My Own Personal Xanadu

Hellloooooooooooo blogland! In the words of our illustrious Everything But the Girl - "and I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain"! I may not have been posting but I have been voyeuristically keeping up with all of my blogger buddies even if I dont always comment (or I do and then press the wrong button and it doesnt get posted!) Loving Amy (The Land of Cheese and Sunkist), Drazil, Lonicera, Nola, Nene and the list goes on and on. If it wasnt for you guys I kinda dont know if it would feel like I have any friends??? Its kinda sad too when I talk about "my friends" in everyday conversation and I've actually never met any of you but I think we all know each other better than our "real life" friends.

So, heres a short recap of my life for the past three months:

1. Hit the 80.0 mark about two weeks ago and have been hanging around 80 - 81 ever since but I'll get back to that.

2. Africa was AMAZING!!!! Will never ever forget it!!! Life is for living and seeing this amazing world not for working and scrimping and saving every cent to be kidded into believing you own a very small piece of land with some bricks and concrete on it. With that belief in mind we are off to Queensland for some summer loving in 10 days cause this Melbourne winter has been toooooooo long!!

3. Have a very full and complete understanding of my weight loss, eating and metabolic cycles and thus - am not anxious about teetering around the same weight for a few weeks cause thats what I do and before you know it I will be living in the 70's. With this in mind I have also come to the conclusion that, for now, the band has taken me as far as I can go and I have to start pulling some weight of my own (think I've been saying that for a while now!!?!?)

4. I freaking love myself and my band. Love Love Love!!!! I have never felt so good physically and psychologically. This photo was taken while we were out on a family trip to the aquarium and I feel it really captures the sense of joy and freedom I feel at the moment. You see, family days out have always been very fraught for me. I never knew what to wear or how to look and I always felt insecure around other mums especially in the city cause you get all the uber mums who are so damn gorgeous and fashionable in an "our house is full of Alessi" kinda way. Quite often too my husband would get depressed looking at other peoples wives and all up we'd just have some shit times - the day itself with the kids etc would be great - but there'd be a horrible bad taste in our mouths at the end at how shabby and inadequate we both felt. Shit - I know - but thats reality. And I also know you shouldnt let husbands treat you that way and make you feel shite for being you but I allowed it and that kinda shows you where I was at that time. Anyhow, now, I just feel gorgeous! I'm not thinking about food all day while we're out, I love what I wear and sad and gross but true, I get power from my husband fawning all over me and picking me out of the crowd as the MILF. Sick, yes but thats me now. Its not how I power my entire life but damn it, I've spent too many years as the sad frumpy mum to not take some delight in looking and feeling this way.

5. Summers a comin! And I'm feeling a little wobbly in the jiggly bits so I have been gently incorporating walking into my life I know I really need to hit the gym as I know I can get myself to a point where very little moves and god I love Amy (Land of Cheese and Sunkist) working out like a demon (but I also know when you've got a hot Personal Trainer its that much easier!). Part of me does crave it - I do love to sweat it out so maybe I should bite the bullet!? Its sounding better by the minute........

6. Just bought size 14 (US size 10) jeans and I mean TRUE size 14 from a shop for under 25's. Speechless. Oh and the jeans I am pictured in at the left as one of my "before the really fat days and the last time I tried to seriously diet (77kgs)" photos now fit me. The moment when they slid up my legs and did up was truly a spiritual moving moment (i just wrote that it was like looking into your baby's eyes for the first time but i deleted it for fear of some seriously well deserved harsh judgment but it was a pretty special moment)

7. I do hate blogging sometimes - I always seem to come out sounding like I'm blowing my own trumpet and its kinda tedious to hear but one of these days soon I'll post when I'm in a stinker of a mood - it can be pretty descriptive and kinda funny. So anyway, not all is roses and sunshine and I have been having my annual "reassess your life" period where everything kinda seems a bit shite but I have to say the good times are once again outweighing the bad. We have been here in Melbourne for a year now and the severe loneliness is no longer however I would like a greater range of people to hang with I pretty much spend 99% of my time with my seriously dysfunctional bestie and I do love her but even she's having dreams at night of her husband telling her we need to see less of each other. My husband is still looking earnestly for work in Queensland and right now I'm bored and ready to go again. I dont think I'll ever feel really settled or rooted to a place like I did in Sydney - that part of my heart has been broken now, nothing much could really do any more damage than that now.

