Food Junkie to Fabulous!

Devastation City Limits

2011-04-23T20:22:00.003+10:00

So my lovlies the time has come to incorporate some of my real life with my blog world. No one I know in my real life actually reads this blog so I'm safe here. I've never wanted to blog about my "professional" life because it can impact your clients, performance etc etc but I think after two years its safe to say I can say whatever I want.

So, on the back of my last post here goes.

The reason I was so despondent goes as follows:

About 6 weeks or so ago on a Friday night I had a dream a really vivid dream that I know comes from another place and is a very important message.

Back to the dream in a minute - you see for the past like 3 years I have discovered a very special ability (although it is present in everyone) to be able to know things others dont seem to be aware of and communicate with people and spirit guides on the "other side" and I use these abilities to give readings and help people in their everyday life. I have always known that my true calling in this is to do public demonstrations to large groups (it is the way I work best) and that some level of fame and notoriety is to come of this. It propels my every day and all of what I do and always with the basic motivation being to help people and bring the notion that psychic ability is a human ability and not a "special gift" bestowed upon a few. We can and MUST all do this in order to help our every day existence and our human race and souls.

So, the dream. I had a dream that one of my teachers from Sydney took me by the hand and led me into a stadium that was full of people waiting for a show to begin. I was told there was 20 - 50,000 people waiting. He took me in a side door and I knew these people were waiting for a psychic show to begin and when I asked how do you do readings for this many people I got a short sharp "the same way you do it for one person". This teacher, we'll call him Angelo, was on an Australian TV show called The One the search for Australias greatest psychic and came into the final three and did quite well although he was a bit scarred by it and now doesnt mention it. The dream was gobsmackingly real. He had the prescence of an angel it was such a magnificent dream and since studying it up the arena I was in was the exact image of Madison Square Garden - a big deal right?

Anyway, I have no intention of trying to be Australias greatest psychic or be right all the time all I care about is that the individual that sits in front of me walks away feeling better having spent an hour of their time connected to the other side through me as their conduit. I also like it if they walk away with some little idea or technique about how to connect themselves to the other side to help them out and not have to heavily rely on someone like me. It is so not about me but about them and their loved ones. Its kind of like I'm the telephone and for me to make it about me is kinda wrong and strange - does a telephone get self conscious and suffer performance anxiety or overinflated ego issues??

So, the dream stuck with me all day that Saturday. I have been planning for ages to do some public large group shows but I'm pretty much on my own here in Melbourne and its daunting. I did some gigs in Sydney but as just a small part of someone elses show not my own. So I woke that morning going OMG this is what I HAVE to do!!!!!! No fear!! Just do it!!!

So Saturday goes on and we're starting up a business that will allow my husband to work from home and look after the kids (how coincidental or not???) and at about 1am on Sunday morning I see a note on Facebook that I would have missed had I not been on at the ridiculous hour and it was the winner of that particular TV show giving out the email address to apply to the show.

So in a nutshell I applied and then promptly forgot about it.

Fast forward two weeks and I got a call.....

It was the show who liked what I'd written and I had to undergo psychic quizzes and photos and application forms etc etc and they said they'd skype me on the Monday and I was freaking!!! The stars had aligned, the dates were perfect (my dead grandmas birthday, the anniversary of my grandpas death etc etc. I sent off my application form and sat at home and waited for my call and.............

NOTHING!!!

I was crushed like a bug worse than how I've been this week sooooooooooo bad. It meant I bombed on the application and what I thought was real information from the other side in my quizzes was all shite and the other side had let me down and just WHHHAHAHAHAHHTTTTTT!!!!

But I did get over it and I did survive and fast forward two weeks and I approached our school prinicipal to hire their hall so I could do a big live group show and what happens..... my phone rings and
its
the
show.......

and they loved my application and they want me to come in for a screen and test and some live psychic quiz stuff

FARK ME!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly died on the spot dead set!!!!!!!!

I had no time to buy a new outfit but I got a strong message that my first reading the following day was going to cancel and SHE DID!! so I went shopping. I was told which section of the shopping centre to go to and when I go there I had no idea which shop to go to until a maintenance car stopped out the front of a shop and sounded an alarm and I knew "thats the shop"!! and of course I found the perfect outfit in under an hour (the one I am picture in in the last post). I had my hair and make up professionally done ( I just had to give it my best shot - it was like the wedding day I never had it was ALL ABOUT ME!!) and off I went. I wasnt nervous I felt the ENTIRE universe with me. NOTHING had ever felt so right in my life. I felt like an angel channelling the very nectar of the universe. Everything I said was gold everyone I met was beautiful I felt like a freaking princess it was a surreal and out of body unbelievably fantastic experience. My readings were spot on everything was fabulous and they all loved me and we all bonded and had a top day and I would love to end this post on this cliff hanger but I just cant (as much for me as for you).

And then I waited

For two weeks

I waited

and waited

and in my head I kinda knew I didnt get it

but I couldnt ignore all the signs

there were more than I mentioned here

EVERYONE I spoke to "Felt" I had it

I didnt tell many people

I got an email last Friday night saying I didnt make it any further but thank you.

A part of me died right there and then

Unfortunately I had a friend over an I didnt want to kill the Friday mood and talk about it so by the time she left I almost self combusted and melted into a waterfall of tears of disappointment. Honestly, I dont really care if I'm not on a TV show. I felt most disappointed for my husband and family cause this was our way out of this ordinary and quite often very challenging and struggling existence. BIG changes were going to happen in a very short amount of time and we were ready.

I'm exhuasted to go back here I hope you all understand when I end it here until later???

Even as I read back over this I have just rushed ahead to get the basic details down and this post does it all no justice. This was MONUMENTAL in my life. Amazing things do not happen to me!! They just dont. I've always thought that things didnt go so well for me so that I would always strive to find that very thing that I really needed to do as an individual and to an extent I was right. I have found what I needed to do but I swear this was all sooooo fabulous I thought this was what was next. I honestly cant believe it is all over. I have come to a level of acceptance in my everyday life but when I rehash it like this I relive it and I just still cannot believe it was not right.

When I think about it the whole show is based around the amazingness of the abilites and all I droned on about was how its not so amazing but accessible to everyone. That I am an ordinary Joe and if I can do it anyone can. Now I see it was a BIG mistake but I couldnt see it any other way so.... so be it!

At the back of all of this I had the complete and full understanding that if it wasnt meant to be it wouldnt. If it wasnt the best for me and my work then the powers that be wouldnt allow it to happen so in some ways I feel I've dodged a bullet.

But man I'm crushed like a bug and its hard to bounce back.

I have in some ways and I'm back to plodding along theres been some interesting insights into the whole process and what I've just been through and what I've learnt but for now I'm back to doing this the hard way and going back to the prinicpal to the hire the hall.

I'll keep you all posted

Love you all!!

Can losing 30kg make you happy??

2011-04-20T09:26:00.005+10:00

So this is how I look today and guess what?? Losing 30kgs does not make you happy! "What!!" I hear you say??!?!? How can you not be happy?? You got what you wished for??? How can you not be happy??? Call me an ungrateful cow but losing 30kg does not make life any better - just different. Different versions of good and bad for different reasons but certainly no better. You'll still just be chugging away running around like a little ant doing the uselessly inane trite we call life. Who would have thought???

Life - grin and bear it. Is that what this is all about?? Just getting by and "pretending" like we're all having fun when really, life is a shitting hard thing to do. Why are we all doing this at all? Are people who take matters into their own hands and end their own lives are they the smart ones? Are they the proactive ones who can see the truth and just cut to the chase and bring the inevitable forward?? How do we know thats not the key to getting by in all of this??? How brave and courageous they are for seeing that this "here" is not the answer and bravely forging ahead into the unknown going against every instinctive impulse in their living breathing bodies and despite millions of years of evolution and life force doing the unthinkable??? Well its not actually unthinkable if I'm here writing this and you're reading it. Its definitely considerable. Is it a conspiracy of life that we should have dependents and people loving us and relying on us so that we couldnt exstinguish our own lives even if it was something we wanted? Is love just a cunning tactic of nature? Of course it is thats why babies are so cute isnt it? So we'd love them and look after them and feed them we're all getting screwed over by love at every step - every breath of our lives. Just as love can save us love can doom us into existence also.

I dont know about you guys but man I'm over being hopeful, optimistic, pleasant, joyful being grateful for another minute, day, month or year of life. Its just second by second here, I'm still here and it still sucks. Being scammed into the belief that like attracts like and if you're positive and optimistic you'll attract wonderful things. Sorry guys just another conspiracy. You see, while you're being optimistic and happy you wont notice or dare to examine the reality - that really, this is plain old shite and if good things happen beware! Something bad has to happen in return cause thats another old gem we've been spoon fed also isnt it? You cant just ignore that one now Miss Smiley. Remember - you cant have the good without the bad one doesnt exist without the other so hang on for the ride cause your roller coasters about to go on the down swing!

So whats happened to bring on this tirade of life hatin?? I could go into detail but it will never be as bad as some other peoples situation - someone is always worse off and I will be considered ungrateful and really its not much just the same old cold gruel that life seems to like dishing up (well no wonder I hear you say - look how negative you are?) Ah but you see, I am the devils advocate. I give readings from "the other side" I'm a psychic and a medium and a "light worker" I give spiritual advice and dwell in the light and help people through this cold existence giving them hope where there is none. I reconnect them to their loved ones that have passed over give them those words and moments that couldnt happen when you're on opposite sides of the veil. I'm the "conduit" I get to know what the other side is like and still get to stay here - how lucky am I!!!!! I do their dirty work and THEN i get screwed over - thats my payment you see. I get to somehow raise the enlightenment level of my soul by knowing what I'm missing out on and yet still hanging about here and helping others to cope. And i have to do it all with a smile and a twinkle in my eye and tell the biggest lie of all - that everything will be alright. Well, says the other side - of course it will be alright its not a lie - just DEFINE alright?? Is alright that you'll keep on breathing?? Or that you'll die?? Or that a loved one will be put out of their misery and they'll die?? Is death bad or a relief?? Is that the worst thing that life can come up with - death?? Have we all be scammed into believing that the one thing that we should all fear and avoid at all costs is actually the best thing for us?? Like a pretty bird in a cage hand raised to fear the wild and life outside the safety of its prison when really it could fly free and live a life beyond its wildest expectations.

Am I just tempting fate and asking for trouble here? Am I conjuring up serious harm and distress? Nothing else I seem to dwell in comes to fruition so why would the horrors?? I can help others I just cant help myself and who helps the helpers???

So, for better or worse its school holidays here. Good, because I cant do readings for people with the kids around so I get a couple of weeks off faking it and bad because even if I wanted to do something to help myself I couldnt. And theres a very distinct possibility that its the school holidays that brings on these maudlin musings and maybe its doing the readings for people and having one toe in the light for the most part of most days that keeps me away from day dreaming about not being here anymore. And through all of this I worry that maybe I shouldnt post this that people will go into freak mode and think I'm going to end it all or worse still, pass on the cold comfort of meaningless platitudes but really, neither of those things are true or will help in any way and if I'm still here after 38 years of this shite then why would I go now? Unfortunately you guys just get the shit here. I'll go off now and be Miss Light and Love and no one will be none the wiser only you guys will know whats going on behind my smile and thats ok cause I'll never meet any of you and none of you affect my everyday life except that it helps to have my little invisible ears out there all over the world and know that someone is listening and for that I thank you all. Thank you so much from the bottom of my cold, black heart and I do only wish the best for you all and hope that life isnt this "real" for any of you.

So guys just in case I'm not the only one who thought losing weight would fix everything just let me tell you once and for all - it doesnt fix everything. Life is still life and you still have to work VERY VERY VERY hard at keeping it all together no matter what size your clothes are.

Where will this end?

2011-01-14T09:50:00.003+11:00

So after reading

Judy - http://judifromthismomenton.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-just-cant-shake-fear.html

and

Beth - http://whohidthedonuts.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-coming-out-of-hiding-erica-this-is.html

I really dont feel so alone. Judy (Stories from Judyland) did it for me when she said the worrying is back and once you start worrying you get sick of worrying and you throw in the towel and we ALL know where that ends!!!

Am I just suffering a little holiday cheer? My cycle is a little bit messed up so am I ovulating early again like last month? (ovulation always puts on about 2kg for me but goes just as quickly about a week later) Could this messed up cycle be the beginning of Menopause? Peri Menopausal I believe Oprah calls it (I'm 37 but I started my period young so it could be???? I'm realistic enough to know our hormones start dropping at 28ish so its not out of the question?!) Will the weight go again? Will I be on the other side of this next week? I've booked a fill for next Tuesday and I'm praying my band will start "working" again cause I really hate all the thought that is going into this all the snacking worrying weighing and thinking thinking thinking. being stuck at home during rainy school holidays doesnt help.

Anyway in the meantime - gonna do all I can with going over the top to the point of becoming an obsessive dieter again and obsessing my way back to 110kg again.

Just breathe - in with the good out with the bad.......

Special Occasion Depression and its Aftermath

2011-01-12T08:56:00.003+11:00

So, coming down off that last little cloud now and back to what this blog is all about - weight! I munched and drank and sat my way through Christmas and New Years we had people here from Sydney and we live in Melbourne which is pretty much all about the food and wine and because Christmas is such a non event in my family (not my immediate family with the kids and all) but the wider family - theres no kids nothing special going on - well lets just say my knee jerk reaction is to try and MAKE something out of Christmas by cooking and eating and shopping and keeping myself busily away from the uncomfortable feelings of rejection and lonliness that tend to rear their ugly heads in the form of Special Occasion Depression.

I havent had SOD for a few years now it all started though when I started having babies 11 years ago and around the same time my grandmother started to get too old to put on our family traditional christmas. The torch probably should have been handed to my mother but she is just shite at entertaining shes a recluse and has not much of a clue shes also a shit guest as she would come to my lovingly prepared Christmas day, eat before it was served and fark off back home cause she was tired (undiagnosed untreated depression will do that to you). I know this all sounds so freaking dysfunctional and poor me but its important to know how I royally messed up this Christmas (no blaming anyone full responsibility on my part here).

So I learnt to deal with the SOD although for years it would bring me to my knees and I would keep it going for the kids and all but man once my grandmother died and all special occasion celebrations went out the window I really packed it in on those days. We would try to make something out of the special days but honestly we have a pretty shite extended family for those things they either wouldnt turn up or have other things on or whatever. Have I told you all this before?? Anyway, I knew it was my lesson to learn and it was part of the grieving process and saying good bye to my grandmother and my life long psychological and emotional issue has always been rejection and man would I set myself up for it on "special" occasions.

So, part of the whole ooger booger discovery process was dealing with all of these issues and I really did reach a very manageable level of healing and I wouldnt feel quite so bad and actually completely forgot about the SOD. We just accepted the fact it was me and the husband and the kids and made the most of it and I do believe the Universe and my ooger boogers sent me really lovely things on those days to help take my mind off it and I do believe the universe helps those who help themselves etc etc and so what does this have to do with the me of today?? (apart from everything) As you know 18 months ago we moved 1000kms away to Melbourne (and to no one) last christmas my husbands family came and stayed with us and it was a really fun holiday and time together so the reality didnt hit however this year, no one. Really, ABSOLUTELY no one. My BF here suggested we all share christmas together and then promptly forgot about it and made plans with her inlaws (see I still set myself up for rejection in my friends choices). And so I felt the SOD a stirrin!

Anyway about a week before Xmas my mother in law decides to come. I love her I really do but she suffers from major depression and victimisation syndrome and really, we shouldnt be together at a time like this alone with no other family or friends as a buffer zone. Lets just say it didnt go well (we didnt fight or anything but I had no energy to engage in her depressive poor me games - funny what we dont like in others isnt it??) it was rainy we couldnt do much the kids just want to play with their new stuff and so, she went home 3 days early on boxing day.

And me? Well, I really did handle it all well I swear I soldiered on faked it til I made it etc etc but I was truly shocked to find that SOD was back. It simmered underneath it all I didnt tell anyone about it I didnt cry on the lounge for hours like I used to but man it was BACK! I certainly didnt expect family to come flying in from all over the place in fact it was a relief they didnt but I guess I just didnt know how to do a special occasion with NO ONE. (I'm not ruling out my kids and husband here they just couldnt care less if there was sandwiches and we went to the park but thats not a special occasion to me - after all its all about the food, the decoration, the music, the drink the fun and honestly, dare I say, thats not my husband or kids. I have fun with the kids playing their games and stuff but its not a crowd, its not people, its not chatting etc etc etc its our everyday life. It was raining here we couldnt go to the beach the park or anywhere EVERYTHING is shut on christmas day. So what to do???

Funny thing is, in the lead up to christmas day I went a bit stupid and bought every type of food imagineable just to have in the house in case we felt like it. I didnt plan anything in particular I thought I'd just play it by ear but man did I build myself a fort made out of food!!?!? And on the day I made a full roast with all the trimmings I made enough food for 50 people and we had 3 depressed adults and 3 distracted kids. Funny thing was I didnt feel too bad, the food was exactly like my grandmothers even though I make my differently it all turned out perfectly and I felt like I was in some sort of trance making everything just the way she would have. I honestly didnt mean it, it just happened. Alot of funny things happened that day and I swear she was with me but anyway after all of this the point of the story is...... I ATE!!

OH MAN I ATE!!!

A few days later friends came to stay for a week and man

I ATE MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND DRANK AND DRANK AND SAT AND DID NOTHING FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT!!!

I soothed myself with smoothies, I eased the anguish with pavlova and trifle I whined over wine you name it I did it. And all throughout I didnt gain any weight and I swear on the last day the friends were here I felt my arse and gut start to magically grow right before my eyes I could hear the balloon squeaking sound when something expands. And now its taken me a week to talk about it but I saw 81kg. Its slowly starting to slip away again but for a few days there I thought something was wrong I was inexplicably growing and I couldnt stop it - it was scary and I all those feelings I havent had for so long started creeping back just like the SOD I honestly felt over 100kg again I was so self conscious...

anyway, kids are up now and I really have to move back into mother mode so just quickly. Its school holidays and I'm like a caged tiger its raining I'm drinking too much snacking too much too frustrated at just about everything and I need to centre myself again and get back on the "Shaggs matters wagon" and I thought blogging about it might help. I need to be honest about all of this and not slip back into everything will be alright mode and gain 30 kg back again. I'll write more about this later this is really a very simplified version but just let it be known, I have to go on a "Diet" cut back or whatever and it aint easy on school holidays stuck at home and now i finally see the band doesnt fix everything - it helps but it doesnt do it on its own.

Happy Hour Happiness

2011-01-10T15:45:00.003+11:00

Ok I've got shedloads to do, its school holidays, its happy hour in the house of Shaggs and I'm having an afternoon wine (whine) and I'm in charge of kids who aren't biologically mine so of course, what should I do..... BLOG! Of course I've always believed we're best under pressure (ahlah Salt and Pepper "Shoop") and if it wasnt for the last minute nothing would ever get done so of course lets shoot the shit and just say, today, I've been touched by fame......

If she ever reads this, I swear I'm not a stalker but I do have a lady/blogger crush on this particular blogger alas, though, it is from afar. This particular blogger is so incredibly followed and loved she is even mentioned in a famous blogger book she is truly blog royalty. No, I'm not going to tell you who it is part of me jealously doesnt want to share her and part of me doesnt want you all to know who floats my boat (of course you all do float my boat in so many ways and I crush on you all for different reasons but I, like, want to be this woman when I grow up!). She is so naturally freaking funny, so quirky so inventive, strange and fun I just love her outlook I love what she finds on the internet and honestly, if I could be arsed, I'd follow suit and try and rip off her ideas in some way, shape or form but life's too short.

So, point of the story is, I left ANOTHER comment on one of her posts knowing and believing full well that it will get shuffled off into blogland amongst the other million comments and that would be that. I know as I say this and tell this story I think of all my beautiful blog friends out there and how much I love you all and how much I dont comment on your blogs and how much I love your comments on my blog and how much I dont comment on your comments on my blog and I feel like a right mole but you guys I consider my friends and well, she is, she's.... famous! Why does that make it ok? it doesnt but I have no other reason for this ridiculousness. So my comment mentioned how she hasnt posted for a while and could she please come back. And.............

I GOT A PERSONAL RESPONSE IN MY INBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know how sad this is I truly know but man this woman is in another orbit. I'm sorry this STILL isnt explaining my position but anyway I've loved this womans blog since I started blogging two years ago (just as I have loved all the blogs I follow) and I truly cant believe I blipped on her radar. I dont know if its the kids whinging for food or water or my ADD or what but I've lost motivation and incentive here (maybe its because deep deep down I know you're clucking your tongues and thinking what a brainless moron I am and what would I do if Lindsay Lohan actually walked through the door) but I am honestly not a celeb junkie. I'm talking myself into a whole here just know that at 11.02 this morning for better or worse - my life changed and my existence on this strange planet we call earth was made just a little bit more special.

P.S. It doesnt really matter what she wrote ("Your comment just made me so happy" yes, her exact words!) I responded and I'm sure she now knows what a sad little creature I am but you only get one shot and in the words of our illustrious Eminem in his famous song "Lose Yourself"

"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo"

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go"

That song means so much to me (yeah, right Eminem good one shaggs I am so not a homey but that song resonates in me - getting sadder peeps!!) I'm going to stop here before things get worse just know that man I love you all so much and I miss every one of you when you dont blog for a while I'm going now to lose myself in the music....

Old Years Resolutions for the New Year

2010-12-30T04:55:00.002+11:00

So it had to be done, its that time of year and I've been thinking about all this stuff anyway and I might as well turn my thoughts into some kind of strategy for the new year - in other words - my New Years Resolutions.

I must preface this by saying when you start thinking about all the shoulda coulda wouldas in your life and all of the areas that need improving its really important to remember to love and accept yourself just the way you are before you can bring in change and having said that heres a list of things i would like to "bring in" in the New Year (as opposed to the old one I'm currently in).

1. Exercise (again!) no really, I wanna go there I wanna move I wanna shake my wild thing

2. Get excited about life/career again. Find some direction and move in that direction. A plan perhaps?? I dont know its 5 in the morning here???

3. Cut back on the booze (again!) no really. Theres always a reason to drink I can barely find a reason not to and then I remember my health and long term effects so I really must cut back.

4. Actually do something about the above ideas

I've already lost focus and I havent even finished the list let alone got started on it.... bah New Years is still 2 days away plenty of time yet....

I wanna hear what other people would like to change or do differently maybe then I'll feel inspired???

The Summer of Shaggs (again)

2010-12-09T21:25:00.005+11:00

Well hello ladies (and I'm not sure so I'll throw in) and gentleman! Wow, Christmas already hey?? Dont know where to start so lets start at - My band is my baby I love that little piece of plastic and nothing reminds me more of just how much I love it than a stinking hot sweaty Melbourne summer and I am feeling suprisingly cool and loving my clothes, splashing out in colour and just generally loving it! I still have weird flashback moments when I find myself thinking or feeling like I did thirty kilos ago and then I remember like waking up from a dream that that is not my reality anymore??!! Its wonderful and surreal and very cool and comfortable! So I cracked the 77kg which takes me dangerously close to the 160 pounds (is that important??? dont think so really the numbers are truly irrelevant when you feel good anyway) HOWEVER! Seriously seriously want to and need to get into some kind of excercise and I know I've been saying this for a while but now I feel the YEARNING so thats gotta be a step up does it not???

Now speaking of exercise, here I am on Hamilton Island in Queensland (missed Oprah by a day!!!) bashing it out at the pool. And by bashing it out I mean having drinks and food brought to me and having my first ever experience of sitting on a beach sipping a Pina Colada and no I am not being a sarcastic bitch when I say that i was actually sitting on a beach sipping a Pina Colada!! Noice! It was such a beautiful time made all the more beautiful for not feeling like a huge sweaty whale and buying two of the most exquisite dresses! (One is pictured) not the best shot but I just had to show you guys the kinds of colour and pattern I am relishing in in comparison to the "uniform" you see to the left - the black top and jeans and yes that was summer!!! Just my husband and I went to Hamilton Island as a 12 year wedding anniversary present and it was truly spectacular we had such a great time but it is hard to thud back to reality!

Has anybody got any tips to help me get back into the exercise thang??? I walk the dog everyday but thats just a leisurely stroll. I wake up early enough to go in the morning but do you think I could be arsed??? Nup! I really really really need this. I live very close to a beautiful beach and it seems I have a serious dose of what I call middle class syndrome and I just cant be arsed. Theres something to be said for adversity bringing out the best in people cause deadset I'm slacking off at the moment cause things are pretty damn good. Boo frigedity hoo!!

Love you all bloggers you have no idea how much each and every one of you "touch" me if only I left comments half the time but I do just love you all!!

Be good or good at it!

xxxx

Shaggs

PS following suit from last year and having a fill 3 days before christmas will certainly keep me in line. Should have had a fill about a month ago but have had alot on that I wanted to be relaxed for but now its all over and fill here I come!

Quick Pic Update

2010-09-30T16:25:00.005+10:00

Just busting to get a pick or two so did it myself in the mirror anyhoo here it is..... No smoke and mirrors (well mirrors yes) taken at eye level and while wearing horizontal stripes (gasp!) and no my left boob is not smaller than the right just an optical illusion. Not the best pic but better than the attempt with the flash......

And thats me at 78kg (171pds) approx 18 months and 30kg post band and three weeks post gallbladder removal.

30kg (66 pounds) Gone Check In

2010-09-29T10:08:00.003+10:00

OK I've stopped bitching now - ungrateful cow that I am. My digestive system is mellowing out and learning to live without a gall bladder although it is different to before I had a gall bladder but anyhow, I'll cope. I had a small set back last week with a secondary bleed and my port was hurting like hell so I checked in with my fill doctor he explained it all and its now fine. I even went back to Sydney for that visit - my husband surprised me one afternoon and said get packing and off we went with an hours notice and it was excellent!

Wait a minute - back to bitching - after 18 months of struggling with a band and losing weight by the drip method (lil by lil) finally people notice - I cant believe you have to lose 30kg (66 pounds) for anyone to notice and THEN they think its because of illness ie: my gallbladder. I've lost about 3kgs from having my gallbladder out.... and this is why we dont rely on exterior gratification cause when you most need it you wont get it and when you learn to live without it it comes flooding in. Its such a back handed compliment but I guess I'm gonna find the bad in just about anything at the moment. I am extremely stoked about the whole weightloss thing dont get me wrong its awesome and I love buying new clothes and dressing me up every morning but my inspiration has stalled and I dont feel like writing anymore - its school holidays and the car has broken down and dead set - that'd sap the energy out of anyone!

Bittersweet Victory

2010-09-17T01:26:00.003+10:00

So, my gallbladder is gone and so too it seems are the few kilos I carry around and lose and gain repeatedly from one day to the next. I'm still swollen and sore from the surgery but the scales read 78.6 and my hands and feet and general extremities are showing sinew I never knew I had. Happy Days!

Or are they??

