Devastation City Limits

So my lovlies the time has come to incorporate some of my real life with my blog world. No one I know in my real life actually reads this blog so I'm safe here. I've never wanted to blog about my "professional" life because it can impact your clients, performance etc etc but I think after two years its safe to say I can say whatever I want.

So, on the back of my last post here goes.

The reason I was so despondent goes as follows:

About 6 weeks or so ago on a Friday night I had a dream a really vivid dream that I know comes from another place and is a very important message.

Back to the dream in a minute - you see for the past like 3 years I have discovered a very special ability (although it is present in everyone) to be able to know things others dont seem to be aware of and communicate with people and spirit guides on the "other side" and I use these abilities to give readings and help people in their everyday life. I have always known that my true calling in this is to do public demonstrations to large groups (it is the way I work best) and that some level of fame and notoriety is to come of this. It propels my every day and all of what I do and always with the basic motivation being to help people and bring the notion that psychic ability is a human ability and not a "special gift" bestowed upon a few. We can and MUST all do this in order to help our every day existence and our human race and souls.

So, the dream. I had a dream that one of my teachers from Sydney took me by the hand and led me into a stadium that was full of people waiting for a show to begin. I was told there was 20 - 50,000 people waiting. He took me in a side door and I knew these people were waiting for a psychic show to begin and when I asked how do you do readings for this many people I got a short sharp "the same way you do it for one person". This teacher, we'll call him Angelo, was on an Australian TV show called The One the search for Australias greatest psychic and came into the final three and did quite well although he was a bit scarred by it and now doesnt mention it. The dream was gobsmackingly real. He had the prescence of an angel it was such a magnificent dream and since studying it up the arena I was in was the exact image of Madison Square Garden - a big deal right?

Anyway, I have no intention of trying to be Australias greatest psychic or be right all the time all I care about is that the individual that sits in front of me walks away feeling better having spent an hour of their time connected to the other side through me as their conduit. I also like it if they walk away with some little idea or technique about how to connect themselves to the other side to help them out and not have to heavily rely on someone like me. It is so not about me but about them and their loved ones. Its kind of like I'm the telephone and for me to make it about me is kinda wrong and strange - does a telephone get self conscious and suffer performance anxiety or overinflated ego issues??

So, the dream stuck with me all day that Saturday. I have been planning for ages to do some public large group shows but I'm pretty much on my own here in Melbourne and its daunting. I did some gigs in Sydney but as just a small part of someone elses show not my own. So I woke that morning going OMG this is what I HAVE to do!!!!!! No fear!! Just do it!!!

So Saturday goes on and we're starting up a business that will allow my husband to work from home and look after the kids (how coincidental or not???) and at about 1am on Sunday morning I see a note on Facebook that I would have missed had I not been on at the ridiculous hour and it was the winner of that particular TV show giving out the email address to apply to the show.

So in a nutshell I applied and then promptly forgot about it.

Fast forward two weeks and I got a call.....

It was the show who liked what I'd written and I had to undergo psychic quizzes and photos and application forms etc etc and they said they'd skype me on the Monday and I was freaking!!! The stars had aligned, the dates were perfect (my dead grandmas birthday, the anniversary of my grandpas death etc etc. I sent off my application form and sat at home and waited for my call and.............

NOTHING!!!

I was crushed like a bug worse than how I've been this week sooooooooooo bad. It meant I bombed on the application and what I thought was real information from the other side in my quizzes was all shite and the other side had let me down and just WHHHAHAHAHAHHTTTTTT!!!!

But I did get over it and I did survive and fast forward two weeks and I approached our school prinicipal to hire their hall so I could do a big live group show and what happens..... my phone rings and
its
the
show.......

and they loved my application and they want me to come in for a screen and test and some live psychic quiz stuff

FARK ME!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly died on the spot dead set!!!!!!!!

I had no time to buy a new outfit but I got a strong message that my first reading the following day was going to cancel and SHE DID!! so I went shopping. I was told which section of the shopping centre to go to and when I go there I had no idea which shop to go to until a maintenance car stopped out the front of a shop and sounded an alarm and I knew "thats the shop"!! and of course I found the perfect outfit in under an hour (the one I am picture in in the last post). I had my hair and make up professionally done ( I just had to give it my best shot - it was like the wedding day I never had it was ALL ABOUT ME!!) and off I went. I wasnt nervous I felt the ENTIRE universe with me. NOTHING had ever felt so right in my life. I felt like an angel channelling the very nectar of the universe. Everything I said was gold everyone I met was beautiful I felt like a freaking princess it was a surreal and out of body unbelievably fantastic experience. My readings were spot on everything was fabulous and they all loved me and we all bonded and had a top day and I would love to end this post on this cliff hanger but I just cant (as much for me as for you).

And then I waited

For two weeks

I waited

and waited

and in my head I kinda knew I didnt get it

but I couldnt ignore all the signs

there were more than I mentioned here

EVERYONE I spoke to "Felt" I had it

I didnt tell many people

I got an email last Friday night saying I didnt make it any further but thank you.

A part of me died right there and then

Unfortunately I had a friend over an I didnt want to kill the Friday mood and talk about it so by the time she left I almost self combusted and melted into a waterfall of tears of disappointment. Honestly, I dont really care if I'm not on a TV show. I felt most disappointed for my husband and family cause this was our way out of this ordinary and quite often very challenging and struggling existence. BIG changes were going to happen in a very short amount of time and we were ready.

I'm exhuasted to go back here I hope you all understand when I end it here until later???

Even as I read back over this I have just rushed ahead to get the basic details down and this post does it all no justice. This was MONUMENTAL in my life. Amazing things do not happen to me!! They just dont. I've always thought that things didnt go so well for me so that I would always strive to find that very thing that I really needed to do as an individual and to an extent I was right. I have found what I needed to do but I swear this was all sooooo fabulous I thought this was what was next. I honestly cant believe it is all over. I have come to a level of acceptance in my everyday life but when I rehash it like this I relive it and I just still cannot believe it was not right.

When I think about it the whole show is based around the amazingness of the abilites and all I droned on about was how its not so amazing but accessible to everyone. That I am an ordinary Joe and if I can do it anyone can. Now I see it was a BIG mistake but I couldnt see it any other way so.... so be it!

At the back of all of this I had the complete and full understanding that if it wasnt meant to be it wouldnt. If it wasnt the best for me and my work then the powers that be wouldnt allow it to happen so in some ways I feel I've dodged a bullet.

