Love in the times of good and evil

You all know it kills me to write a "Happy Go Lucky" post and how un-entertaining they are so please switch over now cause here comes some love.

Kicking back with a pineapple cruiser, watching the sun set, fresh from a swim at the beach (yes its mid April and Autum here in sunny Sydney), showered, "seen to" (Shaggs by name Shaggsalot by nature), hair straightened and all is right in my world. Feeling tip top! And why is this so extraordinary to me? Well, its that time of the month here in Shaggsville (ie: ovulation - the actual time of the month is a complete anti climax compared to the roller coaster ride that is ovualtion) and it accounts for sooooo much here in my world.

First - weight gain. Yes I've gained a few hundred grams which in real terms means I've lost 1.5kg but that wont show til next week and thats ok too cause:

Second - next week is International Surgeons Visit here in Shaggsville. I should register a loss with Pretty Surgeon of the Year which slightly eases the discomfort of discussing obesity and lifting my top (not in a drunk pole dancing kind of way) for a man I should be having a drink with not being injected (not hot beef) by.

Third - my not so pretty moods. Enough said.

Fourth - my ability to eat a chiko roll and give "I'm going to stab you if you eat another calamari ring" look to my children as they go for my last calamari ring. Still not eating like I used to but still not eating like a bander.

So everything here is incredibly sparkly and pretty (could be the Cruisers (not Tomkat)). Husband has landed a job for an obscene amount of money (why is my life always great when everyone elses is always shite? Only we could land a massive career opportunity in the middle of a financial crisis and be broke during a market bloat) More on that later.

So I'm going to drink in the love (AKA alcohol) and enjoy this lovely time. Once again, very sorry for the lack of entertaining whinge fest but I'll be back more bitter than ever tomorrow and I think its time to tell you all about my boobs and the time I got my nipple stuck in a drawer. Fun times.

My Friend, My Enemy, My Restriction

That elusive experience called restriction has entered my life and I am loving it! I woke up on Friday morning just knowing that something was different. I was rushing about and didnt have breakfast - now that is just a travesty of the worst kind in my life and I eat for a week to make up for the lost meal - but I forgot all about it. Had lunch at 2pm and then no dinner - thats TWO weeks catching up and a nervous breakdown - I will be anorexic in a week at this rate!! Had a few little cracker nibblies on Friday night and that was it - ALL DAY! How pure and gaunt do I feel? Actually, strange thing is, I dont feel empty, or weak or starving or "holier than though". I feel just normal. I like this normality.

So Saturday was a similar day - but with too much alcohol - nice combination - hardly any food and too much alcohol - FUN! Cue roaring dry horrors on Sunday and whats the best thing for the morning after - Mc Donalds. I attempted a sausage mc muffin and I knew after about 1/2 a bite where it was headed but I soldiered on. Only had not even half but, stupid stupid stupid girl, I had a swig of juice (very bad dry horrors) and man that muffin was stuck like a 14 year old in Supre. It hurt, it ached I sweat, I thumped my chest, I put my arms up in the air (thanks Nene) I had to walk around like when I was in labour I could feel a chuck coming on I bent over and that puppy dislodged and I was all over. The adrenaline rush of relief when that pain went was almost worth it in a sick "mummy cant get a buzz anymore" kinda way. But that was it for me. I had that tight achey pain in my chest all day and it scared me into submission.

I found over the weekend that I am envious of people swigging away on drinks while they eat. I have a new found obsession - drinking while you eat. I no longer crave massive big chewy, crunchy mouthfuls of bread and carbs - now I crave a fizzy cold rush of diet coke to wash a half chewed mouthful down. Oh to drink while I eat! I find myself choosing liquids over solids and not eating so I can drink. Half of me thinks thats just shit but I've always been a very thirsty person and have always drunk alot. I always stole my mothers drinks when I finished my own as a kid. Back in the 70's when you could smoke in McDonalds I had a swig of my mothers drink and yes, I drank ash and ciggie butts. McDonalds cups make great ashtrays. Yum! It seems now that if I eat and wait for half an hour after to drink there just isnt enough time in the day for me to drink enough. I have to ration the eating to allow the drinking. Where will this end?

