Pic Update

Just posted is the first pic taken just over a week ago. I'll take one again tomorrow morning when I'm all gussied up, you see I just had dinner and the fat pig syndrome is sinking in (the guilty feeling cause you're stuffed thing despite only eating 1/2 cup food). Alot of the bloating and swelling is gone now and the jeans from the first pic are too big to wear! I've taken all my patches, stitches etc off I'll take a pic of them too - one is like a large dimple or crease in my stomach?!. There is still a fair bit of gas pain especially when my stomach is full (whether liquids or mushies) but I'm going to try and see the chiro for an adjustment and see if that helps tomorrow (feels like its in my ribs).

The restriction is awesome! It is going to take some serious training to get my brain to catch up though. It feels wrong having the "wrong" foods (a little bit of cake or chocolate) even though its a tiny nibble or mouthful. I take a little bite and I immediately start freaking and thinking ohmigod here I go, its not working, I'm bingeing again, I'm going to eat this whole cake/chocolate whatever it is - the band isnt going to stop me and the guilt - oh my god! I feel like I've thrown away thousands of hard earned dollars and wasted everyone's time and the pain and I'm going to stay over 100kg all my life and nothing will EVER work!!!!! Oh the self bashing! But you know what? I stop at the bite, thats enough I dont want anymore and/or its really easy to stop and walk away without any emotional suffering or I'm full or satisfied and really couldn't have more if I wanted. I get on the scales (which I've vowed to do only on Tuesday mornings from here on in) and I brace myself to see them go over 100 and they sit and stare at me on 94.0kg, and my first impulse is to think they must be wrong so I weigh myself again and again and again 94 94 94 94 94 not 102 but 94. So then I start thinking, well, they'll catch up on me next week! I have to sit and write everything I've eaten in a day to convince myself its all ok. One of these days I'm going to write down what I used to eat and stick it on the fridge, I do not even eat one of my old meals in a whole day now and yet I'm convinced that little piece of apple and raspberry cake will be enough to maintain my weight at 102kg. Mental or what? I really didnt think I was a mental case when it comes to logical thinking but man, this has brought out the worst in me! Its a very quiet voice filling my head with this shit but its a never ending narrative that is going to be really hard to get rid of. All these years I've been thinking its other people's negative comments and verbal abuse that has done me in and the worst of them all is mine!!!! MY voice is the one I cant shut up or convince that I have this under control now! That there's no need to worry, that tiny little bits of ANYTHING are OK. Its the binge attitude and the constant grazing that'll get me. And they are the two things I am absolutely NOT doing! I'm waiting for someone to say "should you be eating that" and I'll let rip - the ridiculous thing is its me I should be screaming at.

So part of me, a large part, is marvelling at the restriction and the freedom from the need to fill up and satisfy with food. Its awesome! And another part of me is still 102 kilos and still in gorge mode and wondering what the f$%^ is going on???!!?