But man I'm crushed like a bug and its hard to bounce back.

I have in some ways and I'm back to plodding along theres been some interesting insights into the whole process and what I've just been through and what I've learnt but for now I'm back to doing this the hard way and going back to the prinicpal to the hire the hall.

I'll keep you all posted

Love you all!!

Can losing 30kg make you happy??

So this is how I look today and guess what?? Losing 30kgs does not make you happy! "What!!" I hear you say??!?!? How can you not be happy?? You got what you wished for??? How can you not be happy??? Call me an ungrateful cow but losing 30kg does not make life any better - just different. Different versions of good and bad for different reasons but certainly no better. You'll still just be chugging away running around like a little ant doing the uselessly inane trite we call life. Who would have thought???

Life - grin and bear it. Is that what this is all about?? Just getting by and "pretending" like we're all having fun when really, life is a shitting hard thing to do. Why are we all doing this at all? Are people who take matters into their own hands and end their own lives are they the smart ones? Are they the proactive ones who can see the truth and just cut to the chase and bring the inevitable forward?? How do we know thats not the key to getting by in all of this??? How brave and courageous they are for seeing that this "here" is not the answer and bravely forging ahead into the unknown going against every instinctive impulse in their living breathing bodies and despite millions of years of evolution and life force doing the unthinkable??? Well its not actually unthinkable if I'm here writing this and you're reading it. Its definitely considerable. Is it a conspiracy of life that we should have dependents and people loving us and relying on us so that we couldnt exstinguish our own lives even if it was something we wanted? Is love just a cunning tactic of nature? Of course it is thats why babies are so cute isnt it? So we'd love them and look after them and feed them we're all getting screwed over by love at every step - every breath of our lives. Just as love can save us love can doom us into existence also.

I dont know about you guys but man I'm over being hopeful, optimistic, pleasant, joyful being grateful for another minute, day, month or year of life. Its just second by second here, I'm still here and it still sucks. Being scammed into the belief that like attracts like and if you're positive and optimistic you'll attract wonderful things. Sorry guys just another conspiracy. You see, while you're being optimistic and happy you wont notice or dare to examine the reality - that really, this is plain old shite and if good things happen beware! Something bad has to happen in return cause thats another old gem we've been spoon fed also isnt it? You cant just ignore that one now Miss Smiley. Remember - you cant have the good without the bad one doesnt exist without the other so hang on for the ride cause your roller coasters about to go on the down swing!

So whats happened to bring on this tirade of life hatin?? I could go into detail but it will never be as bad as some other peoples situation - someone is always worse off and I will be considered ungrateful and really its not much just the same old cold gruel that life seems to like dishing up (well no wonder I hear you say - look how negative you are?) Ah but you see, I am the devils advocate. I give readings from "the other side" I'm a psychic and a medium and a "light worker" I give spiritual advice and dwell in the light and help people through this cold existence giving them hope where there is none. I reconnect them to their loved ones that have passed over give them those words and moments that couldnt happen when you're on opposite sides of the veil. I'm the "conduit" I get to know what the other side is like and still get to stay here - how lucky am I!!!!! I do their dirty work and THEN i get screwed over - thats my payment you see. I get to somehow raise the enlightenment level of my soul by knowing what I'm missing out on and yet still hanging about here and helping others to cope. And i have to do it all with a smile and a twinkle in my eye and tell the biggest lie of all - that everything will be alright. Well, says the other side - of course it will be alright its not a lie - just DEFINE alright?? Is alright that you'll keep on breathing?? Or that you'll die?? Or that a loved one will be put out of their misery and they'll die?? Is death bad or a relief?? Is that the worst thing that life can come up with - death?? Have we all be scammed into believing that the one thing that we should all fear and avoid at all costs is actually the best thing for us?? Like a pretty bird in a cage hand raised to fear the wild and life outside the safety of its prison when really it could fly free and live a life beyond its wildest expectations.

Am I just tempting fate and asking for trouble here? Am I conjuring up serious harm and distress? Nothing else I seem to dwell in comes to fruition so why would the horrors?? I can help others I just cant help myself and who helps the helpers???

So, for better or worse its school holidays here. Good, because I cant do readings for people with the kids around so I get a couple of weeks off faking it and bad because even if I wanted to do something to help myself I couldnt. And theres a very distinct possibility that its the school holidays that brings on these maudlin musings and maybe its doing the readings for people and having one toe in the light for the most part of most days that keeps me away from day dreaming about not being here anymore. And through all of this I worry that maybe I shouldnt post this that people will go into freak mode and think I'm going to end it all or worse still, pass on the cold comfort of meaningless platitudes but really, neither of those things are true or will help in any way and if I'm still here after 38 years of this shite then why would I go now? Unfortunately you guys just get the shit here. I'll go off now and be Miss Light and Love and no one will be none the wiser only you guys will know whats going on behind my smile and thats ok cause I'll never meet any of you and none of you affect my everyday life except that it helps to have my little invisible ears out there all over the world and know that someone is listening and for that I thank you all. Thank you so much from the bottom of my cold, black heart and I do only wish the best for you all and hope that life isnt this "real" for any of you.

So guys just in case I'm not the only one who thought losing weight would fix everything just let me tell you once and for all - it doesnt fix everything. Life is still life and you still have to work VERY VERY VERY hard at keeping it all together no matter what size your clothes are.

Where will this end?

So after reading

Judy - http://judifromthismomenton.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-just-cant-shake-fear.html

and

Beth - http://whohidthedonuts.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-coming-out-of-hiding-erica-this-is.html

I really dont feel so alone. Judy (Stories from Judyland) did it for me when she said the worrying is back and once you start worrying you get sick of worrying and you throw in the towel and we ALL know where that ends!!!

Am I just suffering a little holiday cheer? My cycle is a little bit messed up so am I ovulating early again like last month? (ovulation always puts on about 2kg for me but goes just as quickly about a week later) Could this messed up cycle be the beginning of Menopause? Peri Menopausal I believe Oprah calls it (I'm 37 but I started my period young so it could be???? I'm realistic enough to know our hormones start dropping at 28ish so its not out of the question?!) Will the weight go again? Will I be on the other side of this next week? I've booked a fill for next Tuesday and I'm praying my band will start "working" again cause I really hate all the thought that is going into this all the snacking worrying weighing and thinking thinking thinking. being stuck at home during rainy school holidays doesnt help.