All the while throughout my little, very minor but very memorable episode, I was thinking of all my bandster gals out there. Poor Nola who had this out in public with a Llama sniffing around, Nene out in a restaurant, the confusion of not knowing which "quiet corner" out in public is going to be the best place to let your innards out. I couldnt imagine the horror! I was at home and only had to hide the extremness of the situation from my husband who is A. Prone to lecturing and B. A bit of a worry wart. I just acted like I was going to the kitchen and had my seizure around the corner near the loungeroom (wooden floors, wipe clean society, dont care where the spew ends up). I didnt know whether to laugh or cry thinking about all you trippers out there who have paved the way before me - the words I would use in my blog to describe my episode - what I would say to my surgeon when my band slipped and I aspirated a McDonalds hash brown. Oh the things that go through your mind in a crisis! Its like a car crash, feels like an hour and everything's in slow motion. Its actually 30 seconds and your writhing around like an excavated worm on a hot day.

I do feel like part of the club now. Trust me to find the belonging in all the foulness. My PB experience was so lame but this was the real mc coy. I got stuck!!! And it hurt!! Why should I be happy about that? I guess it does keep you honest.

So I'm loving the restriction but it is a double edged sword. I cant be a slack arse anymore. I have to be careful with the rules - I now know the consequences. I am worried this will wear off that sometime the insatiable hunger will come back and then where will I be? I want to kiss the surgeon (no tongues) I so viciously bagged out last week for granting me the grace of restriction. I have seen the light and I am transformed. Until the next cherry ripe.

Ovulating and Oyster Sandwiches

Life is driving me f%^&ing mad! I'm so cranky and agro, EVERYTHING is just shitting me so hard core. I dont know if it my hormonal situation at the moment or the fact that I feel totally out of control with my eating and its getting me down. I have even tried to clean the house to get some feel good going on but to no avail.

Here's what I ate today: I need some advice on whether this is standard or ridiculous - I think its alot. Also - I am hoping by purging this day's worth of food in the blog I may be able to have a better one tomorrow.

Breakfast:
One mashed fried egg with a piece of shaved ham and some low fat grated tasty (a kind of basic omelette no oil for frying) fits a side plate (about 1 cup of food) I'd say a perfect breakfast
Low fat cappuccino

Lunch:
Starving by 12.3o so:
TWO WRAPS!! some chicken breast and beetroot and garlic sauce on a tortilla style flat bread (small size Old ElPaso) wrap but really? TWO?

Afternoon Tea:
Half an oyster sandwich (favourite food in the entire world)
Was that really necessary after that lunch?

Afternoon Tea II:
Some premium crackers and danish feta
Speechless

Dinner:
2-3 small size pieces of pizza
Dont feel like being in the kitchen after all that eating and this is the takeaway I never got after the fill

I think thats alot - dont you? I have my stomach banded and have had one fill and I can still eat all that!!! And I could keep going!???!?!? And I have CONTROLLED MYSELF!!!!!!!

If I am completely honest (once again - very hard for me to take my head out of the sand in order to do this) I have felt full and stopped eating accordingly instead of eating and having to stop myself before I felt full and then suffer the pain. And I do feel the food going down now - it can be a tight squeeze. But really, thats a lot of food. I may be having small meals but is having 6 of those meals still acceptable?

I really dont feel guilty either, its just like its out of my control so go hard. Or is that just a lame excuse (I'm good at those too). I think I'm at the tail end of the monthly eating binge (its ovulation time and my body thinks it needs to double its calorie intake to produce eggs - funny thing is I dont want to have sex when I've binged to the point of pain and discomfort so the eggs are pointless and they wouldnt fertilise anyway) that insatiable feeling IS coming and going. I dont think its here to stay (bloody better not) but it is horrible being a slave to it and its the reason why I got banded in the first place. Apparently third fill is the charm. I might also check out some herbal remedy or something for the extreme hormone experience.

Or maybe I should just have a drink - fixes everything else.....

First Fill and Damien - The Devil's Spawn

Well what a shitter of a day! First things first I ate like a horse over the weekend so I was not looking forward to weighing in with the dietician this morning. Second, no baby sitter for the four year old (we call him Damien and we're waiting for the 666 sign of the devil to show up on his body somewhere in the near future) Damien was already whingeing about going to the doctors with me (although he refuses to go anywhere without me). He knows how long we have to wait in that hellhole. And last, but not least, my first fill anxiety (kinda fear of the unknown kinda scared of the doctor - I'll explain that later) did I mention how much I have eaten in the past week in the name of ovulation and nervous anxiety at having to weigh in? Why do I eat like a horse before I have to weigh in? For the week after, I eat like Ghandi but no, the week before I shove in as much food as possible because I am a dog that shits in doorways. What does that mean I hear you ask? Well, the dog is allowed in the house and all is going well and just to f$%^ things up, the dog shits in the very doorway you just let him in and then whammo - out he goes - wasted the best opportunity of his life!