Anyhoo more to come (i know i've said that before) but I really will try to stay on it now (i've said that too)....

The 100th post episode

100th

POST!!!

Sick of looking at that picture of me posing and dont have time for more than this

but I do love youse all!!

P.S. I weighed in at 83.0kg

P.S.S Going to Africa next week and thanks to my band I shouldnt get

confused for a stray hippo in the pool

20kg, 50 pounds but who's splitting hairs???

So once again a quickety quick post to celebrate the official loss of 20kg. Well, its kinda 20kg since my own first notings of weight since deciding to do this whole band thang but the doctors have 106kg on record so its 23kg and I know for a fact I got up to 107kg but anyway as far as this blog is concerned its 20kg!!!!! (sorry, 44pounds on blogger record and 50 pounds on doctors records either way I dont give a shite cause I am stoked!!!)

This is not the best pic of me ( I broke all rules and wore a white bra under black clothes and I'm all pink and blothchy from pissing on but I really dont give a poop I never thought I'd wear a lil black dress and knee high boots so I'm gonna celebrate it!

After 12 months and 20kgs heres a few things I have learnt:

1. I have just had another fill and with every fill I learnt something new. If you are experiencing pain when food goes down chances are you are not tight enough. Yes, you heard me you need to be tighter!!! Can you believe it?? You see as you get tighter the food goes down slower so then less pain BUT!!! You have to really stick to the rules and really, you have no choice BUT to stick to the rules. The only thing you need to remember is to eat slowly and everything else is taken care of via the band. If you are struggling with quantity and thinking about food and still killing yourself then your band is not tight enough!!! I h

ave learnt this throughout the last few fills. Number one rule you have to control is not to eat too fast and number two is dont eat about 2 hours before bed at least (or you'll see your food again through the night - not pretty). If you are still relying on will power and self control your band is not nearly tight enough.

2. Fluid tablets will get you through those really tight days of the month. One every couple of days is enough and only on the days you need them.

3. The band is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I still eat whatever I want but just a little bit of it the bad behaviour like scoffing and eating

massive gorging meals is completely eliminated with the band as is most really bad carbs like bread and pasta (altho you can have them but they're slow and not really worth it). I seriously dont feel deprived from the good things at all.

4. I would recommend ANYONE to get a band. My heart goes out to all the girls out there who kill themselves over quantity and will power etc who are slaves to food and the obsession of it - its a prison. And this is heaven. I could never have done this AGAIN without a band (yes I've lost the same 20kg and gained it back again and again and now I know this is it!). I love it!!! I am wearing ANYTHING i want and i feel fabulous!!! I have the energy to exercise and the love and respect for myself to want the best for me including healthful foods and a healthy

lifestyle. I am a born again girl! And heres my new boots to prove it!!!

I have always dreamt of wearing knee high boots and a little black skirt and I cried when I found these boots and I wear them like a girl on a mission they do things to me on a soul level.

I urge anyone out there considering a band or having written off the idea of a band to talk to someone who knows. The reality is SOOOOO different to the uneducated, freaky preconceived ideas we have about banding. I have family who have expressed their concerns despite my obvious happiness and looking fab and once I talked to them and educated them on how it actually is (my sister didnt even know it was reversible!!!!! but even if the thing popped through my chest and poked my eyes out I would still have it put back in).

Anyhoo enough preaching, lovin life, going to Africa on safari 22nd May with the family - should be fun even though its way outside my safety zone. Love youse all, follow you all even if I dont comment - my day isnt the same unless I've checked in on you all! Thank you for being a part of one of the most amazing stages of my life!