Anyway in the meantime - gonna do all I can with going over the top to the point of becoming an obsessive dieter again and obsessing my way back to 110kg again.

Just breathe - in with the good out with the bad.......

Special Occasion Depression and its Aftermath

So, coming down off that last little cloud now and back to what this blog is all about - weight! I munched and drank and sat my way through Christmas and New Years we had people here from Sydney and we live in Melbourne which is pretty much all about the food and wine and because Christmas is such a non event in my family (not my immediate family with the kids and all) but the wider family - theres no kids nothing special going on - well lets just say my knee jerk reaction is to try and MAKE something out of Christmas by cooking and eating and shopping and keeping myself busily away from the uncomfortable feelings of rejection and lonliness that tend to rear their ugly heads in the form of Special Occasion Depression.

I havent had SOD for a few years now it all started though when I started having babies 11 years ago and around the same time my grandmother started to get too old to put on our family traditional christmas. The torch probably should have been handed to my mother but she is just shite at entertaining shes a recluse and has not much of a clue shes also a shit guest as she would come to my lovingly prepared Christmas day, eat before it was served and fark off back home cause she was tired (undiagnosed untreated depression will do that to you). I know this all sounds so freaking dysfunctional and poor me but its important to know how I royally messed up this Christmas (no blaming anyone full responsibility on my part here).

So I learnt to deal with the SOD although for years it would bring me to my knees and I would keep it going for the kids and all but man once my grandmother died and all special occasion celebrations went out the window I really packed it in on those days. We would try to make something out of the special days but honestly we have a pretty shite extended family for those things they either wouldnt turn up or have other things on or whatever. Have I told you all this before?? Anyway, I knew it was my lesson to learn and it was part of the grieving process and saying good bye to my grandmother and my life long psychological and emotional issue has always been rejection and man would I set myself up for it on "special" occasions.

So, part of the whole ooger booger discovery process was dealing with all of these issues and I really did reach a very manageable level of healing and I wouldnt feel quite so bad and actually completely forgot about the SOD. We just accepted the fact it was me and the husband and the kids and made the most of it and I do believe the Universe and my ooger boogers sent me really lovely things on those days to help take my mind off it and I do believe the universe helps those who help themselves etc etc and so what does this have to do with the me of today?? (apart from everything) As you know 18 months ago we moved 1000kms away to Melbourne (and to no one) last christmas my husbands family came and stayed with us and it was a really fun holiday and time together so the reality didnt hit however this year, no one. Really, ABSOLUTELY no one. My BF here suggested we all share christmas together and then promptly forgot about it and made plans with her inlaws (see I still set myself up for rejection in my friends choices). And so I felt the SOD a stirrin!

Anyway about a week before Xmas my mother in law decides to come. I love her I really do but she suffers from major depression and victimisation syndrome and really, we shouldnt be together at a time like this alone with no other family or friends as a buffer zone. Lets just say it didnt go well (we didnt fight or anything but I had no energy to engage in her depressive poor me games - funny what we dont like in others isnt it??) it was rainy we couldnt do much the kids just want to play with their new stuff and so, she went home 3 days early on boxing day.

And me? Well, I really did handle it all well I swear I soldiered on faked it til I made it etc etc but I was truly shocked to find that SOD was back. It simmered underneath it all I didnt tell anyone about it I didnt cry on the lounge for hours like I used to but man it was BACK! I certainly didnt expect family to come flying in from all over the place in fact it was a relief they didnt but I guess I just didnt know how to do a special occasion with NO ONE. (I'm not ruling out my kids and husband here they just couldnt care less if there was sandwiches and we went to the park but thats not a special occasion to me - after all its all about the food, the decoration, the music, the drink the fun and honestly, dare I say, thats not my husband or kids. I have fun with the kids playing their games and stuff but its not a crowd, its not people, its not chatting etc etc etc its our everyday life. It was raining here we couldnt go to the beach the park or anywhere EVERYTHING is shut on christmas day. So what to do???

Funny thing is, in the lead up to christmas day I went a bit stupid and bought every type of food imagineable just to have in the house in case we felt like it. I didnt plan anything in particular I thought I'd just play it by ear but man did I build myself a fort made out of food!!?!? And on the day I made a full roast with all the trimmings I made enough food for 50 people and we had 3 depressed adults and 3 distracted kids. Funny thing was I didnt feel too bad, the food was exactly like my grandmothers even though I make my differently it all turned out perfectly and I felt like I was in some sort of trance making everything just the way she would have. I honestly didnt mean it, it just happened. Alot of funny things happened that day and I swear she was with me but anyway after all of this the point of the story is...... I ATE!!

OH MAN I ATE!!!

A few days later friends came to stay for a week and man

I ATE MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND DRANK AND DRANK AND SAT AND DID NOTHING FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT!!!

I soothed myself with smoothies, I eased the anguish with pavlova and trifle I whined over wine you name it I did it. And all throughout I didnt gain any weight and I swear on the last day the friends were here I felt my arse and gut start to magically grow right before my eyes I could hear the balloon squeaking sound when something expands. And now its taken me a week to talk about it but I saw 81kg. Its slowly starting to slip away again but for a few days there I thought something was wrong I was inexplicably growing and I couldnt stop it - it was scary and I all those feelings I havent had for so long started creeping back just like the SOD I honestly felt over 100kg again I was so self conscious...

anyway, kids are up now and I really have to move back into mother mode so just quickly. Its school holidays and I'm like a caged tiger its raining I'm drinking too much snacking too much too frustrated at just about everything and I need to centre myself again and get back on the "Shaggs matters wagon" and I thought blogging about it might help. I need to be honest about all of this and not slip back into everything will be alright mode and gain 30 kg back again. I'll write more about this later this is really a very simplified version but just let it be known, I have to go on a "Diet" cut back or whatever and it aint easy on school holidays stuck at home and now i finally see the band doesnt fix everything - it helps but it doesnt do it on its own.

Happy Hour Happiness

Ok I've got shedloads to do, its school holidays, its happy hour in the house of Shaggs and I'm having an afternoon wine (whine) and I'm in charge of kids who aren't biologically mine so of course, what should I do..... BLOG! Of course I've always believed we're best under pressure (ahlah Salt and Pepper "Shoop") and if it wasnt for the last minute nothing would ever get done so of course lets shoot the shit and just say, today, I've been touched by fame......