This kinda nervous eating started way back in my weight watchers days. I would be Ghandi up until Friday (the day before weigh in) and then I'd go beserk. So I'd change weigh in days but that just meant I changed gorge days also. I would sometimes try and counteract the gorge effect by having a chinese tea by the name of Ballerina Tea (named for its use by the slender dancers and also because if you can stand on your toes in wooden shoes then this foul tasting tea is akin to a creamy hot chocolate) Ballerina Tea would - dead set - liquify concrete. By the time I'd weigh in the next morning I would have lost all the gorged food and parts of my pancreas as well as 75% of my body's water so I would drag myself throbbing dehydrated head and all - onto the scales and be the same as the week before. ANYTHING is better than a gain I say. So yesterday afternoon (too afraid to drink Ballerina Tea in case part of my band comes out with it) I gave myself a dose of Benefibre. Didnt work unless you count the three pebbles I passed before I left this morning. I was hoping for an explosive drainage type experience but alas, it was time for complete weigh in honesty - once again - oh how I've grown up!

And once again the scale gods were with me - the scales only registered a gain of 400grams and no i didnt cry. I was relatively happy with that. Thats about the weight of the chips I ate yesterday. The dietician - god love the skinny bitch (you must have a BMI of 11 to work in my obesity clinic) was very pleased with that as it is a sign of needing a fill (I would have said a lobotomy but who's splitting hairs). Of course I had minimal breakfast (seems I can control myself the morning OF weigh in) so by this time I was getting violent with hypoglycemia. Cue waiting with Damien for over an hour to see the doctor and things started to go down hill rapidly.

Damien was whinging (goes without saying). The skinny bitches at the front desk think they're doing you a favour by booking your dietician on the same day as your surgeons visit (never mind the 3 hour wait in between) although you dont actually know what time your doctors visit is so just sit and wait. AND they let people through according to their appointment time so people breeze in and out, late and all and me and Damien are just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting so I think its time to call in the big guns and I take Damien to the chip machine (conveniently located next to the operating theatre where they do the lap bands - noice). Damien's squealing for a milky bar and of course - my wallet - always full to the brim with change is dry as a bone so we take a trip to the kiosk which - for a really expensive private hospital - is a dirty little hole in the wall with no eftpos and nothing for $1.25 in five cent pieces. I have a moment of inspiration and realise there's change in the car and just as Damien's head is about to do a 360 and spit green slime I get the required Milky Bar and the beast is tamed. By now the waiting room is FULL of people who arrived after us and I walk in with a four year old eating an adult sized chocolate bar - once again - noice. I didnt know whether everyone wanted to tear shreds off me for feeding my child the exact thing that got me in this trouble in the first place or whether they actually wanted to crash tackle Damien for his Milky Bar. Either way, I feared for our lives.

Before you know it (1 hour and 15 minutes) we were in and I was getting jabbed from across the room by Dr Speedy Gonzalez and I was out and bleeding at the front desk. Hurt a tiny bit (emotionally I mean) but there is always something uncomfortable about being treated by a doctor who is about the same age and looks ratio as your good self - really feels like you should be having a drink at a bar not exposing your most stretch marked gut for pricking. Much more comfortable with crusty old doctors. Always seem to have good looking doctors at the most inappropriate times. After 36 hours labour with the first babe the nurses started to twitter that Prince Vince was on his way. "Prince Vince" I ask. Yes, the object of their desire was about to arrive and check out my parts that had been labouring for 36 hours. Had showered in that time but not with soap and metho (my husband recommends kero and a blow torch). So there's Prince Vince (ob and gyno) up my leaking jutsy with all the nurses reapplying lip gloss while I lay there, in all my 110kilo glory sobbing for a cesearean. And yes, Prince Vince had earnt his name! Fast forward ten years and there I am in Speedy Gonzalez's offices discussing morbid obesity with a man you'd only kick out of bed to do on the floor. Noice. (Just in case you read this hubby, I wouldnt actually do him but most would).

