Can losing 30kg make you happy??

So this is how I look today and guess what?? Losing 30kgs does not make you happy! "What!!" I hear you say??!?!? How can you not be happy?? You got what you wished for??? How can you not be happy??? Call me an ungrateful cow but losing 30kg does not make life any better - just different. Different versions of good and bad for different reasons but certainly no better. You'll still just be chugging away running around like a little ant doing the uselessly inane trite we call life. Who would have thought???

Life - grin and bear it. Is that what this is all about?? Just getting by and "pretending" like we're all having fun when really, life is a shitting hard thing to do. Why are we all doing this at all? Are people who take matters into their own hands and end their own lives are they the smart ones? Are they the proactive ones who can see the truth and just cut to the chase and bring the inevitable forward?? How do we know thats not the key to getting by in all of this??? How brave and courageous they are for seeing that this "here" is not the answer and bravely forging ahead into the unknown going against every instinctive impulse in their living breathing bodies and despite millions of years of evolution and life force doing the unthinkable??? Well its not actually unthinkable if I'm here writing this and you're reading it. Its definitely considerable. Is it a conspiracy of life that we should have dependents and people loving us and relying on us so that we couldnt exstinguish our own lives even if it was something we wanted? Is love just a cunning tactic of nature? Of course it is thats why babies are so cute isnt it? So we'd love them and look after them and feed them we're all getting screwed over by love at every step - every breath of our lives. Just as love can save us love can doom us into existence also.

I dont know about you guys but man I'm over being hopeful, optimistic, pleasant, joyful being grateful for another minute, day, month or year of life. Its just second by second here, I'm still here and it still sucks. Being scammed into the belief that like attracts like and if you're positive and optimistic you'll attract wonderful things. Sorry guys just another conspiracy. You see, while you're being optimistic and happy you wont notice or dare to examine the reality - that really, this is plain old shite and if good things happen beware! Something bad has to happen in return cause thats another old gem we've been spoon fed also isnt it? You cant just ignore that one now Miss Smiley. Remember - you cant have the good without the bad one doesnt exist without the other so hang on for the ride cause your roller coasters about to go on the down swing!

So whats happened to bring on this tirade of life hatin?? I could go into detail but it will never be as bad as some other peoples situation - someone is always worse off and I will be considered ungrateful and really its not much just the same old cold gruel that life seems to like dishing up (well no wonder I hear you say - look how negative you are?) Ah but you see, I am the devils advocate. I give readings from "the other side" I'm a psychic and a medium and a "light worker" I give spiritual advice and dwell in the light and help people through this cold existence giving them hope where there is none. I reconnect them to their loved ones that have passed over give them those words and moments that couldnt happen when you're on opposite sides of the veil. I'm the "conduit" I get to know what the other side is like and still get to stay here - how lucky am I!!!!! I do their dirty work and THEN i get screwed over - thats my payment you see. I get to somehow raise the enlightenment level of my soul by knowing what I'm missing out on and yet still hanging about here and helping others to cope. And i have to do it all with a smile and a twinkle in my eye and tell the biggest lie of all - that everything will be alright. Well, says the other side - of course it will be alright its not a lie - just DEFINE alright?? Is alright that you'll keep on breathing?? Or that you'll die?? Or that a loved one will be put out of their misery and they'll die?? Is death bad or a relief?? Is that the worst thing that life can come up with - death?? Have we all be scammed into believing that the one thing that we should all fear and avoid at all costs is actually the best thing for us?? Like a pretty bird in a cage hand raised to fear the wild and life outside the safety of its prison when really it could fly free and live a life beyond its wildest expectations.

Am I just tempting fate and asking for trouble here? Am I conjuring up serious harm and distress? Nothing else I seem to dwell in comes to fruition so why would the horrors?? I can help others I just cant help myself and who helps the helpers???

So, for better or worse its school holidays here. Good, because I cant do readings for people with the kids around so I get a couple of weeks off faking it and bad because even if I wanted to do something to help myself I couldnt. And theres a very distinct possibility that its the school holidays that brings on these maudlin musings and maybe its doing the readings for people and having one toe in the light for the most part of most days that keeps me away from day dreaming about not being here anymore. And through all of this I worry that maybe I shouldnt post this that people will go into freak mode and think I'm going to end it all or worse still, pass on the cold comfort of meaningless platitudes but really, neither of those things are true or will help in any way and if I'm still here after 38 years of this shite then why would I go now? Unfortunately you guys just get the shit here. I'll go off now and be Miss Light and Love and no one will be none the wiser only you guys will know whats going on behind my smile and thats ok cause I'll never meet any of you and none of you affect my everyday life except that it helps to have my little invisible ears out there all over the world and know that someone is listening and for that I thank you all. Thank you so much from the bottom of my cold, black heart and I do only wish the best for you all and hope that life isnt this "real" for any of you.