If she ever reads this, I swear I'm not a stalker but I do have a lady/blogger crush on this particular blogger alas, though, it is from afar. This particular blogger is so incredibly followed and loved she is even mentioned in a famous blogger book she is truly blog royalty. No, I'm not going to tell you who it is part of me jealously doesnt want to share her and part of me doesnt want you all to know who floats my boat (of course you all do float my boat in so many ways and I crush on you all for different reasons but I, like, want to be this woman when I grow up!). She is so naturally freaking funny, so quirky so inventive, strange and fun I just love her outlook I love what she finds on the internet and honestly, if I could be arsed, I'd follow suit and try and rip off her ideas in some way, shape or form but life's too short.

So, point of the story is, I left ANOTHER comment on one of her posts knowing and believing full well that it will get shuffled off into blogland amongst the other million comments and that would be that. I know as I say this and tell this story I think of all my beautiful blog friends out there and how much I love you all and how much I dont comment on your blogs and how much I love your comments on my blog and how much I dont comment on your comments on my blog and I feel like a right mole but you guys I consider my friends and well, she is, she's.... famous! Why does that make it ok? it doesnt but I have no other reason for this ridiculousness. So my comment mentioned how she hasnt posted for a while and could she please come back. And.............

I GOT A PERSONAL RESPONSE IN MY INBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know how sad this is I truly know but man this woman is in another orbit. I'm sorry this STILL isnt explaining my position but anyway I've loved this womans blog since I started blogging two years ago (just as I have loved all the blogs I follow) and I truly cant believe I blipped on her radar. I dont know if its the kids whinging for food or water or my ADD or what but I've lost motivation and incentive here (maybe its because deep deep down I know you're clucking your tongues and thinking what a brainless moron I am and what would I do if Lindsay Lohan actually walked through the door) but I am honestly not a celeb junkie. I'm talking myself into a whole here just know that at 11.02 this morning for better or worse - my life changed and my existence on this strange planet we call earth was made just a little bit more special.

P.S. It doesnt really matter what she wrote ("Your comment just made me so happy" yes, her exact words!) I responded and I'm sure she now knows what a sad little creature I am but you only get one shot and in the words of our illustrious Eminem in his famous song "Lose Yourself"

"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo"

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go"

That song means so much to me (yeah, right Eminem good one shaggs I am so not a homey but that song resonates in me - getting sadder peeps!!) I'm going to stop here before things get worse just know that man I love you all so much and I miss every one of you when you dont blog for a while I'm going now to lose myself in the music....

Old Years Resolutions for the New Year

So it had to be done, its that time of year and I've been thinking about all this stuff anyway and I might as well turn my thoughts into some kind of strategy for the new year - in other words - my New Years Resolutions.

I must preface this by saying when you start thinking about all the shoulda coulda wouldas in your life and all of the areas that need improving its really important to remember to love and accept yourself just the way you are before you can bring in change and having said that heres a list of things i would like to "bring in" in the New Year (as opposed to the old one I'm currently in).

1. Exercise (again!) no really, I wanna go there I wanna move I wanna shake my wild thing

2. Get excited about life/career again. Find some direction and move in that direction. A plan perhaps?? I dont know its 5 in the morning here???

3. Cut back on the booze (again!) no really. Theres always a reason to drink I can barely find a reason not to and then I remember my health and long term effects so I really must cut back.

4. Actually do something about the above ideas

I've already lost focus and I havent even finished the list let alone got started on it.... bah New Years is still 2 days away plenty of time yet....

I wanna hear what other people would like to change or do differently maybe then I'll feel inspired???

The Summer of Shaggs (again)

Well hello ladies (and I'm not sure so I'll throw in) and gentleman! Wow, Christmas already hey?? Dont know where to start so lets start at - My band is my baby I love that little piece of plastic and nothing reminds me more of just how much I love it than a stinking hot sweaty Melbourne summer and I am feeling suprisingly cool and loving my clothes, splashing out in colour and just generally loving it! I still have weird flashback moments when I find myself thinking or feeling like I did thirty kilos ago and then I remember like waking up from a dream that that is not my reality anymore??!! Its wonderful and surreal and very cool and comfortable! So I cracked the 77kg which takes me dangerously close to the 160 pounds (is that important??? dont think so really the numbers are truly irrelevant when you feel good anyway) HOWEVER! Seriously seriously want to and need to get into some kind of excercise and I know I've been saying this for a while but now I feel the YEARNING so thats gotta be a step up does it not???

Now speaking of exercise, here I am on Hamilton Island in Queensland (missed Oprah by a day!!!) bashing it out at the pool. And by bashing it out I mean having drinks and food brought to me and having my first ever experience of sitting on a beach sipping a Pina Colada and no I am not being a sarcastic bitch when I say that i was actually sitting on a beach sipping a Pina Colada!! Noice! It was such a beautiful time made all the more beautiful for not feeling like a huge sweaty whale and buying two of the most exquisite dresses! (One is pictured) not the best shot but I just had to show you guys the kinds of colour and pattern I am relishing in in comparison to the "uniform" you see to the left - the black top and jeans and yes that was summer!!! Just my husband and I went to Hamilton Island as a 12 year wedding anniversary present and it was truly spectacular we had such a great time but it is hard to thud back to reality!

Has anybody got any tips to help me get back into the exercise thang??? I walk the dog everyday but thats just a leisurely stroll. I wake up early enough to go in the morning but do you think I could be arsed??? Nup! I really really really need this. I live very close to a beautiful beach and it seems I have a serious dose of what I call middle class syndrome and I just cant be arsed. Theres something to be said for adversity bringing out the best in people cause deadset I'm slacking off at the moment cause things are pretty damn good. Boo frigedity hoo!!

Love you all bloggers you have no idea how much each and every one of you "touch" me if only I left comments half the time but I do just love you all!!

Be good or good at it!

xxxx

Shaggs

PS following suit from last year and having a fill 3 days before christmas will certainly keep me in line. Should have had a fill about a month ago but have had alot on that I wanted to be relaxed for but now its all over and fill here I come!

Quick Pic Update

Just busting to get a pick or two so did it myself in the mirror anyhoo here it is..... No smoke and mirrors (well mirrors yes) taken at eye level and while wearing horizontal stripes (gasp!) and no my left boob is not smaller than the right just an optical illusion. Not the best pic but better than the attempt with the flash......