As is want to happen in this shithole they call life you receive one wish fulfilled only to find another, usually harder to attain, wish surface on the scar the last one left behind. You see not having a gallbladder is kinda not just all weightloss and sinew it pretty much means if I eat fat or anything over a certain kilojoule amount per day I STILL have pain despite not having the organ that causes the said pain. How, you might ask?? Well, the gallbladder catches alot of the bile the liver pumps out when you eat something fatty or have a high kilojoule day (any kind of excess really) and when the liver does this massive overload now and the gallbladder aint there to regulate things it hurts your body especially the little healing ducts that have been chopped up. The flush of bile also causes diarrhea and the diarreah causes constipation the constipation causes pelvic congestion the congestion pushes on the now multitude of scars on my stomach and abdominal lining and I am one uncomfortable little camper. I may have only eaten maybe 200grams of food today but I am bloated and sore like I have eaten a full roast dinner dessert and all. All of this is OK if I eat tiny (cant eat too much of anything at all cause of all the scars pushing and hurting) little low joule amounts - as I should have learnt already with the band but this is the band on steroids this is no messing around this is like putting in two bands one to control quantity and one to control quality. And let me tell you this is shit!!!!!!!!!!

IN THE EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I can hear you all "its early days yet" (gallbladder only came out a week ago today) "its good for you" "its a blessing in disguise" etc etc etc but I am still going through the many stages of grief at the moment its 1.30 in the morning here and I'm uncomfortable just sitting at the desk. I am grieving and pining and spewing (aussie slang for really got the shits) and i just want my life back!!!!!! Where is the next health issue going to pop up?? I was so blind sided by this one. If I ignore the pain will the bad eating go to my heart next?? Is that where I'm headed??? I'm tired of operating this thing they call a body in this place they call earth its just too freakin hard sometimes. So why get your gallbladder out if the problem persists?? Its almost purely so the problem doesnt accelerate to the next level which is liver or pancreatic life threatening situations.

This is just shit.

I feel so sorry for myself. I am seriously a spoilt child chucking a tantrum right now. I have been going so good this week just focusing on getting over the operation and I was back at it and on full duties within 4 days. Its school holidays here next week and I was planning a driving trip back to Sydney to see everyone I love (nice thing to do when you feel like crap) but I have to do the driving alone and I just cant imagine sitting in that seat for that long (Its a 12 hour drive) and even with breaks etc etc I know I'm not up for it. My selfish prick of a husband was going to fly to sydney next weekend and drive us home but he doesnt want to so now I have to contact everyone tomorrow and tell them its all off and I just dont know how to say it - we've all been so excited about the trip it was all that was getting me through this week and now I know I cant do it and its 2am and I cant ring anyone or talk to anyone so sorry guys - you've copped it! I am now lost for words I want to keep typing so I feel like I'm with someone like someone is listening like someone is close by but theres just nothing left to say. Love youse all.

My Gallbladder is GONE!!!!

2010-09-14T08:18:00.001+10:00

Straight from holidays and into hospital and last Thursday night my gallbladder was removed in a very similar operation to the lapband. More to come just still a little hard to sit in one place for a period of time. Stay tuned!! Love youse all!!!!

My Own Personal Xanadu

2010-08-20T10:04:00.002+10:00

Hellloooooooooooo blogland! In the words of our illustrious Everything But the Girl - "and I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain"! I may not have been posting but I have been voyeuristically keeping up with all of my blogger buddies even if I dont always comment (or I do and then press the wrong button and it doesnt get posted!) Loving Amy (The Land of Cheese and Sunkist), Drazil, Lonicera, Nola, Nene and the list goes on and on. If it wasnt for you guys I kinda dont know if it would feel like I have any friends??? Its kinda sad too when I talk about "my friends" in everyday conversation and I've actually never met any of you but I think we all know each other better than our "real life" friends.

So, heres a short recap of my life for the past three months:

1. Hit the 80.0 mark about two weeks ago and have been hanging around 80 - 81 ever since but I'll get back to that.

2. Africa was AMAZING!!!! Will never ever forget it!!! Life is for living and seeing this amazing world not for working and scrimping and saving every cent to be kidded into believing you own a very small piece of land with some bricks and concrete on it. With that belief in mind we are off to Queensland for some summer loving in 10 days cause this Melbourne winter has been toooooooo long!!

3. Have a very full and complete understanding of my weight loss, eating and metabolic cycles and thus - am not anxious about teetering around the same weight for a few weeks cause thats what I do and before you know it I will be living in the 70's. With this in mind I have also come to the conclusion that, for now, the band has taken me as far as I can go and I have to start pulling some weight of my own (think I've been saying that for a while now!!?!?)

4. I freaking love myself and my band. Love Love Love!!!! I have never felt so good physically and psychologically. This photo was taken while we were out on a family trip to the aquarium and I feel it really captures the sense of joy and freedom I feel at the moment. You see, family days out have always been very fraught for me. I never knew what to wear or how to look and I always felt insecure around other mums especially in the city cause you get all the uber mums who are so damn gorgeous and fashionable in an "our house is full of Alessi" kinda way. Quite often too my husband would get depressed looking at other peoples wives and all up we'd just have some shit times - the day itself with the kids etc would be great - but there'd be a horrible bad taste in our mouths at the end at how shabby and inadequate we both felt. Shit - I know - but thats reality. And I also know you shouldnt let husbands treat you that way and make you feel shite for being you but I allowed it and that kinda shows you where I was at that time. Anyhow, now, I just feel gorgeous! I'm not thinking about food all day while we're out, I love what I wear and sad and gross but true, I get power from my husband fawning all over me and picking me out of the crowd as the MILF. Sick, yes but thats me now. Its not how I power my entire life but damn it, I've spent too many years as the sad frumpy mum to not take some delight in looking and feeling this way.

5. Summers a comin! And I'm feeling a little wobbly in the jiggly bits so I have been gently incorporating walking into my life I know I really need to hit the gym as I know I can get myself to a point where very little moves and god I love Amy (Land of Cheese and Sunkist) working out like a demon (but I also know when you've got a hot Personal Trainer its that much easier!). Part of me does crave it - I do love to sweat it out so maybe I should bite the bullet!? Its sounding better by the minute........

6. Just bought size 14 (US size 10) jeans and I mean TRUE size 14 from a shop for under 25's. Speechless. Oh and the jeans I am pictured in at the left as one of my "before the really fat days and the last time I tried to seriously diet (77kgs)" photos now fit me. The moment when they slid up my legs and did up was truly a spiritual moving moment (i just wrote that it was like looking into your baby's eyes for the first time but i deleted it for fear of some seriously well deserved harsh judgment but it was a pretty special moment)

7. I do hate blogging sometimes - I always seem to come out sounding like I'm blowing my own trumpet and its kinda tedious to hear but one of these days soon I'll post when I'm in a stinker of a mood - it can be pretty descriptive and kinda funny. So anyway, not all is roses and sunshine and I have been having my annual "reassess your life" period where everything kinda seems a bit shite but I have to say the good times are once again outweighing the bad. We have been here in Melbourne for a year now and the severe loneliness is no longer however I would like a greater range of people to hang with I pretty much spend 99% of my time with my seriously dysfunctional bestie and I do love her but even she's having dreams at night of her husband telling her we need to see less of each other. My husband is still looking earnestly for work in Queensland and right now I'm bored and ready to go again. I dont think I'll ever feel really settled or rooted to a place like I did in Sydney - that part of my heart has been broken now, nothing much could really do any more damage than that now.

Anyhoo more to come (i know i've said that before) but I really will try to stay on it now (i've said that too)....

The 100th post episode

2010-05-13T08:31:00.004+10:00

100th

POST!!!

Sick of looking at that picture of me posing and dont have time for more than this

but I do love youse all!!

P.S. I weighed in at 83.0kg

P.S.S Going to Africa next week and thanks to my band I shouldnt get

confused for a stray hippo in the pool

20kg, 50 pounds but who's splitting hairs???

2010-05-01T20:05:00.005+10:00

So once again a quickety quick post to celebrate the official loss of 20kg. Well, its kinda 20kg since my own first notings of weight since deciding to do this whole band thang but the doctors have 106kg on record so its 23kg and I know for a fact I got up to 107kg but anyway as far as this blog is concerned its 20kg!!!!! (sorry, 44pounds on blogger record and 50 pounds on doctors records either way I dont give a shite cause I am stoked!!!)

This is not the best pic of me ( I broke all rules and wore a white bra under black clothes and I'm all pink and blothchy from pissing on but I really dont give a poop I never thought I'd wear a lil black dress and knee high boots so I'm gonna celebrate it!

After 12 months and 20kgs heres a few things I have learnt:

1. I have just had another fill and with every fill I learnt something new. If you are experiencing pain when food goes down chances are you are not tight enough. Yes, you heard me you need to be tighter!!! Can you believe it?? You see as you get tighter the food goes down slower so then less pain BUT!!! You have to really stick to the rules and really, you have no choice BUT to stick to the rules. The only thing you need to remember is to eat slowly and everything else is taken care of via the band. If you are struggling with quantity and thinking about food and still killing yourself then your band is not tight enough!!! I h

ave learnt this throughout the last few fills. Number one rule you have to control is not to eat too fast and number two is dont eat about 2 hours before bed at least (or you'll see your food again through the night - not pretty). If you are still relying on will power and self control your band is not nearly tight enough.

2. Fluid tablets will get you through those really tight days of the month. One every couple of days is enough and only on the days you need them.

3. The band is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I still eat whatever I want but just a little bit of it the bad behaviour like scoffing and eating

massive gorging meals is completely eliminated with the band as is most really bad carbs like bread and pasta (altho you can have them but they're slow and not really worth it). I seriously dont feel deprived from the good things at all.

4. I would recommend ANYONE to get a band. My heart goes out to all the girls out there who kill themselves over quantity and will power etc who are slaves to food and the obsession of it - its a prison. And this is heaven. I could never have done this AGAIN without a band (yes I've lost the same 20kg and gained it back again and again and now I know this is it!). I love it!!! I am wearing ANYTHING i want and i feel fabulous!!! I have the energy to exercise and the love and respect for myself to want the best for me including healthful foods and a healthy

lifestyle. I am a born again girl! And heres my new boots to prove it!!!

I have always dreamt of wearing knee high boots and a little black skirt and I cried when I found these boots and I wear them like a girl on a mission they do things to me on a soul level.

I urge anyone out there considering a band or having written off the idea of a band to talk to someone who knows. The reality is SOOOOO different to the uneducated, freaky preconceived ideas we have about banding. I have family who have expressed their concerns despite my obvious happiness and looking fab and once I talked to them and educated them on how it actually is (my sister didnt even know it was reversible!!!!! but even if the thing popped through my chest and poked my eyes out I would still have it put back in).

Anyhoo enough preaching, lovin life, going to Africa on safari 22nd May with the family - should be fun even though its way outside my safety zone. Love youse all, follow you all even if I dont comment - my day isnt the same unless I've checked in on you all! Thank you for being a part of one of the most amazing stages of my life!

Pics Glorious Pics

2010-04-07T09:23:00.007+10:00

So this is how my kitchen looks this morning and yet here I am flagrantly shootin the shit on my blog for the love and laughter of my blogger biatches. I am acutely aware that I have not blogged for some time and I am way overdue so here I am for another quickie post cause I am also acutely aware that at 3.30pm today my father in law is arriving for a visit from Queensland. My Third and final realisation this morning is that my father in law is certifiably obsessive compulsively clean (you might think "yay he can clean the kitchen") but no he is one of those judgemental OCD people who doesnt change the world for themselves but expects others to appropriate the world for them and while I am not going to go on a total cleaning frenzy and disinfect the lounge suite I will be doing something about the toilet roll on the kitchen bench as I can see why that might be a health hazard.

So, for your viewing pleasure here is a short pictorial of what I have been up to for the past month (or two).

We have been doing alot of card playing of late and my stoopid (lovably so) bestie thinks I have the advantage because of the Ooger Boogers so she thought it would be appropriate to cover her head in alfoil and do the Vulcan live long and prosper sign in order to ward off unwanted spirits who might want to help me win black jack. Needless to say - I still won. I have an affinity with Jacks (since doing a reading for a very powerful spirit called Jack). I got two Jacks and split them and then got dealt two more jacks for each other jack so yes I cleaned up. Thank you Jack.

Can I just say that I hate this blogspot is crap cause this is supposed to be the last pic but no its the first and I cant change that cause blogspot is CRAP!!!!! Its head lice season in Melbourne and this is me and my bestie delousing on valentines day. There is no better way to say you love someone than to pick nits out of their hair and give them a supportive hug even though they smell like kero.

I got trashed on my birthday. Do ya like the make up my BFF gave me? Things can get a little boring around here so sometimes I like to dress up and add a lil Shaggs spice to the mix. (Did I mention my five year old now calls me Shaggs?)
This is me bustin a move at Love Machine an ace (Melbourne word for tops) gay club in Prahan. This is my partner in crime my neice (yes she is over 18 I am a young aunty) she was down from Sydney for my birthday and we left the town in tatters.

I have a small problem and that is - when I've had a few bevvies I cant help but smack arses and hump legs. Aren't y'all lucky ur just my cyber friends????

Now I would love to continue this pic fest but quite frankly THIS pitiful effort has taken me an hour and I'm seriously un-zen in a f^&*(d off kind of way.

I love youse all.

The Pre-Post Post

2010-03-26T18:54:00.002+11:00

I swear to god there's a post coming. I desperately have to update some photos (both here and on facebook) and I naively believe that for the next two weeks during our Aussie Easter School Holidays I will get heaps of time to post (ha!). But I will. I swear.

I have sooooo much news to share first and foremost:

1. I am the proud new owner of the most dazzlingly gorgeous spectacular knee high leather boots. I feel like a crazy hot arse sexy goddess stompin around in those babies. I nearly cried in the middle of Myer when I found them and they fit - I seriously had a major moment and I sent great prayers of praise to the lap band goddess herself. Far out I love this thing.

2. 85.2kg enough said

3. I am doing readings like a crazy lady purely by referrals only -lovin it - its goin off!

4. Melbourne is beyond description. Its sunny with a little cool breeze, not a hint of humidity and 31 degrees and its MARCH! Freakin love this place.

5. This band thing is paying off in the biggest way and I found out one of the ladies in the office at school has one and we're going to meetings together some time soon. I am shopping in normal shops and wearing clothes I never thought I would I am getting comments all over the place (I am a compliment slut - I'll take them wherever I can get them from whoever (except myself) sad - I know) I am all over the shop with love and wonderfulness for this thing. Freakin love it!

6. Love my blogger friends even tho I'm a bad blogger friend. Thank you all for keeping me amused even tho I'm not amusing you all.

Theres more - I swear its coming plus top pics and I think its time for a new blog skin..... I'm off a browsin....

The Love (or evil) that Dare Not Speak Its Name - Zantac

2010-02-24T21:40:00.006+11:00

I would just love to keep on keepin on with the bloggin thang so here's all the shite - boring tidbits and all.

1. For the first time in a long time I am kinda outta control with the eating?? Very strange sensation. And I think I know the culprit. I have discovered Zantac. This is a pretty high potency antacid and whenever I take one its like my band does not exist. I can pretty much eat anything and these babies have 12 hour effectiveness so you're completely farked for a day!!!!! What!!!!! I discovered them by accident when far too much champagne and spicy food caused me to feel a "little uncomfortable". Now this would be a good thing if you know you're going for a special meal or a smorgo but man, I feel like a very wrong lil person right about now. I should NOT know this. And neither should you so forget everything I just told you....

2. I am sitting on an all time low. Sticking to the 86's (86 kgs or 189 pounds yes still a fattie) but I'm stoked but not sure how long the stokedness is going to last considering the Zantac effect and all.

3. Call me sad but this week I have found validation in the fact that I have found myself the recipient of four (4) blogger awards. Thats farkin amazing!!!! I may not have many "real life" friends but man, you cyber pals are GOING OFF!!!! I am going to address this issue in my next post but right now I have had too much chardonnary (wow that was my REAL spelling attempt) and cant track all the beautiful people I want to mention and cant risk leaving anyone out - you're all so freakin awesome and the reason I get online everyday. Just get another chardonnary before I continue.....

4. Dont have another fill til 20th April - enough said

5. Going into Zantac rehab as of tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on the DT's, sweats, stuck episodes and PBing.

6. Dont go near Zantac - very evil stuff - the band you're having when you're not having a band.

7. I have discovered this over the past week my research is detailed and conclusive - avoid Zantac at all costs!!!!! (depending on the desired outcome)

8. My research has made me wonder how much of my restriction is real "fill" and how much is swelling and bad reactions.... mmmmm.... interesting???

9. I have been reading over my blog to see what those 4 people found appealing and actually, many of the dreams I have dreamt in this forum have come true! thank you OGB's!! I read out my request for a new friend to my new friend (BFF for the past 6 months can you believe I've been in Melbourne for over 7 months) and we laughed at how perfectly the OGB's got it. She was tailored made for me! Love her!

10. And last but not least - I really have nothing to say..... best thing in my life at the moment is that my baby (AKA Damien) started school 4 weeks ago and I am Shaggs of the Eternally Luxurious. I have been doing readings but mostly, just going for massages coffees lunches etc etc. I am lovng my life. After 11 years of suffering some form of morning sickness, sleep deprivation, mastitis, toddler tantrums, playgroups and bored 4 year olds I am FREE AS A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!! Well, from 9 - 3.30 4 days a week til mid march. AND LOVING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. 5 Can someone please explain how the fark they watch Cougar Town???????

I really love you all ( thats not the chardonnary speaking) and I'll show you all in my next post I promise (fark I'm a drunk naughty concillatory husband!). I think one of the reasons I'm holding off doing my blog awards is because quite a few of the blogs I love dont even know I'm alive.... its unrequieted blog love..... poor me I'm just one of their 4 bagillion followers (bring on the paralysing chardonnary).... oi lurrrve u allllll.....

My shit blog wont insert a funny picture about what a reject I am..... thats how rejected I AM!

Where will it all end?????

2010-02-18T22:51:00.004+11:00

Yes a year came and went. Yes I saw 86kg on the dot today - in the words of our lovely Nene - just a bowel movement away from 85kg! And it seems my boobs are getting bigger. Yep - an 18 - 20 DD translates to a 14 F! Yes F. I've told you before the gagongas just keep on keeping on and now its confirmed. I was wrestled and counselled and fitted at the local Bra's n Things and I walked out with five 14F bras with undies to match. Yes thats F. F for freakin fabulous. Farkin fantastic. Freakishly foolishly F cup femme fatale! Yep thats me. So where are we when (if) we get to size eight?? G H or maybe M cup for "My God! Magnificent M Mammaries"!!???? Will there be room in the bed??? Will my children recognise me? Will people stop me in the streets to feed their starving children???

By the way - this woman is NOT actually me. Yes it looks like me - like - EXACTLY! No I do not have a twin sister no I have not been "paparazzied" while vacationing in Cannes.

This is NOT me.

I've got MUCH worse pics of me in a cozzie.

The Perfect Sunset

2010-01-28T21:35:00.003+11:00

Sorry, just had to post this I'm so bored with seeing my fat calf in a too small boot every time I open internet explorer.

Cue elevator music (instrumental "Girl from Impanema") and for your viewing pleasure......

this is sunset at our local beach...... (thats my 3 babies - their blog debut!)

I just never get tired of looking at this picture.......

It stirs something inside me in a way that (for once in my life) food just cannot do.......

Everyone rubbishes Melbourne for its weather etc but man, this is God's country! Best kept secret in Australia - no one would EVER know Melbourne has dazzling crystal clear beaches that compete only with the Whitsundays. And summer is GLORIOUS! All the heat of the tropical areas (like Sydney and Queensland) but with none of the humidity. This is the first summer in about 12 years I havent gained weight - I'm not bloated and swollen and dehydrated from constant sweating.

Life is truly beautiful! Remember - sometimes your dreams come true in the way you least expect them to!

These boots were made for walking

2010-01-25T09:59:00.006+11:00

Just a lil Monday morning love for you all! I've been catching up on some of my blog sistas and it just inspired me to have a little go!

I was just commenting on Nene's post (Fatness to Fitness) and I realised how different this journey is for everyone and even for the same person on a different day or time of the month etc etc. The band is as random as life itself! What one can eat another cant what I can eat today I cant eat tomorrow - its very peculiar! I'm pretty loose at the moment but I havent been abusing that. I'm not anymore hungry but a wider variety of foods go down which is all working quite nicely. I do however have an appointment with my cowboy doctor on 9th Feb and I'm looking forward to getting jacked up tight again (its kind of addictive once you've been there). I swear all you girls out there - if you're eating too much and getting hungry etc etc go and get a fill - I know it seems like a patronising thing to say but really - I spent too long farting around without enough fill and now that I know what this is shit is about man, go get a fill and THEN you'll know you're alive!!! I love it!

I've heard some interesting stories from around the traps about some unusal outcomes. One woman who was going great guns and had lost about 26kgs in a year or so has put what looks like about half of it back on cause her pouch has stretched! Interesting! I would have thought it was less about what your pouch can hold and more about what can fit comfortably through the hole???? Yes? No? Anyone else heard of this? I never got to ask her what happens from here and I'm trying to track her down. I'll keep you all posted. She was good at following all the rules too - or was she good at saying she was following the rules???? Hmmmm.......

So we're coming up to the one year anniversary for Shaggs (why the third person? The randomness of life I guess?) and I would REALLY love to just hit 20kgs lost (which requires another 3kg in my books although my doctor has 106kg recorded so he already thinks I've reached 20 kgs - whatever!) Maybe just to hit the 85 mark and be on the downhill run to the 70's???? Who knows who cares. All I know is that occaisionally some old memories and thoughts of a year ago come back to haunt me and I just cant believe how much I hated myself and the situation I was in. The torment around food!!

We went to Luna Park yesterday and I know for a fact I wouldnt have fit in half the rides I went on yesterday. I used to go on things and then awkwardly clamber out at the end of the ride and I could just feel everyone's disgust and repressed laughter at the fat chick and what the hell did she think she was doing. Yesterday I ran around like a teenager from one ride to another and not once did I question my ability to fit in a seat or belt. I saw quite a few women and girls who would have been me this time last year and man can I feel their pain. I just wish everyone could afford to get some help with obesity. We all have access to anti depressants, allergy medications, pain relief and the list goes on but not all of us can get the help we REALLY need for obesity. Everyone takes something to help them along when things aren't physically great but what can a food addict do??? The band has pushed aside all of the self imposed restrictions and problems I had when it came to dieting and has given me the best helping hand ever. It may have taken me a year to understand that the band is a diet tool and an aid in the fight against food addiction just like an anti depressant is to depression - we still have to do some work ourselves but the band makes it possible for us to be motiviated and inspired. When all the pain and self sabotage and the ability to abuse ourselves is gone - we can move on and help ourselves.

So on that note, I have put a bra on and taken a photo of myself on my baby - my treadmill! And while I was there I thought I'd take a shot of me in my chaff resistant bike shorts! I have another goal which is to lose 8cm off my calves so I fit into my beautiful Sandra Miller boots my husband bought me about 2 years ago. Whe I first got them they didnt do up AT ALL not one centremetre so its looking good. If I was taller and the biggest part of my calf was up higher where the boot is at its widest all would be good but alas, short fat shaggy must somehow melt 8cm off her industrial strength, built-for-business-not-beauty, Helga the Hungarian Hammer Thrower calves. So a walkin we must go! Nola and all my other lil doggie friends out there - notice the cute little puppy with the while ankle boot in the background oooh he's so cute!

Can I just say how shit the layout crap shit is on bogspot???? Check out the layout of these pics and text??? and if I try to change anything pictures just disappear??? Its crap!

And the love continues.....

2010-01-22T16:17:00.004+11:00

I'm trying to find the right words to express my latest love and novelty but theres just no entertaining way of saying - I am the proud owner of a treadmill!!! And I have shaken off the festive 2kgs Santa left in his sack for me just by having it in my house for the past week! I am beside myself with delight!!!

For all the spec junkies out there - it is a Bodyscience T940 as pictured (cant show you a pic of me on it as I am not usually very appropriately dressed for it). It is 2.5 horsepower with a little wider belt than most (43cm) goes to 16km per hour (never going to happen here!) and has a bottle holder as well as mobile phone and tv remote control holders (i'm pretty sure thats what that extra bottle holder is for). I'm just freaking in love! I jump on and off all day long, I watch Oprah, I catch up with friends on the phone I do five minutes here and there and I can feel and see the difference!!

I bought the treadmill second hand (same price as hiring for 6 months) and this particular model still has a good re-sale value as I am not at all delusional about the fact that I will probably be out of love in approx 3 weeks. I have it strategically placed next to the window for the beautiful view of the estate which happens to be right next to the telly (a quick nudge and its facing me and my treadmill) and is also conveniently located directly under my refridgerated air conditioning vent. I am not at all precious about where when how or what I am dressed in when I jump on and have been known to get on in my PJ's, barefoot and with no bra on (although I have learnt to wear bike shorts to avoid chaffin'). I am drinking water by the gallon and my skin is gorgeous and my cellulite and lumps and bumps are starting to smooth out. I'm drinking less alcohol and eating better (altho i need another fill - booked in for 9th feb) Far out am I in love! I'm on farking FIRE!!!

To give you an idea of the forces of destiny that lead me to my beautiful new pal I'll tell you the story of how we came to be together. Call me a nutter I know and accuse me of making something out of nothing but this is how my life with the Oooger Boogers (also known as the OGB's) works. It all started when my sister in law picked up a free treadmill and it got me thinking about having one in the home. I always loved the gym but get bogged down by when you can and cant go and the kind of scaffolding that goes into keeping my DD's contained while I jiggle away on the treadmill, the sweat, the fashions, the boredom and the need to jog everytime the personal trainer walks onto the gym floor etc etc.

So I researched many different treadmills and since I had to collect it myself it had to be within driving distance. During this time and for the weeks before I kept finding a St Christopher medal popping up around the house. I'm not religious at all but I know that St Christopher is the patron saint of travellers and I'm sure he was a good guy and all and I went to St Christophers primary school and I dig on all things freaky so I was wondering what it meant when he kept popping his little head up. Well, I found a treadmill I liked and it was listed by a "Christopher St Albans" which appeared to my addled brain as St Christopher not Christopher of St Albans and walking is travelling and St Albans is quite a way to travel from here but anyhoo I tried to ring the guy but didnt get a response even though I knew the OGB's were telling me this was my treadmill.

So I kept looking and I bid on some on ebay and I lost them all, negotiated with some etc etc and nothing came up when 3 days later St Christopher called and lo and behold the treadmill was not yet sold and he came down fifty bucks and we made a deal and went to pick it up. And of course when I turned up St Christopher was a priest. Of course. Thank you OGB's.

Does anyway else find this freaky and funny or is it just my need to find the OGB's in all that I do?

Oh and just in case you think I've forgotten - sorry I havent blogged for a while - I have been keeping up to date with all your stories even if I dont get to comment you're all in my heart all the time and I feel very priviledged to know you all!

New Year, New Decade, New Shaggs!