So guys just in case I'm not the only one who thought losing weight would fix everything just let me tell you once and for all - it doesnt fix everything. Life is still life and you still have to work VERY VERY VERY hard at keeping it all together no matter what size your clothes are.

Soothing the poor sad dieter

So, I've eaten enough chocolate to sink a ship and there's three times more in the cupboard. My only saving grace is that I am so sick of it I dont think I'll eat it for another 3 years. Although, everyone here likes plain old cadburys plain old and I really would kill for a carmello or some sickly creamy number...... never happy. On weight watchers with no chocolate I would have licked parts of sweaty footballer in the middle of summer just to smell an easter egg but today, I want fantastical variety!

And I wonder why I've been skirting around 92kg for the past month! I just dont really give a shit too much about what's going in.  I have to think about quantity all the time and the no drinking thing is crap so what's going in is kind of last priority.  Didnt everyone say to forget about dieting after the band? That you are no longer on a diet? To be honest, I love being 92kg and although I do miss the "losing" feeling I really dont care too much - I'm not disappointed at all and thats kind of the problem. I could be doing SOOOOO much better than this. I dont think twice about having the most unnecessary pointless high calorie bits and pieces. Things that make the little weight watcher in me just shrivel up and die. Full sugar soft drinks, chocolate up the kazoo, cream, full cream milk, wine and nibblies anything and everything - all in very moderate amounts - and now do you understand why I am loving being 92kg? The scales may not be going down but they're not going up either. 

And when, I would like to ask, is my band going to pull a little more weight? Once again I am starting to have bread again and meals rather larger than a side plate. Banders around me cant eat bread or meat or this and that. Chew properly, I say, and you can get concrete down! I'm even having ever growing larger sips of diet coke after I eat - no sweat. I know the feeling in my stomach when the food starts to shift and I can risk a little sip without blocking up the pipes. I get sooooo bloody thirsty! One of my friends gave me the worst piece of advice - eat something sweet and the thirst goes away. Thanks for that little gem! I am starting to think I am now earning the official title of "Sweet Tooth". Thats a first! Never had a sweet tooth before!

I know all this whingeing is actually about me being out of control. I thought I would be on a diet and the band would help but I have to say, my mentality is so far removed from that of a dieter that its a wonder I havent digested the band as well. I'm eating far too many carbs and not enough protein. Too much grazing. Too much liquids (eg alcohol) not enough rules or just a little bit of inhibition would be great right now. My husband made a comment about my band not working anymore and I could have cried with protectiveness for my poor little friend who is doing the best it can. Just because I'm ignoring it its no reason to give it a rough rap. And I do ignore it. I have always been one to push the limits and tolerances of any given person/situation/rules to see just how far you can go before you pay a price. Most times I am a very savvy, knowledgable little fountain of reason but sometimes it does backfire but not very often. I have never been one to stick religiously to what I am told cause quite frankly, why is anyone else's information or rules more valid than my tried and true experiences? I am not a fervently conscientious, salt of the earth, pillar of strength, rule keeping for the sake of it, happy little follower of society. I have almost always gone against the grain almost purely because everyone else is going with it. I do not err on the side of caution, I tangle with danger to figure out just what I can get away with before pain and/or regret sinks in. Truly though, I almost always come out with a more efficient and less painful way of getting through life while still reaping the rewards without killing yourself on rules and parameters that really are not necessary or even very practical.

And so I have done the same with the band. It seems I get some restriction, I enjoy it and go with it and then I start to test it which by its very nature starts to undo it. Why play with it? Why not just go with it and let it take me to weight loss wonder land? I am not smarter or more practical for doing this. I may not be suffering but I'm not experiencing the exhilerating highs of losing either. Or am I doing the right thing? I'm not doing the extreme dieting situation and burning out and gorging. I'm having faith in the band and life in general and letting the loss just come. I'm soothing the poor sad dieter in me who has suffered and slaved over diets most her life, agonising over every sip, suck, taste, lick and nibble. I'm sure I'm doing the right thing - just enjoying food and life in some kind of moderation. Will being properly filled take this power away from me completely? Will that be a good thing? I kinda like where I'm at but how long will this work for? What is next week going to be like when I'm on an ovulation binge? What is the meaning of life? How many more questions remain unanswered?

So, lets also keep things in proportion - its easter - there's an inordinate amount of shit and food around, long weekends with no routine, school holidays with no routine, we're coming up to some form of menstrual cycle hormonal intolerance (lets face it, every week has its challenges hormonally) and it has only been just two months and lets remember - I've lost over 10kgs in that time!!! Thats a world f^&*)ing record for me!!!!!! Yay! Talk about Easter bringing new life! Still, some control on my part wouldnt go astray and I have just received an offer in the mail to rejoin the gym for free with the first month also free??!!! Or I could just continue to wallow in holiday mode, after all, its school holidays for another two weeks yet.