And thats me at 78kg (171pds) approx 18 months and 30kg post band and three weeks post gallbladder removal.

30kg (66 pounds) Gone Check In

OK I've stopped bitching now - ungrateful cow that I am. My digestive system is mellowing out and learning to live without a gall bladder although it is different to before I had a gall bladder but anyhow, I'll cope. I had a small set back last week with a secondary bleed and my port was hurting like hell so I checked in with my fill doctor he explained it all and its now fine. I even went back to Sydney for that visit - my husband surprised me one afternoon and said get packing and off we went with an hours notice and it was excellent!

Wait a minute - back to bitching - after 18 months of struggling with a band and losing weight by the drip method (lil by lil) finally people notice - I cant believe you have to lose 30kg (66 pounds) for anyone to notice and THEN they think its because of illness ie: my gallbladder. I've lost about 3kgs from having my gallbladder out.... and this is why we dont rely on exterior gratification cause when you most need it you wont get it and when you learn to live without it it comes flooding in. Its such a back handed compliment but I guess I'm gonna find the bad in just about anything at the moment. I am extremely stoked about the whole weightloss thing dont get me wrong its awesome and I love buying new clothes and dressing me up every morning but my inspiration has stalled and I dont feel like writing anymore - its school holidays and the car has broken down and dead set - that'd sap the energy out of anyone!

Bittersweet Victory

So, my gallbladder is gone and so too it seems are the few kilos I carry around and lose and gain repeatedly from one day to the next. I'm still swollen and sore from the surgery but the scales read 78.6 and my hands and feet and general extremities are showing sinew I never knew I had. Happy Days!

Or are they??

As is want to happen in this shithole they call life you receive one wish fulfilled only to find another, usually harder to attain, wish surface on the scar the last one left behind. You see not having a gallbladder is kinda not just all weightloss and sinew it pretty much means if I eat fat or anything over a certain kilojoule amount per day I STILL have pain despite not having the organ that causes the said pain. How, you might ask?? Well, the gallbladder catches alot of the bile the liver pumps out when you eat something fatty or have a high kilojoule day (any kind of excess really) and when the liver does this massive overload now and the gallbladder aint there to regulate things it hurts your body especially the little healing ducts that have been chopped up. The flush of bile also causes diarrhea and the diarreah causes constipation the constipation causes pelvic congestion the congestion pushes on the now multitude of scars on my stomach and abdominal lining and I am one uncomfortable little camper. I may have only eaten maybe 200grams of food today but I am bloated and sore like I have eaten a full roast dinner dessert and all. All of this is OK if I eat tiny (cant eat too much of anything at all cause of all the scars pushing and hurting) little low joule amounts - as I should have learnt already with the band but this is the band on steroids this is no messing around this is like putting in two bands one to control quantity and one to control quality. And let me tell you this is shit!!!!!!!!!!

IN THE EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I can hear you all "its early days yet" (gallbladder only came out a week ago today) "its good for you" "its a blessing in disguise" etc etc etc but I am still going through the many stages of grief at the moment its 1.30 in the morning here and I'm uncomfortable just sitting at the desk. I am grieving and pining and spewing (aussie slang for really got the shits) and i just want my life back!!!!!! Where is the next health issue going to pop up?? I was so blind sided by this one. If I ignore the pain will the bad eating go to my heart next?? Is that where I'm headed??? I'm tired of operating this thing they call a body in this place they call earth its just too freakin hard sometimes. So why get your gallbladder out if the problem persists?? Its almost purely so the problem doesnt accelerate to the next level which is liver or pancreatic life threatening situations.

This is just shit.

I feel so sorry for myself. I am seriously a spoilt child chucking a tantrum right now. I have been going so good this week just focusing on getting over the operation and I was back at it and on full duties within 4 days. Its school holidays here next week and I was planning a driving trip back to Sydney to see everyone I love (nice thing to do when you feel like crap) but I have to do the driving alone and I just cant imagine sitting in that seat for that long (Its a 12 hour drive) and even with breaks etc etc I know I'm not up for it. My selfish prick of a husband was going to fly to sydney next weekend and drive us home but he doesnt want to so now I have to contact everyone tomorrow and tell them its all off and I just dont know how to say it - we've all been so excited about the trip it was all that was getting me through this week and now I know I cant do it and its 2am and I cant ring anyone or talk to anyone so sorry guys - you've copped it! I am now lost for words I want to keep typing so I feel like I'm with someone like someone is listening like someone is close by but theres just nothing left to say. Love youse all.

My Gallbladder is GONE!!!!

Straight from holidays and into hospital and last Thursday night my gallbladder was removed in a very similar operation to the lapband. More to come just still a little hard to sit in one place for a period of time. Stay tuned!! Love youse all!!!!

My Own Personal Xanadu

Hellloooooooooooo blogland! In the words of our illustrious Everything But the Girl - "and I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain"! I may not have been posting but I have been voyeuristically keeping up with all of my blogger buddies even if I dont always comment (or I do and then press the wrong button and it doesnt get posted!) Loving Amy (The Land of Cheese and Sunkist), Drazil, Lonicera, Nola, Nene and the list goes on and on. If it wasnt for you guys I kinda dont know if it would feel like I have any friends??? Its kinda sad too when I talk about "my friends" in everyday conversation and I've actually never met any of you but I think we all know each other better than our "real life" friends.

So, heres a short recap of my life for the past three months:

1. Hit the 80.0 mark about two weeks ago and have been hanging around 80 - 81 ever since but I'll get back to that.

2. Africa was AMAZING!!!! Will never ever forget it!!! Life is for living and seeing this amazing world not for working and scrimping and saving every cent to be kidded into believing you own a very small piece of land with some bricks and concrete on it. With that belief in mind we are off to Queensland for some summer loving in 10 days cause this Melbourne winter has been toooooooo long!!

3. Have a very full and complete understanding of my weight loss, eating and metabolic cycles and thus - am not anxious about teetering around the same weight for a few weeks cause thats what I do and before you know it I will be living in the 70's. With this in mind I have also come to the conclusion that, for now, the band has taken me as far as I can go and I have to start pulling some weight of my own (think I've been saying that for a while now!!?!?)