2009-12-30T09:20:00.003+11:00

In the spirit of the New Year and some of my fellow bloggers coming clean about their tainted and tortured pasts I have decided to post these pics.

This is me this time last year. I was swollen, bloated, anxious, depressed and just (literally) itching to get out of my skin. I had called every single surgery who performed

lap banding and they were all closed and I just couldnt wait to speak to someone. I was banded almost one month exactly after these photos. I only allowed these photos to be taken because I knew one day soon I would be looking at them as pictures of "old shaggs".
On that note, I'd like to thank you all for being in my life and sharing your lives and advice with me and wish you all a Happy New Year full of dreams and wishes come true!

Festive 14!!!!

2009-12-29T18:59:00.003+11:00

Yes as promised this is me in size 14 jeans!

Sorry about the arse shot - just couldnt help myself!

And that just about wraps up my New Years resolutions for 2010 - all done!

WARNING - SIZE 14 PIC TO COME!!!! STAY TUNED!!!!

2009-12-29T16:22:00.002+11:00

A quick blog because something monumental happened to day - I bought size 14 pants (thats US size 10 - sounds so good!) You know, we can get so hung about numbers and our weight on the scales and whether or not people notice that we have lost weight etc etc etc. All I can say definitively is that this time last year my jeans (the ones I'm wearing in the pic to the left) were size 22 (I wouldnt even have considered wearing 3/4 pants - far too much skin showing!) and today I am comfortably wearing size 14 (3/4 jeans) from a standard shop not plus size just plain old plain old. I'm sure people look at me strangely when I say I've lost nearly 20kgs but I'm a pretty short girl and I've worked out that for every 5-7kgs I lose I also go down a size so maybe from now on instead of saying "I've lost nearly 20kgs" I'm going to say "I've gone down 4 dress sizes and before you pull a face or make a strange noise - stick it up your arse!"

We're also coming up to our one year anniversary (10th Feb) and it was this time last year I was making appointments and getting excited (and I was also at the lowest point in my physical life) and I've been thinking about all of the strange pre-conceived ideas I had about the band and how I thought it'd be and how different and how spectacular this reality is. I took some photos back then of me in my cozzie and some really bad ones when I was feeling really low and really hopeful about the band and I cant wait to find them and post them all for you - I really need to express the difference in my quality of life and my happiness that the band has brought to me - its really hard to express when you dont have a gobsmacking loss (well not to anyone else anyway - I'm stoked) to leave everyone gasping but man - my life has done a complete 360 in under 12 months. Its been gradual but it has actually happened and it cant be undone! YAY!

I've got fake tan on at the moment but I'll be getting dressed soon so I'll take a pic and post it then.

Check the gazongas on that!!!!

2009-12-11T09:35:00.003+11:00

Yes the waist may be getting smaller and the arse a little more "junk in the trunk" and a little less "critical mass overload" but man, those titties just keep on keepin on! There I was trying to suck in the gut, adjust the hair, control the jowls and hold just the right yogic pose for the final pic update of 2009 and low and behold the puppies steal the show and give me a whole new world of situations to adjust and cope with. I just cant wait for the circus freak that will be me size 8 with size 22 E cup babies! The husband is beside himself with delight! I really didnt mean for this pic to be a boob fest but man - you can't suck in your chest and you cant keep a good boob down (actually mine stay down on their own - they require some serious scaffolding to stay up).

Anyhoo, I have just had a fill. Call me mental crazy or the holier than thou bandster of 2009 but the fact remains I got a fill one and a half weeks before xmas (aka - food fest). Thank you to me! And of course I'm celebrating with a champers - it is liquid after all and I swear if I drink anymore of the stuff I'll be able to put a nozzle on the above mentioned puppies and start pouring straight from the tap! I would like to hog out right about now and eat but I'm aware we're in crazy times with my fills at the moment and I'm erring on the side of caution from here on in.

I lied to get in for an appointment tonight also you will all be proud to know. I called in the ooger boogers and my old scamming grandma (she would cut in line and stand at the front and when someone would point out "there's a line up" she would put on her best dazed and confused old lady look and say "yes, I know isnt it terrible?"). I have waited 3 months for an appointment after appointments had been cancelled etc etc and my appointment was actually for next week. I have called everyday asking if there had been any cancellations and yesterday the woman mentioned that I should call at night and see if they could squeeze me in. Which got me thinking.....

So I drove an hour tonight and turned up without and appointment praying that the ooger boogers were right. I pretended my appointment was tonight and can you believe the computer was down?????? And can you believe they let me in and I got a fill????? Love my cowboy doctor and loved the receptionist so much I took her a present (another thing the ooger boogers suggested) so I feel we're karmically clean.

I can feel my fill which is a lovely sign and since I saw the cowboy 3 months ago I have lost 4.9 kilos so we were all very happy and back slapping etc and now I'm all set for xmas and I should be safe from going haywire on the food and I'm feeling ready for anything!

By the way, that photo was taken on Friday morning and is pretty much the way I've been feeling lately - just so blessed and so beautiful and so full of love and light! Puking kind of stuff I know but really - the world is a beautiful place.

Love to all of you beautiful bloggers and may you all have a beautiful day ahead of you.

(Un)Bride for a Day

2009-12-06T20:18:00.006+11:00

I think we've spoken before of my unwedding day? The day I got married in a maternity dress, had fights with most of my family, shared a pig on a spit and coleslaw in my parents backyard and missed out on the wedding cake (and saying goodbye to most of the guests) because I was taking my grandmother in law home? You know the day?? Well, I was never really one for the whole white dress and walking down the aisle idea UNTIL I learnt that as a wife and mother you only get ONE DAY in your whole entire life that is ENTIRELY about you and your princess fantasies. Had I known back on the 21st November 1998 that I would no longer exist as an individual let alone an individual deserving of a few moments of princessness I would have gone the whole bridezilla and had a huge full one wedding frou frou dress and all!!!

So as you all also know, when I get down to a fantasy size I am going into a wedding boutique and having the time of my life trying on every gown possible preferrably just like the one in the pic (down the left hand side of the blog). Fun! It seems tho the universe had a whole new plan for me and hey, I'm along for the ride and I like where the ride took me on Wednesday last week!

I was with one of my lovely besties who was in town to pic up her unwedding dress. (The wedding or relationship isnt happening anymore) but we went in and she decided to try on her dress to take some pics to sell the dress on ebay. Well the lady who helped us out just couldnt have been more lovely and joyously sharing in the fun of being with the two unbrides. You see we had planned that I would try on my BFF's dress also to in some way experience the fantasy but something strange happened.....

During the course of trying on her dress (sorry back to the ooger boogers) there was a distinct presence with us (my bestie nursed her mother to her death about 12 years ago and mum was DEFINITELY there sending little messages and it became very apparent that BFF should keep her dress cause she'd be needing it!) The whole energy of the situation changed and it felt like we had cleansed and annointed the dress and that it should definitely be kept and I would definitely not try it on cause it would just feel wrong.

So, my lovely lady helped me try on one of theirs and can you believe the ooger boogers took me straight to where I found the ONLY size 18 frou frou dress in the place!!!!! In amongst the size 8 sheaths and the 2500 size 10 silk explosions my dress flung itself at me and before I knew what was happening I was being squished and choked into the dress of my dreams albeit a few sizes bigger than I'd planned but there was no time like the present. Never again would the stars align in such a fashion that the energy, the glorious boutique, the lovely sales assistant and my lovely BFF would all come together to be with me at that moment. As the zip was finally heaved into submission wedding bells rang loudly throughout the PA system in the shop (I kid you not!) and we were all moved to tears!! It was one of the most sublime and inexplicable moments of my life even these words do not describe the love, joy and utter fantasy of the moment.

Can you tell by the pics?

Thank you ooger boogers for pulling out all the stops.......

The Summer of Shaggs

2009-11-18T20:53:00.004+11:00

OMG! Over a month without a post! There is so much to write about, pics to post and love to share and its coming I swear (just not right now!) Actually living life with not much time to write about it. Weight has stabilised around 87-88kg. Still love my band. Contemplating another fill before xmas to keep me honest over the festive season - remember girls (and boys) its Christmas DAY not Christmas MONTH! (another weight watchers gem!). Done some more fabulous shopping around Melbourne (freakin brilliant shopping!) and I am pleased to say I havent bought one black item - my wardrobe is a festival of colour!! A veritable rainbow of summer lovin! A lick of fake tan, a new haircut and dye job and man - this is the summer of Shaggs!!!!

To give you some idea of what we're dealing with here - this is a pic of me at the school trivia night collecting one of the major prizes.

Here are ten quick facts about that evening:

1. I sat at a table with at least three people whom I would consider "friends" and even a "best" friend!!!

2. I drank far too much

3. I made 80 people laugh and cheer for me (move over Britney)

4. I provided sexual innuendo for every single question asked no matter how dry eg: when asking Melbourne Cup (a famous horse race in Australia) questions such as "who rode the winner" I of course answered (very loudly) "my husband!!!"

5. I did not answer one single question correctly despite being famous for knowing useless crap ie: trivial facts.

6. I won the 2 major prizes of the evening (based on luck not correct answers) One was a hamper worth $700 and the other an 8GB MP3 video/audio player. Thank you to the ooger boogers for the luck cause let me tell you - I NEVER win anything! I dont mind so much but really it was an amazing feat. I had done some free readings that week for some very needy people and I guess it was the ooger boogers way of saying thanks (not necessary but very nice)

7. I was in the toilet when one of these prizes was won in the major raffle - thats how sure I was that I wasnt going to win

8. They found me in the toilet in order to give me the prize

9. I now have LOTS of friends around the neighbourhood who I have no recollection of ever meeting but they all seem to know me (and thats ok - lots of people waving and smiling with kids following up behind them in the school's uniform)

10. The only child in the room was at my table. BIG mistake! My daughters questioned my sobriety on the night later in the week (after talking to the said child) and when I crumbed and displayed horror and mortification they finished with "dont worry mum - he said you were hilarious" noice.

All I can say is "FUN". I made some lovely friends out of the night so I would consider it a success despite it getting kinda messy.

Bring on summer - Shaggs is READY!!!!

Does thinking about walking count?

2009-10-13T04:05:00.003+11:00

I am horrified to say I didnt walk (totally forgot all about being accountable to you guys) and seeing as its 4am and I cant sleep I dont think I'll be walking this morning either - or maybe I will if I'm still up???

Dont know how I've managed to keep 3 children alive this long I'm so unreliable.

Cant put sentences together anymore.

Keep on me about this wont you guys?

Happy Life Boring Blogger

2009-10-11T17:02:00.004+11:00

My life is almost perfect. If I had one of these bottle stoppers for the copious amounts of summer afternoon drinks I have been consuming I would be no happier but perhaps a little more complete and I would have an interesting little conversation starter.

Things are motoring along nicely here in the land of Shaggs. The weight has kind of plateaued which is actually a good thing for this time of the month (and not to mention the hedonistic life I have been leading) - I'm just riding the wave (of hormones and weight). I have to constantly pinch myself with my life at the moment - the warm weather is starting to outweigh the cold miserable weather, we go fishing, to the beach, the park, in the spa, we hire awesome boats and scoot around the bay, we have friends over for BBQ's, we (I) drink too much, friends and family come from all over to stay and holiday with us. People are coming for readings and work is picking up to a very nice level. Its lovely. No buts. No ifs and no "howevers".

Boring, hey?

I told you happy posts are nowhere near as entertaining as the comedic, hollow despair that is one of life's downslides.

I have questioned the tightness of my band on several occasions. Sometimes too tight and sometimes I wonder should I really be able to consume what and how much I do eat? Perplexes me. I know for sure its time to start pulling some weight of my own and I REALLY want this summer to be more comfortable and full of pretty summer cotton. I have also found myself slipping into the whole "eat whatever goes down" diet plan and going hard on the chips and chocolate and WAY too much alcohol. Having a nice life certainly brings far too many opportunities to eat and drink far too much and far too much fabulously tasty fatty food and drinks.

Perhaps I should use this boring post as an opportunity to put it out there........

I am going for a walk tomorrow morning and I expect you all to hold me to it. You must all ask via the comments section if I went for a walk and if I neglect to post for a week you know I haven't done it and I need to be called in for questioning. I really need your help on this one guys.

Can you all believe how my life has turned around from the pits of despair I found myself in 2 months ago? I made my wishes and I believe the universe has delivered. I still miss my family and friends in Sydney but my friends and lovely life here certainly ease the pain. Or it could be that my severe life threatening 3 monthly mood cycle hasnt yet reached its full swing? We'll see - lets keep an eye on the dates one month from now will I be psychotic again? And yes I do expect you all to remind me of this.

I love you, I honestly love you

2009-10-01T22:49:00.004+10:00

Cant talk too in love.

This Fat Chicks' In Luuuuurve!

2009-09-29T20:20:00.004+10:00

I'm in love with a little silicone band.

87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87 87

kilograms, that is......

87 kg today! Well f$%^&*( me! That is just freakin amazing!

Loving my fill. Loving my band. Totally understand what this thing is all about. I can eat. But very carefully and very slowly. Had a bad really tight day on Sunday but just did liquids and now I'm great! No puking for two days and did I mention I weigh

87kg

I have not been that for about 2 years or more and then it was because I was busting a nut at the gym. Ha! Before that it was 6 years ago and busting a nut at weight watchers.

I'm not busting a nut now, I'm gonna bust a move.....

"Loving youuuuuuuuu is easy cause you're beautifullllllllllllll"

I love you band, I really really really love you.

School Holiday Fun

2009-09-24T08:28:00.002+10:00

So I didnt die over night with an eroded band and I'm here to tell the story that I love this fill and my band and I saw 88kg today. Admittedly the scales couldnt decide whether to stay 88.8 or go to 90 and since they only move in . 2 increments it could have been and 88.9 either way I saw the good side of 90 and I'm happy.

Its school holidays here and I'm actually surviving and maintaining a reasonable level of sanity. The fill has laid off a little which is reassuring and I was able to eat some lasagne last night which REALLY filled me up and wasnt really that much. I do, however, find that it does still go down rather quickly!? Maybe I need to try something more solid before I pass judgement but I did get VERY full on a VERY small amount - thank you Mr Band and my gun slinging, rootin tootin cowboy doctor.

My beautiful little poodle puppy Peter has now learnt to pick up his own lead and basically ask to go for a walk and will not enter back into our driveway until he is spent so walking it is for me now.

I now take back everything I said about school holidays - stay tuned on youtube for footage of a mother going medieval on her three little farts.

Me and My Cowboy (Doctor, that is)

2009-09-23T10:05:00.003+10:00

So drove the one hour to get to the doctor last night and boy was he worth it!!! And boy am I filled!!! (We may all look back to this post and sigh with regret when I am hospitalised with an eroded band) BUT - I am loving this! Just the feeling of air in my stomach is filling YAY! I can feel summer coming on!

Finally I feel some respect and reverence for the band and this whole procedure. Now I wouldnt dare not be on liquids for a day and then mushies. I wouldnt dare scull diet coke after red meat. Perhaps the band is going to force me into following the rules YAY! WOW!! Could this be the beginnings of Utopia (or a major health scare)? either way I'm loving this. I can feel liquids go down! Thats cool! I've had a cappuccino and an opti filth soup for breakfast and morning tea and I could feel it all go down. Can you believe I am in such a good place I could actually consume (voluntarily) opti? Anyhow, I am going to have to be REALLY careful with this one. Wow, isnt this how it should always be? Careful or dead. Sounds like a plan Stan. This sounds like the bandsters I met in the beginning who were really successful, they were also REALLY careful.

So my doctor was great. Very knowledgeable and comforting with a dash of cowboy. HE asked me all the questions and then TOLD me what we were going to do. No thinking required of me whatsoever! Loved it! Love being dominated except when I dont. Probably shouldnt have got a whole half a ml (.25 would have been fine) but really, lets stop stuffing around. Lets at least try being really over filled so we have base line but I am secretly hoping the fill lays off just tiny bit (I guess it will this is just day one after all) I'd be really reluctant to eat solids the way I feel right now BUT - THATS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE!!! YAY!!!!!! I have a lapband. I have been getting kind of funny telling any new friends I have a lapband which would suggest some kind of restricted diet or eating and I'm pretty much chowing down on anything (and occaisionally running for a quick chuck). Now I really am going to have to be a high maintenance eater. And once again YAY!

So me and my cowboy have a secret meeting place for our next hook up - I'm not allowed to tell anyone about it as no one knows. He sometimes visits a clinic close to my house so instead of mustering my big ol' cowhide an hour away I can conveniently trot myself off just 20 minutes away - noice! Thanks cowboy - you made my day!

Oh and of course - he's not too bad on the eye either! (If you like the older man situation which I know many of you out there would appreciate!)

Fill er up!

2009-09-22T14:42:00.003+10:00

So, we're down to losing the same two kilos over and over again except these two kilos are the 89 and 90 mark and not the 95 96 or otherwise. And tonight, for the first time in 3 months I am going for a fill! Or am I? By the time I get there tonight wearing a pair of jeans and a day's worth of food under my belt I will weigh the same as I did 3 months ago at my last fill (that was in the morning and I dont think wearing jeans) which is approx 92kgs. Now, the doctor of course will probably reach for the fill needle but I'm just not so sure.

Reasons why I should be filled:

Not very impressive weight loss (if any)

Can and will eat more than a side plate full

Hungry about 1.5 - 2 hours after eating

Still feeling hungry

Can eat almost anything without too much of a problem

I can feel the food has left my stomach about 10 minutes after eating

Reasons why I shouldnt be filled:

Still get stuck (but could this be my own stupid fault)

Tend towards the sloppy fatty foods when prone to getting stuck

General trend is weight loss not gain

Can maintain a sustainable level of satisfaction if I eat properly and follow rules (but it can be trying)

So, to fill or not to fill??? I still have not reached Utopia (total disinterest in food as per post op). I have listened to long term bandsters saying they cannot do ANY of the things I do on a daily basis eg: eat bread, eat fast, eat almost anything. I would LOVE to lose some serious weight for this whole thing they call summer. I'm starting to remember the horror and total self destruction of getting around on 40 degree (celsius) days sweating like a pig covered up in winter clothes. But am I ready to go back to getting stuck like a dog all the time? Maybe I am, its only the stupid snacking, eating out and shit foods that get stuck anyway its not really the tight band. I've had a taste - I got used to it I hit the 80's and I think I'm ready for more.

Maybe just a little top up and see how that goes???

Maybe its up to the doctor?

We'll see.....

Onederland in the 80's

2009-09-11T09:37:00.004+10:00

I'm living in the 80's!!

So could this be the calm after the storm or the calm before the next storm, either way as we all know in the life of this food junkie, its a roller coaster comparable only with that of a diagnosed bi-polar schizophrenic (I wouldnt rule out being tested for either condition). But as it happens all that who ha last week (and every other week) always seems to lead me into a zen like coma of virtue and strict self imposed restriction resulting in.......

89.4 kilos!!!! Shaggs has broken the 90kg mental and physical block and is now in the 80's. Which also means - to the metrically challenged - I am in Onederland! 197 pounds!! Yeehah! Thats over 30 pounds lost! Bring on the mania of the manic depression kind.

Now really, I'm coming to terms with many situations in my life (for now anyway all this could change next week and I know you wont hold it against me) and instead of fighting it and just doing whatever the hell I please instead of that which might actually help me - I have just thought more about the issues instead of the crappy ways I try to avoid them (eg: eating). Instead of just aimlessly munching my way around the house I have thought twice (and thrice and up to ten times) and asked myself will this really fix anything before I do it. I have kept the 80's goal in mind and worked solely towards it. Every time I said no to food I thought about how it was going to feel on Friday morning when I weighed in under 90kgs.

And now I really understand what the band is for. In my weight watchery days this was torture, hard and fast and very hard to resist the temptations. Now with my trusty band its only a little mental torture and not deep yearning physical torture. I dont physically need to eat so at least 90% of the problem is eliminated (i do feel sorry for the old me fighting the fight alone). I have noticed that my trigger times are just before dinner and late at night so if I can just get through those two times of the day I'm all good. If I lovingly prepare a meal for myself (as i do for everyone else in my life) I am good until the next meal (low and behold!) and I dont get stuck and puke on nibbled crap. And if I stay away from alcohol (not so easy ) my prohibitions stay firmly in place and I dont end up in an alcoholic food coma.

So through adversity we find strength, every cloud has a silver lining, the only way is up and I just pray that this mature and sensible and self loving Shaggs hangs around for a little longer.

P.S. I've made some really lovely friends.

P.S.S I'm back at work again and spiritually "on fire"! (surprise surprise!)

Where to from here? What to do? HELP!

2009-09-02T14:18:00.003+10:00

Well here we are again, starting to really feel intimidated with blogging. I feel like I rant about the same old things everyday but really, sometimes its just shit. I'm actually in a kinda nice place at the moment but I cant ignore the overwhelming feeling that I am the one in 1000 that the band does not help (maybe its more). My weight is up and down the same 2 kgs sure its not as bad as the first 2 months (when it really went up) but honestly - this is some slow moving fat. And it is all my fault I know that. I do EVERYTHING wrong. When I am conscious of what I'm doing yeah its not so bad but I still eat all day, eat all the wrong things, eat more than a bread and butter plate full I am CONSTANTLY around food and constantly nibbling.

So whats different today I hear you ask? I have to go to the doctor on Saturday and I have no idea what to say. Do you want a fill? I dont know. Are you happy with the band? I dont know. Are you possibly the most f%^&d up patient we've ever seen who is beyond help? Probably. I dont know if I am subconsciously sabotaging myself or if I'll just do whatever I can get away with. Really, is it too much to expect that my band will one day be the band it was post op? I have lost weight with the past few fills but is that just because it was too tight and I could barely eat anything and was constantly puking? Should I go back to that tight? That seems to be how others are doing it (and no i'm not including all those top chicks out there who are eating right and exercising). So much for losing 2 thirds of the weight in the first 6 months.

What am I going to do guys? I think my fill is OK at the moment cause I can eat normal foods without getting stuck BUT I can also eat a shitload too much and be hungry and looking for food after 2 hours. I dont know what to do and its shitting me. Or am I shitting me? As I said, I'm quite happy at the moment but this really needs to be sorted and first on the agenda is fill or no fill? You may say "Oh just go to the doctors and have a chat and see what he says" but the doctors here is an hour away and its a Saturday (precious family time) and smack bang in the middle of the day so its already inconvenient and if its for no good reason its even more shite.

So today I weighed in at 92 kg (after breakfast etc etc but really splitting hairs here) I have been going up and down 92kg since March. Five f$%^&*ing months! Thats shit. Whether its me or the band (and we all know its me) thats shit. Shit shit shit. So what now? Where to from here? What do I do guys? I'm just slobbing around the house, sick kids constantly (there hasnt been a week go by that someone isnt home sick since we got to Melbourne), lurking around the internet looking for something vaguely interesting to distract me from my crap, boring life, still got unpacking to do but in a stalemate cause I really dont want to be here so why keep unpacking? There's also the possibility that we may move again soon to our final destination and where we would really like to be which is Queensland. OK, honestly, I probably really dont want to be in my life at all Melbourne, Sydney or otherwise. (I honestly was feeling good before this).

Why is life so hard? Not only do you have to get through each day but you have to do it with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. You can't just glide by you have to work and work really hard. You have to be optimistic and cheery and keep on getting back up no matter how hard or how often you fall. You cant just be. You have to "be" times by ten, on steroids, hyper "be". Its shit. Oh, and I have no friends. Do I go and get a job and get busy and run 100 miles and hour from my life and never really having to face it? Will it be distracting enough or will it make things worse?

The past couple of years I have been working from home (a little isolating but very good with kids and home duties) and I could keep doing that but its going to require some work and optimism to get it up and running here and is that worth the work? Are we leaving here sometime soon? Or later? Can you believe I work as a medium and spiritual counsellor and healer requiring alot of meditation and zen like peace and calm? I'll bet none of you peeps will ever be a paying customer of this scattered freak! My clients (in Sydney) all loved our time together and came back for more and more and sent their friends (made moving even harder I left SO much behind) which just goes to prove a medium is just a channel for the other side and the information is completely seperate to the messed up human being it comes through. And yes I know I am going through a phase where I have to really sort myself out and after the storm will come the peace and through adversity blah blah blah. And why dont I heal myself? And why dont I ask "them" for the answers? Yeah, nice thought but hard to go to the "other side" in a healing meditation with three kids (including Damien) fighting like animals in the lounge room. All is good if I get my two days a week with no one around and I can keep on it but this chaos called Melbourne is really disrupting the "flow". I've thought about keeping seperate blogs for lap band, spiritual stuff and the misery of Melbourne just so I dont bore you all with stuff you'd probably rather not hear but anyway, thats me and its really hard to keep it all seperate. You dont really get the "full" picture.

(sigh).... what to do? I think it will be cleaning - seems to be the only thing that really needs doing and requires little thought. I think I need help.

My Spring Plan

2009-08-26T10:41:00.004+10:00

Did you know that my husband has been referring to my blog to get a "real" assessment of what's going on in my brain??!?!?!?! To know what I'm really crackin it over and not just what I'm telling him? (eg: Actual Event: Meltdown over him not taking bins out. Blog translation: Got PMT, gained weight today and just want to eat a cherry ripe but they get stuck my whole life sucks and now my husband cant even take the bin out). So anything I say from here on can, and will, be used against me in any future bingles with my husband and with that said - "Get back to work you lazy slacker and google porn like all the other husbands!".

So, here's where I'm at and I think this is a cyclic situation as I'm pretty sure I've been here before but I cant torture myself and read back over my own rantings to establish a pattern. I have very little actual restriction and or satisfaction (as in hunger situation). I am still getting stuck but more randomly now and usually because of my own stupidity. My PB's are now turning into full blown vomits but then, I am able to shovel more food in so naturally there would be more coming out. Now, I fear that anymore restricition than this is actually too tight and may lead me back to living on dips and crackers and anything that will go down. That I am also at fault here and should be looking after my meals a little better (most stuck situations happen while eating out (FUN) and eating whatever is available with little regard as to what will go down). I kind of get full but it only last about 2 hours before I'm thinking of food again. But then, the only time this hasnt happened was for a month after the op. I will always refer to that as Utopia. I could not have cared less about food and was full after 3 bites, but is it that just the first month of any "plan" is like that for me? Weight watchers, Duromine, lite n easy and now the band? The first month you dump a whole lot of weight you're going great guns and then - nothing and its all over.