Did I mention in all this time that I promised Damien McDonalds on the way home? Good mum aren't I! I was also hanging for a chocolate thick shake (bit scared to do solids although could have hammered a Big Mac). I manage to wrestle Damien to the nearest McDonalds and can you believe - it was shut! Lunch time on a Monday and Mc Donalds was shut!!!!!!!! Have you ever in your life seen a shut McDonalds????????? McDonalds had a black out and had to shut. Thats the kind of day I had. If you cant have McDonalds on the way home from your first fill then when can you?

Damien and I made it home starving and screaming at 3.15pm (and that was for a 12pm appointment). I tried to have a cup a soup but I started to have a post op post traumatic stress situation so I gave it up and had Aldi Danish Feta (fabulously silky and yum) and a bread stick (went down well). Yes I'll take it easy but the lovely husband, so considerate he is, has said that tonight - its my pick - can you believe it! I get to pick whatever I want!! Pity I'm supposed to be on liquids. Oh well...

Higher Power for a Food Junkie

I'm bored again. There's numerous things I could be doing but none of them really feel like a Friday afternoon thing to do. I'm at a standstill with the latest project (making an office and "ooger booger" room for readings) and I dont really feel like getting too actively involved in anything cause after all, it is Friday and I really should be kicking back with a drink and welcoming in the weekend. A slave to the stereotype I know. But I dont really feel like drinking (!#$%^& shock freakin horror!) I mean, why? Whats the point? I'll probably end up having one but really, why? Oh I know why, I got pleasantly tipsy last night! Anyway, I'm bored so I've been reading my blog from the beginning. I dont know if its just the pleasantly numb (and bored) mood I'm in but I feel like I've turned a corner on all the things that used to upset me no end. I remember pouring buckets of tears on some of the pages I posted, its a wonder the keyboard still works but now, those things kinda dont really conjure a terrible lot up?!?!? I know the things I wrote were true and meaningful and quite validly upsetting, but now, I think I've turned a corner.

Perhaps with each kilo melting away its taking a problem with it? Could eating have stopped me from getting through the problems in the first place? Of course I still have issues (massive, ginormous gangsta sized problems) but they're current, past ones kinda wash over me??!! I chucked a mega wobbly yesterday and it was funny, I wanted to eat, I wanted to sulk I wanted to in some way act like an emotional baby so I washed up. Yes, Shaggs of the "anything is more important than cleaning" philosophy cleaned cause she felt bad! (well f$%^ me!). Boy am I growing up! (nice change from growing out thats for sure!) In the end I even seeked out comfort and company when normally I turn into a recluse until the pain eases (or the mint slices run out). Of course I'm probably being cocky and tomorrow I'll have a meltdown about something that happened 8 years ago but for now, its all feeling rather good!

I am so glad that this band has happened. I could never have imagined the HUGE impact on my life it would have. I remember going through withdrawals both physical and emotional and I know it wasnt easy and I know I will still suffer at times and I know the physical pain was (and sometimes still is) hideous but really, I would do it all again 100 times over.

First fill is on Monday and its hard to get my head around the fact that technically, the band isnt supposed to be working yet.... freaky hey! Boy is it pulling its weight! Pity I'm not but its doing enough work for the two of us so far. After years and years and years and years of struggling and crying and eating and bingeing and hating and screaming and just pure hate I feel like (almost literally overnight - it feels like the blink of an eye) the cloud has lifted and something or someone else now has my problem cause it is not with me anymore. For want of better words and to not go all 12 step or evangelical on you all, (totally not religious I swear) my problem has been surrendered to a higher power and that higher power is my band. I am so grateful to that little piece of silicone, to my doctor (AKA Speedy Gonzalez beside manner of a meerkat but moves faster) to my husband for the money and time and energy and most of all to my cyber friends. Does this sound like an Oscars speech or what? Should I be on Oprah? And no, I havent had any mood altering drugs (not today anyway) I havent joined a cult or religion, I'm still a food junkie I will always be teetering on the edge of a tantrum and binge but now I can live too. Its not ALL about the food.

Now this conjures up feelings in me. I could have a little cry for happiness but I think I'll drown it out with a Friday afternoon beverage (or ten).

The Diet Coke Conspiracy

I have always been suspicious of diet coke as, and I swear this, I did not have a weight problem until I started drinking diet coke. I can never say that it is the sole reason I have a problem but it is very suspicious and worth looking into.