4. I freaking love myself and my band. Love Love Love!!!! I have never felt so good physically and psychologically. This photo was taken while we were out on a family trip to the aquarium and I feel it really captures the sense of joy and freedom I feel at the moment. You see, family days out have always been very fraught for me. I never knew what to wear or how to look and I always felt insecure around other mums especially in the city cause you get all the uber mums who are so damn gorgeous and fashionable in an "our house is full of Alessi" kinda way. Quite often too my husband would get depressed looking at other peoples wives and all up we'd just have some shit times - the day itself with the kids etc would be great - but there'd be a horrible bad taste in our mouths at the end at how shabby and inadequate we both felt. Shit - I know - but thats reality. And I also know you shouldnt let husbands treat you that way and make you feel shite for being you but I allowed it and that kinda shows you where I was at that time. Anyhow, now, I just feel gorgeous! I'm not thinking about food all day while we're out, I love what I wear and sad and gross but true, I get power from my husband fawning all over me and picking me out of the crowd as the MILF. Sick, yes but thats me now. Its not how I power my entire life but damn it, I've spent too many years as the sad frumpy mum to not take some delight in looking and feeling this way.

5. Summers a comin! And I'm feeling a little wobbly in the jiggly bits so I have been gently incorporating walking into my life I know I really need to hit the gym as I know I can get myself to a point where very little moves and god I love Amy (Land of Cheese and Sunkist) working out like a demon (but I also know when you've got a hot Personal Trainer its that much easier!). Part of me does crave it - I do love to sweat it out so maybe I should bite the bullet!? Its sounding better by the minute........

6. Just bought size 14 (US size 10) jeans and I mean TRUE size 14 from a shop for under 25's. Speechless. Oh and the jeans I am pictured in at the left as one of my "before the really fat days and the last time I tried to seriously diet (77kgs)" photos now fit me. The moment when they slid up my legs and did up was truly a spiritual moving moment (i just wrote that it was like looking into your baby's eyes for the first time but i deleted it for fear of some seriously well deserved harsh judgment but it was a pretty special moment)

7. I do hate blogging sometimes - I always seem to come out sounding like I'm blowing my own trumpet and its kinda tedious to hear but one of these days soon I'll post when I'm in a stinker of a mood - it can be pretty descriptive and kinda funny. So anyway, not all is roses and sunshine and I have been having my annual "reassess your life" period where everything kinda seems a bit shite but I have to say the good times are once again outweighing the bad. We have been here in Melbourne for a year now and the severe loneliness is no longer however I would like a greater range of people to hang with I pretty much spend 99% of my time with my seriously dysfunctional bestie and I do love her but even she's having dreams at night of her husband telling her we need to see less of each other. My husband is still looking earnestly for work in Queensland and right now I'm bored and ready to go again. I dont think I'll ever feel really settled or rooted to a place like I did in Sydney - that part of my heart has been broken now, nothing much could really do any more damage than that now.

Anyhoo more to come (i know i've said that before) but I really will try to stay on it now (i've said that too)....

The 100th post episode

100th

POST!!!

Sick of looking at that picture of me posing and dont have time for more than this

but I do love youse all!!

P.S. I weighed in at 83.0kg

P.S.S Going to Africa next week and thanks to my band I shouldnt get

confused for a stray hippo in the pool

20kg, 50 pounds but who's splitting hairs???

So once again a quickety quick post to celebrate the official loss of 20kg. Well, its kinda 20kg since my own first notings of weight since deciding to do this whole band thang but the doctors have 106kg on record so its 23kg and I know for a fact I got up to 107kg but anyway as far as this blog is concerned its 20kg!!!!! (sorry, 44pounds on blogger record and 50 pounds on doctors records either way I dont give a shite cause I am stoked!!!)

This is not the best pic of me ( I broke all rules and wore a white bra under black clothes and I'm all pink and blothchy from pissing on but I really dont give a poop I never thought I'd wear a lil black dress and knee high boots so I'm gonna celebrate it!

After 12 months and 20kgs heres a few things I have learnt:

1. I have just had another fill and with every fill I learnt something new. If you are experiencing pain when food goes down chances are you are not tight enough. Yes, you heard me you need to be tighter!!! Can you believe it?? You see as you get tighter the food goes down slower so then less pain BUT!!! You have to really stick to the rules and really, you have no choice BUT to stick to the rules. The only thing you need to remember is to eat slowly and everything else is taken care of via the band. If you are struggling with quantity and thinking about food and still killing yourself then your band is not tight enough!!! I h

ave learnt this throughout the last few fills. Number one rule you have to control is not to eat too fast and number two is dont eat about 2 hours before bed at least (or you'll see your food again through the night - not pretty). If you are still relying on will power and self control your band is not nearly tight enough.

2. Fluid tablets will get you through those really tight days of the month. One every couple of days is enough and only on the days you need them.

3. The band is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I still eat whatever I want but just a little bit of it the bad behaviour like scoffing and eating

massive gorging meals is completely eliminated with the band as is most really bad carbs like bread and pasta (altho you can have them but they're slow and not really worth it). I seriously dont feel deprived from the good things at all.

4. I would recommend ANYONE to get a band. My heart goes out to all the girls out there who kill themselves over quantity and will power etc who are slaves to food and the obsession of it - its a prison. And this is heaven. I could never have done this AGAIN without a band (yes I've lost the same 20kg and gained it back again and again and now I know this is it!). I love it!!! I am wearing ANYTHING i want and i feel fabulous!!! I have the energy to exercise and the love and respect for myself to want the best for me including healthful foods and a healthy

lifestyle. I am a born again girl! And heres my new boots to prove it!!!

I have always dreamt of wearing knee high boots and a little black skirt and I cried when I found these boots and I wear them like a girl on a mission they do things to me on a soul level.

I urge anyone out there considering a band or having written off the idea of a band to talk to someone who knows. The reality is SOOOOO different to the uneducated, freaky preconceived ideas we have about banding. I have family who have expressed their concerns despite my obvious happiness and looking fab and once I talked to them and educated them on how it actually is (my sister didnt even know it was reversible!!!!! but even if the thing popped through my chest and poked my eyes out I would still have it put back in).

Anyhoo enough preaching, lovin life, going to Africa on safari 22nd May with the family - should be fun even though its way outside my safety zone. Love youse all, follow you all even if I dont comment - my day isnt the same unless I've checked in on you all! Thank you for being a part of one of the most amazing stages of my life!