Pics Glorious Pics

So this is how my kitchen looks this morning and yet here I am flagrantly shootin the shit on my blog for the love and laughter of my blogger biatches. I am acutely aware that I have not blogged for some time and I am way overdue so here I am for another quickie post cause I am also acutely aware that at 3.30pm today my father in law is arriving for a visit from Queensland. My Third and final realisation this morning is that my father in law is certifiably obsessive compulsively clean (you might think "yay he can clean the kitchen") but no he is one of those judgemental OCD people who doesnt change the world for themselves but expects others to appropriate the world for them and while I am not going to go on a total cleaning frenzy and disinfect the lounge suite I will be doing something about the toilet roll on the kitchen bench as I can see why that might be a health hazard.

So, for your viewing pleasure here is a short pictorial of what I have been up to for the past month (or two).

We have been doing alot of card playing of late and my stoopid (lovably so) bestie thinks I have the advantage because of the Ooger Boogers so she thought it would be appropriate to cover her head in alfoil and do the Vulcan live long and prosper sign in order to ward off unwanted spirits who might want to help me win black jack. Needless to say - I still won. I have an affinity with Jacks (since doing a reading for a very powerful spirit called Jack). I got two Jacks and split them and then got dealt two more jacks for each other jack so yes I cleaned up. Thank you Jack.

Can I just say that I hate this blogspot is crap cause this is supposed to be the last pic but no its the first and I cant change that cause blogspot is CRAP!!!!! Its head lice season in Melbourne and this is me and my bestie delousing on valentines day. There is no better way to say you love someone than to pick nits out of their hair and give them a supportive hug even though they smell like kero.

I got trashed on my birthday. Do ya like the make up my BFF gave me? Things can get a little boring around here so sometimes I like to dress up and add a lil Shaggs spice to the mix. (Did I mention my five year old now calls me Shaggs?)
This is me bustin a move at Love Machine an ace (Melbourne word for tops) gay club in Prahan. This is my partner in crime my neice (yes she is over 18 I am a young aunty) she was down from Sydney for my birthday and we left the town in tatters.

I have a small problem and that is - when I've had a few bevvies I cant help but smack arses and hump legs. Aren't y'all lucky ur just my cyber friends????

Now I would love to continue this pic fest but quite frankly THIS pitiful effort has taken me an hour and I'm seriously un-zen in a f^&*(d off kind of way.

I love youse all.

The Pre-Post Post

I swear to god there's a post coming. I desperately have to update some photos (both here and on facebook) and I naively believe that for the next two weeks during our Aussie Easter School Holidays I will get heaps of time to post (ha!). But I will. I swear.

I have sooooo much news to share first and foremost:

1. I am the proud new owner of the most dazzlingly gorgeous spectacular knee high leather boots. I feel like a crazy hot arse sexy goddess stompin around in those babies. I nearly cried in the middle of Myer when I found them and they fit - I seriously had a major moment and I sent great prayers of praise to the lap band goddess herself. Far out I love this thing.

2. 85.2kg enough said

3. I am doing readings like a crazy lady purely by referrals only -lovin it - its goin off!

4. Melbourne is beyond description. Its sunny with a little cool breeze, not a hint of humidity and 31 degrees and its MARCH! Freakin love this place.

5. This band thing is paying off in the biggest way and I found out one of the ladies in the office at school has one and we're going to meetings together some time soon. I am shopping in normal shops and wearing clothes I never thought I would I am getting comments all over the place (I am a compliment slut - I'll take them wherever I can get them from whoever (except myself) sad - I know) I am all over the shop with love and wonderfulness for this thing. Freakin love it!

6. Love my blogger friends even tho I'm a bad blogger friend. Thank you all for keeping me amused even tho I'm not amusing you all.

Theres more - I swear its coming plus top pics and I think its time for a new blog skin..... I'm off a browsin....

The Love (or evil) that Dare Not Speak Its Name - Zantac

I would just love to keep on keepin on with the bloggin thang so here's all the shite - boring tidbits and all.