I read a doctor on one of the blogs (thank you for that info Skinny in Texas) mention that -

"Artificially sweetened drinks can increase appetite, resulting in a higher consumption of food, not to mention the questionable effects that artificial sweeteners have on our bodies."

So I decided to look into this as it has been an interest of mine for some years and look what I found..

Check out these sites - definitely food for thought!
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/Story?id=4271246&page=1
http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20050613/drink-more-diet-soda-gain-more-weight

I LOVE diet coke and can easily consume at least a litre a day and easily more. When I do weight watchers and any kind of food control I really cut back partly because I dont like the whole gas issue and getting pumped up and bloated but also because I'm aware of my water intake and I dont get thirsty so then no coke. And I notice a huge difference in my bloatedness and my ability to stop eating during a meal. That could be because of the wash down effect I have learnt about whilst researching the lap band. Either way I am better off with limited or no diet coke. Friends and family have also noticed this effect.

And now check this...

My husband drinks regualr coke and if he gives it up and goes to diet drinks guess what, it makes absolutely no difference to his weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, my own little science experiment in the comfort of my own home! He does not lose a single gram by going from regular coke to diet coke. And yes it is a significant amount of coke too.

I have always been interested in diet products in that most of them offer no sugar but not much else either eg: energy. Would you not be better off consuming that bit of sugar and having some extra energy to burn than fake sugar and no extra energy??? Mmmmm interesting...

I think my next blog will be all of the useful (and interesting) tips I have gathered during the 17 years I have been overweight and yes, no diet coke will be on the top of that list......

WLS versus no WLS is it really worth it?

So, is it worth it? It seems that everyone is still suffering with food addiction even while banded so what does the band bring to the table? Will it actually help me and how? Sent out a post on a forum today and I'm ready to be burned at the stake by the die hards but I really need to know what is different after the band. It is my last concern but a really big one. I find out my surgery date on Thursday so I would really like to sort this one out - its my last residue of doubt. I guess this is so important because it is not necessarily just the weight that is my issue but the obsession with food. The constant concern with food! and I can't see that actually being dealt with by the surgery. It seems I'm just adding a new obsession ie; fills, unfills, restriction, good foods etc as well as even more problems ie; scarring (got horrendous internal scarring from c sections already), infections, financial costs, reflux etc etc. And I know exactly how to bypass the band already and it hasn't even been done yet! Is it that you start losing really quickly and that gives you the taste for more loss and propels you into the next "control yourself" zone?

I just want my brain back. What if I took it back? If I kept it busy I'm pretty sure it wouldn't get the chance to eat.

Blogging and journalling is a great distraction and I have been keeping track of foods now for a week or so and writing in a journal and I was doing really well until the weekend. I still didnt have a bender but we've been away and without a kitchen and while I have been trying to choose the healthy options its not alway possible. So anyway, I lost 1.6kgs without killing myself and no exercise although not sitting completely on my ass either. I've also cut alot of the alcohol and now I'm going to cut back on the diet coke thing too (thats another blog). I definitely noticed in my journal that I am a boredom eater. I want to eat everytime I am bored which, since I'm at home with kids alot, is quite often. I'm also a revenge/reflex eater. If my husband or anyone for that matter upsets me I get the strong and sudden urge to lash out on alcohol and food. And I'm also a comfort eater when my hard day is done I just want to zone out and soothe myself with a lil somethin'. So basically I'll eat for any old reason. Now I'm going to be a control eater, using food as the only mechanism by which i can gain a sense of control. I have been up for 2 hours now and still not had breakfast because half of me wants to take the healthy option and go cereal while the other half wants toast. So we're at a stalemate. So I'm blogging and posting instead stomach a growlin and getting weaker by the minute, cant type anymore, losing the will to live.....

"I ate a prawn eye and it tasted like sugar"

Yes thats what my special lil man tells me as he's answering my random questions to him just to see what's going on behind his big hazel eyes. X, that's what we'll call him, was and is my third born and much like the other two, he was a little unexpected or should we call him a "surprise". I'd like to go back almost five years ago to when we found out he was on the way - it goes to explaining alot about how I have ended up here in the fat persons no man's land, treading water in this sea of blubber, bad health and unfulfilled dreams.

