Soothing the poor sad dieter

So, I've eaten enough chocolate to sink a ship and there's three times more in the cupboard. My only saving grace is that I am so sick of it I dont think I'll eat it for another 3 years. Although, everyone here likes plain old cadburys plain old and I really would kill for a carmello or some sickly creamy number...... never happy. On weight watchers with no chocolate I would have licked parts of sweaty footballer in the middle of summer just to smell an easter egg but today, I want fantastical variety!

And I wonder why I've been skirting around 92kg for the past month! I just dont really give a shit too much about what's going in.  I have to think about quantity all the time and the no drinking thing is crap so what's going in is kind of last priority.  Didnt everyone say to forget about dieting after the band? That you are no longer on a diet? To be honest, I love being 92kg and although I do miss the "losing" feeling I really dont care too much - I'm not disappointed at all and thats kind of the problem. I could be doing SOOOOO much better than this. I dont think twice about having the most unnecessary pointless high calorie bits and pieces. Things that make the little weight watcher in me just shrivel up and die. Full sugar soft drinks, chocolate up the kazoo, cream, full cream milk, wine and nibblies anything and everything - all in very moderate amounts - and now do you understand why I am loving being 92kg? The scales may not be going down but they're not going up either. 

And when, I would like to ask, is my band going to pull a little more weight? Once again I am starting to have bread again and meals rather larger than a side plate. Banders around me cant eat bread or meat or this and that. Chew properly, I say, and you can get concrete down! I'm even having ever growing larger sips of diet coke after I eat - no sweat. I know the feeling in my stomach when the food starts to shift and I can risk a little sip without blocking up the pipes. I get sooooo bloody thirsty! One of my friends gave me the worst piece of advice - eat something sweet and the thirst goes away. Thanks for that little gem! I am starting to think I am now earning the official title of "Sweet Tooth". Thats a first! Never had a sweet tooth before!

I know all this whingeing is actually about me being out of control. I thought I would be on a diet and the band would help but I have to say, my mentality is so far removed from that of a dieter that its a wonder I havent digested the band as well. I'm eating far too many carbs and not enough protein. Too much grazing. Too much liquids (eg alcohol) not enough rules or just a little bit of inhibition would be great right now. My husband made a comment about my band not working anymore and I could have cried with protectiveness for my poor little friend who is doing the best it can. Just because I'm ignoring it its no reason to give it a rough rap. And I do ignore it. I have always been one to push the limits and tolerances of any given person/situation/rules to see just how far you can go before you pay a price. Most times I am a very savvy, knowledgable little fountain of reason but sometimes it does backfire but not very often. I have never been one to stick religiously to what I am told cause quite frankly, why is anyone else's information or rules more valid than my tried and true experiences? I am not a fervently conscientious, salt of the earth, pillar of strength, rule keeping for the sake of it, happy little follower of society. I have almost always gone against the grain almost purely because everyone else is going with it. I do not err on the side of caution, I tangle with danger to figure out just what I can get away with before pain and/or regret sinks in. Truly though, I almost always come out with a more efficient and less painful way of getting through life while still reaping the rewards without killing yourself on rules and parameters that really are not necessary or even very practical.

And so I have done the same with the band. It seems I get some restriction, I enjoy it and go with it and then I start to test it which by its very nature starts to undo it. Why play with it? Why not just go with it and let it take me to weight loss wonder land? I am not smarter or more practical for doing this. I may not be suffering but I'm not experiencing the exhilerating highs of losing either. Or am I doing the right thing? I'm not doing the extreme dieting situation and burning out and gorging. I'm having faith in the band and life in general and letting the loss just come. I'm soothing the poor sad dieter in me who has suffered and slaved over diets most her life, agonising over every sip, suck, taste, lick and nibble. I'm sure I'm doing the right thing - just enjoying food and life in some kind of moderation. Will being properly filled take this power away from me completely? Will that be a good thing? I kinda like where I'm at but how long will this work for? What is next week going to be like when I'm on an ovulation binge? What is the meaning of life? How many more questions remain unanswered?

So, lets also keep things in proportion - its easter - there's an inordinate amount of shit and food around, long weekends with no routine, school holidays with no routine, we're coming up to some form of menstrual cycle hormonal intolerance (lets face it, every week has its challenges hormonally) and it has only been just two months and lets remember - I've lost over 10kgs in that time!!! Thats a world f^&*)ing record for me!!!!!! Yay! Talk about Easter bringing new life! Still, some control on my part wouldnt go astray and I have just received an offer in the mail to rejoin the gym for free with the first month also free??!!! Or I could just continue to wallow in holiday mode, after all, its school holidays for another two weeks yet.