But honestly, I need to be pulled up here and I think a fill will do it. I am booked in for Saturday week, I have been transferred to the Melbourne office and they tried to book me in for the 22nd September. I nearly fainted! I'd be back to 100kg by then (no joking absolutely real situation very nearly happened the last time I went for a month between fills) I havent had a fill for 6 weeks now and I've lost a bit of weight in that time but really - this needs to step up a notch now. Will I ever experience Utopia again? Will I ever treat this situation as a "diet" as a serious attempt on my part to lose weight? In fact - is it quite nice that I have been eating pretty much whatever I want (apart from those things that get stuck and even then still a bit of that too) and totally not been torturing myself on a diet and still lost weight? What would actually happen if I gave this a serious attempt and watched what I ate and put myself on a "diet"? What would that be like? I have a friend who had the same amount to lose as me and we pretty much kept up the same pace until the 10kg mark. Granted she is 10 years younger and doesnt have kids and goes to the gym and personal trainer all the time but guess how much she has lost? (I'm f%^&d if my husband reads this) 25kg. Yep - 25kg. She looks normal to me now and would really only need to lose more if she wanted to be skinny (not my goal). Oh, and my nickname for her is "Cockroach" cause she vomits every two steps she takes. I think she spent about 3 months too tight also but really - thats a big gap between us now. This sounds nasty and bitter towards her but it is so not. I think she's brilliant and I love her to bits if anything I'm bitter towards myself.

So is it me? I think so. I think about all of the peripheral unnecessary eating I do just cause I can and its craziness. Its time to get real about all of this now. Its taken 6 months and I think its proved itself. Its not going to go away. Nothing is going to sabotage me. I can commit to this. It's safe. Very powerful word - it's safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. The food will always be there. Its not going anywhere. I will always be lighter than when I started (that is really all I ask) there is nothing to fear. It's safe.

So what does committing mean to me?

1. Thinking before it goes in my mouth. Just stop and think.

2. Planning. Being prepared with foods.

3. Not keeping shite in the house. No more shite.

4. Water water water water.

5. Exercise (did I mention I have been walking half hour - hour everyday? So good to move)

6. Eating for health, eating healthful foods.

7. Making every moment and every mouthful count

8. Creating and sticking to goals. Keeping my eye on the prize

9. Creating the prize

10. The first prize is SUMMER

As much as this repels me (I am so over the diet mentality and the goal creation etc etc) I really think this is a different set of "rules". I have gone all out and had fun and yeah, its fun but now I want my fun to be feeling free and cool and healthy this summer. Wearing the beautiful summer clothes I've always wanted to wear. Food just doesnt bring that kind of long lasting joy. Just tiny adrenaline food gasms. Moment by moment. I want the big picture - the lasting joy of wearing something beautiful. Feeling cool and healthy. Feeling comfortable, flexible, energetic and in some small way - how I feel on the inside. I dont feel as damaged as my body looks, my body needs to catch up with my mind and soul. I can hear you all laughing - I know you get to see the really messed up me but there is alot of sanity in here too.

I'm going to end with my favourite quote - nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Love that one and love you all!

Penises and Ladies who Lunch - Pics Glorious Pics!

2009-08-21T10:18:00.006+10:00

So we all love some pics and here's a few for your enjoyment lets start with the most important shall we!

Penises in Brighton - I am want to see the sexual innuendo in a loaf of bread but honestly - its a flacid penis - right?

Lunch in Prahan - I love this scarf even though it looks like a table cloth in the pic. It's cotton and cool and its mostly white (I NE

VER wear white) I'm trying!

Coffee in St Kilda. Is this a classic St Kilda "Secret Life of Us" shot or what? I have always liked the idea of Melbourne and this is one of the reasons why. Along this strip there is about 6 cake shops all in a row and I mean serious little fancy shmancy cakes. I tried one and didnt really like it. I think I like the look of cakes more than the taste - they're so pretty! I have no idea how such a small suburb supports so many fresh cake shops all with identical stock but anyhoo St Kilda is quaint but grubby and full of ferals ah lah Newtown in Sydney. I had to use the public toilet and I swear, its been really hard knowing where my shoes have been it was beyond toxic.

Brightonish Beach - Look at what these jeans do for my arse!!!! Bugger the cute dressing sheds. Just had to put that in sorry for the total self indulgence (like you're not all used to that anyway) but I cant really put pics of anyone else in but really - look at my ARSE! (while you're looking at my arse you're not seeing my fat gut and tits!)

Peter eating a lollipop - I dont care how unhealthy it is - how cute is that!

My new cardigan. Totally crap pic the colour is much nicer purple not as

dull as here. It does up under the boobs and cinches in at just the right spot and is just the right length and yep, I love it. Never really wear wool but kind of have to when its cold here. Wool always adds a good 5kg but I'm getting over that. My mother in law and sister in law taught me to not wear huge clothes cause they just make you look huger. I used to hate having figure hugging clothes on cause they just hug the rolls but really - I look ten times bigger in billowy clothes so fitted clothes it is!

Enough for now - I'm very concerned that I'm going to lose this post any minute now so I'm off and yes of course there will be more coming. Havent posted any farewell party pics yet! Oh and I must go and get ready - we've been invited out for dinner!!! Yay! Promise I wont drink and make a total fool of myself in front of new prospective friends.

Classic Avoidance Behaviour - PICS!!!

2009-08-19T10:45:00.006+10:00

Oh boo frigedity hoo to me! This is Melbourne not Siberia and for a thousand other reasons - get over it! So lets bury our heads in the sand and move on to some light entertainment - PICS!!!

First

Shopping on Bridge Street Richmond - the only place in the world you'll find Sass and Bide right next door to some anonymous $5

clothes shop. Love it! I hope I never get used to seeing trams rattl

ing along down the road - so classically Melbourne. This is my new "hot pink almost red" short trench. Foul pic but never mind.

Pic number two - my new

jeans!!

Still size 18 but 18 from Jeans West! They're very thick, hard denim so they dont stretch and look like an empty lunch bag at the end of the day. Its also very difficult to eat in them but then - thats not a bad thing. Sorry for the stupid pic in the mirror thing but no one is around

and if I dont get this done now it will be never.

Pic number 3

My gorgeous huge (indoor - there is also an outdoor)

spa bath. This house was designed and built by two gay men with a taste for pool parties (can you tell?)

Pic number 4

Cute purple sketchers. Not the most delicate, feminine little shoe but certainly comfortable and wearable. And yes that is Peter also showing off his cute little shoes too! God forbid he should step more than 3cm away from me at any given time. A little tip about Sketchers - they stink! But, if you take out their inner soles and put new ones in they're just fine!

Going to stop here with the pics as strange things are happening when I download so before I lose everything - I'm going. More to come.

The Call of the Wild

2009-08-18T17:25:00.004+10:00

One of my favourite spring memories - I'm walking home from the train station the air is warm, I notice there's still sunlight when the week before it was dark - it's perfect dusk. There's a warm breeze heavy with the scent of Jasmine flowers that bring with it all the wonderful memories of summer - the beach, the fruit, the friends, the fun! As I walk along the street I live on I can hear a low rumbling beat in the distance, a deep bass vibration travelling down the street and getting ever louder and deeper. With each step the smell of Jasmine becomes stronger, the air warmer and closer on my skin the low rumble gets louder and louder until I reach our yard. It is the primal rumble of my father (an aboriginal elder of the D'harawal tribe) playing his didgeridoo that calls me home. And that is the beginning of summer for me. And that is home to me.

So now winter is coming to an end and its that time of year again. The days are longer, the air is warmer and filled with the

memories of summers

past. Barbeques, late night out door drinking, recovering in a crystal clear pool. Super blond hair and glowing brown

skin. The tingling sting of a slight sunburn from a day at the beach. Fizzy alcoholic drinks, homemade cocktails made from bits and pieces leftover from a big Saturday night. Ahhh summer! Made all the better by a long stream of family and friends coming and going, your place or theirs, it didnt matter. It was SUMMER!!! And this was my most favourite time of the year - the aniticipation of summer! Winter is nearly over, you're noticing the changes but you're not dealing with sweat, humidity, flies, sleeveless tops and sticky fake tan that smells like curry. You're just working with the good memories, the nostalgia. I just love this time of year.

So why do I feel so sick and desolate?

Oh, thats right - I have no family or friends.

And what is summer without them?

There is no chance if I spark up a barbeque (which we dont even have) and crack a fizzy that someone will just pop in and share in the food and drink and sweaty frivolity. Not even mum and dad will pop their heads in from next door. This is truly sad.

I kid you not, I went to Aldi for some familiarity and A. They sell alcohol! and B. Check out the name of their $3.99 special!!! I get the hint!

Please dont tell me to be patient and I'll make new friends. I want my old friends. And a month without friends to me is like a year without water. I look out to the beautiful blue sky and gorgeous almost summer sunset and I cry with total and utter despair. This is really painful stuff. I see people at the shops and I think "Oh there's so and so" and move in for a chat and then the stark realisation that this is just someone who looks like them and could not possibly be them and I could cry right there in the middle of woolworths (Safeway in Melbourne). To not see ANYONE you know for weeks at a time is really hideous. I talk to checkout people, receptionists - anyone at all and I am quietly and silently sizing them as suitable long term friend material. And if I find someone who I think would be great it practically breaks my heart that they dont invite us all over for a barbeque on the weekend. I see women stopped in the streets having a chat and I look in amazement and think - wow, they're friends?!!?? And honestly, as a sane onlooker - I feel really sorry for me. I feel like an alien on another planet. I want to scream from the rooftops - "I have friends!!! I really do!" I have been getting myself out there and going to places and "things" but I'm sure I'm scaring people off with the wretching stench of desperation. This is really so pathetic, ungrateful and really so much deeper than I expected. I knew this would be hard but this is sad on a micro level.

And lets remember why we're all here in the first place? The band. Yes the 6 month bandiversary came and went last week and let me beat you all to the rush to say - I would never have lost and kept off the 14 kilos I've lost without it but really (and my husband has started asking questions) should things have moved a little faster than this? Maybe not. I must remember the first two months without any kind of a decent fill were a complete write off (excuses excuses) and its only been the last 3 months I've felt vaguely on top of it all so really 14 kilos in four months is pretty much right on. So lets let that one go......

Although - that summer thing again - I would have thought I would be much more physically comfortable and less insulated this summer and wearing pretty cotton summer numbers this season but like those gorgeous winter boots - ta ta to that dream!

So the band is on again off again at the moment. I think its off to the doctors next week although I'm still getting stuck and puking every day. Who knows - I'm lost - no idea. I dont understand how I can be so tight I'm puking and yet still feel hungry and never full??? I think its my habits not the band. So do I need another fill? Wouldn't have a clue.

I swear to you, the pics are coming and I would have put them in this post but the pics are kinda funny and this is kinda not (sorry bout that).

So, people think that aboriginal people are nomadic and can live anywhere travelling where the wind and food takes them and so maybe its the whitey in me that is suffering so much from the move? But then, what people fail to recognise are the ties to land and tribe that aboriginal people feel - we may wander but always on the same land and with the same people.

And I don't have either.

The world's best kept secret!

2009-07-28T14:29:00.003+10:00

Sorry no pics yet but I swear they are coming! I just LOVE my new clothes - I actually feel like I look in my new clothes. For so many years I have worn whatever would fit and in colours that are slimming (ie: black) but everything I bought on Sunday is pink and purple and I just love it all!!! Its horrible in life when your outside is not an expression of your inside and while I would still like some more options I'm pretty happy with what I got on Sunday.

I also love Melbourne. No I was not being sarcastic in my last post and I should have pointed this out before I had a whinge on Saturday night but I love Melbourne and where I'm at is not the problem its totally just the lack of friends and family - and I dont want new ones I just want the ones I had! Well, new friends are great dont get me wrong but I also want my old ones.

So the weather here at the moment is my favourite weather of all. It is cool, crisp and dry. Perfect weather for straightened hair (stays perfect all day), oily skin (stays clear and smooth), big asses (a good jacket hides all sins), higher kilojoule consumption (gotta keep warm somehow) people who wear black all the time (a scarf can be a colourful addition to any outfit without adding kilo's and rolls to your gut in fact, a scarf creates a slimming, vertical line and actually covers the gut rolls - everyone's a winner!). And Melbourne has some GREAT shopping!!! I dont know if it was because I lived in a shitty area in Sydney where all of the clothes were either trashed in the shop or there were no larger sizes left cause, lets remember there's like 10 fast food outlets around these shops and all of the larger sizes would go instantly!

So there are many reasons I love Melbourne, let me just finish by saying that this place is one of the worlds best kept secrets! It is the perfect blend of beach and city and family and funky life and I just love it! Its cheaper, easier, friendlier and far more lovely than Sydney in so many ways, if only everyone was here...

Oh and my band is as tight as so the weight is dropping off. Actually saw 90.8 yesterday! Couldn't eat meat and carbs together if I tried and I do at least one puke a day but I'm loving it and my husband is getting to know what its like to date a bulimic super model (I disappear at least 3 times every meal to make myself more comfortable!).

Part II

2009-07-26T22:10:00.000+10:00

So I went shopping.

Enough said.

Pics to come.

Love Melbourne.

And just when you thought it was safe to blog....

2009-07-25T20:46:00.006+10:00

Hands up who can tell that I'm a sad Mexican (Victoria is south of the border from Sydney) with no friends? Or who is not quite switched on enough to figure out that it is Saturday night here and I'm blogging? I'm thinking that if you've got friends you share your stories live and in full colour on a Saturday night and not type away frantically to "cyber" friends who aren't actually sharing in the story at this actual point in "real" time.

So we've been here for almost two weeks and I've kept myself kind of busy with various things. I have one friend here (I met her online during the banding process and I often wonder if things would have been different had she realised I would one day turn up in her "real" life - oops!) and aside from her - there is no one. Yep, no one. Party girl central has turned into lonely librarian of the year. I have called almost every Sydney person I can think of including my mother and no one is answering and those who do are busy being people with friends. I am being a typical friendless person and drinking on my own, crying for no reason and blogging. Fun.

I sit here and wonder how long will it be until I have friend. A "real" friend. You know one of those people you just cant wait to see and theres no awkward silences and you have everything in common and all the kids get along and they like to drink too? Will it ever happen? I dont think I had come to a point where you dont meet new people anymore cause I was still making really good friends right up until I left Sydney. I went out to a group meeting thing last night and it felt good having somewhere to go but still, my fortune for a "real" friend. The lonliness is palpable.

Add to all this the fact that as I suspected, we dont really fit in here. There are some very beautiful well put together people in these parts and I either need to go and do a full wardrobe overhaul or go back to south west Sydney where I belong. My husband has been putting the pressure on for me to get some new clothes shoes anything other than what I have and yes he has also mentioned that if I like something, then I shouldnt get it cause my taste is in my arse and I dont know good from bad which really just makes me want to stay home. If I take him with me as stylist then we have three whinging kids in tow and if I go on my own I'll make massive fashion faux pas. The only shoes I have smell so bad I cant take them off in a shop to buy new ones. All of my uniforms (ie: my black v neck three quarter sleeve tops) have holes in them from spending my entire sad life rubbing up against the kitchen bench. I havent been a shopper for so long I've forgotten how to do it. Material stuff just hasnt been my thing for such a long time and really, I'd rather not go there again but I also hate looking like a mumsy schmo ESPECIALLY when I weighed in at an all time low of 91.2kg this morning. Still dont think I can comfortably wear size 16 jeans so it doesnt mean alot when you're wearing the same fat clothes you've always worn but still, I thought today might be a good day but, alas, I have ended up in a funk you could smell from Fremantle.

"He" has suggested that tomorrow he looks after the kids (nice to have a baby sitter!) while I go shopping and what girl wouldnt be chaffing at the bit but dead set - I'm so not interested. Of course I would love lovely new clothes (most of mine are op shop top finds) but couldnt I just wake up and find them all hanging there in my wardrobe? Do I really have to traipse around hot sweaty shopping centres amongst beautiful people hauling my fat white arse with greasy ruddy blotchy cheeks in and out of badly lit fittng rooms buying clothes that, ultimately will be ill suited to me, my lifestyle (or lack there of) and end up wholey and stained and stretched beyond recognition. Where is the fun in that? Thats not fun. Fun is sleeping in, having a BBQ breakfast lounging about and going to a friends house and eating, drinking and laughing until the wee hours of the morning.

I really thought I had "worked through" the grief of all of this but I guess all it takes is one lonely Saturday night to highlight just how sad and lonely your "new" exciting life is (just for the record - I never thought this would be a new and exciting life). And, as per my usual response to adversity - I just want to curl up in a corner by myself (lucky for that!) and retract into a reclusive and often foetal state and hope it all goes away. There's no gung ho "everything will seem better in the morning" optimism hidden away in these bitter walls. No siree! I'm just happy that theres no one here in my "real" world to know just how fucked up this all is. Boo frigedity hoo!

I'm also pretty sure that blogging wasnt meant to bring down all the poor saps who signed up to follow this self indulgent trite crap..... sorry guys. If only there was blogger chat then this post may never have happened.

When a Camel Toe is a Good Thing

2009-07-07T08:52:00.003+10:00

I am wearing size 16 jeans.

They're tight but damn they're hot!

I have a camel toe/front wedgie/wendy in fact - the whole damn herd.

I love myself sick. I cant sit down, I cant eat (not a bad thing) and I 'm pretty sure I cant take a deep breath but good God, they're size 16!

I would have posted a picture but no one does it better than Wonder Woman.

And its a wonder I can breathe.

Hey Hey Its Saturday!

2009-07-04T08:44:00.004+10:00

This morning I could just feel that things were different so I just had to step on the scales and I was 91.8kg. I cracked the 91 mark. Phew! I realise that this is not an official weigh in day but being Saturday morning and one of my lowest points is truly a miracle in my life. In my old life I would never have weighed myself after a Thursday because weekend celebration mode would have kicked in by then and I would have weighed massively more than I should have. I have also been known to inflict Nazi style diet activity upon myself where I would deliberately make weigh in day Monday or Saturday so I would even have to suffer during times when it would kind of be fair ease off a little (but I would have abused that leniency anyway). It is really nice to notice a change in my behaviour due solely to the band. The band does not know that it is Saturday or Sunday, the band can only do the same food activity no matter what day. I still have to work on eating real meals and not picking but it is getting harder under these moving circumstances. And I'm not deliberately bashing myself up and inflicting hideous diet regimes on myself and for that I am truly grateful. I have noticed that the restriction is lightning up and I'm starting to creep more food back in so I'm off to the doctor for my final Sydney visit on Tuesday and I'm going to get a little bit of fill also.

Yep, I'm digging this.

Noah's (F) Ark (ing Hell!)

2009-06-30T20:12:00.002+10:00

OK so I'm loving my band at the moment. My really ultra tight fill has worn off to a very manageable normal kind of situation and has seen my weight drop to 92.6 and I am feeling much more in control and looking even better. I understand now how being too tight pushes you toward sloppy fatty foods to get satisfied and being filled in the right region encourages proper meals and satisfaction. However, I still seem to be size 17 although maybe I'll go and check out some smaller jeans as my usual 18's are literally falling off me and my builders crack is showing all over the shop. So, for the record, for this fickle moment in time I am officially loving my band and am seeing a bright future for me.

I am going to book in to see the doctor next week just to keep my fill options open cause I REALLY dont ever want to go back to one of those endless weight gaining bingeing periods - they are really horrible and completely unnecessary. Any of you out there who are being told to wait a whole month between fills - find another doctor (if its not working for you) cause that did my head in and now with fortnightly fills (or really whenever I want and a doctor who trusts that I am grown up enough to know what I need next) I am alive again!

I love Peter. Packing has slowed down. I'm starting to have anxiety/emotional issues over the packing and leaving situation, time is closing in on me - everyone is still being so nice to me I love everyone and dont want to leave. How the hell are we all going to get down to Melbourne? Its turing into freaking Noah's Ark - we are transporting three children, my nephew, my sister, 2 birds, eight gold fish, one axelotl, 27 baby sea snails and one puppy dog. Fracken hell! 700kms and 47 pitt stops.

See, now I'm starting to freak out gotta stop here. No amount of food is going to help this and I still have no viable alternative coping mechanisms. (except for blogging)

My "Other" Man

2009-06-29T20:44:00.004+10:00

There's a new man in my life. I'm in love. And to all of those doggie lovers out there (you know who I'm farking talking about) I am a convert. I've always liked the idea of dogs but never wanted to deal with the poo and wee etc I dont mind other peoples dogs, I freak out and run and scream if theres a dog on the loose out on the street (no matter what the size or disposition) and now I know its all worth it. He's just so cute and lovely and such a sweet good little doggie I just cant help myself. He soothes my soul. He keeps me so busy wiping up poo and pee that I dont have time to eat (The Pet Lovers Guide to Weightloss). He has added some issues to my life but he takes alot of them away also and I am really quite used to him now (two days later). It is only early days but I just feel we were meant to be.

You see, we've been thinking about getting a dog for quite some time now and thought it might be a good settling technique for the kids when we move to Melbourne and it would have been a smart idea to wait until that time however..... we were in a shopping centre on Saturday and we always like to look in the pet shops and of course I knew that the first puppies we saw we were going to get and thats just what happened. We've been looking at toy poodles - they dont drop hair, they're small, easy to handle, they're smart, they need lots of smothering love (bring it on kids), the do small poos and wees and they're just so cute even when full grown. So when we saw this little guy it was love at first sight. He was also born on the 11th and I've been having a weird freaky relationship with 11's lately and he's all black with one white paw so of course he looks like Michael Jackson and he died just 2 days before so of course it was all too serendipitous and I just couldnt resist.

Now before you all freak and think we rushed into - yes you're probably right but to counter act that we're very responsible pet owners and we will evolve to make it work should it all turn pear shaped (We have kept Damien, afterall). We had intended to go to some sort of shelter to "rescue" a lil sad doggie but it just didnt spin that way and now we have this little ball of fluff. And no he doesnt have some frou frou name like Fluffy or Widget or Muffy his name is Peter. Yes, Peter. Not MJ (Michael Jackson was his name in the shop) Brett, Shane, Warren, Craig or any other plain as an arrowroot biscuit anglo name but Peter. Named by the girls and it's stuck. He his slightly homosexual in his prancing show doggie ways but man I just cannot express how terribly cute he is and what a smart lovely good little guy he is. We have established a bed time routine and he sleeps in the laundry with the love song request radio station on. He whinges for a little bit and then we dont hear a peep from him all night. Didnt expect that! On the first night I woke up in a cold sweat at 4.30am with the full knowledge that he was dead because he hadnt whinged all night like everyone said he would. (Oh God I'm turing into one of those people who talk about their dogs. But I swear this is different. He's just so cute and lovely.) He wasnt dead just very very good but I still think he's going to die and I therefore only let him out of my sight to sleep (My love has limits).

I guess I just need to get this off my chest you see, we've had a sensational little pet like Peter before and I recognise the same soulful loveliness in Peter that I saw in the last pet and the last pet didnt last. It was a sweet little baby budgie called Chippie and lets just say for now that 3 year olds can love baby budgies a little too much. I nursed the tiny injured baby budgie for 3 days before he was sadly found dead. And I obviously havent recovered. If I even hear a sound in the same pitch as that of a desperate baby budgies screech for help I lose bowel control. Every whimper Peter lets out leaves me convinced he has met his end in some horrendous rabbit trap and my husband isnt here so I'll have to deal with it all alone. I am starting to calm down and realise that he has the innate animal instinct to survive and that combined with my overbearing need to protect him has seen him through his first 2 days here in the pet house from hell (Damien is now almost 5 so things look a little brighter for Peter) but I swear I still think he's going to die. He has the essence of a life that is only going to be short. Please everyone tell me I'm wrong and mental. I need some sleep. But then again, I think I have lost weight.....

Living your own Eulogy

2009-06-23T22:44:00.004+10:00

I'm back and I've missed you all like crazy and thank god it doesnt matter where I live, blogger friends are always there in this crazy e global situation. You see, an issue which transcends weight, lap bands, food and being size 17 is turning my "real" world upside down and has left me completely unable to find words adequate enough to truly express.

This is probably a big ol nothing to those of you who globe trot the planet all over the shop but for little ol me, I have lived, quite literally, in the same place all my life (aside from maybe six months) and here we are all up and leaving and moving almost 800kms away to Melbourne. I attribute my major upset to many different issues my main issue is leaving my friends and family and going to a place where I know one person (barely, online friend) I live in an area here where there is always someone to have a coffee with, drop in on or be dropped in on. I (happily and voluntarily) live next door to my parents for God's sake just to give you some idea of the magnitude of this. I have baby sitting on tap via many different sources for all hours of the day and night. I have just started my own business and was building up a nice little client base. And lets not even mention the spiritual importance of land and tribe to an indigenous person. I am feeling every root of my existence tearing and shredding painfully away from its base.

So why do it I hear you ask? Or are the reasons not to do it actually the reasons I should be doing it? I am a big sook lets face it. I get homesick driving out the driveway. I depend on people and I depend on people depending on me. I also have an adventurous independent streak that dies a little death every day here in suburbia. My husband also has a very lovely job in Melbourne that gives us the opportunity to live near the beach in a very nice suburb and experience a completely different life to that which we live here. Will we fit into that life? Well that remains to be seen but I also have this very conflicting and very nice and right feeling about all of this. Its like the universe has pulled out all the stops and is just placing it in our laps and I cannot ignore the feeling that something big and great is going to come of all of this cause otherwise, lets face it, there is too much at stake but these feelings and this rightness just cannot be ignored. So off we are going. And in a very short space of time too. I have tried to dig my heels in, I have tried to hate Melbourne, the house we are going to, the suburb, I have stalled, I have passively aggressively chucked a little silent tantrum and yet still, the path just gets smoother. I'm on a current and I dont have to pull not even one little stroke to get me there. Unless you count leaving my life blood (the people around me). I guess "they" are making up for the emotional pain by making the physical situation a little easier to deal with.

And now to make matters worse I feel like I'm at my own funeral. EVERYONE is being so incredibly nice and lovely and accomodating. It doesnt matter what I ask everyone jumps to it cause I'll be gone in 3 weeks so this is one of the "last times" so no matter how inconvenient something is, it happens no questions asked, before the sentence is even out of my mouth. I've committed suicide and I'm getting to listen to my own eulogies. Its really very lovely.

And lets remember I'm an hour and $70 on a plane away. I'm not in deepest darkest Africa but sometimes it feels like it.

And as for the band. Well f^&*) me if I'm not the biggest self sabotager on the planet. Part of it is the need to eat whatever I can without it getting stuck so I go for sloppy fatty foods. Everything else (other than a proper meal eaten slowly and carefully) gets horribly stuck so all this packing means I go for the quickest easiest options = pies, a constant supply of potato chips, chocolate, anything lubed up with cream or mayo. So I am just as fat as ever. Havent lost a gram. Should be going for another fill but really cant face throwing up constantly while packing and being picky about what I eat. I know I should stick to opti or something but really, I need some comfort. I know wrong wrong wrong. I'm looking forward to getting to the other end and getting in control again and getting back to morning walks (along a beach, be still my beating heart!). But until then I'm taking each day as it comes. How did I know that even at maximum effectiveness, this band was not going to change me? I know it will make the diet road easier but I really would have liked it to make more of difference than this. I am just holding on to the 10kgs I've lost that I wouldnt have lost without it. Even that's better than nothing.

Well I'm glad you're all there. That no matter where I am, blog land is still where its always been. I really love you all for that. I need that consistency, its really very comforting. Thank you.

To band or not to band?