Five years ago I worked for weight watchers, yes believe it or not and no I didnt stand at the door as a reminder to members of what would happen if they didnt count points. I was a star member melting those kilos away, I knew every point value for every item of food and if I didnt you could bet I could get to within half a point. I had this thing down pat! I walked and aquaaeorbicised?? I worked at weight watchers every Saturday morning, I got my meetings for free plus we got a commission off the door which was a top meeting each week and we did well. I had two beautiful precious little girls, so well behaved, smart, sweet one 3-4 years the other 1-2 years. I had my system down pat I was organised with food, cooked, passionate about new recipes and smarter ways of making the most out of your points - in aussie terms i was GOING OFF!!! (thats a good thing just to let the rest of the world know).

Its no wonder I lost 20kgs and looked and felt great. It was a battle fighting off my possessive husband who didnt want me gone til 10am every saturday morning, out pounding the pavements every other morning fighting off those kilos and still not the perfect size 10 but damn it, I was strong and I really didnt give a hoot what he thought, he had to deal with it. I even had a little part time job at a cafe which I loved to bits. And no I didnt eat the profits! I was run off my feet 3 hours a day 3 days a week. Life was grand! Well, as grand as it was going to get! I had my two babies,no more babes for me. I begged for a tubal ligation during the second c section but I was 29 and had only 2 babies and being a know it all pig of a man my doctor decided it was not in my best interests for me to be sterilised. My husband would not go for a vasectomy because (and I quote) "while you are not the wife I want I want to keep my options open in case I want to start again with another woman" not a joke (he conveniently forgets this comment but its tucked away there and locked into about 7.5kgs of the fat I'm carrying).

So, early 2004 and over 20kgs down with less than 10 to go to perfection I went to the doctor for the morning after pill but it had recently been put onto over the counter medication, no prescription necessary BUT it would cost $40 which I didnt have at the time (times were tough thus the job at cafe and ww) the doctor normally gives me a freebie. Anyway, it was a long shot surely I would be safe just this one time......

Well, it was the day before my first born was to start primary school, emotions were running high and I had noticed that my PMS had subsided without the appearance of the M bit so there I was at the chemist buying the pregnancy test just a month after I should have bought the morning after pill. Words cannot describe the shock. The total utter devastation! All of that hard work gone just like that. I know everyone's thinking "but you dont have to gain weight when you're pregnant" but if you can just imagine for a moment what it took for a certified food junkie to control her addiction under some pretty harsh, undermining and sabotaging situations and get soooooooooooo close to goal and then deal with unplanned pregnancy to boot! And this is the least of what went on that year, I will cover the other aspects later.

I cried for a good solid half hour. I sobbed loud, shrieking, groaning, screaming wracking sobs until my husband had to ask "are we crying because we're happy or because we're sad?" and being the perfect fascade of a wife and mother I had to say it was because we were happy but man my life fell apart right there on bedroom floor. And I've cried like that for the past five years at least weekly and sometimes more often. And I have still not built a bridge and gotten over it. Five years later.....

I know this is the reason I dont start the whole diet thing again, the morbid fear that something will sabotage me ..... AGAIN! If its not me, then my husband or another child (I got that tubal ligation in the end but by then I was begging for a hysterectomy but that wasnt "in my best interests"). Of course I have started but I have all the resolve of a virgin on prom night, I have just given up the ghost. And because of alot of things that happened that year, I have given up on life alot also - doesnt make for a very solid foundation for the perfect facade. So, being the sulky, moody, temperamental, oversensitive baby that I am I am still in a funk - 5 years later!

Yes, I gained those 20 kgs and more during the pregnancy and just as the precious little spawn turned one and I should have gotten my life back and started again he turned into the child from hell and now not only did I have a possessive husband to answer to, I had a tantrum chucking possessive, aggressive toddler to deal with who would only deal with me and NO ONE ELSE and a husband who fought this every step of the way. Our house was a constant war zone. Two pig headed, possessive, aggressive bastards fighting over their bitch. It was all I could do to not drink during the day, I certainly did at night and still do for the most part. I dont know if he was a product of a bad situation or he created the bad situation but which ever way you want to look at we were a shit team. He eventually turned good at around 3 years and yeah I lost 12kgs at the gym that year but the beginning of 2008 saw the facade crack and give way and those 5 years came crashing down and its a wonder I've only gained 12kgs although the show's not over yet.