Pics Glorious Pics

So this is how my kitchen looks this morning and yet here I am flagrantly shootin the shit on my blog for the love and laughter of my blogger biatches. I am acutely aware that I have not blogged for some time and I am way overdue so here I am for another quickie post cause I am also acutely aware that at 3.30pm today my father in law is arriving for a visit from Queensland. My Third and final realisation this morning is that my father in law is certifiably obsessive compulsively clean (you might think "yay he can clean the kitchen") but no he is one of those judgemental OCD people who doesnt change the world for themselves but expects others to appropriate the world for them and while I am not going to go on a total cleaning frenzy and disinfect the lounge suite I will be doing something about the toilet roll on the kitchen bench as I can see why that might be a health hazard.

So, for your viewing pleasure here is a short pictorial of what I have been up to for the past month (or two).

We have been doing alot of card playing of late and my stoopid (lovably so) bestie thinks I have the advantage because of the Ooger Boogers so she thought it would be appropriate to cover her head in alfoil and do the Vulcan live long and prosper sign in order to ward off unwanted spirits who might want to help me win black jack. Needless to say - I still won. I have an affinity with Jacks (since doing a reading for a very powerful spirit called Jack). I got two Jacks and split them and then got dealt two more jacks for each other jack so yes I cleaned up. Thank you Jack.

Can I just say that I hate this blogspot is crap cause this is supposed to be the last pic but no its the first and I cant change that cause blogspot is CRAP!!!!! Its head lice season in Melbourne and this is me and my bestie delousing on valentines day. There is no better way to say you love someone than to pick nits out of their hair and give them a supportive hug even though they smell like kero.

I got trashed on my birthday. Do ya like the make up my BFF gave me? Things can get a little boring around here so sometimes I like to dress up and add a lil Shaggs spice to the mix. (Did I mention my five year old now calls me Shaggs?)
This is me bustin a move at Love Machine an ace (Melbourne word for tops) gay club in Prahan. This is my partner in crime my neice (yes she is over 18 I am a young aunty) she was down from Sydney for my birthday and we left the town in tatters.

I have a small problem and that is - when I've had a few bevvies I cant help but smack arses and hump legs. Aren't y'all lucky ur just my cyber friends????

Now I would love to continue this pic fest but quite frankly THIS pitiful effort has taken me an hour and I'm seriously un-zen in a f^&*(d off kind of way.

I love youse all.

The Pre-Post Post

I swear to god there's a post coming. I desperately have to update some photos (both here and on facebook) and I naively believe that for the next two weeks during our Aussie Easter School Holidays I will get heaps of time to post (ha!). But I will. I swear.

I have sooooo much news to share first and foremost:

1. I am the proud new owner of the most dazzlingly gorgeous spectacular knee high leather boots. I feel like a crazy hot arse sexy goddess stompin around in those babies. I nearly cried in the middle of Myer when I found them and they fit - I seriously had a major moment and I sent great prayers of praise to the lap band goddess herself. Far out I love this thing.

2. 85.2kg enough said

3. I am doing readings like a crazy lady purely by referrals only -lovin it - its goin off!

4. Melbourne is beyond description. Its sunny with a little cool breeze, not a hint of humidity and 31 degrees and its MARCH! Freakin love this place.

5. This band thing is paying off in the biggest way and I found out one of the ladies in the office at school has one and we're going to meetings together some time soon. I am shopping in normal shops and wearing clothes I never thought I would I am getting comments all over the place (I am a compliment slut - I'll take them wherever I can get them from whoever (except myself) sad - I know) I am all over the shop with love and wonderfulness for this thing. Freakin love it!

6. Love my blogger friends even tho I'm a bad blogger friend. Thank you all for keeping me amused even tho I'm not amusing you all.

Theres more - I swear its coming plus top pics and I think its time for a new blog skin..... I'm off a browsin....

The Love (or evil) that Dare Not Speak Its Name - Zantac

I would just love to keep on keepin on with the bloggin thang so here's all the shite - boring tidbits and all.

1. For the first time in a long time I am kinda outta control with the eating?? Very strange sensation. And I think I know the culprit. I have discovered Zantac. This is a pretty high potency antacid and whenever I take one its like my band does not exist. I can pretty much eat anything and these babies have 12 hour effectiveness so you're completely farked for a day!!!!! What!!!!! I discovered them by accident when far too much champagne and spicy food caused me to feel a "little uncomfortable". Now this would be a good thing if you know you're going for a special meal or a smorgo but man, I feel like a very wrong lil person right about now. I should NOT know this. And neither should you so forget everything I just told you....

2. I am sitting on an all time low. Sticking to the 86's (86 kgs or 189 pounds yes still a fattie) but I'm stoked but not sure how long the stokedness is going to last considering the Zantac effect and all.

3. Call me sad but this week I have found validation in the fact that I have found myself the recipient of four (4) blogger awards. Thats farkin amazing!!!! I may not have many "real life" friends but man, you cyber pals are GOING OFF!!!! I am going to address this issue in my next post but right now I have had too much chardonnary (wow that was my REAL spelling attempt) and cant track all the beautiful people I want to mention and cant risk leaving anyone out - you're all so freakin awesome and the reason I get online everyday. Just get another chardonnary before I continue.....

4. Dont have another fill til 20th April - enough said

5. Going into Zantac rehab as of tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on the DT's, sweats, stuck episodes and PBing.

6. Dont go near Zantac - very evil stuff - the band you're having when you're not having a band.

7. I have discovered this over the past week my research is detailed and conclusive - avoid Zantac at all costs!!!!! (depending on the desired outcome)

8. My research has made me wonder how much of my restriction is real "fill" and how much is swelling and bad reactions.... mmmmm.... interesting???

9. I have been reading over my blog to see what those 4 people found appealing and actually, many of the dreams I have dreamt in this forum have come true! thank you OGB's!! I read out my request for a new friend to my new friend (BFF for the past 6 months can you believe I've been in Melbourne for over 7 months) and we laughed at how perfectly the OGB's got it. She was tailored made for me! Love her!

10. And last but not least - I really have nothing to say..... best thing in my life at the moment is that my baby (AKA Damien) started school 4 weeks ago and I am Shaggs of the Eternally Luxurious. I have been doing readings but mostly, just going for massages coffees lunches etc etc. I am lovng my life. After 11 years of suffering some form of morning sickness, sleep deprivation, mastitis, toddler tantrums, playgroups and bored 4 year olds I am FREE AS A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!! Well, from 9 - 3.30 4 days a week til mid march. AND LOVING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. 5 Can someone please explain how the fark they watch Cougar Town???????