2009-06-01T10:51:00.003+10:00

So, Damien has finally worked through his wobbly but I'm still trying to work out this restriction thing. It hurts like hell when food gets stuck BUT I still want to eat, I can eat quite a bit providing I am careful and the food is "just right" in its consistency. I rarely feel full in the stomach and quite often feel full in the lower guts area which pulls on the port and the scars and is very uncomfortable for quite some time and yet the band never told me to stop I just stopped because the food ran out. Everyone is saying I've lost weight but the scales are just the same, its all just too confusing. I am booked in for another fill tomorrow and I dont know whether to get a whole or a half or not at all. The stuck thing is rubbish but of course only happens when I eat the wrong things (like chips) or the food isnt greased up enough. I'm not snacking as much but I do really want to eat. I'm not following ALL of the rules and now I'm just thinking that this band, working or not, will never help me - I am beyond the law. I know if I cared enough to prepare foods and proper meals for myself, to eat protein, stay away from the carbs and sit down and eat "mindfully" (still havent gotten over the psychologist at the meeting) then its all good but I'm sorry, thats just too many rules and too far beyond my comprehension level.

I feel like Homer Simpson in that episode where Bart makes an electro shock cookie deterrent. Homer keeps going for the cookies, he gets shocked, he squeals, he stops, he goes for another cookie, he gets shocked, he squeals, he stops, he goes for another cookie etc etc and he never learns. He's dumber than a hampster and so am I. I eat, I get stuck, I squeal, I unstick, I stop eating, I eat again, I get stuck, I squeal, I unstick, I stop eating, I eat again blah blah blah. I'm pretty sure a gold fish learns and retains information better than that.

So, I've never been here before - where the band is kind of working but I'm not. I sometimes think if I got more fill I'd be on liquids, that there isnt much more this band can do or maybe I'm wrong. I have heard successful banders say that they can only eat very little and very carefully and I dont think I'm quite there yet - almost, but not quite - there is still a little too much random scoffing going on to be a "successful" bander yet. I would like to feel full again. I've only had that once in the past fortnight. I cannot drink while eating any more so thats great, didnt really have to practice that one, the ability to drink is kind of taken away altogether with the right fill so its all good there, no more will power necessary just the threat of atrocious pain and strange automatic purging.

And strangely enough, I'm not really missing stuffing my face. I think I'll have that fill tomorrow just to see what its like to be over filled. I've always enjoyed new experiences (good or bad). And you never know, it just might do the trick! I thought, back in February when I got this done, I'd be wearing my fabulous winter boots (must post a pic) by June but its not so. I guess I am primarily to blame. I am so not on a diet with assistance from a band. I am trying to live a normal life without being interrupted by a band. Perhaps now its time to see what its like to be dominated by a band - I wonder who'll win? Will I lose weight or end up in hospital?

I actually am starting to think (God knows I shouldnt do that) that if it all went haywire tomorrow I think I'd ask for it to come out and not put another in. I really think I am above and beyond this kind of help. And I'm not saying this in a boo frigetty hoo kinda way. Its not poor me I am totally not sad or depressed about it, it just is what it is and I really dont think I want it hanging around in there any longer like a ticking time bomb just waiting for me to really eff it up. I really dont think it can stop me, I will always eat chocolate or sloppy greasy foods in order to fill up, while there is a way around, I will take it. I dont ever think about the money involved or the pain - I think more about the threat of future monies and pain. The money is already gone but the continued expense bothers me. Our private health insurance has always been paid by my husbands work and now he has left that job we must pay it and only because of the band. If it wasnt for the band we wouldnt need the insurance. We are all healthy and blessed with good sight, teeth etc etc and feel pretty comfortable with Medicare but the band requires insurance. Bummer. This is actually starting to sound like a good idea. I've never really felt comfortable with something in me stopping me from being a super consumer in the face of the global food crisis and famine, poverty etc etc. Here I am a big fat white westerner consuming til it hurts and causes me massive health problems. It seems as pointless as if I had liposuction. What a universal farce. Constricting your stomach cause you cant stop yourself from eating and then STILL eating. I'm turning into someone I'd hate on A Current Affair. And hating myself makes it even worse. Oh god I'm starting to disappear up my own arse....

Drum roll please.........

2009-05-19T18:57:00.002+10:00

And its official - I have restriction!!! I can hear the angels singing, symphonies bashing out an earth shattering chorus, tsunamis in Japan, earthquakes in Nigeria, butterflies rooting in Hawaii!!!

I could tell something was different from the moment I walked out of the doctors office (and not just because I had the average looking middle aged doctor). Things felt a little tight in the chest area and I even felt a little nauseous so of course I had to "try it out" when I got home. I had a little bit of vegie patty (mashed vegies and not much else) and woohoo - I felt that awesome dull, full tightness, not pain or lumpies or stuckness just pleasantly full and satisified after one bite. It was then that the heavens opened up, the angels began to sing, I was moved to tears when I realised this was the feeling I had after the operation and it was back again minus the pain and awfulness of being hacked open. Dinner was the same just a little plate like the early days and then full and satisified. Damiens chucking a wobbly be back later

Praying for a Cockroach

2009-05-19T08:27:00.003+10:00

Third fill today and my God, if I'm not doing a cockroach (ie: puking every two steps) I am going to have a royal case of the shites. Have to admit this fill has been slightly better than the last but I'm still going bezerk, and really its 8.28am here and I really have to pretend like I'm a half decent mother and get the kids off to school - hopefully with their hair brushed and a lunch bag in tow. So this whole civilised "cappuccino and catching up with the peeps" thing really has to end here. Will be back this arvo with a fill update.

I have lost the will to live

2009-05-17T19:41:00.002+10:00

I have just written a post about my grand mother who died 4 years ago today and the post was wiped while I was trying to post it. I will take this as a sign that I shoudnt dwell on her death but it has broken my heart and I have lost the will to live for at least the next few hours and 8 glasses of wine

Mother on the first date

2009-05-10T09:53:00.002+10:00

Happy Mothers Day to everyone out there in blogland. Dont feel sad for me cause here I am blogging on Mothers Day morning. We've been up since sparrow's fart and I've had a lovely breakfast with my mum who lives and next door. The kids made us croissants and coffee and now everyone is either out or watching Beverly Hills Chiuaha (sic) and I have some lovely moments to myself to ponder how this whole mother hood thing started.

In order to tell the story in all its glory I have to start with how my husband and I met. I was 25 and getting really sick of the young single party girl thing (sick or what?). I remember one day working out the numbers and realising that if I met someone that day, went out for 2 years, got engaged for 1 year, got married and lived as a couple for say 2 years, tried to get pregnant for 1 year, was pregnant for 1 year I would be almost 40 by the time I heard the pitter patter of little feet. Hell man, I was clucky and that was a seriously disappointing amount of time for a really impatient girl of 25. I had just broken up with a seriously crap boyfriend, was toying around with a toy boy, just flicked the crap job, landed the job from heaven and who should be sitting next to me but this suave, sophisticated, cultured, clean, professional and far too nice for me, Latino boy. There were a few young ones in our office and we all hung out together. Latino Boy was off limits - he'd had a girl friend for 7 years, they lived on Castlreagh Street (smack bang in the middle of the city) and he was just too well paid and too mature and too unlike all of the other losers I went out with so I kept my distance. But we all had fun together. Latino Boy didnt smoke or drink so we only hung out at lunch time but we all got along well. I had never even considered he would be interested in me so he got the full version of Shaggs on Steroids - the smoking, the drinking in the office (Friday Beer O Clock etc), the filthy stories from the weekend, the swearing and blah blah blah. I really didnt think I'd be able to pick up a bikie.

So it came to be that one week all of the young ones except me and Latino Boy were in Melbourne working so it was just us for lunch that day. I dragged Latino Boy around the shops to buy cheap jeans and he had to carry my bags and he even carried them to the train station for me and not once did my alarm bells ring.

That was Friday and on Monday it was just us again and we were off to get a coffee for morning tea and Latino Boy seemed a little troubled. He had slept badly on the weekend he said and I was all very sympathetic asking why and was everything OK (couldnt believe I was seeing another side to Latino Boy) he continued his story saying he couldnt sleep because he was thinking about me......

Yes I nearly fell over! What!???? Now as an Aussie Sheila I find it very hard to cope with overt displays of such emotion but I have to say I think I did ok. We wondered around the city for a long time that day trying to work up the courage (without the use of alcohol) to discuss what was going to happen with this revelation. Latino Boy decides he should break up with old girlfriend and I agreed we could give it a go but I wasnt going to promise anything and if it didnt work then Que Sera.

So Latino Boy broke up with old girlfriend that night and the next morning there was a bunch of red roses on my desk bigger than my parents dining room table (unextended). The next day there was a bottle of my favourite expensive perfume in my desk drawer (and yes it was in a limited edition bottle and it was Eau de expensive Parfum and beautifully wrapped from David Jones), the next day was November Lillies and it just went on from there. We sent filthy messages to each other all week via NetSend messaging (very early MSN via a linked network - he was a network engineer) and finally Friday night came and we went out for dinner to a Spanish restaurant. He ordered in beautiful, fluent orgasmic Spanish (second only to beautiful, fluent network engineer lingo) and I drank copious amounts of Sangria (of course, finally alcohol to help me deal with this crazy scenario) and before I knew I was waking up in a thick bath robe eating chocolate croissants and fresh orange juice overlooking the QVB and Darling Harbour - exuisite!!! It was like Pretty Woman without the exchange of cash (just dinner and the apartment was like a hotel oh and breakfast - lucky little westie that I am!)

So what has all of this first date stuff got to do with Mothers Day??? Well, everything. You see it was that night, after a week of truly filthy messaging, flowers, parfums, Spanish, food, his beautiful apartment on Castlereagh Street etc etc we both caved in and went ahead without adequate (or any) protection. I knew my cycle and believed it was a calculated risk but what I didnt calculate was the effect of all this wooing on my hormones making me ovulate early and wham bam thank you mam two weeks later I realise I am "late" and yep, I got pregnant on the first date! We know it was the first date because after that night we were vigilant about contraception and that was the only time the troops went in without a helmet.

So we had been together for two weeks and I was four weeks pregnant (pregnancy is counted from the start of your last period). Let me say it didnt go down well amongst his family who all believed we must have had something going while he was still with the last girlfriend ( who was still a friend to the family and the poor woman scorned) He also comes from a long line of women scorned and left by men. I urged him to leave me before anyone found out. We had a good few months before I would start to show and by then the baby could technically be anyones and he didnt have to look like the deserting baby daddy. But he was keen to stay (I really think now he wishes he had of run) and I looked like the seducer who trapped the poor Latino Boy.

So we got married when I was 11 weeks pregnant ( I just couldnt handle having a baby with a different name from mine and we'd already toyed with the idea of getting married before the baby thing was discovered). I just wanted to have a registry wedding and go to Doyles for seafood lunch but my mother thought it was rude to ask people to go to Doyles so she made us have a "reception" (and I use the word loosely) in her backyard. We had a pig on a spit and some coleslaw and potato salad out of huge plastic boxes, I had a fight with my sister, my brother had a fight with my father, I went with my new husband to pick up his old grandma and by the time we got back there was my mothers western suburbs back yard with South Americans on one side and Aussies on the other and no one knew who the f%^& anyone was and if they were even in the right place. I then (bitterly) watched everyone but me get pissed and then I went with my husband to take his old grandma home and by the time I got back it was over and everyone had gone home and we didnt cut the cake (a running tradition in my life). We should have just left it at Doyles. Did I mention I wore a maternity dress? I had gained about 15kg in the first 3 months of pregnancy.

So, by the time I had known my husband for a year (and I mean to the day) my daughter was born. Just the sweetest, blue eyed, blond haired gorgeous little cherub. We were total lunatic first time parents and did everything wrong but she's turned out surprisingly well balanced under the circumstances. And yes, no one believed my husband was the father because she is so very fair and even less so when baby number two turned out darker than her father even. People still ask if they're both mine and I always answer yes and that they both have the same father just so no one gets uncomfortable (or rude) and has to ask. Funny thing is, number one looks like his family but has my colouring and number two looks like my family but has his colouring and number three is the Devil's Spawn so we're still not sure who he looks like.

So that was all nearly eleven years ago and we're still here to tell the story. I'm not the size 10 beauty queen anymore (I gained 40kgs in that first year and I'm still trying to get rid of it) and he's not the sweet Latino Boy who showers me with affection and gifts anymore but then, thats life. I dragged him out to the burbs to live near my family just while the baby was little and of course we're still here. He can sometimes be seen in unironed Target clothes and even has a pair of jeans from Big W that I never got around to taking up so are frayed on the bottom. I know a little part of him has died in order to accomodate me and father hood but then, I think we're better now than we were then. And Devils Spawn and all - I wouldnt change thing.

The (Un) Support Group

2009-05-09T10:46:00.003+10:00

So, the support group meeting is primarily a farce. The staff try to "make a difference" and it just turns out a bit tedious and boring. However, the people and the "free time" we get to have to chat to each other is brilliant! I have met some truly hilarious, lovely, generous and mental people and it is not uncommon to still be standing chatting in the car park until 10pm (we are kicked out of the meeting room at 8pm). We talk all about the ridiculous mental things we do and how messed up we still are despite taking steps to unmess ourselves. The ridiculously skinny phsychologist who runs the group appears to be more messed up than us and had us doing the "mindful raisin" task which quite frankly was an insult and I told her so. When she asked us to express how we felt (in her best Neil from the Young Ones voice) I let loose told her I think it is criminal to give one raisin to overweight people at dinner time and then be lectured by an extremely thin woman about savouring that raisin and being "very mindful" of it - of course I also had to add in that it is obscene to be preached about how to eat by a girl who hasnt seen a steak since last century. She appreciated my honesty (I think the psychologists oath dictates that she must accept any expression of her patients feelings no matter how confronting or personally offensive). Everyone went very quiet after this and it seemed the meeting came to an abrupt and premature end but that worked out well for everyone because we were granted the freedom of "free speech" and we could all chat about how Cherry Ripes hurt on the way down and if get someone to pat you on the back you can get unstuck and continue eating a Big Mac.

Its all very sad really isnt it? We pick on the skinny girl (whats the difference between picking on the skinny girl or the fat girl?), we (I mean I) get the shits because I cant eat whatever I want (I want my cake and eat it too and the chiko roll and whatever else is going), we (I mean I) are given really good advice and we (I mean I) rubbish it even though I know its what is lacking and what I need to get ahead and we all revel in how bad we can possibly be and how we can abuse ourselves and our bands. Nice.

So my band seems to have been working a little more these days or I'm just not deliberately ignoring it. I still eat when I'm not hungry in order to avoid getting hungry at inappropriate times eg: while out or when there is no food or bad food around. I got stuck again last night on those hideous chips that got me stuck last time (will I EVER learn!) this time it didnt last as long but man it hurt!

So the scales have been a little kinder this week and I really am going to get a casual pass to the gym and there is a personal trainer session on Thursday mornings I can take Damian to and work out with some other mothers so I'm getting back on the horse so to speak (not the trainer and yes I attract hot trainers like a I attract the medical professionals also "I'm sorry hot trainer but I cant do a sit up because my gut rolls are in the way").

So off for another week - I really am going to try and reign in the nasty sting of bitterness and quell the stinking swap of resentment that has permeated my experience with this band for the last few weeks and try and make the most of it. Only a week to go to the magic 3rd fill.

The Love is Gone

2009-05-05T16:49:00.005+10:00

So, I go to see the dietician this morning cause I figure - what else is the skinny bitch there for other than to make me feel bad cause she's such a skinny bitch? Afterall, I AM having problems here and I like to share and damn it, its her job, so fix it skinny bitch! And the bottom line is...... diet and exercise or the band wont work!! Tah-dah!!!

I paid over $6000, got royally chopped up, humiliated myself (several times and continuously) in front of a not-so-bad-on-the-eye surgeon, went through shocking pain, suffered Optifilth, suffered nursing home liquids and gave up the ability to comfortably eat Cherry Ripes all to be told that I must now diet and exercise!!!! What is wrong with this f$%^& up world?????

Now please correct me if I'm wrong - but I got a band because...... and let me think hard...... I am ABSOLUTELY shite at the diet and exercise thing???? If I could diet and exercise I'm pretty sure I wouldnt be 94 95 93 92 95 94 93 93 94 freaking-shithole kgs! I thought dieting was over once I got the band. That I would feel full and not even have to think about the kilojoules in any given food stuff because I could only ever eat a "safe" amount???!?!!? That even if I ate pure lard all day I couldnt eat enough to do any damage!!!!?!??!?! Talk about freaking well let down. This is shiteness in the extreme. I hate this. And I'm pretty sure my blog says the same thing at around about the same time last month and i was begging for another fill and dejavu! Here I am again!

How many more f%^&ing fills do I need to have to make this work? Will I be that poor sad loser that even a band cant stop? Even Skinny Bitch thinks I should go for another fill but the doctor said only once a month last time and she cant override that. What good is it to be skinny if you still cant get your own way?

And my mother, god love her, now looks at me with even MORE disappointment in her eyes. I'm sure she thought she would all of a sudden end up with Cindy Crawford for a daughter, meeting up with her for lunch and showing her off to all her work mates. But alas, no, she suggests I go back on Opti. "Bend over mother and I'll show you what I can do with Opti!" She keeps asking me hows it going I'm sure just to see if I'm a liar or not cause quite evidently I havent lost a gram and if I should say I have then we can put it down on record that Shaggs is officially a liar.

So much for zipping up my winter boots.

So much for the size 12 shirt dress.

So much for the wedding dress tryonmarathon.

This sux (cue Shaggs' teenage alter ego).

So Skinny Bitch says I have to watch what I eat and exercise. I think not being able to eat Cherry Ripes and having to physically wrangle Damien The Devil's Spawn pretty much qualifies me under the umbrella of diet and exercise. I am now off to my monthly support group meeting call me psychic, but I dont think this is going to end well.

I hate this.

Nipple amputation and getting the most out of your empty wine bladder.

2009-05-04T11:02:00.007+10:00

I dont think I need another pic for my pic updates as I look exactly the same now as I did a month ago and a month before that so can you all just appreciate the pic that is there and imagine the words "Two months post op" and "Three months post op". I do naively have faith that this thing is going to work and pretty much everyone in any walk of life will agree that there is a wax before the wane and just when you're about to give up, things start working again. But for now, I'll go with an ever so slight discomfort about 30 seconds after I swallow and we'll call that restriction. Right lets move on cause this band shit is getting old.

Ok, so since boobs are about 99% fat and not a terrible lot else of course they are one of the first things to go when you start on the losing streak. Mine need to be "picked up" and placed in a bra cup. Removed from under my husband when we wake up in the morning - we call that hold the "mammogram". When my husband sits in his desk chair his head is exactly level with my chest and there's no hiding the fact that that is the perfect opportunity to almost suffocate him with a hug to the head into the DD cups and it does actually suffocate him as the loose skin actually has the capacity to be sucked into the nasal cavity. Now, thats all good and well but this all takes place with the bra and shirt on and yes the girls are most definitely level with his head. However, try going for the full monty flash and I nearly wet pants and cried all in one when my husband actually had to readjust his neck in order to even look at the said DD cups. What started at eye level ended up resting on the arm of his chair. Nice. It all happened so fast he had to get an adjustment with the family chiropractor - yes girls - another handsome doctor at the most inopportune of times - "Excuse me handsome, dapper, older man but it seems that my frame is struggling under 40kg of excess flesh - do you think you could manipulate my cottage cheese back cleavage and realign my frame to accomodate another deep fried mars bar?".

So, as you can imagine my DD cups (which they still are because what they now lack in plump cushy fat they make up for in loose skin) are begining to resemble empty wine bladders (back to those 90cent mozelle days - if you hold the valve open and blow into an empty wine bladder you can get more goon out - did you know that?). We all remember the 4 year old AKA Damien the Devil's Spawn. What I havent mentioned about Damien is that he also has a touch of the obsessive compulsives (of course he has you say) and he went through a period of opening every kitchen drawer and having them all opened but staggered - quite a nice look I must say - from opened a little to the bottom drawer which is opened alot. Now this kitchen is very new and has very slidey drawers that almost shut on their own very fast and very smoothly.

So there I am in my old nanna's seer sucker nightie with my empty wine bladders swaying in the breeze and I bend down to shut all the drawers but I'm not moving fast enough for the shutting of the drawers and the next thing I remember is lying on the kitchen floor and looking at the ceiling and wondering why someone has shoved a hot poker through my nipple. The pain was blinding. Somewhere off in the distance someone was screaming and I thought I had to pull myself together and save my children from whoever was killing them and then I realised the screaming was coming from me. I didnt want to look in case there was blood and how was I going to explain to the paramedics (of course they would be hot paramedics) what had happened. Do you put an amputated nipple in a bag of frozen peas in case they can reattach it? Would they find the nipple amongst all the peas? Are peas allowed in the operating theatre? Would they build me a new nipple out of ass fat? Would I lose weight? Would I have a dent in my ass? Could they suck more fat out of my arse cheek so at my arse looked smaller from one side at least? Should I get the surgeon (of course it would be a hot surgeon) to insert a nipple ring while he's there stitching me up? Could he put in a silicone insert while he's in there so at least one of my DD cups stays up in my husbands face?

Oh what goes through your brain in times of stress.

As it so happens, the nipple was red and a bit bruised for a couple of days but otherwise fine. The same cannot be said of my 14 year old nephew who was staying over - poor boy - young impressionable boys should not know that nipples can get stuck in drawers. If he turns out messed up I've promised his mother I'll pay the therapy bills. I'm sure he'll never be able to hear a woman scream in pain without thinking of his aunties saggy boobs and elongated nipples. He'll be in the delivery ward with his wife and he'll be rocking in the corner in the fetal position at the sounds of her screams (unlike all the other dads who are cosy in a bean bag sleeping off the gas abuse).

I can still feel the pain now. You can too, cant you? Hands up who's rubbing their boobs right now?

So the DD cups are looking great in a bra and with a smaller waist but they hide that smaller waist when the bra is gone. Ass is still huge. Guts gotta go. Que sera!

Oh and by the way, my husband has an office at home - this didnt all start in some cube farm with a young intern (of course he'd be hot) wondering who was suffocating his boss at his desk with a pair of big saggy titties.

So, if you have big saggy boobs - watch out for the kitchen drawers and if you have small perky boobs (I hate you) and watch out for the tall boy drawers.

Back by unpopular demand

2009-05-04T10:59:00.000+10:00

So what do you want to hear? Yes, I was blessed with some minor form of restriciton a week after my second fill. Yes, I am still hungry and yearning for food but I have learnt to overcome that by either eating sloppy, greasy, fatty foods that slide on down or take little nibbles and eat very slowly the foods I really should be eating. Either way I have enormous capacity, little pain and consequently have only barely managed to shift approx 1kg of the debacle we'll call my first fill. I have lost all interest in blogging (cant you tell by the lack of signature hilarity in this post). I have all the bad aspects of the band with none of the good. I have gotten royally stuck, found solitude and refuge in the backyard and puked continuously in pot plants with every two steps I took like a cockroach. Havent done that since 90 cent mozelles at Revesby Workers Club circa 1990. I can go the rest of my life without eating another chip thanks to that little stroll around the estate. Fun. I have now eaten myself into a state of non restriction again and shall now proceed onto the "two steps back phase" of my "one step forward two steps back monthly diet plan". And that is my idea of "living with a band".

Other than the band, my life has been rather grand. Work is taking off. Size 18 jeans are too big (size 16 too small) so officially a size 17 now! Yay! I've gone down 5 sizes from a 22 to a 17!!! Brilliant. Everyone is well. No one has swine, bird or tortoise flu. School holidays are over and we're back in Shaggstime. Winter is here which means comfortably getting away with covering every square cm of my body and wearing a lot of black. Nothing like a black turtle neck to bring out the jawline and cheek bones and is there anything better for straight hair than cold, dry, windy weather? Big scarves that cover your apron and add colour but not size to an outfit. Hot, savoury winter foods. Bad weather being a great excuse to stay in and get pissed on thick, sweet port and juicy red wines. Hunter Valley weekends away. Cheese that doesnt go off in the heat after 5 minutes out of the fridge. Slow cooked foods. Chocolate shots from Fox Studio food markets. Ahhhh winter....... size 17 jeans and 4kg of thermal fat.

I must release you from my malaise. You are all far too good for me (as the follower who has left the fold has already realised). I have been reading all your blogs and love them all but I lose patience and get hungry trying to post comments and waiting for my decoding word thingy to load. Sorry about that - always had a problem committing to the responsibilites of friendship but then thats another post. I understand if none of you are here when I get back, I really do.

Lest I forget

2009-04-25T09:18:00.002+10:00

Its ANZAC Day here in Australia (Australian New Zealand Army Corps) and ANZAC Day means hot, chewy ANZAC cookies to me now I'm a frumpy old mother chained to the kitchen. It used to mean drunken gambling around a two up ring following my dead grandfathers system and winning bucket loads from punters more drunk than me who couldn't remember whether they'd bet on heads or tails. If you stand still long enough after each throw you would have drunken bozo's stumble up and throw cash at you even though A. You never bet against them B. You would never have chosen the winning outcome and C. You have never laid eyes on them before in your life. Easiest cash you'll ever make.

My grandfather fought in World War 2 and my grandmother "entertained the troops" I'm still wondering what that entailed but I'm pretty sure it goes a long way to explaining much of my behaviour (who would have thought skankiness was hereditary???). So, my grandfather was severely blown up in World War 2 and left for dead by some water way somewhere (PNG I'm pretty sure). This one soldier decided that he couldnt just leave him there to die alone and insisted they take him with them. My grandfather was taken to a hospital where he spent 12 months recovering from major shrapnel injuries. After 12 months he was put before a board and asked how he was doing - he being a stoical Aussie - of course, was doing well so back they sent him (WW2 went for like 6 years or so). And who was the training officer he was sent to to be retrained - yep, the soldier who saved his life. So he fought out the rest of the war and came back to marry my grandmother (who was actually not a ho but a very funny lady). They bought a house and land package in Beverly Hills NSW for $6000 pounds (a fortune) and paid $2.45 a week on a special soldiers mortgage situation until the day my grandmother died in 2005.

And who lived around the corner from them? Yep the soldier who saved his life.

In 1998 I went to visit this soldier on death's door in a nursing home and everyone knew he was suffering from dementia and was really very far gone. I actually think he just couldnt hear very well so I got right up close to him and thanked him for fighting in the war and saving my grandfather cause if it wasnt for him I wouldnt be here now blogging and complaining about too much food and lap banding. He looked up at me and with clear understanding and total lucidity looked me in the eye and said thank you to me because no one had ever thanked him before and he really appreciated it.

Sometime after the war my grandfather was instructed to go for a War Veterans type of compensation and the law system being the way it was - everyone was knocked back first time. My grandfather comes from a long line of hard working we-dont-beg-from-anyone kinda people so he walked away. He died the year before I was born and I wish I had known him although I know he has helped me out many times in my life in ways a living grandfather just isnt capable of doing.

