is to try and MAKE something out of Christmas by cooking and eating and shopping and keeping myself busily away from the uncomfortable feelings of rejection and lonliness that tend to rear their ugly heads in the form of
Special
Occasion
Depression.
I havent had SOD for a few years now it all started though when I started having babies 11 years ago and around the same time my grandmother started to get too old to put on our family traditional christmas. The torch probably should have been handed to my mother but she is just shite at entertaining shes a recluse and has not much of a clue shes also a shit guest as she would come to my lovingly prepared Christmas day, eat before it was served and fark off back home cause she was tired (undiagnosed untreated depression will do that to you). I know this all sounds so freaking dysfunctional and poor me but its important to know how I royally messed up this Christmas (no blaming anyone full responsibility on my part here).
So I learnt to deal with the SOD although for years it would bring me to my knees and I would keep it going for the kids and all but man once my grandmother died and all special occasion celebrations went out the window I really packed it in on those days. We would try to make something out of the special days but honestly we have a pretty shite extended family for those things they either wouldnt turn up or have other things on or whatever. Have I told you all this before?? Anyway, I knew it was my lesson to learn and it was part of the grieving process and saying good bye to my grandmother and my life long psychological and emotional issue has always been rejection and man would I set myself up for it on "special" occasions.
So, part of the whole ooger booger discovery process was dealing with all of these issues and I really did reach a very manageable level of healing and I wouldnt feel quite so bad and actually completely forgot about the SOD. We just accepted the fact it was me and the husband and the kids and made the most of it and I do believe the Universe and my ooger boogers sent me really lovely things on those days to help take my mind off it and I do believe the universe helps those who help themselves etc etc and so what does this have to do with the me of today?? (apart from everything) As you know 18 months ago we moved 1000kms away to Melbourne (and to no one) last christmas my husbands family came and stayed with us and it was a really fun holiday and time together so the reality didnt hit however this year, no one. Really, ABSOLUTELY no one. My BF here suggested we all share christmas together and then promptly forgot about it and made plans with her inlaws (see I still set myself up for rejection in my friends choices). And so I felt the SOD a stirrin!
Anyway about a week before Xmas my mother in law decides to come. I love her I really do but she suffers from major depression and victimisation syndrome and really, we shouldnt be together at a time like this alone with no other family or friends as a buffer zone. Lets just say it didnt go well (we didnt fight or anything but I had no energy to engage in her depressive poor me games - funny what we dont like in others isnt it??) it was rainy we couldnt do much the kids just want to play with their new stuff and so, she went home 3 days early on boxing day.
And me? Well, I really did handle it all well I swear I soldiered on faked it til I made it etc etc but I was truly shocked to find that SOD was back. It simmered underneath it all I didnt tell anyone about it I didnt cry on the lounge for hours like I used to but man it was BACK! I certainly didnt expect family to come flying in from all over the place in fact it was a relief they didnt but I guess I just didnt know how to do a special occasion with NO ONE. (I'm not ruling out my kids and husband here they just couldnt care less if there was sandwiches and we went to the park but thats not a special occasion to me - after all its all about the food, the decoration, the music, the drink the fun and honestly, dare I say, thats not my husband or kids. I have fun with the kids playing their games and stuff but its not a crowd, its not people, its not chatting etc etc etc its our everyday life. It was raining here we couldnt go to the beach the park or anywhere EVERYTHING is shut on christmas day. So what to do???
Funny thing is, in the lead up to christmas day I went a bit stupid and bought every type of food imagineable just to have in the house in case we felt like it. I didnt plan anything in particular I thought I'd just play it by ear but man did I build myself a fort made out of food!!?!? And on the day I made a full roast with all the trimmings I made enough food for 50 people and we had 3 depressed adults and 3 distracted kids. Funny thing was I didnt feel too bad, the food was exactly like my grandmothers even though I make my differently it all turned out perfectly and I felt like I was in some sort of trance making everything just the way she would have. I honestly didnt mean it, it just happened. Alot of funny things happened that day and I swear she was with me but anyway after all of this the point of the story is...... I ATE!!
OH MAN I ATE!!!
A few days later friends came to stay for a week and man
I ATE MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND DRANK AND DRANK AND SAT AND DID NOTHING FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT!!!
I soothed myself with smoothies, I eased the anguish with pavlova and trifle I whined over wine you name it I did it. And all throughout I didnt gain any weight and I swear on the last day the friends were here I felt my arse and gut start to magically grow right before my eyes I could hear the balloon squeaking sound when something expands. And now its taken me a week to talk about it but I saw 81kg. Its slowly starting to slip away again but for a few days there I thought something was wrong I was inexplicably growing and I couldnt stop it - it was scary and I all those feelings I havent had for so long started creeping back just like the SOD I honestly felt over 100kg again I was so self conscious...
anyway, kids are up now and I really have to move back into mother mode so just quickly. Its school holidays and I'm like a caged tiger its raining I'm drinking too much snacking too much too frustrated at just about everything and I need to centre myself again and get back on the "Shaggs matters wagon" and I thought blogging about it might help. I need to be honest about all of this and not slip back into everything will be alright mode and gain 30 kg back again. I'll write more about this later this is really a very simplified version but just let it be known, I have to go on a "Diet" cut back or whatever and it aint easy on school holidays stuck at home and now i finally see the band doesnt fix everything - it helps but it doesnt do it on its own.