1. For the first time in a long time I am kinda outta control with the eating?? Very strange sensation. And I think I know the culprit. I have discovered Zantac. This is a pretty high potency antacid and whenever I take one its like my band does not exist. I can pretty much eat anything and these babies have 12 hour effectiveness so you're completely farked for a day!!!!! What!!!!! I discovered them by accident when far too much champagne and spicy food caused me to feel a "little uncomfortable". Now this would be a good thing if you know you're going for a special meal or a smorgo but man, I feel like a very wrong lil person right about now. I should NOT know this. And neither should you so forget everything I just told you....

2. I am sitting on an all time low. Sticking to the 86's (86 kgs or 189 pounds yes still a fattie) but I'm stoked but not sure how long the stokedness is going to last considering the Zantac effect and all.

3. Call me sad but this week I have found validation in the fact that I have found myself the recipient of four (4) blogger awards. Thats farkin amazing!!!! I may not have many "real life" friends but man, you cyber pals are GOING OFF!!!! I am going to address this issue in my next post but right now I have had too much chardonnary (wow that was my REAL spelling attempt) and cant track all the beautiful people I want to mention and cant risk leaving anyone out - you're all so freakin awesome and the reason I get online everyday. Just get another chardonnary before I continue.....

4. Dont have another fill til 20th April - enough said

5. Going into Zantac rehab as of tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on the DT's, sweats, stuck episodes and PBing.

6. Dont go near Zantac - very evil stuff - the band you're having when you're not having a band.

7. I have discovered this over the past week my research is detailed and conclusive - avoid Zantac at all costs!!!!! (depending on the desired outcome)

8. My research has made me wonder how much of my restriction is real "fill" and how much is swelling and bad reactions.... mmmmm.... interesting???

9. I have been reading over my blog to see what those 4 people found appealing and actually, many of the dreams I have dreamt in this forum have come true! thank you OGB's!! I read out my request for a new friend to my new friend (BFF for the past 6 months can you believe I've been in Melbourne for over 7 months) and we laughed at how perfectly the OGB's got it. She was tailored made for me! Love her!

10. And last but not least - I really have nothing to say..... best thing in my life at the moment is that my baby (AKA Damien) started school 4 weeks ago and I am Shaggs of the Eternally Luxurious. I have been doing readings but mostly, just going for massages coffees lunches etc etc. I am lovng my life. After 11 years of suffering some form of morning sickness, sleep deprivation, mastitis, toddler tantrums, playgroups and bored 4 year olds I am FREE AS A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!! Well, from 9 - 3.30 4 days a week til mid march. AND LOVING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. 5 Can someone please explain how the fark they watch Cougar Town???????

I really love you all ( thats not the chardonnary speaking) and I'll show you all in my next post I promise (fark I'm a drunk naughty concillatory husband!). I think one of the reasons I'm holding off doing my blog awards is because quite a few of the blogs I love dont even know I'm alive.... its unrequieted blog love..... poor me I'm just one of their 4 bagillion followers (bring on the paralysing chardonnary).... oi lurrrve u allllll.....

My shit blog wont insert a funny picture about what a reject I am..... thats how rejected I AM!

Where will it all end?????

Yes a year came and went. Yes I saw 86kg on the dot today - in the words of our lovely Nene - just a bowel movement away from 85kg! And it seems my boobs are getting bigger. Yep - an 18 - 20 DD translates to a 14 F! Yes F. I've told you before the gagongas just keep on keeping on and now its confirmed. I was wrestled and counselled and fitted at the local Bra's n Things and I walked out with five 14F bras with undies to match. Yes thats F. F for freakin fabulous. Farkin fantastic. Freakishly foolishly F cup femme fatale! Yep thats me. So where are we when (if) we get to size eight?? G H or maybe M cup for "My God! Magnificent M Mammaries"!!???? Will there be room in the bed??? Will my children recognise me? Will people stop me in the streets to feed their starving children???

By the way - this woman is NOT actually me. Yes it looks like me - like - EXACTLY! No I do not have a twin sister no I have not been "paparazzied" while vacationing in Cannes.

This is NOT me.

I've got MUCH worse pics of me in a cozzie.