Many many years later about 3 years before my grandmother died the Department of Veterans Affairs contacted her and told her that she was actually eligible for the Veterans Pension my grandfather should have received 30 odd years before. She was back paid for about 5 years and given some very nice special treatment before she died (the house was fitted out with handy bits and pieces for an older lady as well as pedicures, special chairs and preferencial medical treatment). I like to think it was my grandfather looking after her in her final years.

Oh and by the way, the house was still being paid off at $2.45 a week until about 1995!

I am 100% against war and fighting but I think the bravery and courage of ordinary people who (either voluntarily or compulsorily) go into terrifying situations and risk their lives for what they believe in should not go unnoticed.

Restriction - the love that dare not speak its name

2009-04-23T08:19:00.004+10:00

OK so I really wish I wasnt writing this post but here goes. I have been pretty non plussed and numb to this whole situation but its starting to creep in now and I'm getting concerned. I went for my 2nd fill in Tuesday, all went well doctor very pleasant etc etc.

I guess I just dont feel like blogging right now and right now is when I should really. Just wanted to say (and make it real) that I have gained about 2 kilos over the past week and yes it is shitting me today and I am really not very happy about it. I want to have faith in this system and believe that the week will bring me restriction and that loss will come my way and I'm sure if I looked back over last month this exact same thing happened then. But really, the loss has slowed right down (and is it any wonder with the way I've been eating!). The doctor wont let me get filled any sooner than a month away and this past month gave me one step forward for a week and then 3 steps back and 2 kilos over. I cant do this for another month. He assures me this fill will be easier than last fill and the restriction will last longer but I'm very sceptical. The last couple of days since the fill has been completely quiet no restriction - no pain - nothing. Like I dont have a band. Less than the day before I was filled even!!!??? God I'm hoping that my next post will be me ranting about how wrong I was and how restricted I am!

I have eaten a chiko roll, a meat pie, chips and alcohol up the kazoo, sandwiches, burgers you name it and I barely feel it go down let alone get stuck at all. Can you all hear me complaining about gaining weight after a week of eating shit like that? I feel shitty at myself but then I think - hey, I've done the hard yards! I went through the hideous pain after surgery, the opti, the sad nursing home liquids, all that money!, discomfort, immobility, gas pain, port pain, jeans pain, bend over pain etc etc this freaking thing should not ALLOW ME to even contemplate those foods! I know the love of restriction and that love would not hurt you by letting you eat a chiko roll and follow up with calamari and chips. Restriction wont let you hate yourself. I love who I am when I am restricted - I dont even CONSIDER the food. I want it back! I want to be restricted. I want to feel that hideous despondency when you cant eat what you want or how much you want. I want to feel that hopelessness, that emptiness when food cannot be used to spakfill a giant, gaping emotional hole. I want to wander around the house lost and forlorn not glued to the kitchen planning, buying, cooking and concocting the most fabulous foods. I want to miss grazing. I want to hurt like my hearts going to break in two and not glue it back together with ANOTHER chocolate easter egg. I want to feel the pain! I dont want to be gorged and numb and unable to feel.

I so didnt want to write this post I wanted to write and make you all laugh with my "boob in the drawer" antics but I just had to let this out. And I'm going to post my weight for this week. You will all freak. But I just cant update my ticker. I'm not that strong. There will have to be a missing week. I'm going to see how long this calm before the storm (or lack thereof) lasts and if I still have no relief by next Tuesday (one week after fill) I'm ringing to complain. I cant hack this slipping back into "I hate myself" mode.

Well, I havent eaten for two hours now so it must be time for a lil somethin' somethin'. Gotta keep this pain at bay somehow!

Love in the times of good and evil

2009-04-16T17:57:00.005+10:00

You all know it kills me to write a "Happy Go Lucky" post and how un-entertaining they are so please switch over now cause here comes some love.

Kicking back with a pineapple cruiser, watching the sun set, fresh from a swim at the beach (yes its mid April and Autum here in sunny Sydney), showered, "seen to" (Shaggs by name Shaggsalot by nature), hair straightened and all is right in my world. Feeling tip top! And why is this so extraordinary to me? Well, its that time of the month here in Shaggsville (ie: ovulation - the actual time of the month is a complete anti climax compared to the roller coaster ride that is ovualtion) and it accounts for sooooo much here in my world.

First - weight gain. Yes I've gained a few hundred grams which in real terms means I've lost 1.5kg but that wont show til next week and thats ok too cause:

Second - next week is International Surgeons Visit here in Shaggsville. I should register a loss with Pretty Surgeon of the Year which slightly eases the discomfort of discussing obesity and lifting my top (not in a drunk pole dancing kind of way) for a man I should be having a drink with not being injected (not hot beef) by.

Third - my not so pretty moods. Enough said.

Fourth - my ability to eat a chiko roll and give "I'm going to stab you if you eat another calamari ring" look to my children as they go for my last calamari ring. Still not eating like I used to but still not eating like a bander.

So everything here is incredibly sparkly and pretty (could be the Cruisers (not Tomkat)). Husband has landed a job for an obscene amount of money (why is my life always great when everyone elses is always shite? Only we could land a massive career opportunity in the middle of a financial crisis and be broke during a market bloat) More on that later.

So I'm going to drink in the love (AKA alcohol) and enjoy this lovely time. Once again, very sorry for the lack of entertaining whinge fest but I'll be back more bitter than ever tomorrow and I think its time to tell you all about my boobs and the time I got my nipple stuck in a drawer. Fun times.

Soothing the poor sad dieter

2009-04-13T18:52:00.003+10:00

So, I've eaten enough chocolate to sink a ship and there's three times more in the cupboard. My only saving grace is that I am so sick of it I dont think I'll eat it for another 3 years. Although, everyone here likes plain old cadburys plain old and I really would kill for a carmello or some sickly creamy number...... never happy. On weight watchers with no chocolate I would have licked parts of sweaty footballer in the middle of summer just to smell an easter egg but today, I want fantastical variety!

And I wonder why I've been skirting around 92kg for the past month! I just dont really give a shit too much about what's going in. I have to think about quantity all the time and the no drinking thing is crap so what's going in is kind of last priority. Didnt everyone say to forget about dieting after the band? That you are no longer on a diet? To be honest, I love being 92kg and although I do miss the "losing" feeling I really dont care too much - I'm not disappointed at all and thats kind of the problem. I could be doing SOOOOO much better than this. I dont think twice about having the most unnecessary pointless high calorie bits and pieces. Things that make the little weight watcher in me just shrivel up and die. Full sugar soft drinks, chocolate up the kazoo, cream, full cream milk, wine and nibblies anything and everything - all in very moderate amounts - and now do you understand why I am loving being 92kg? The scales may not be going down but they're not going up either.

And when, I would like to ask, is my band going to pull a little more weight? Once again I am starting to have bread again and meals rather larger than a side plate. Banders around me cant eat bread or meat or this and that. Chew properly, I say, and you can get concrete down! I'm even having ever growing larger sips of diet coke after I eat - no sweat. I know the feeling in my stomach when the food starts to shift and I can risk a little sip without blocking up the pipes. I get sooooo bloody thirsty! One of my friends gave me the worst piece of advice - eat something sweet and the thirst goes away. Thanks for that little gem! I am starting to think I am now earning the official title of "Sweet Tooth". Thats a first! Never had a sweet tooth before!

I know all this whingeing is actually about me being out of control. I thought I would be on a diet and the band would help but I have to say, my mentality is so far removed from that of a dieter that its a wonder I havent digested the band as well. I'm eating far too many carbs and not enough protein. Too much grazing. Too much liquids (eg alcohol) not enough rules or just a little bit of inhibition would be great right now. My husband made a comment about my band not working anymore and I could have cried with protectiveness for my poor little friend who is doing the best it can. Just because I'm ignoring it its no reason to give it a rough rap. And I do ignore it. I have always been one to push the limits and tolerances of any given person/situation/rules to see just how far you can go before you pay a price. Most times I am a very savvy, knowledgable little fountain of reason but sometimes it does backfire but not very often. I have never been one to stick religiously to what I am told cause quite frankly, why is anyone else's information or rules more valid than my tried and true experiences? I am not a fervently conscientious, salt of the earth, pillar of strength, rule keeping for the sake of it, happy little follower of society. I have almost always gone against the grain almost purely because everyone else is going with it. I do not err on the side of caution, I tangle with danger to figure out just what I can get away with before pain and/or regret sinks in. Truly though, I almost always come out with a more efficient and less painful way of getting through life while still reaping the rewards without killing yourself on rules and parameters that really are not necessary or even very practical.

And so I have done the same with the band. It seems I get some restriction, I enjoy it and go with it and then I start to test it which by its very nature starts to undo it. Why play with it? Why not just go with it and let it take me to weight loss wonder land? I am not smarter or more practical for doing this. I may not be suffering but I'm not experiencing the exhilerating highs of losing either. Or am I doing the right thing? I'm not doing the extreme dieting situation and burning out and gorging. I'm having faith in the band and life in general and letting the loss just come. I'm soothing the poor sad dieter in me who has suffered and slaved over diets most her life, agonising over every sip, suck, taste, lick and nibble. I'm sure I'm doing the right thing - just enjoying food and life in some kind of moderation. Will being properly filled take this power away from me completely? Will that be a good thing? I kinda like where I'm at but how long will this work for? What is next week going to be like when I'm on an ovulation binge? What is the meaning of life? How many more questions remain unanswered?

So, lets also keep things in proportion - its easter - there's an inordinate amount of shit and food around, long weekends with no routine, school holidays with no routine, we're coming up to some form of menstrual cycle hormonal intolerance (lets face it, every week has its challenges hormonally) and it has only been just two months and lets remember - I've lost over 10kgs in that time!!! Thats a world f^&*)ing record for me!!!!!! Yay! Talk about Easter bringing new life! Still, some control on my part wouldnt go astray and I have just received an offer in the mail to rejoin the gym for free with the first month also free??!!! Or I could just continue to wallow in holiday mode, after all, its school holidays for another two weeks yet.

Two Month Bandiversary, Groucho Marx and The Punisher

2009-04-09T14:38:00.003+10:00

OK so I actually had my massage, nearly backed out a hundred times. You see, in order to have this massage I have to go into the gym where I was once a star pupil, come face to face with the trainers (suck in the air of bitter disappointment and failure), strip down and get massaged by a masseuse who last saw me another 10kilos lighter than this. Not easy - and yes, that was my reward. Once again, I am a walking train crash on a hell bent mission to destroy myself slowly but surely. This all had to be done because they are the best massages EVER! Totally worth the soul destroying walk of shame through the gym. Would have been more enjoyable if the masseuse didnt talk to me the whole time. I really like to zone out but we chitchatted right through every pressure point so I really dont remember much of the massage or how great it was but I am sore still so I suppose it was great.

I have more pics to post but I'm rethinking them honestly. For a few reasons - number one being - My eyebrows. Yes, my eyebrows have seen better days - the name groucho has been thrown around more than once this week and I know people are staring. You see I have very pale eyebrows which, under down lights are completely non existent and make me look like a chemo patient. I get sympathetic stares wherever I go (or maybe its my huge fat arse that attracts all the sympathy? Well this week its my eyebrows). Every once in a while instead of getting my arse up to the beauticians (theres a reason why I dont go to the beautician but we'll get to that later) I dye my own eyebrows and I ALWAYS look like Groucho Marx for a day or two but this time I looked like John Howard (AKA Snuffaluffagus) for a whole week. My mother mixed the dye and I just dont know why I thought that was OK? I still cant understand why I partook of anything my mother was involved in creating????? Anyhow,the dye made my eyebrows go completely black and my hair is completely blonde and no, I do not look all cool and edgy like Gwen Stefani or even slightly interesting ah lah Marilyn Monroe. Just shit really. The kids think I look permenantly cranky. My husband still shudders when I walk around the corner or open the front door to him. My sister is still laughing and my mother thinks they look nice. That says it all. I have learnt that if something looks good to my mother then the rest of the universe will reject it like a runt puppy with a manky leg. I can feel people talking to my eyebrows and not to me (nice change from talking to the DD cup twins). I bought hair bleach and applied it 4 times and it toned it down just enough so my sister only dampened her knickers - not completely soaked them although my husband still wants the lights off if he has to kiss me. So all my pics of the two month bandiversary are headless and look ridiculous and I also noticed, only about 1 - 2 kilos different from the one month anniversary so no different at all really! Interesting and confronting. Still, I'm happy. Technically the band isnt working yet so any loss is a bonus. I go to a support group and there are actually real living, breathing people out there who have had a band for a year and have no restriction and have not lost a gram. All in all, I'm doing ok. If you dont count the eyebrows.

So I hear you ask, why I dont I go to the beautician and get them to fix the said eyebrows? My first and last brazillian is the reason why. This story is, in part, inspired by Forever Fat Girl's waxing story but the eyebrows create the greatest post traumatic stress and bring up the repressed memories. You see my big, fat, roly-poly jutse turned out to be very hard to wax (not to mention painful). I took the 7 year old with me, she was only one at the time (put the phone down and lets leave DOCS out of this). She was always so good at sitting in the pram and looking cute but for some reason her mothers cries for mercy unsettled her and she ended up sitting on my chest and pulling at my already contorted face. The beautician was slapping on that wax and tearing it off and I swear she was going to take a labia with it. If I told her once the wax was too hot I told her 100 times but I'd never had a brazillian before so I thought the pain was all part of the fun.

The poor beautician, lets call her The Punisher, was having a terrible time holding back the various folds and flip flaps and flap jacks to create a smooth and svelte labia and boy was it taking its toll on the girl. What started out as a 20 minute job was turning into a beauticians working bee as another beautician, hearing my daughters cries and sensing fear in her own kind whacked the door open exposing my most vital love muscle to the world and asking through popped chewy if The Punisher needed any help? And boy were we running late by this time! The first daughter had to be collected from kindy or they were going to call DOCS (maybe I should just have a link to them on my blog) and the The Punisher was moving ever faster, the wax was getting ever hotter and the one year old was now straddling my throat with sharp little nails and a squeal that could crack concrete. Fun.

Before I knew it (no less than one hour) the pain was over and I was high tailing it to kindy with a strangely sticky and, oddly enough, a not so smooth pair of labs. Of course as luck would have it, I got pulled over by the cops for speeding but seeing me crying my eyes out and hearing the words "kindy, DOCS, wax and labia" they let me off and we were on our way again. Later that night with all kids in bed and The Punisher just a distant memory we decide to partake of the freshly manicured love lawn and oh what a sight to behold! The words "plucked chook" come to mind but really, you would have to put "sunburnt" and "leprosy" in there somewhere for it to be truly accurate. The wax was in fact on the hot side and my parts were, effectively, sunburnt. The difficulty of the job meant that it was, of course, not done properly so there was an array of varying length hair left behind in a "chemo - esque" patchy, male pattern baldness kind of fashion. There was a hot red landing strip on the extra sensitive bits and on the REALLY sensitive bits, skin was beginning to wrinkle and peel. Mmmm, come and get me boys! My poor husband still goes limp at the thought of it. What started out as an adventurous, lets-surprise-the-hubby kind of long weekend dabble in the kinky side of life ended up as a week of abstinence, skin peeling sessions and a phobia of beauticians and wax. The most pain my poor little jutse cops these days is non sensitive Nair and let me tell you, THAT stuff gets it smooth, every time, no tears, no fuss.

So The Punisher was the best eyebrower in these parts and I dont have enough eyebrow left to take the chance on any other beautician. I still cannot look The Punisher in the eye and I do see her on the street. I can feel my labia spasm long before I actually see her so most times I get enough warning and can cross the street so we dont have to share that uncomfortable moment where I know she's thinking I have the most gruesome, over sized, roly poly jutse she's ever laid eyes on. I just know she's cringing and thinking of my husband slapping my thigh and catching a sunburnt, peeling, patchy wave in.

10kg Down!

2009-03-31T09:24:00.004+11:00

So today is week 7 and I have cracked the elusive 10kg mark!! (22 pounds for the metrically challenged). I have booked a massage (my first 10kg reward) and cant wait! I still feel too fat to be rubbed and rewarded but I promised myself and I must keep that promise. For some reason posting a positive blog is not nearly as fun or entertaining as telling you all the bad things I do but here goes.

As we all know I am obsessed with scales and I very badly weigh myself almost every day except those days I forget and I eat or drink first and then god forbid I should weigh myself with food on (or in) my person! I then obsess all day about how much I may have weighed but its not all bad, I manage to think about food and crap reality TV in the middle of the obsessing so I do make it work. And I do happen to know that on Saturday I weighed 92.2kg but today its 92.6kg either way, its 10kg and just let it go. Let it go Shaggs, let it go. Let it go. No really its ok just thought I'd throw that in. Kinda not really obsessed with the numbers so much anymore. I think I am learning to trust my band and the situation and the reality that I am not eating anywhere near as much as I used to. I love weighing myself but more out of curiosity and the spectacle of it all. I stand on those scales and reel at the fact that I havent suffered (breakfast Sunday aside) and yet they keep on moving down. I know its just a matter of time now. I can believe I'm not going to sabotage this one. No matter how I feel the band is here to stay and this "diet" is going to just be a phase or a fad.

So how come I feel like Claudia Schiffer now when the last time I weighed 92kg it was a devastating travesty and I felt more like Dawn French? Why do we feel so slim and slender on the way down but so huge and swollen on the way up? Is it psychological or is it actually physiological are we actually swollen and puffy when gaining (do we retain water more or something) and are we actually smaller on the down swing? Who knows all I know is I'm feeling pretty good but it feels kinda normal now so I dont feel that much more fabulous. When I look at the pics I can see the difference and I do know the difference in now and 10kg more, so much more comfortable and able bodied.

You know what I love. Seeing people who do happen to know about this and they ask "so how's it going?" and I proudly announce that I have lost 10kg now and they reply "oh, have you?". Yep, 10kg and no one notices and they look at you as if you're completely pulling shit out of your arse. Should I print a Tshirt with an old photo on it? I guess its only 10kg its not 125 pounds like Mindy (skinny in Texas)!! Now thats some pictures to carry around with you! What a star! Part of me really couldnt give a toss about others comments but part of me cant wait to turn around one day and it all suddenly be noticeable and watch their stupid faces fall.

And how shitty do you get now at people eating? Like - "Do you REALLY have to eat AGAIN????" or "Do you really have to eat MORE????" Are you joking! Can you stuff more in your face? Isnt that shit of me? I'm a bitch. Me of all people knows how that one works and yet here I am miss holier than though judging people for how they eat. And how much food do you have left over in the fridge or the takeaway box now? Take at least 3 adult size portions out of every meal when I used to eat. Now I eat less than the kids.

So I think the brain is starting to catch up with things here. I'm trusting the band and I'm thinking about overeaters like a size 8 bitch scrag. Can you believe the maxed out gorger from last week is sitting here now getting snippy with people for wanting to eat? Noice. Blogging makes you so accountable. I guess you always hate in other the people the very thing you dont like in yourself.

My Friend, My Enemy, My Restriction

2009-03-30T08:13:00.003+11:00

That elusive experience called restriction has entered my life and I am loving it! I woke up on Friday morning just knowing that something was different. I was rushing about and didnt have breakfast - now that is just a travesty of the worst kind in my life and I eat for a week to make up for the lost meal - but I forgot all about it. Had lunch at 2pm and then no dinner - thats TWO weeks catching up and a nervous breakdown - I will be anorexic in a week at this rate!! Had a few little cracker nibblies on Friday night and that was it - ALL DAY! How pure and gaunt do I feel? Actually, strange thing is, I dont feel empty, or weak or starving or "holier than though". I feel just normal. I like this normality.

So Saturday was a similar day - but with too much alcohol - nice combination - hardly any food and too much alcohol - FUN! Cue roaring dry horrors on Sunday and whats the best thing for the morning after - Mc Donalds. I attempted a sausage mc muffin and I knew after about 1/2 a bite where it was headed but I soldiered on. Only had not even half but, stupid stupid stupid girl, I had a swig of juice (very bad dry horrors) and man that muffin was stuck like a 14 year old in Supre. It hurt, it ached I sweat, I thumped my chest, I put my arms up in the air (thanks Nene) I had to walk around like when I was in labour I could feel a chuck coming on I bent over and that puppy dislodged and I was all over. The adrenaline rush of relief when that pain went was almost worth it in a sick "mummy cant get a buzz anymore" kinda way. But that was it for me. I had that tight achey pain in my chest all day and it scared me into submission.

I found over the weekend that I am envious of people swigging away on drinks while they eat. I have a new found obsession - drinking while you eat. I no longer crave massive big chewy, crunchy mouthfuls of bread and carbs - now I crave a fizzy cold rush of diet coke to wash a half chewed mouthful down. Oh to drink while I eat! I find myself choosing liquids over solids and not eating so I can drink. Half of me thinks thats just shit but I've always been a very thirsty person and have always drunk alot. I always stole my mothers drinks when I finished my own as a kid. Back in the 70's when you could smoke in McDonalds I had a swig of my mothers drink and yes, I drank ash and ciggie butts. McDonalds cups make great ashtrays. Yum! It seems now that if I eat and wait for half an hour after to drink there just isnt enough time in the day for me to drink enough. I have to ration the eating to allow the drinking. Where will this end?

All the while throughout my little, very minor but very memorable episode, I was thinking of all my bandster gals out there. Poor Nola who had this out in public with a Llama sniffing around, Nene out in a restaurant, the confusion of not knowing which "quiet corner" out in public is going to be the best place to let your innards out. I couldnt imagine the horror! I was at home and only had to hide the extremness of the situation from my husband who is A. Prone to lecturing and B. A bit of a worry wart. I just acted like I was going to the kitchen and had my seizure around the corner near the loungeroom (wooden floors, wipe clean society, dont care where the spew ends up). I didnt know whether to laugh or cry thinking about all you trippers out there who have paved the way before me - the words I would use in my blog to describe my episode - what I would say to my surgeon when my band slipped and I aspirated a McDonalds hash brown. Oh the things that go through your mind in a crisis! Its like a car crash, feels like an hour and everything's in slow motion. Its actually 30 seconds and your writhing around like an excavated worm on a hot day.

I do feel like part of the club now. Trust me to find the belonging in all the foulness. My PB experience was so lame but this was the real mc coy. I got stuck!!! And it hurt!! Why should I be happy about that? I guess it does keep you honest.

So I'm loving the restriction but it is a double edged sword. I cant be a slack arse anymore. I have to be careful with the rules - I now know the consequences. I am worried this will wear off that sometime the insatiable hunger will come back and then where will I be? I want to kiss the surgeon (no tongues) I so viciously bagged out last week for granting me the grace of restriction. I have seen the light and I am transformed. Until the next cherry ripe.

Ovulating and Oyster Sandwiches

2009-03-26T19:47:00.003+11:00

Life is driving me f%^&ing mad! I'm so cranky and agro, EVERYTHING is just shitting me so hard core. I dont know if it my hormonal situation at the moment or the fact that I feel totally out of control with my eating and its getting me down. I have even tried to clean the house to get some feel good going on but to no avail.

Here's what I ate today: I need some advice on whether this is standard or ridiculous - I think its alot. Also - I am hoping by purging this day's worth of food in the blog I may be able to have a better one tomorrow.

Breakfast:
One mashed fried egg with a piece of shaved ham and some low fat grated tasty (a kind of basic omelette no oil for frying) fits a side plate (about 1 cup of food) I'd say a perfect breakfast
Low fat cappuccino

Lunch:
Starving by 12.3o so:
TWO WRAPS!! some chicken breast and beetroot and garlic sauce on a tortilla style flat bread (small size Old ElPaso) wrap but really? TWO?

Afternoon Tea:
Half an oyster sandwich (favourite food in the entire world)
Was that really necessary after that lunch?

Afternoon Tea II:
Some premium crackers and danish feta
Speechless

Dinner:
2-3 small size pieces of pizza
Dont feel like being in the kitchen after all that eating and this is the takeaway I never got after the fill

I think thats alot - dont you? I have my stomach banded and have had one fill and I can still eat all that!!! And I could keep going!???!?!? And I have CONTROLLED MYSELF!!!!!!!

If I am completely honest (once again - very hard for me to take my head out of the sand in order to do this) I have felt full and stopped eating accordingly instead of eating and having to stop myself before I felt full and then suffer the pain. And I do feel the food going down now - it can be a tight squeeze. But really, thats a lot of food. I may be having small meals but is having 6 of those meals still acceptable?

I really dont feel guilty either, its just like its out of my control so go hard. Or is that just a lame excuse (I'm good at those too). I think I'm at the tail end of the monthly eating binge (its ovulation time and my body thinks it needs to double its calorie intake to produce eggs - funny thing is I dont want to have sex when I've binged to the point of pain and discomfort so the eggs are pointless and they wouldnt fertilise anyway) that insatiable feeling IS coming and going. I dont think its here to stay (bloody better not) but it is horrible being a slave to it and its the reason why I got banded in the first place. Apparently third fill is the charm. I might also check out some herbal remedy or something for the extreme hormone experience.

Or maybe I should just have a drink - fixes everything else.....

First Fill and Damien - The Devil's Spawn

2009-03-23T16:05:00.004+11:00

Well what a shitter of a day! First things first I ate like a horse over the weekend so I was not looking forward to weighing in with the dietician this morning. Second, no baby sitter for the four year old (we call him Damien and we're waiting for the 666 sign of the devil to show up on his body somewhere in the near future) Damien was already whingeing about going to the doctors with me (although he refuses to go anywhere without me). He knows how long we have to wait in that hellhole. And last, but not least, my first fill anxiety (kinda fear of the unknown kinda scared of the doctor - I'll explain that later) did I mention how much I have eaten in the past week in the name of ovulation and nervous anxiety at having to weigh in? Why do I eat like a horse before I have to weigh in? For the week after, I eat like Ghandi but no, the week before I shove in as much food as possible because I am a dog that shits in doorways. What does that mean I hear you ask? Well, the dog is allowed in the house and all is going well and just to f$%^ things up, the dog shits in the very doorway you just let him in and then whammo - out he goes - wasted the best opportunity of his life!

This kinda nervous eating started way back in my weight watchers days. I would be Ghandi up until Friday (the day before weigh in) and then I'd go beserk. So I'd change weigh in days but that just meant I changed gorge days also. I would sometimes try and counteract the gorge effect by having a chinese tea by the name of Ballerina Tea (named for its use by the slender dancers and also because if you can stand on your toes in wooden shoes then this foul tasting tea is akin to a creamy hot chocolate) Ballerina Tea would - dead set - liquify concrete. By the time I'd weigh in the next morning I would have lost all the gorged food and parts of my pancreas as well as 75% of my body's water so I would drag myself throbbing dehydrated head and all - onto the scales and be the same as the week before. ANYTHING is better than a gain I say. So yesterday afternoon (too afraid to drink Ballerina Tea in case part of my band comes out with it) I gave myself a dose of Benefibre. Didnt work unless you count the three pebbles I passed before I left this morning. I was hoping for an explosive drainage type experience but alas, it was time for complete weigh in honesty - once again - oh how I've grown up!

