The Day 2 Hang Over

So, day two here since final decision made and I'm looking at myself and saying "do I really need this" "I'm not so bad" "I can do this" but you know what, I can't and yes I'm bad enough and Yes I do need this. I kid myself that I wear the weight well and I'm a bit muscly and that weighs more etc etc but I cannot ignore the health effects of this weight. No matter how hard the surgery gets I will have to get through it, I'm good at getting through things but initiating and committing and resolving, nup, not my gig. 

I have always wished I woke up thin one day and all I had to do was maintain it. Do you know that feeling? That if your goal was already there, you could look after it. To eat and struggle and deprive yourself like a size 8 girl when you are in physical actuality a size 20 or more is REALLY hard. You are in your mindset and your actions a size 8 already but the disappointing reality is that you are ignored, belittled, disregarded and put down as the size 20 plus you are in the physical world. A size 8 girl maintains her size in large because of the benefits of that size to her. A size 20 girl has to see into the future and hold that to get through the day even though that future is in reality 2 years or more away. Thats hard!!!!! 

I'm looking forward to the shocking reality of not being able to eat like I do now. The difference in my life that comes with a huge change like having a baby, a marriage or surgery or given a new appendage eg: a new stomach! And I LOVE it when things are forced upon me - like there is no option to eat more I will become violently ill if i do. Pain and suffering (immediate only) is a great motivator for me. I am a procrastinator so removing all of my choices physically will be a huge relief. I am typically spoilt for choice and given the chance I will always err on the side of the bad choice. Thats what I do.

So, today I say bring it on! Its been hard not sharing this news with the whole family I saw today but I do not want to be talked out of this or put down for my decisions. I have gotten some excellent support online from other bloggers (thank you all so much) and as far as I can see in my immediate circle no one else is going through day in and day out what I'm going through and the complete strangers out there in cyber world know exactly what I'm going through so I'll take the lectures from them (even though they don't lecture) and the know it alls but actually dont know it all apart from what they see on A Current Affair can keep their noses out of it!