I really love you all ( thats not the chardonnary speaking) and I'll show you all in my next post I promise (fark I'm a drunk naughty concillatory husband!). I think one of the reasons I'm holding off doing my blog awards is because quite a few of the blogs I love dont even know I'm alive.... its unrequieted blog love..... poor me I'm just one of their 4 bagillion followers (bring on the paralysing chardonnary).... oi lurrrve u allllll.....

My shit blog wont insert a funny picture about what a reject I am..... thats how rejected I AM!

Where will it all end?????

Yes a year came and went. Yes I saw 86kg on the dot today - in the words of our lovely Nene - just a bowel movement away from 85kg! And it seems my boobs are getting bigger. Yep - an 18 - 20 DD translates to a 14 F! Yes F. I've told you before the gagongas just keep on keeping on and now its confirmed. I was wrestled and counselled and fitted at the local Bra's n Things and I walked out with five 14F bras with undies to match. Yes thats F. F for freakin fabulous. Farkin fantastic. Freakishly foolishly F cup femme fatale! Yep thats me. So where are we when (if) we get to size eight?? G H or maybe M cup for "My God! Magnificent M Mammaries"!!???? Will there be room in the bed??? Will my children recognise me? Will people stop me in the streets to feed their starving children???

By the way - this woman is NOT actually me. Yes it looks like me - like - EXACTLY! No I do not have a twin sister no I have not been "paparazzied" while vacationing in Cannes.

This is NOT me.

I've got MUCH worse pics of me in a cozzie.

The Perfect Sunset

Sorry, just had to post this I'm so bored with seeing my fat calf in a too small boot every time I open internet explorer.

Cue elevator music (instrumental "Girl from Impanema") and for your viewing pleasure......

this is sunset at our local beach...... (thats my 3 babies - their blog debut!)

I just never get tired of looking at this picture.......

It stirs something inside me in a way that (for once in my life) food just cannot do.......

Everyone rubbishes Melbourne for its weather etc but man, this is God's country! Best kept secret in Australia - no one would EVER know Melbourne has dazzling crystal clear beaches that compete only with the Whitsundays. And summer is GLORIOUS! All the heat of the tropical areas (like Sydney and Queensland) but with none of the humidity. This is the first summer in about 12 years I havent gained weight - I'm not bloated and swollen and dehydrated from constant sweating.

Life is truly beautiful! Remember - sometimes your dreams come true in the way you least expect them to!

These boots were made for walking

Just a lil Monday morning love for you all! I've been catching up on some of my blog sistas and it just inspired me to have a little go!

I was just commenting on Nene's post (Fatness to Fitness) and I realised how different this journey is for everyone and even for the same person on a different day or time of the month etc etc. The band is as random as life itself! What one can eat another cant what I can eat today I cant eat tomorrow - its very peculiar! I'm pretty loose at the moment but I havent been abusing that. I'm not anymore hungry but a wider variety of foods go down which is all working quite nicely. I do however have an appointment with my cowboy doctor on 9th Feb and I'm looking forward to getting jacked up tight again (its kind of addictive once you've been there). I swear all you girls out there - if you're eating too much and getting hungry etc etc go and get a fill - I know it seems like a patronising thing to say but really - I spent too long farting around without enough fill and now that I know what this is shit is about man, go get a fill and THEN you'll know you're alive!!! I love it!

I've heard some interesting stories from around the traps about some unusal outcomes. One woman who was going great guns and had lost about 26kgs in a year or so has put what looks like about half of it back on cause her pouch has stretched! Interesting! I would have thought it was less about what your pouch can hold and more about what can fit comfortably through the hole???? Yes? No? Anyone else heard of this? I never got to ask her what happens from here and I'm trying to track her down. I'll keep you all posted. She was good at following all the rules too - or was she good at saying she was following the rules???? Hmmmm.......

So we're coming up to the one year anniversary for Shaggs (why the third person? The randomness of life I guess?) and I would REALLY love to just hit 20kgs lost (which requires another 3kg in my books although my doctor has 106kg recorded so he already thinks I've reached 20 kgs - whatever!) Maybe just to hit the 85 mark and be on the downhill run to the 70's???? Who knows who cares. All I know is that occaisionally some old memories and thoughts of a year ago come back to haunt me and I just cant believe how much I hated myself and the situation I was in. The torment around food!!

We went to Luna Park yesterday and I know for a fact I wouldnt have fit in half the rides I went on yesterday. I used to go on things and then awkwardly clamber out at the end of the ride and I could just feel everyone's disgust and repressed laughter at the fat chick and what the hell did she think she was doing. Yesterday I ran around like a teenager from one ride to another and not once did I question my ability to fit in a seat or belt. I saw quite a few women and girls who would have been me this time last year and man can I feel their pain. I just wish everyone could afford to get some help with obesity. We all have access to anti depressants, allergy medications, pain relief and the list goes on but not all of us can get the help we REALLY need for obesity. Everyone takes something to help them along when things aren't physically great but what can a food addict do??? The band has pushed aside all of the self imposed restrictions and problems I had when it came to dieting and has given me the best helping hand ever. It may have taken me a year to understand that the band is a diet tool and an aid in the fight against food addiction just like an anti depressant is to depression - we still have to do some work ourselves but the band makes it possible for us to be motiviated and inspired. When all the pain and self sabotage and the ability to abuse ourselves is gone - we can move on and help ourselves.

So on that note, I have put a bra on and taken a photo of myself on my baby - my treadmill! And while I was there I thought I'd take a shot of me in my chaff resistant bike shorts! I have another goal which is to lose 8cm off my calves so I fit into my beautiful Sandra Miller boots my husband bought me about 2 years ago. Whe I first got them they didnt do up AT ALL not one centremetre so its looking good. If I was taller and the biggest part of my calf was up higher where the boot is at its widest all would be good but alas, short fat shaggy must somehow melt 8cm off her industrial strength, built-for-business-not-beauty, Helga the Hungarian Hammer Thrower calves. So a walkin we must go! Nola and all my other lil doggie friends out there - notice the cute little puppy with the while ankle boot in the background oooh he's so cute!

Can I just say how shit the layout crap shit is on bogspot???? Check out the layout of these pics and text??? and if I try to change anything pictures just disappear??? Its crap!