And once again the scale gods were with me - the scales only registered a gain of 400grams and no i didnt cry. I was relatively happy with that. Thats about the weight of the chips I ate yesterday. The dietician - god love the skinny bitch (you must have a BMI of 11 to work in my obesity clinic) was very pleased with that as it is a sign of needing a fill (I would have said a lobotomy but who's splitting hairs). Of course I had minimal breakfast (seems I can control myself the morning OF weigh in) so by this time I was getting violent with hypoglycemia. Cue waiting with Damien for over an hour to see the doctor and things started to go down hill rapidly.

Damien was whinging (goes without saying). The skinny bitches at the front desk think they're doing you a favour by booking your dietician on the same day as your surgeons visit (never mind the 3 hour wait in between) although you dont actually know what time your doctors visit is so just sit and wait. AND they let people through according to their appointment time so people breeze in and out, late and all and me and Damien are just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting so I think its time to call in the big guns and I take Damien to the chip machine (conveniently located next to the operating theatre where they do the lap bands - noice). Damien's squealing for a milky bar and of course - my wallet - always full to the brim with change is dry as a bone so we take a trip to the kiosk which - for a really expensive private hospital - is a dirty little hole in the wall with no eftpos and nothing for $1.25 in five cent pieces. I have a moment of inspiration and realise there's change in the car and just as Damien's head is about to do a 360 and spit green slime I get the required Milky Bar and the beast is tamed. By now the waiting room is FULL of people who arrived after us and I walk in with a four year old eating an adult sized chocolate bar - once again - noice. I didnt know whether everyone wanted to tear shreds off me for feeding my child the exact thing that got me in this trouble in the first place or whether they actually wanted to crash tackle Damien for his Milky Bar. Either way, I feared for our lives.

Before you know it (1 hour and 15 minutes) we were in and I was getting jabbed from across the room by Dr Speedy Gonzalez and I was out and bleeding at the front desk. Hurt a tiny bit (emotionally I mean) but there is always something uncomfortable about being treated by a doctor who is about the same age and looks ratio as your good self - really feels like you should be having a drink at a bar not exposing your most stretch marked gut for pricking. Much more comfortable with crusty old doctors. Always seem to have good looking doctors at the most inappropriate times. After 36 hours labour with the first babe the nurses started to twitter that Prince Vince was on his way. "Prince Vince" I ask. Yes, the object of their desire was about to arrive and check out my parts that had been labouring for 36 hours. Had showered in that time but not with soap and metho (my husband recommends kero and a blow torch). So there's Prince Vince (ob and gyno) up my leaking jutsy with all the nurses reapplying lip gloss while I lay there, in all my 110kilo glory sobbing for a cesearean. And yes, Prince Vince had earnt his name! Fast forward ten years and there I am in Speedy Gonzalez's offices discussing morbid obesity with a man you'd only kick out of bed to do on the floor. Noice. (Just in case you read this hubby, I wouldnt actually do him but most would).

Did I mention in all this time that I promised Damien McDonalds on the way home? Good mum aren't I! I was also hanging for a chocolate thick shake (bit scared to do solids although could have hammered a Big Mac). I manage to wrestle Damien to the nearest McDonalds and can you believe - it was shut! Lunch time on a Monday and Mc Donalds was shut!!!!!!!! Have you ever in your life seen a shut McDonalds????????? McDonalds had a black out and had to shut. Thats the kind of day I had. If you cant have McDonalds on the way home from your first fill then when can you?

Damien and I made it home starving and screaming at 3.15pm (and that was for a 12pm appointment). I tried to have a cup a soup but I started to have a post op post traumatic stress situation so I gave it up and had Aldi Danish Feta (fabulously silky and yum) and a bread stick (went down well). Yes I'll take it easy but the lovely husband, so considerate he is, has said that tonight - its my pick - can you believe it! I get to pick whatever I want!! Pity I'm supposed to be on liquids. Oh well...

My Last Hurrah - Again.....

2009-03-22T14:57:00.002+11:00

So tomorrow is my first fill and today is my last hurrah - again. How many last hurrah's have I had during this process? One before Opti, one before the op, one before mushies, one before solids, one on Friday, one yesterday and now today - and they're the ones I can count. So you're probably all thinking - its only the first fill you wont feel any different or any restriction BUT if I'm completely honest with myself and you (kills me to have to be - natural born denier here) I am already pretty restricted. I do quite often get around it with little sips of liquids to just "ease" things down and thats only when I am REALLY loving something. I am rarely actually hungry and even then its a mood slump not a hunger in my stomach. My capacity is still nowhere near what it was pre op but it is also not exactly perfect but I do kinda feel thats my fault (gee I wonder why?). So I'm thinking a fill now might just help me pull the reigns in a little tighter and hell, I've never had one so lets go! Always up for something new. And I am still dreaming about that initial post op restriction - now that was somethin' special! So maybe a fill is exactly what I need. I have noticed that I am starting to want a piece of bread after a meal like the olden days and I can even go for extra food (thats not with drinking) so I guess I am in a text book need of a fill. Thank God for blogging to sort out whats the truth and whats not and how we actually DO feel and not THINK we feel.

So, my last hurrah. White bread after lunch today - one piece just to wipe the plate (one of the world's greatest pleasures) I cant really think of what else I'd really like.... I've told you food is losing its power and now its losing its appeal too... I think bread and sandwiches are my biggest loss really. Oh and the odd piece of Sara Lee chocolate cake - nibbled a little piece last night to celebrate my dead grandmothers birthday but it does congeal like a brick in your band but it was worth it.

I am still convinced the band will slip or something is going horribly wrong inside me. Every little pain and twitch signals the end until I shove something down my gob and it goes down fine - no vomiting or burping or pain and then I'm back again abusing the band that is changing my life by the minute. I figured out on Friday night - my first social drink since op - that you cant keep drinking your alcohol if you're also going to partake of the nibblies. A handful chips and then you have a good guzzle of you bourbon and coke and whammo, chips stuck and you can feel every millimetre of them passing through you band infront of a wave of fizzy grog. Ooooh not pretty. Before the band bourbon and coke always gave me heartburn which is now gone and I have been very reluctant to try a drink but it all went down well BUT I did notice the next day (both yesterday and today - I didnt say I ONLY drank on Friday night) i have had alot of restriction especially in the morning. It may be the effect of bourbon and coke on my stomach or it may be all the shit I shovelled down with it, either way, I think I'll stick to sipping wine alone and not getting too swept up in the social aspects of drinking.

Its a learning curve! Cant wait for that fill though - I feel like tomorrow is the day I ACTUALLY have to start being a grown up and a big girl and get on with the whole "I am actually TRYING" philosophy. We'll see.....

Higher Power for a Food Junkie

2009-03-20T16:24:00.002+11:00

I'm bored again. There's numerous things I could be doing but none of them really feel like a Friday afternoon thing to do. I'm at a standstill with the latest project (making an office and "ooger booger" room for readings) and I dont really feel like getting too actively involved in anything cause after all, it is Friday and I really should be kicking back with a drink and welcoming in the weekend. A slave to the stereotype I know. But I dont really feel like drinking (!#$%^& shock freakin horror!) I mean, why? Whats the point? I'll probably end up having one but really, why? Oh I know why, I got pleasantly tipsy last night! Anyway, I'm bored so I've been reading my blog from the beginning. I dont know if its just the pleasantly numb (and bored) mood I'm in but I feel like I've turned a corner on all the things that used to upset me no end. I remember pouring buckets of tears on some of the pages I posted, its a wonder the keyboard still works but now, those things kinda dont really conjure a terrible lot up?!?!? I know the things I wrote were true and meaningful and quite validly upsetting, but now, I think I've turned a corner.

Perhaps with each kilo melting away its taking a problem with it? Could eating have stopped me from getting through the problems in the first place? Of course I still have issues (massive, ginormous gangsta sized problems) but they're current, past ones kinda wash over me??!! I chucked a mega wobbly yesterday and it was funny, I wanted to eat, I wanted to sulk I wanted to in some way act like an emotional baby so I washed up. Yes, Shaggs of the "anything is more important than cleaning" philosophy cleaned cause she felt bad! (well f$%^ me!). Boy am I growing up! (nice change from growing out thats for sure!) In the end I even seeked out comfort and company when normally I turn into a recluse until the pain eases (or the mint slices run out). Of course I'm probably being cocky and tomorrow I'll have a meltdown about something that happened 8 years ago but for now, its all feeling rather good!

I am so glad that this band has happened. I could never have imagined the HUGE impact on my life it would have. I remember going through withdrawals both physical and emotional and I know it wasnt easy and I know I will still suffer at times and I know the physical pain was (and sometimes still is) hideous but really, I would do it all again 100 times over.

First fill is on Monday and its hard to get my head around the fact that technically, the band isnt supposed to be working yet.... freaky hey! Boy is it pulling its weight! Pity I'm not but its doing enough work for the two of us so far. After years and years and years and years of struggling and crying and eating and bingeing and hating and screaming and just pure hate I feel like (almost literally overnight - it feels like the blink of an eye) the cloud has lifted and something or someone else now has my problem cause it is not with me anymore. For want of better words and to not go all 12 step or evangelical on you all, (totally not religious I swear) my problem has been surrendered to a higher power and that higher power is my band. I am so grateful to that little piece of silicone, to my doctor (AKA Speedy Gonzalez beside manner of a meerkat but moves faster) to my husband for the money and time and energy and most of all to my cyber friends. Does this sound like an Oscars speech or what? Should I be on Oprah? And no, I havent had any mood altering drugs (not today anyway) I havent joined a cult or religion, I'm still a food junkie I will always be teetering on the edge of a tantrum and binge but now I can live too. Its not ALL about the food.

Now this conjures up feelings in me. I could have a little cry for happiness but I think I'll drown it out with a Friday afternoon beverage (or ten).

Cherry Ripes and Prettyland

2009-03-17T09:24:00.003+11:00

Funny that I mentioned Cherry Ripes in my last post, I ate one on Friday. It was hard, it was a bit rough going down and I was full half way through but I struggled on (no one can accuse me of not being persistent) and managed to finish it off - it was tough - but someone had to do it. I also got myself mangled on Friday night (pleasant enough too) I also ate toast on Saturday morning and the list goes on I cant go into too much detail cause I'll get hungry. The point of the story is, there is no deprivation in my life in fact, yes there is. I may not be deprived of eating my favourite foods and going on a bender but I am deprived of the joy and the manner in which I go about these sinful pleasures resulting in them not being so sinfully pleasurable. I cant eat as fast, i cant stuff as much in, I cant fill up those emotional holes and insubstantial areas of my life with the spakfilla they call food. I have to proceed with caution, nibble, chew like a donkey and swallow tiny meaningless amounts and instead of pleasantly full (and fulfilled) I feel vaguely sick and usually extremely uncomfortable and in shit pain.

So there I was pre op thinking that I was saying goodbye to my old life and bad habits and having my last hurrahs when in actuality the party is not over. Kind of. Its kind of reassuring that yes I can enjoy "little" bits of what I like (although I'm yet to enjoy a "little" bit of a gorge) but is a little bit better than cold turkey? Who knows and now we'll never know. I do often wonder if I'd known what I know now then (?) would my dieting exploits have been more successful? Doubt it. I was a pretty messed up individual and I sometimes still visit crazy land when I graze on shit all afternoon and then eat a meal and then cry cause it hurts. There's nothing like the sound of my own cries of pain to remind me of a Saturday night of the past.

I still expect to wake up and be 102kg (I even saw over 103 at one point but it wasnt recorded). I have to sit and work out exactly how much I've lost and convince myself it is a significant amount. That I'm not as huge as I used to be and a bit of Saturday afternoon grazing will not undo it. That I'm not in denial and it is actually over 9kg - all the time - and not really 4.5kg but only after 3 days of gastro and completely naked when Jupiter is in the fourth house of Venus and the scales are pointing north west. When will that go away? Ever? When will I stop writing down what I eat just to convince myself that it wasnt as much as I used to eat? When will I stop associate being full with being an inadequate piece of human workmanship? When will I stop comparing myself to how good I could be if only I stuck to the rules 100% of the time? These are not overriding beliefs all of the time but when things get dark - and it aint all sunshine and roses here in Shaggsville - this is what goes through my head.

I was just thinking I'm not a food junkie anymore! Ha! After reading that little blurb its not quite as convincing. But its not as painful to be around food. I'm not pining all the time. I dont think the world is out to get me because they keep eating when I cant. I am not constantly stopping myself from shoving anything edible (and lets face it, sometimes inedible) into my mouth. I think I'm at the acceptance level of grief (for this moment in time anyway) I do still remove myself from food situations but only for my own good. The pain is an excellent deterrant and I really dont think I could do this if I didnt feel the pain. Am I becoming the lapband equivalent of a cutter? I dont like the pain and I dont seek it but it does do something to me that the food doesnt have to do anymore. It distracts me from the emotional pain I guess? From the reason why I eat in the first place? OK this is all getting too Freudian or Jungian or something for me, my education didnt take me past this point so my brain cant quite get through these ideas and make sense of them. Where's Germain Greer or Naomi Wolf when you need them? Out chasing wolves and rooting men 40 years younger I suspect.

My 7 year old gave me a hug the other day and noticed something highly unusal that I didnt notice, her hands met up behind my back. They'd never done that before and I'd never noticed. Very nice point. She's terrified I'm going to end up looking like Paris Hilton. I could eat Paris Hilton for afternoon tea! She also said that the band is going to kill me when I'm 40 (that better not be one of her freaky prophecies), she thinks I'm cyborg with a machine inside me. She's shed a few tears over it all but I think she's through it all now. F%^& what damage our behaviours inflict upon our children. If only the world were the perfect Utopia I create inside my head that makes me wear jeans that are too small and a top thats too tight. Ahhh Prettyland... where no child has to cry for her fat mother.... where no one hears you eat.... where the scales always read "gorgeous" no matter which house of Uranus they're in.

Did I mention I cant sleep? Could it be the copious amounts of energy I have? Every night is such a bad night that I cant wait for the next night cause I know I'll just flake (yum...) but instead, another shit's night sleep. I'm running on a few hours. I think I need to up the exercise thing and expend some of this energy or maybe I really need some food to get through the night. I've never slept well on an empty stomach, but then I never wake up and weigh well on a full stomach. Cant win.

This is all too much, Prettyland calls......

One month bandiversary been and gone!

2009-03-12T16:28:00.003+11:00

So my one month bandiversary came and went on the 10th. Cant believe its been a month. It feels like a week ago I was wishing I was everyone else who was done and dusted. And now here I am. And my band is starting to do what it was programmed to do, no thanks to the programmer mind you. My band now tells me that its time to stop eating - I no longer need the threat of medieval style pain somewhere down the track to make me stop eating. The response is becoming more immediate and lets face it, I'm like a dog, I must be punished within 60 seconds of committing the crime or I just dont get it and I AM a repeat offender. I have been applying some of the rules of band eating and lo and behold - they work! I no longer drink while I eat (a very hard thing for me to do) so I actually get full!!! Would you believe it! Half an hour later (amount of time I have to wait according to my doctor) I am running for the fridge and squealing for water like I used to carry on for a Cherry Ripe but sometimes its up to 2 hours before I realise I'm due for a drink. Thats been a big break through for me. Its protein protein protein and carbs are almost no existent - lets remember what a massive carb addict I am! We'll see how I go next week (big hormonal week for me - but lets face it every week's a hormonal roller coaster) but so far so good!

A (kinda) Nice Place to Be

2009-03-09T13:47:00.003+11:00

So heres something I've been thinking about and I'm a little worried I may have mentioned it already but here it is anyway (and thanks to Nene for the inspiration). After my PB experience I have been on my best behaviour. Its a nice reminder that this is serious medical shit and not to be f$%^ with. So apparently after a PB (which can cause a band slip just like a full vomit! Yikes!) your little pouch gets swollen and thats why you are so restricted after and you should actually do liquids and then mushies for a few days after. Learn something new everyday dont you - thank you to Mindy from Skinny in Texas for that little nugget. And also, for some people having a drink to get "unstuck" actually makes matters worse (I think it actually helps for me but I've always been a freak). Also, if I hear one more person complain about eating sushi I'm going to write a book about it. I have always gotten really bloated from rice so I havent touched it since the op and I certainly never will now!

So my food intake has been very under control and I think its actually starting to look a little too much like self control. I would really like my band to be restrictive enough to make me full while I'm eating or very soon after. Unfortunately, I feel like I could eat the whole table and the only thing that stops me is the fear of pain and PB's and slips etc. I currently have to stop mid meal and go "OK now lets stop there before we go too far" and quite frankly, I'm sorry, but if that level of self control came naturally to me, I wouldnt need a band!!!! Yes pain and medical intervention is a rather strong deterrant but hello - there's only so far I can go with will power - I think being 30kg over weight and morbidly obese kinda proves that....???? So, no wonder that on Friday night I had a few wines and the self control went out the window with the cork and I ate a piece of bread, noice. Went down surprisingly well (lubricated with a glass of wine). And I hate to say, I had another one just in case I was wrong about how well the first one went down. All's good now but I really wanted to be reverrent with my band after the PB fiasco and the bloody wine and the lack of restriction. Boo friggety hoo!

I also do so mourn a good gorge. I dont do sweets and chocolate etc (a little here and there) they aren't my binge mediums of choice. So there's no "getting around the band" for a carb addict especially when its your guts that actually hurt regardless of what you eat and not the band. To really binge I need crunchy carbs and creamy dips etc etc (wont go into it I'll start to crave and cry).

I would love to feel real hunger again and just stuff myself silly. I kina always feel satisified (physically not necessarily emotionally) I would also like the band to "work" so I dont even think about food like first thing post op. Right now I just have to stop eating cause I know down the track (about half hour) it will hurt. I would like the warning a little sooner, like say, about half an hour sooner and about five mouthfuls.

OK I agree, I think now I'm just starting to sound like a whingeing bitch. I've got something stopping me from going too far (ie: pain) so stop complaining. And who would of thought - a lapband can stop you from bingeing - shock horror! On a high note, I am feeling very calm and relaxed. I think when you cant feed your face after a stressful situation you just kinda sit with it and let it wash over you, what else can you do? Never really been a screamer (husband may disagree but what does he know). Went for a lovely walk this morning in the rain on my own no other walkers out - still dark - it was lovely - I'll do that again. So life kinda resembles something quite nice at the moment, not perfect but pretty well manageable and under control. Nice place to be really.

Pic update and my first PB!

2009-03-06T16:45:00.003+11:00

So, here's the next instalment of the Shaggs in full colour series. I think I look better than this but I always have had a touch of the reverse anorexias ie; thinking you look better than you do other symptoms include bingeing and not purging, standing infront of a mirror thinking how skinny you look, growing no hair in fat patches and wearing undersized clothes. While sufferers usually present as middle aged white men it can afflict anyone at any stage of life. Recovery is a long slow process of the patient carefully studying pictures of themselves (next to "normal" looking people offers the best results), taking weight and measurement analysis, attending bariatric surgery seminars and a BMI study. Great progress is also made using a family recording device such as a video camera whereby the patient can observe themselves in their natural surroundings in full, 3 dimensional colour and sound.

So yesterday we left me bored and it just got worse from there. I picked and nibbled all afternoon and then we had a BBQ with the sister in law by which time I had picked my way through several meals and when meal time actually came I ate my holier than though little plate full, I stopped before it hurt but by then it was too late and boy did it hurt! I could actually feel the port hurting as the tubing that goes to the port was pulling over my massively distended (enlarged) stomach and pulling on the port. Man that hurt! Psychologically I still could have eaten more. I do not feel any pain around my band and my stomach does not feel full but the pain, as we have discussed, is more than enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.

So, I go to take the bins out (everything's a woman's job in this house there are no "gender barriers" around here why stifle a perfectly independant woman?) and I didnt even bend over or anything - I did a burp and there it was, food where food wasnt meant to be (again)! Pretty. It didnt come out (but then I am known to never waste good food) but I knew what it was! Funny thing is, I didnt feel full but I must have been. So I had a cup of boiling hot water to "wash" the food down and that helped immediately. No more pain. For good or bad, I now know how to get rid of that god awful feeling. Still, I'm hoping a fill will leave me full.

So you must be thinking, "She's PB'ed and its all over" right? Nuh uh. This morning I woke up with a gassy tight chest and I could feel my band was tight. Why should that stop a meal I ask you? Of course I had breakfast - the standard little meal of 1 egg and some ham and cheese all grilled up and a coffee. Went down like a brick with no grout but who am I to complain. Felt VERY full then but bang on 4 hours and I'm ravenous again. So I had a salad and some prawns and man did that shit get stuck!!!!! Woah horsey! It was stuck good and hard. I kept swilling that water until finally it unstuck and now I just want to graze all day so as to avoid any other nasty side effects. Lunch was unsatisfying and a bit of a write off so I have spent alot of the afternoon trying to compensate with low fat chips, chocolate and anything snackable. Dumb cow that I am.

I was kind of happy in a sick way though. I have been singing in my head all day "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you" me and my little band. Kinda feels like its not there sometimes and today and last night has been a nice reminder. Like when you're preggers and you have morning sickness and then nothing. From week 11 on its nothing. Dont look pregnant, dont feel pregnant, maybe not pregnant? Then week 16 - 18 and its all back on again. I realise that what has gone on in the past 24 hours is sooooo not good and could lead to the band slipping etc but I'm just so happy that I'm normal and my band has some parameters - that I cant just binge and get away with it. Have I mentioned that I love my band?

A deletable post

2009-03-05T15:03:00.002+11:00

I should probably delete this post but here it is anyway.

I'm pretty bored. I can tell because I'm baking shit I cant eat. Well, I can but I dont really like it all that much. I also know I'm bored because I have been nibbling away all day. I have pulled myself up since lunch, but anyway, I'm bored.

I woke up this morning feeling A1, still feel really good, just bored. I was looking in the mirror this morning and just couldnt believe what I was looking at. I just loved myself sick! My husband tried to give me some spiel last night about food intake going up and some stupid shit about eating more or something - I really cant remember what exactly but the point of the story was, he was trying to argue a point with a professional dieter and now bander and homey dont play that! I just cut him off cause he clearly didnt know what he was talking about and I wasnt going to argue - it was some shit about a fill not being able to restrict you. Duh like he'd know. Anyway I think out of all the people I havent told about the band maybe he was the one I really shouldnt have told? He was pretty chuffed this morning as we looked in the mirror and he acknowledges with a huge smile how much weight I've lost, he can be so supportive but then a total prick - not that he means it necessarily. Anyway its kinda like living with a food Nazi and right now I'm so in control its a bit of an offence to think that someone is watching over your shoulder and dictating to you. Its actually not gotten quite that bad or even close but its a thought. or maybe I'm just bored. Time to do something, just dont know what.

I went to the SIOS (Sydney Institute of Obesity Surgery) monthly group meeting on Tuesday night. Tops! Love it! Still amazed at how generous experienced banders are with their time and knowledge - we gas bagged til 10.30pm in the carpark. That was over 4 hours straight of solid gas bagging! The banders are so great at holding your hand and listening to your naive gripes about trivial band crap and give such great advice and reassurance. Spent another night this week on the lap band chat room - once again, tops. A total must to have good knowledgable support especially if you dont have it in real life - online is awesome and should NEVER be underestimated. We all seem to take turns at feeling good and bad and helping each other out. Everyone needs reminding of the good things they have achieved and how most of the bad things are just a phase or completely normal under the circumstances.

Anyway, as life would have it I must return to my post as a mother and cleaner. I'm sorry for this boring post, I promise next one will be better, I'm just bored.

Cleaning in the pursuit of purity and other hangover cures

2009-03-02T20:49:00.003+11:00

It a well known fact in these parts that I suffer from a weird kind of hangover. Sure I get really thirsty and a touch of a dehydration headache but the best thing of all is I get totally hyperactive and go on absolute cleaning frenzy!!! I believe its a psychological "cleaning in the pursuit of some kind of purity and detoxification".

Maybe its because my mother always used to make me have a shower when I got home from a session of total putridness on the turps - I believe her words were "Go and wash the filth of the streets off you". Either way, I love it!

So take it back a step and yes, I indulged last night. Husband away, bit bored and lonely so I get stuck in. First real drinking session since the band. Got pleasantly mangled on one bottle over about 4 hours, left my dinner for 11pm cause I knew I'd eat once I'd drunk my inhibitions away (oh how I'm growing up!) so the scales were good to me this morning and I woke up with a scorching case of the cleaning frenzies. I figure this was my exercise also. I cleaned and scrubbed my way through the entire house cleaning dirt and dust no one would even know existed.

Sometimes I love the person I am, its a shame it takes 8 standard drinks to bring out the love, but at least its accessible in some form. I have always done this, it didnt matter if I had dossed at some random strangers house. I'd pick my way through the unconcious bodies and start cleaning some rank anonymous kitchen, clearing away the sins of the previous night (getting rid of the empty beer bottles is my favourite) cleaning up after a party is my kinda heaven. There just wasnt enough hours today for the kind of energy I had.

On a normal day, I'm a slob. Anything is more important than cleaning. I justify it by saying that I'll never remember cleaning on my death bed but I'll always remember whatever it was I was enjoying instead of cleaning. But give me too much to drink and I turn into Mrs Sheen. I have often been heard saying that alcohol makes me a better person and who can argue the evidence looking around at my sparkling clean house today! So the point of the story is, I've had a top day. I've barely thought about food (I would usually eat my way to wellness after a binge drink) I've worked my butt off and I have a house that requires visitors to witness the magnificence - after all - why clean a house if no ones going to appreciate it?

Born again bander

2009-03-01T11:19:00.003+11:00

OK so keeping things in perspective now and on a more positive note, the scale Gods have been good to me and I am now 93.6kg!!!!!! Finally, over the 94's and into the 93's YAY! Thats 9kg loss in not quite 5 weeks. I must must must respect that, maintain it and nurture and definitely NOT forget the feeling when I stepped on those scales. I was going to blog about all the nasty things i have been doing (eg: "coal shovelling" thank you to Nola for that eloquent description, Nola likes to use a cake fork I however could use a toothpick and still get in enough to feel like a snooker ball going down all while eating faster than a dog with worms! Nice.) always so much funnier than the "saintly" blogs but instead, I'm moving on for now. Thank you to Nola and all the other bloggers and forum members who have held my hand and made me feel ok during this period (and I dont think it has passed just yet) I often wonder if I had known about all the people who abuse food in the same way as I always have would we have ended here? Probably. I have also seen an even darker place that I really dont think I want to visit - anything that involves an equivalent pain to that experienced post op I will try my hardest to avoid (thank you again Nola for sharing your experience and mentioning the pain - this can all become such a joke but I will NEVER forget the pain). The problem is that you dont know how far you've gone until its too late I am more than sure that I'll make it to that too far point one day, but for now, I live in mortal fear. I have been doing the whole "grass is alway greener on the other side of a fill" thing without enjoying this period for what it is - a time to heal and to try all different things and see how they work (Thank you Nene for reminding me of that) we always need to be reminded of our own best advice, dont we? Why cant we be our own best friends? Anyway, thank god for all the other friends out there who can tell us when we should pull our heads in enjoy what we have. I hope I havent come off holier than though (we all know I am most certainly not) I just dont think I have explained things very well here. I am so grateful for everyone sharing their awesome, hilarious, moving stories and I hope to god their warnings help me one day down the track. And if not, I can only wish to write a hilarious account of the kind of calibre only seen in Nola's brilliant blog. I will always be in awe of how she turns horror into humour!

