The Spoilt Full Pig

Sorry about the lack of updates but everytime I write something it gets deleted or lost or whatever and I get the poops and dont want to put the time in all over again. I have also been doing more foruming, messaging and live chatting so blogging has taken a back seat.

Do you guys all feel guilty when you're full? I associate full with being a pig and I have to write down everything I've eaten and convince myself it's not much and I haven't been a pig! The other weird one is the physical "I havent lost weight anymore" like you've just put back on the entire 8 or 10kg in one day! You feel exactly the same as you did before! You can swear when you look in the mirror you still look over 100kg its almost funny.

I've been suffering this week with husband away. I'm bored and lonely and I want to eat. I love being alone usually cause its not very often it happens but usually my neice comes over or my sister or a friend and we drink way too much wine and have nibblies or chips or whatever and generally it is a really great time for me after looking after the kids on my own and busting a gut to keep it all together. So I was hurtin and I even ate a chocolate biscuit (one I dont even like) and spat it out instead of swallowing it and it didnt help. I could have easily had more liquids but I was in one of those spoilt bitch moods where if I cant have what I want I dont want anything. I wish I liked icecream or sweet food for that matter. I love carbs, crunchy naughty carbs. I would have chewed and spat a piece of toast but I really couldnt trust myself (Yay shaggs for recognising that!) and I would FREAK if I swallowed and I was alone and what if I died......ohmigod! So its been a hard week...

So, confession time. As you can see, I was going nuts on fluids so I have very carefully begun to have mushies instead. I kinda think, when I make a soup I blend all of the food together and add water and now all I'm doing is not blending the food together but seperately and I add a little water in my mouth if the food feels too dry. Now before you freak - I am treading EXTREMELY carefully. I havent had dry meats, I blend them with water first, no bread so far, no potatoes nothing crunchy, I have been REALLY careful and not eaten til I felt full (its too late by then). I've felt more pain and discomfort on fluids. I dont lay down after I eat. I havent had one PB or heave or anything. I dont feel pain when I eat but I can feel the pressure when it goes through the band. I havent gained any weight. My biggest concern is that god awful stitch type pain in my side and when i burp if I dont hold on properly the pain goes from my left hip up through my chest and down my left shoulder. Thats awful! And that happens on fluids or on nothing at all so it doesnt have anything to do with food (I dont think). I'm still doing fluids for breakfast and I still love opti but if I never see another soup again I'll be a very happy bander! I eat not quite 1/2 cup at a time. Last night I had the compulsion to eat even though i wasnt hungry but that was bad time and food management throughout the day and also probably not eating enough until I'm full cause I'm scared of the pain with a little Friday night depression.

This all started on wednesday night (in such a funk I was ready to eat mc donalds) but my first full day was yesterday. And I LOVE it! What a difference it makes! I'm actually enjoying food again but psychologically its really hard. I'm terrified of liking the food "too" much and eating too fast and too much. I also feel like I'm a big fat heiffer until I write down what i've eaten and realise its not even one meal in my old days and its a whole days worth of food now. I weighed myself today and I am exactly the same so thats more validation for me. I'm also eating better i think - less fat thats for sure! You see, I actually HATE soup. I have NEVER eaten soup excpet for maybe a laksa so I was pretty much drinking extended sauces based primarily on cream and milk. When I did the canned soup I added milk not water and really, all this milk and cream was grossing me out. Even the word minestrone makes me want to heave. I think meaty vegie soups are like nursing home food and make me feel sad and smell like someone has pooed their pants. Now I'm having some lean meat (chicken) blended with some water and some blended peas or brussels sprouts. I had some boiled egg and cheese and ham for lunch yesterday and i love it all and its less fat and points than on liquids. I really have to go with my instincts on this. All I can say, is life has improved dramatically!

Psychologically, Friday nights are hard still, I still have a whisper of the binge compulsion. I would love to stuff my face but I know for a fact the feeling of being fat and useless is far worse than my pining for a binge. I will NEVER tell my doctor what I've done and I will act like I'm holier than though for now.

What also helps is the husband came home on Thusday night and was beside himself when he saw me! He made me feel like a teenager again. He couldnt stop looking at me! It was awesome! and reminded me of how good this can all feel! I LOVE IT! Jeans were too big so went the next size down (18) and they fit with room to move - I think they're on their way out! Stupid little excited puppy I am but I cant help it.

So I told my parents. I ended up going in to see them last Friday after the op and telling them. I hadnt seen them all week and they hadnt been in. Mum was shocked at how much weight I had lost and she knew I had been doing Opti so I told her I actually had an op. I explained it all really quickly before she could pass out (which she looked like she wanted to do) and she was actually quite fascinated and shocked that all of this had gone on right next door and they didnt know!!!! She called my dad and asked did you know Shaggs was in hospital on Tuesday night? Of course he didnt and he wouldnt believe I had had an op unitl I showed him the wounds!! He was in total disbelief. And then a bit angry and hurt cause if something had of happened he would not have had the chance to say goodbye. I told him I made sure I hugged them both and said I loved them before op and that we do that all the time anyway and anyone of us could die tomorrow it doesnt have to be an op etc etc. And he came round and now he thinks I'm so brave and strong for doing it (total opposite to what I think people will think about it being easy way out etc) Neither of them thought I was stupid or ridiculous for doing it and they're so excited for me and we talk about all the lovely clothes I will be wearing and the health etc. So they were total opposites. I thought mum would freak and dad would be cool but it was completely other way round although mum did admit that if she had known before she would have flipped and I did do the right thing by not telling her.

And thats about it for now, would like to have a really good go at some of the psychological issues here, maybe later.