I do wonder if I had of blogged or journaled then then maybe it all wouldnt of gotten so shit cause this is really so very cathartic and I sit and say maybe I've given up on myself too soon and shouldnt resort to surgery and give this another go by myself but at the rate this process proceeds I'll have lost 20kgs by the time I get surgery anyway if I put my money where my mouth is!

So a brief idea of what also went on in those proceeding years:

- My wonderful, precious mother figure grandmother died and funnily enough - I watched her slowly starve to death! (text book psychology this, I know)

- My mother used me for 4 years to build a million dollar property for her saying that we would be able to buy and live in half of it - she of course pulled the rug out from under me after doing the 4 years hard work and wouldnt sell us the property. Too much profit at stake! Kinda hard being financially raped by your mother.

- Husband unemployed for 3 months HUGE financial and emotional strain

- sister on death bed in Queensland with strange immune disorder

- Husband EXTREMELY unsupportive during death of grandmother. In fact everyone unsupportive, after all, was ONLY my grandmother, just because she was the mother figure I didnt have.

- First baby started school (boo hoo)

- Moved house to be the perfect rental tenants to my rapist mother (told you I was a walking train crash plus couldnt give up house I had designed and laboured over plus guilt ridden cheap stable rent)

- Did I mention the unplanned baby?

There's even more in all this but we must stop somewhere....

So, why cant I build a bridge and GET OVER IT!!!!! Is all of this just a handy few reasons to not work at being an effective member of the human race? Or is this all a genuine chipping away of a character until there is just nothing left to chip? Do I deserve to fall apart never to have to stand up again for another beating down? Is the surgery just a way to help me out of the symptoms? I do see a therapist these days although there's only so much you can cover in 1 hour sessions (usually go to 1.5 hrs though) and after an hour of dredging everything up, you have to walk out on the street and continue on like everything is OK?????? What does it actually resolve???? I think this blog thing is better.

So, do I be my own worst enemy and not even let myself try...again? Am I just as guilty or more so than those around me who have hurt my precious little feelings?(once again, boo hoo) Should I toughen the $^%^% up! Should I just keep crying every week? Should I just keep eating? I dont feel like I even have the strength, determination or the trust in myself to be able to try. You know, all this time I have been thinking about husband (lets call him R), mother, sister, grandmother, friends, life, god, the universe, whatever, whoever, letting me down but the worst let down of all, me. Cause I am literally all I have and I have let myself down. I have not been there when I needed me, I was absent, I wasnt a friend to myself, I wasnt a support, I just fumbled along leaving everything to a "Shaggs of the future" to deal with at a better time. Has that time come? Is it time to step up? Can I trust myself? Will I be there when the chips are down (food again!)? Or will I let myself fall flat on my face again? Dont know cant answer all that only time will tell, the proof is in the pudding but will I even get to that point to find out.....

In the meantime, I'll lay with him on his soft little bed and hold his soft little hands and try to figure out what made him eat a prawn eye.....

The Day 2 Hang Over

So, day two here since final decision made and I'm looking at myself and saying "do I really need this" "I'm not so bad" "I can do this" but you know what, I can't and yes I'm bad enough and Yes I do need this. I kid myself that I wear the weight well and I'm a bit muscly and that weighs more etc etc but I cannot ignore the health effects of this weight. No matter how hard the surgery gets I will have to get through it, I'm good at getting through things but initiating and committing and resolving, nup, not my gig. 

I have always wished I woke up thin one day and all I had to do was maintain it. Do you know that feeling? That if your goal was already there, you could look after it. To eat and struggle and deprive yourself like a size 8 girl when you are in physical actuality a size 20 or more is REALLY hard. You are in your mindset and your actions a size 8 already but the disappointing reality is that you are ignored, belittled, disregarded and put down as the size 20 plus you are in the physical world. A size 8 girl maintains her size in large because of the benefits of that size to her. A size 20 girl has to see into the future and hold that to get through the day even though that future is in reality 2 years or more away. Thats hard!!!!! 

I'm looking forward to the shocking reality of not being able to eat like I do now. The difference in my life that comes with a huge change like having a baby, a marriage or surgery or given a new appendage eg: a new stomach! And I LOVE it when things are forced upon me - like there is no option to eat more I will become violently ill if i do. Pain and suffering (immediate only) is a great motivator for me. I am a procrastinator so removing all of my choices physically will be a huge relief. I am typically spoilt for choice and given the chance I will always err on the side of the bad choice. Thats what I do.

