Thursday, April 23, 2009

Restriction - the love that dare not speak its name

OK so I really wish I wasnt writing this post but here goes. I have been pretty non plussed and numb to this whole situation but its starting to creep in now and I'm getting concerned. I went for my 2nd fill in Tuesday, all went well doctor very pleasant etc etc.

I guess I just dont feel like blogging right now and right now is when I should really. Just wanted to say (and make it real) that I have gained about 2 kilos over the past week and yes it is shitting me today and I am really not very happy about it. I want to have faith in this system and believe that the week will bring me restriction and that loss will come my way and I'm sure if I looked back over last month this exact same thing happened then. But really, the loss has slowed right down (and is it any wonder with the way I've been eating!). The doctor wont let me get filled any sooner than a month away and this past month gave me one step forward for a week and then 3 steps back and 2 kilos over. I cant do this for another month. He assures me this fill will be easier than last fill and the restriction will last longer but I'm very sceptical. The last couple of days since the fill has been completely quiet no restriction - no pain - nothing. Like I dont have a band. Less than the day before I was filled even!!!??? God I'm hoping that my next post will be me ranting about how wrong I was and how restricted I am!

I have eaten a chiko roll, a meat pie, chips and alcohol up the kazoo, sandwiches, burgers you name it and I barely feel it go down let alone get stuck at all. Can you all hear me complaining about gaining weight after a week of eating shit like that? I feel shitty at myself but then I think - hey, I've done the hard yards! I went through the hideous pain after surgery, the opti, the sad nursing home liquids, all that money!, discomfort, immobility, gas pain, port pain, jeans pain, bend over pain etc etc this freaking thing should not ALLOW ME to even contemplate those foods! I know the love of restriction and that love would not hurt you by letting you eat a chiko roll and follow up with calamari and chips. Restriction wont let you hate yourself. I love who I am when I am restricted - I dont even CONSIDER the food. I want it back! I want to be restricted.  I want to feel that hideous despondency when you cant eat what you want or how much you want. I want to feel that hopelessness, that emptiness when food cannot be used to spakfill a giant, gaping emotional hole. I want to wander around the house lost and forlorn not glued to the kitchen planning, buying, cooking and concocting the most fabulous foods. I want to miss grazing. I want to hurt like my hearts going to break in two and not glue it back together with ANOTHER chocolate easter egg. I want to feel the pain! I dont want to be gorged and numb and unable to feel.

I so didnt want to write this post I wanted to write and make you all laugh with my "boob in the drawer" antics but I just had to let this out. And I'm going to post my weight for this week. You will all freak. But I just cant update my ticker. I'm not that strong. There will have to be a missing week. I'm going to see how long this calm before the storm (or lack thereof) lasts and if I still have no relief by next Tuesday (one week after fill) I'm ringing to complain. I cant hack this slipping back into "I hate myself" mode.

Well, I havent eaten for two hours now so it must be time for a lil somethin' somethin'. Gotta keep this pain at bay somehow!


  1. Awww Shaggs, I can sense your dejection in your post.. Dont feel down.. Shit happens.. Now answer me this?? Are the scales that told you that you have gained 2kg, the same as the ones you used last time? have you been exercising enough to turn your fat into muscle?? Muscle is heavier than fat.. Oh and a final.. of course you arent getting restriction, eating shit like chicko rolls and pies... they will just slide right on through the gazoo.. Be strong and do what I have been doing over the last 2 days.. Choose a certain food that you usually cant resist, and bloody resist it.. resist it every time it enters your thoughts... I'm not going to tell you, its ok.. although I want to.. But I'm gonna giv you some tough love , and hopefully you will see it as support, and sugest you throw out all the easter choccies and no good foods in the house, and get back on track.. you went through far too much to not have this work for you..
    It is a pitty however, that these bands dont come with a band for your head as well, coz that is usually what is the cause for needing a friggen band in the first place..Big hugs, and keep busy.. maybe try to stop snacking in between meals.. hold out, hold out, till your next main meal..
    xx Nene

  2. Shaggs - will you just slow down and listen for a cotton-picking second while I shout across the water with my hands cupped to my mouth:


    Your long struggle during adulthood with the cycle of food > temptation > overweight > dieting misery > dieting elation > one slip > another slip > fuck it temptation > etc etc.... do you think it's over in two months? Why on earth would you be different to the rest of us? This is how we got here in the first place, remember? It takes time to overcome bad eating habits, and the ONLY way is a little at a time. Maybe next week you'll be able to have the roll and the chips but not the meat pie, etc.

    From what you say it's clear you haven't got enough in your band to have much effect at all (after the first couple of days that is). Don't get despondent from reading other blogs, some people take ages for it to work. I'm on my fourth fill (banding Dec 08) and I'm finally feeling the hideous restriction to which you refer, with far too much time spent in the loo but... only in the mornings. In the evenings I'm making up for lost time, because I'm still not "listening". I don't have that "satified feeling" - just the pain. So my weight is still creeping down at only a kg a month. That's the way it'll stay until I learn better eating habits.

    Forgive yourself for heaven's sake, forget the guilt. Try to keep level till your next fill, or the one after that. Now you've got the band you don't need to glare angrily at yourself the mirror, or jump on the scales every day. You just need to be patient. It WILL work.

    And the way you keep us laughing and interested, we'll all be here to support you and kick you back up again when you're down!


  3. Shaggs...
    Okay, I gotta speak to you. First of all...listen to the advice of the 2 previous commenters. And, secondly--stop feeling so down on yourself. Of course, you are upset. You should be! You did not get this band to go on a diet! You got this band to help you eat no so much! And, so far, you are not feeling helped! The band has to work for you. And, I promise you--it will. But, sadly, there are foods that will go right through it no matter how much you are restricted. Believe me, I know. I am uber restricted and eating chocolate eggs with no problem! And, of course, all those fun cocktails go right through....LOL!!! And, those are all calories. I'm 18 months into it and have definitely lost a good deal of weight. But, it's taken me THIS LONG....!
    So, work on the head hunger thing if you can but also keep remembering that this band will work....with the right restriction. So, don't blame yourself too much. Go to your appointments, fight for fills and make sure you keep your spirits up by blogging (and reading comments and other blogs!).
    Life is tough.....!

  4. Ditto to all the above. It took me 4 fills to feel restriction that I had read about. I thought..Oh, that's the pain they were talking about....or, that's the PBing they were talking about!! I am a bit the same as Carolinie, in that....I have good restriction in the mornings but then I loosen up as the day goes on. So, now I think I want another half a ml so I don't loosen up!!!!!!! I am basically lazy....I DON'T WANT to think about what goes in my mouth....I just want the band to tell me NO !!
    Just try and stick with it....well, actually you have no farking choice!! lol......and in the words of that famous commercial....."It won't happen overnight, but it will happen!"


Weight Loss From 27th January 2009