So, today I say bring it on! Its been hard not sharing this news with the whole family I saw today but I do not want to be talked out of this or put down for my decisions. I have gotten some excellent support online from other bloggers (thank you all so much) and as far as I can see in my immediate circle no one else is going through day in and day out what I'm going through and the complete strangers out there in cyber world know exactly what I'm going through so I'll take the lectures from them (even though they don't lecture) and the know it alls but actually dont know it all apart from what they see on A Current Affair can keep their noses out of it!

Oh how the mighty fall!

Never blogged, never forumed, never myspaced (only facebooked kicking and screaming just last 6 months to organise a reunion and i still have NEVER given a status report) and now here I am with a blog of my own within 12 hours of reading my first forum! and no I'm not computer illiterate I was just one of those mongs who thinks if you have a real life, live it, dont talk about it online but today that all changed........

Today I started looking into lap banding surgery. I have researched many times but this time its happening and I am wetting my pants with excitement! I have cracked the magic BMI of 40 (well 39 but lets not split hairs) and its time to go. So, I have learnt so much and met so many nice people just today through blogs and forums that I have decided I would like a comprehensive record of this process to help others and myself.

There will be plenty of pictures to come - feral as some will be. I'm still deciding how much of my identity I want to reveal I dont mind to strangers but I dont really want to connect with people in my real world cause quite frankly if they dont get to know me in reality, why be a voyeur and "snoop" online?

My story begins oh I dont know when or where to start but lets just say I lived the first half of my 35 years a perfect specimen of human being. Gorgeous smart talented blah blah blah. Had a few crap relationships in the teen years one particularly young and particularly bad and food became my friend. And then came the weight. Looking back I wasnt that bad in my early 20's but at the time I was consumed by it because lets face it, if you're not perfect then its a pretty big deal. So, I met my husband during one of my slim yo yo periods and I fell pregnant and we got married immediately in less than a year I was a wife and mother and had doubled my size yes 40kilos in one year! Well, you can imagine my husband was beside himself and has been ever since. On good days he can be very supportive and encouraging and at our lowest points he has called me names and treated me in ways I wouldn't wish upon my absolute worst enemy. So, you can imagine where this has left me - with a protective layer of 100 kilos of flesh on a 160cm frame (thats 200 odd pounds and 5ft 1 or 2 maybe). Sometimes I wear it well and sometimes I dont. People still say I'm attractive with a pretty face and a good personality but as I am often reminded, they're not married to me! I live in black black black black and would LOVE to wear a colour without feeling like an overripe piece of fruit. 

We had our 20 year school reunion this year and instead of doing a 6 month pre reunion beauty regime I uglied up! Yes, I was the biggest I've ever been I had my long blond hair cut off to an ugly limp bob (I did it myself in a Britney moment of madness - yes I can display some pretty insane behaviours) and died a hideous flat brown (also done by me) I wore my mothers clothes it just could not have been worse! The last time these people saw me I was the 50 kilo gorgeous vice Captain of the school and now.......woah! AND I organised the reunion!!!! Can you believe I brought this on myself!!!!!!!!!! I am a walking train crash - sometimes I just love to set myself up for disappointment!!! TOPS!!!! It was a record turn out and now I know why.. people just love to watch train crashes, have you seen YouTube? Its full of train crashes. Thats what everyone wanted to see - the Prom Queen gone horribly wrong it was worth the $45 a ticket - top entertainment! 

So its all over now. I know it is all out of my control now and I am turning to the last resort and I am STOKED about it. I have no illusions or delusions about how hard its going to be but here I am. My biggest fear is the liquid diet you have to do before hand! If I could go two weeks on liquid without having my stomach massively reduced I wouldnt need surgery in the first place thats why I'm doing this but I have to go through a baptism of fire first - great!

Enough for now, I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight now, I'm so excited about this whole thing including the blog. Stay tuned for all the gory details of the few things I've mentioned here - and boy does it get gory!

BTW I'm not telling anyone (except you guys) about the surgery except my husband (and no, he isnt forcing me into this it is totally my choice) so we'll see how that works out, should be interesting got some pretty close (sometimes suffocating) family and friends who will be shocked to the core when they find out - its gonna make for some pretty good soapiesque moments!