Breakin All the Rules!

2009-02-28T09:57:00.003+11:00

So its gone from bad to worse here in this house but I think I'm coming out of it. It looks like its going to be just me and my old worn out sense of will power cause the band aint doing much! Quantities are creeping back up, the types of food are many and varied (the good the bad and the ugly), the grazing has reared its ugly head etc etc. Sometimes some food gets a little uncomfortable in my chest but I just have a drink and its gone.

Do you hear me, I just have a drink and its gone - and that is......?
Yes, thats called "eating around the band"!!!?!??!!?#?@$?@?$
Can you f$%^& believe I am eating around the band!!!!!!!! I hate the person that I become sometimes. Should I feel self pity or sheer disgust and hatred? What the f%^k am I doing!!!!! And for the joy of "drinking down" some extra food I get god awful pain behind my scars because my intestines are so full. Does it stop me? Well yes actually it does. Like I said much earlier in this blog pain is a great motivator for me. I get so uncomfortable that I have to remove most of my clothes because even the slightest bit of outside pressure exacerbates the problem. This took about a day to work out but now I think I have it under control. I still drink while I eat but now I just have to exercise will power and my fear of pain to stop eating too much although I'm phasing out the drinking. Its like I've got it in my head that the band isnt going to work until its filled so until then I'll just work around it! I'm not even giving it the slightest chance! What a complete f$% up!

OK so this is as bad as it gets, I'm certainly not eating the same quantities as before. I pretty much stay clear of carbs the scales are still being kind but I am well aware that it is still a pretty bad situation and where this will end up. I am taking into account the weeks of deprivation that have lead me to this point but you'd think I'd be grateful for ANY food and not need ALL food??

It has been hard being in my head this week but now its time to take back the reigns admittedly it has been a hard week of the menstrual month (ovulation - makes me very swollen and uncomfortable and cranky with pain) but then actually every week is bad for that at the moment next week is PMT the week after is actually periods and the week after that is pretty much the only normal week of the month. might need to check this out further - tired of being a slave to the ovaries.

So I should be glad that I'm aware of the problems, thats the first step to recovery I guess. The worst day was Wednesday and I've definitely improved since then but man I have to stay ON IT! Maybe I should wear my new jeans all day to remind me? I cant bend over but then bending over is overrated isnt it? I do feel full now after a small high protein brekkie, thats good I guess? Stay with that one. Back to the rules now my main goals are:
- stick to the no drink rules
- take 20 minutes to eat before going for more food
- no grazing or snacking of any kind
- no food that is going to get even mildly stuck so as to not encourage drinking.
I feel strong today - I know I can do this especially after opti and fluids etc. This is a walk in the park! So JUST DO IT!

Confession Time

2009-02-25T13:17:00.003+11:00

So its time to fess up. I've been very naughty with my food for the past day or so, experimenting with quantities and different textures etc. I started mushies early on day 9 or 10 instead of 14 so now I'm getting cocky. I went to see the dietician and dr yesterday and everyone was stoked with my progress and overlooked the fact that I started mushies early so of course I think this is great and I do a little celebrating with the food! Do I have to go into detail? I dont really want to, the shame and embarassment are just a little too intense at the moment, maybe next week if I can pick myself up and brush myself off sucessfully I'll be able to go there. The quantity was still awesome compared to my previous life but as a fresh new bander, having spent the best part of over $5000 on this thing, all the pain, trauma and worry for my nearest and dearest, what my body has been through and while still healing, I think its ok to go and shove some shit down. When will I learn? The quantity I can eat is definitely on its way up but I still feel very satisified for a long time but I can feel the need to seek out food increasing. The relief from that has been awesome and now its creeping back, I dont want it back. I dont want to look for food as a method of satisfying or entertaining myself. I have to face the fact that for the time being until I am properly filled, I will have to exercise self control and always keep in my mind that the band is just an aid. There is still work to be done.

I would also like to confess that I have been guilty of judging people when they wondered why their band wasnt working - now as karma would have it, I am guilty of the exact same thing I found hard to tolerate in others, isnt that always the way?! A lesson learned! I am and should be, on a diet or food restriction program (however you want to look at it) and the band is just there to help a little at the moment. I am hopeful that one day it wont be hard at all, but for now its a little hard sometimes and nowhere near as bad as before the band.

So thats it, I'm a "recovering" and "lapsing" food addict and occasional judgemental person, these are my sins, I am hoping that admission is the first step to recovery and forgiveness from everyone out there because I really dont like these aspects of myself and I dont believe they are the "true" me.

Pic Update

2009-02-22T19:13:00.002+11:00

Just posted is the first pic taken just over a week ago. I'll take one again tomorrow morning when I'm all gussied up, you see I just had dinner and the fat pig syndrome is sinking in (the guilty feeling cause you're stuffed thing despite only eating 1/2 cup food). Alot of the bloating and swelling is gone now and the jeans from the first pic are too big to wear! I've taken all my patches, stitches etc off I'll take a pic of them too - one is like a large dimple or crease in my stomach?!. There is still a fair bit of gas pain especially when my stomach is full (whether liquids or mushies) but I'm going to try and see the chiro for an adjustment and see if that helps tomorrow (feels like its in my ribs).

The restriction is awesome! It is going to take some serious training to get my brain to catch up though. It feels wrong having the "wrong" foods (a little bit of cake or chocolate) even though its a tiny nibble or mouthful. I take a little bite and I immediately start freaking and thinking ohmigod here I go, its not working, I'm bingeing again, I'm going to eat this whole cake/chocolate whatever it is - the band isnt going to stop me and the guilt - oh my god! I feel like I've thrown away thousands of hard earned dollars and wasted everyone's time and the pain and I'm going to stay over 100kg all my life and nothing will EVER work!!!!! Oh the self bashing! But you know what? I stop at the bite, thats enough I dont want anymore and/or its really easy to stop and walk away without any emotional suffering or I'm full or satisfied and really couldn't have more if I wanted. I get on the scales (which I've vowed to do only on Tuesday mornings from here on in) and I brace myself to see them go over 100 and they sit and stare at me on 94.0kg, and my first impulse is to think they must be wrong so I weigh myself again and again and again 94 94 94 94 94 not 102 but 94. So then I start thinking, well, they'll catch up on me next week! I have to sit and write everything I've eaten in a day to convince myself its all ok. One of these days I'm going to write down what I used to eat and stick it on the fridge, I do not even eat one of my old meals in a whole day now and yet I'm convinced that little piece of apple and raspberry cake will be enough to maintain my weight at 102kg. Mental or what? I really didnt think I was a mental case when it comes to logical thinking but man, this has brought out the worst in me! Its a very quiet voice filling my head with this shit but its a never ending narrative that is going to be really hard to get rid of. All these years I've been thinking its other people's negative comments and verbal abuse that has done me in and the worst of them all is mine!!!! MY voice is the one I cant shut up or convince that I have this under control now! That there's no need to worry, that tiny little bits of ANYTHING are OK. Its the binge attitude and the constant grazing that'll get me. And they are the two things I am absolutely NOT doing! I'm waiting for someone to say "should you be eating that" and I'll let rip - the ridiculous thing is its me I should be screaming at.

So part of me, a large part, is marvelling at the restriction and the freedom from the need to fill up and satisfy with food. Its awesome! And another part of me is still 102 kilos and still in gorge mode and wondering what the f$%^ is going on???!!?

The Spoilt Full Pig

2009-02-21T16:05:00.002+11:00

Sorry about the lack of updates but everytime I write something it gets deleted or lost or whatever and I get the poops and dont want to put the time in all over again. I have also been doing more foruming, messaging and live chatting so blogging has taken a back seat.

Do you guys all feel guilty when you're full? I associate full with being a pig and I have to write down everything I've eaten and convince myself it's not much and I haven't been a pig! The other weird one is the physical "I havent lost weight anymore" like you've just put back on the entire 8 or 10kg in one day! You feel exactly the same as you did before! You can swear when you look in the mirror you still look over 100kg its almost funny.

I've been suffering this week with husband away. I'm bored and lonely and I want to eat. I love being alone usually cause its not very often it happens but usually my neice comes over or my sister or a friend and we drink way too much wine and have nibblies or chips or whatever and generally it is a really great time for me after looking after the kids on my own and busting a gut to keep it all together. So I was hurtin and I even ate a chocolate biscuit (one I dont even like) and spat it out instead of swallowing it and it didnt help. I could have easily had more liquids but I was in one of those spoilt bitch moods where if I cant have what I want I dont want anything. I wish I liked icecream or sweet food for that matter. I love carbs, crunchy naughty carbs. I would have chewed and spat a piece of toast but I really couldnt trust myself (Yay shaggs for recognising that!) and I would FREAK if I swallowed and I was alone and what if I died......ohmigod! So its been a hard week...

So, confession time. As you can see, I was going nuts on fluids so I have very carefully begun to have mushies instead. I kinda think, when I make a soup I blend all of the food together and add water and now all I'm doing is not blending the food together but seperately and I add a little water in my mouth if the food feels too dry. Now before you freak - I am treading EXTREMELY carefully. I havent had dry meats, I blend them with water first, no bread so far, no potatoes nothing crunchy, I have been REALLY careful and not eaten til I felt full (its too late by then). I've felt more pain and discomfort on fluids. I dont lay down after I eat. I havent had one PB or heave or anything. I dont feel pain when I eat but I can feel the pressure when it goes through the band. I havent gained any weight. My biggest concern is that god awful stitch type pain in my side and when i burp if I dont hold on properly the pain goes from my left hip up through my chest and down my left shoulder. Thats awful! And that happens on fluids or on nothing at all so it doesnt have anything to do with food (I dont think). I'm still doing fluids for breakfast and I still love opti but if I never see another soup again I'll be a very happy bander! I eat not quite 1/2 cup at a time. Last night I had the compulsion to eat even though i wasnt hungry but that was bad time and food management throughout the day and also probably not eating enough until I'm full cause I'm scared of the pain with a little Friday night depression.

This all started on wednesday night (in such a funk I was ready to eat mc donalds) but my first full day was yesterday. And I LOVE it! What a difference it makes! I'm actually enjoying food again but psychologically its really hard. I'm terrified of liking the food "too" much and eating too fast and too much. I also feel like I'm a big fat heiffer until I write down what i've eaten and realise its not even one meal in my old days and its a whole days worth of food now. I weighed myself today and I am exactly the same so thats more validation for me. I'm also eating better i think - less fat thats for sure! You see, I actually HATE soup. I have NEVER eaten soup excpet for maybe a laksa so I was pretty much drinking extended sauces based primarily on cream and milk. When I did the canned soup I added milk not water and really, all this milk and cream was grossing me out. Even the word minestrone makes me want to heave. I think meaty vegie soups are like nursing home food and make me feel sad and smell like someone has pooed their pants. Now I'm having some lean meat (chicken) blended with some water and some blended peas or brussels sprouts. I had some boiled egg and cheese and ham for lunch yesterday and i love it all and its less fat and points than on liquids. I really have to go with my instincts on this. All I can say, is life has improved dramatically!

Psychologically, Friday nights are hard still, I still have a whisper of the binge compulsion. I would love to stuff my face but I know for a fact the feeling of being fat and useless is far worse than my pining for a binge. I will NEVER tell my doctor what I've done and I will act like I'm holier than though for now.

What also helps is the husband came home on Thusday night and was beside himself when he saw me! He made me feel like a teenager again. He couldnt stop looking at me! It was awesome! and reminded me of how good this can all feel! I LOVE IT! Jeans were too big so went the next size down (18) and they fit with room to move - I think they're on their way out! Stupid little excited puppy I am but I cant help it.

So I told my parents. I ended up going in to see them last Friday after the op and telling them. I hadnt seen them all week and they hadnt been in. Mum was shocked at how much weight I had lost and she knew I had been doing Opti so I told her I actually had an op. I explained it all really quickly before she could pass out (which she looked like she wanted to do) and she was actually quite fascinated and shocked that all of this had gone on right next door and they didnt know!!!! She called my dad and asked did you know Shaggs was in hospital on Tuesday night? Of course he didnt and he wouldnt believe I had had an op unitl I showed him the wounds!! He was in total disbelief. And then a bit angry and hurt cause if something had of happened he would not have had the chance to say goodbye. I told him I made sure I hugged them both and said I loved them before op and that we do that all the time anyway and anyone of us could die tomorrow it doesnt have to be an op etc etc. And he came round and now he thinks I'm so brave and strong for doing it (total opposite to what I think people will think about it being easy way out etc) Neither of them thought I was stupid or ridiculous for doing it and they're so excited for me and we talk about all the lovely clothes I will be wearing and the health etc. So they were total opposites. I thought mum would freak and dad would be cool but it was completely other way round although mum did admit that if she had known before she would have flipped and I did do the right thing by not telling her.

And thats about it for now, would like to have a really good go at some of the psychological issues here, maybe later.

One Week Bandiversary and the Chew and Spit!

2009-02-17T16:59:00.003+11:00

Its been a week and its all going great guns! The restriction feels a little less today but I have been kinda grazing (sipping here and there) rather than having a sit down slurp. Stopped Celebrex (anitinflammatory) yesterday and I do feel quite a pull on the port scar but that could also be from rolling around in bed last night (not the good kind of rolling around but just trying to get comfy). Told some mum's today at school that I got my gall bladder out - had to because I've been ignoring them and you cant step on toes at school when your kids are involved. So I go home and read up on gall bladders and did you know that there is a huge risk of gall stones with dramatic weight loss? I may have to get my gall bladder out twice!

So, the chew and spit - at the risk of losing friends - here goes. Actually dont feel like doing it today but man what a lifesaver it is! When it all gets tooooo much and you just want to lash out (I know how filthy and psychologically f$%^d up this sounds but it is so great at this stage and alot of people do it) you get the most yummy textured prohibited food (preferably carb, if you're going to do it do it properly) have a good huge mouthful just like you did in your gorging days and chew and chew and crunch and enjoy that texture and taste and everything that it has to offer and then when you have completely depleted that mouthful - spit it out! Now have a sip of your optifast shake or similar low fat feral "allowed" drinks or foods and wash down the flavour making sure you keep a tab on any residues left in your mouth (they can build up in your band). Repeat step 1 and enjoy! I have found myself full and satisfied on lebanese pizza, a calamari ring and a piece of toast with real butter. Yum! I know I shouldnt make a habit of this. I'm sure there's some kind of nervosa situation for it but until I can eat normal foods again (albeit in small quantities) I will continue to preserve my sanity in the above manner. Make sure you are discreet with your spits, it can be very gross for anyone around you, they'll be gawking in disbelief and you can giggle with delight at the awesome flavours and textures available to you with no strings attached!

Before you all freak at what a f$%&d up individual I am, have a read around and you'll find alot of people doing it in the extremely tough liquid stages or, better still, give it a go! What have you got to lose? (other than a mouthful of food). And if anyone tries to stop you and tell you that you're wasting good food, give them an Optifast shake (preferrably 3 weeks straight of them) and then they can comment.

Weeing laying down in the Valley of Death

2009-02-15T21:54:00.002+11:00

And welcome to the Valley of Death! Before you continue I would like to emphatically impress upon any readers that at no point did I ever regret being banded, not once did I ask myself why did I do this?

At the hospital by 11.30 for a 1.30 surgery. Told I would get some sedative type drugs before surgery to calm me – what I didnt know was they meant I was getting a needle as I was being wheeled into the operating theatre. Anyway, I made it in one piece and before I knew it I was waking up in recovery with someone saying it all went well which meant nothing to me as I was sliding down a slippery slope into the valley of death and into the most……….

HORRENDOUS PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You see, my gas pain is not in my shoulders but in my chest and at best it feels like a rock and at worst it stops you from breathing. So I woke up with what felt like a knife through my chest and another in my port site and not being able to breathe or talk or cry just emit tiny gasps and moans for drugs. You see painkillers have never agreed with me so morphine was out of the question and I don’t know what they were actually giving me but it wasn’t working! After about 10 top ups it was slightly bearable and I was busting for a wee. Apparently they pumped 2 litres of water into me during the op and I have no idea why! During this time more patients started coming into recovery and they wanted me out but the porters were taking someone else back to their room and the nurses wanted me to wait til I got to my room to go and I insisted on a bed pan which was one of those huge ancient ones I had to jack myself up on it (still in agony) and try to wee lying down which is no easy feat when you are cramped up from busting, full of gas and have a bladder that has been destroyed by 3 c sections and severe adhesions. But I did manage some before going back to my room.

Back at the room and I wanted more drugs, the pain was gobsmacking, I was on the main road of the Valley of Death and I still had to do a wee and the thought of getting up without more drugs made me want to wet the bed. The anesthetist suggested I do more wee in a pan to relieve some pressure - after an horrendously painful failed attempt at trying to get up. I did do some more wee which did help me get up and sit on the toilet and really do a wee and I felt much better but still like I had been hit by a truck in the chest. I decided I wasn’t going back to the bed as it was too hard and painful to get up and down and I sat in a chair at which point I could feel the drug withdrawal kicking in. By this time I had been asking for more painkillers for at least 15minutes or more. Now I was DESPERATE! I could feel the cold hand of drug withdrawal tightening around my stomach, squeezing the cold sweats out of me and I know this only leads to one place – VOMIT LAND! (The capital city of the Valley of Death) Which I know is absolutely a no no after this surgery so I was SCREAMING the place down to get something into me before I ………

And then I did.

Yes, I violently heaved 4 times within 1 hour of having my stomach stitched around a lap band.

Pretty.

Then they took me seriously didn’t they! They came running with my beautiful friend Pethidine and guess what they said, I had to get back on the bed so they could give it to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Repeat the previous agonizing steps and continue with story.

So, Pethidine – lovely sweet friend of mine – doesn’t actually take the pain away but it certainly makes it so you can psychologically cope with it. And I found a little peace for a moment or two.

Did I mention that my three little children witnessed all of this? They of course were trembling in a corner (they weren’t meant to be there but I accidentally bumped into them coming back from surgery and my husband had to be all hands on deck by this time so unfortunately they were innocent bystanders). They did however last see me all pretty and pethidined and they understood that everything was OK now and even mummies need band aids sometimes! (I will start putting money away now though for their future psychiatric needs)

Lets go back to the part where they pumped 2 litres of whatever in me for whatever reason and lets just say that the entire night was spent getting up and going to the toilet! Because of the chest pain I couldn’t lay down and because of the port site pain I couldn’t sit up and because of the weeing I couldn’t stay still so I walked and reclined and fidgeted and wee’ed my way through the night!

Fun.

Word of warning – when in hospital NEVER expect anyone else to keep up with your pain meds. It is your responsibility! If you don’t ask you don’t receive for some f#$%d up reason they think you mustn’t be in pain if you’re not screaming and heaving in a corner somewhere. Especially if its nurse change over time. My nurse said I would’nt be getting anymore meds til the next shift which was about 5 hours after the pethidine. Thanks! At about 11pm (6 hours later) I went sobbing to the nurses station to pick up my own painkillers and I got some pretty Endone. Another lovely drug! This allowed me to doze a little in between the reclining, fidgeting, walking and weeing. By 3.30 I said a little prayer to my spirit people and asked for help with the pain. The signals get a little crossed with all the drugs and I don’t know how I figured it out but all I know is I arched my back and squeezed in my ribs with my hands and I released the most blissful amount of gas from my chest. It bubbled and gurgled and fizzled and popped its way through my body and the relief was indescribable! From there I slept for 2 hours and awoke to more lovely drugs and feeling a whole lot better!

Surgeon came for a visit around 7am and PEAKED OUT that I was allowed to heave the previous afternoon. The word sepsis was thrown around but clearly I was OK and I have to say the pain I experienced during and after the heaving was no different or anymore than the pain before so I really don’t think I did any serious damage.

All I can say is from then on things only got better! Going home was bliss. Showering was heaven. The pain got better every minute. Liquids suck. I still have chest pain but a good thump and it moves on.

Friday night I had an emotional meltdown from not being a normal human being and not being able to cope with food in a respectful manner. Its now called Friday Night Depression. No take away and no wine are the only causes known to man of Friday Night Depression and the symptoms are many and varied.

In all fairness I have had all my favourite foods and tempations around me and it has been really hard to cope at times but I have a new found respect for this amazing body that heals on its own and only asks that I give it a little rest for a week or two. I know one day soon I’ll be able to eat my favourite foods in moderation and not kill myself with food abuse.

I already love my band. I love the restriction and I feel yucky after a few mouthfuls and I have no desire whatsoever to continue eating (drinking) no matter how great the fluid is. I can figure my body out so much better and understand what it needs when you’re down to the baseline. I know exactly when I need more fluid energy. What will not go down well. What will last longest. I love it! I do get freaked out by the pains and pops and burps and such and wondering if its all f#$d up and going to fall out of me and get infected or something. I just so want this all to be OK now. I feel so worried but so hopeful.

But back to today. Its day 6 and I couldnt have believed it could be so good. Every burp and fart and sickly soup I get closer and closer to feeling like a normal human being again. The pain is now more discomfort and I'm up and about but very carefully and with plenty of rests although i think I did well today taking the kids to the Aquarium and then coming home to cook dinner. The housework is catching up but I'll build up to that. Liquids are proving a challenge but i think i've come through the worst of it now. I’m taking great pleasure in the small things, a flavoursome tinned soup, a gas relieving burp, a body splitting fart and last but certainly not least the 8.2kg weight loss! That’s 3 kg since Tuesday! Love it! Everyone is freaking out looking at me cause I look so different. So unswollen and happy!

So I start and finish with the fact that no matter how dark the Valley of Death (and lets face it my Valley of Death was not as dark as a lot of bloggers) it has all been worth it!

I request the right to remain silent

2009-02-11T16:55:00.005+11:00

I'm home. Everything went well. I'm in worlds of discomfort and pain I never knew existed. No one ever told me it was going to be like this. I dont want to reveal too much cause I think everything will be so much better tomorrow and right now everything is tainted with the dark glasses of gas pain and extreme tiredness. So until later.....

PS Did I mention that I'm still so glad I did it!

Its Christmas Eve here in our house!

2009-02-09T20:26:00.002+11:00

Just a quick post. Gotten over the melancholy of the nightly news showing the devastation of the Victoria fires and now back to feeling sick for myself. Very excited and quite a bit nervous. The only thing I can pin point is just the view of the world when you're laid out on a guerny being wheeled into an op theatre (shudder!). PSD from the c sections I guess. They've promised me some pretty drugs to help my cope with the wait unfortunately they dont home deliver the night before and I have to wait until the morning. So I'm in there at 11.30am and I'm first off the rank at 1pm. Fingers crossed. I may have a cardiac arrest before then.

Looking at the world and cracking jokes like I'll never be back here again boo frigetty hoo for me. Cant concentrate enough to write anymore only to say that I rode the wave last night and all is good between me and husband today and I have reinstated my old will leaving everything to him - it no longer goes to the cat refuge.

See you on the flip side!

Have you ever wanted to kiss someone while you killed them?

2009-02-08T18:00:00.003+11:00

My husband is now not talking to me. Am I being a bitch for the sake of it or am I not sedated by food anymore? Am I not standing for crap anymore or am I provoking the crap to occur? Either way guys, that's the way it is today. I am busting a gut cleaning and cooking and shopping and making sure that everything runs smoothly for at least the next week and he's doing nothing but asking me why I'm being such a bitch. "Leave it all up to him" I hear you say. Nice thought but if I did the only people who would suffer would be the kids or me when I get home. He has an uncanny way of NEVER wearing the responsibility for anything especially when its all his responsibility.

Am I just setting him up to fail? Have I created that failure already? Should I be thankful to him for earning enough money for me to be able to do this in the first place? Should I punch him or hug him? He still cannot fathom how being around food is hard for me! He has never starved in his life and yet he thinks he can judge my behaviour (even though I will swear til my death that my unhappiness is me not being able to take the standard amount of crap that I usually take whether hungry or not is not the point I shouldnt have to take it either way). He cannot understand that over eating is an emotional issue. He thinks its as simple as "just dont eat". He doesnt understand how you can wear someone elses crap (this is understandable for a man who doesnt even accept his own responsibilty for things - how on earth could he take on someone else's????).

So if I'm being a bitch then so be it. He keeps asking if I'm going to be better after the op when I can eat again. I keep telling him I wont be eating for weeks after and even then it wont be gorging so no, I wont be sedated and in a carb coma if thats what he's asking. Will he again be able to get away with anything? I dont think so. Will I be a big ol mushy mum again - Nup definitely not. Apparently theres a 75% divorce rate after WLS. I thought maybe it was the physical changes and women running off with 25 year old personal trainers. Now I know what it is. You're not dealing with a zombie anymore. A big beautiful soft squishy human sponge who soaks up all the shit around them and only ever releases when at capacity and it takes an implosion to purge it all. The eternal human sponge who cleans up everyone elses shit and carries it around with them all day in a big wet mushy body stuffing it all ever further down with food - packing up the little emotional holes to stop the shit from pouring out.

So is the responsibility mine to find a different way to deal with everyone elses crap now or do I try and make everyone else responsible for their own shit? But that would require other people recognising their responsibility and so far today, I'm just being a bitch when I point it out.

We put the "Fun" in Dysfunctional!

2009-02-07T17:24:00.004+11:00

2 days to go!! This time next week it will be all over (and then the real work begins LOL) Feeling pretty good today. Would like to scoff but that's just for entertainment. Instead I have been cleaning out cupboards etc and planning for the week ahead. I have nightmares about after my c sections and my inept (or lazy whichever you prefer) husband didnt cope very well and I was left holding the pan and doing everything as per usual resulting in some pretty hard core scar tissue. He cant handle the domestic and culinary chaos ie; doing more than one thing at a time and that includes breathing. And not only does he do a crap job but he criticises the job that I do and when everything goes haywire for him he still blames me. It gives me a royal case of the shits but really, I have to let go of that. This just might be my chance to get some back and let go of some of the resentment I hold towards the previous situations (ha ha funny aren't I). Lets just say that the soundtrack to the Xbox game Metal Gear Solid reminds me vividly of when my first baby was born, Max Payne was baby number 2 and baby number 3 was Halo. How would we ever catch up with the latest game if it weren't for carers leave? My husband would like to say why look to the past to find a reason to hate me when you're a bitch to me right now and all to the soundtrack of PS3's Little Big Planet I might add. It seems carers leave has begun! He thinks I need to go years into the past to find something to complain about. HA! If five minutes ago is the past then I wish I had severe short term memory loss a lah 50 first dates. Oh how in love we'd be! So we'll see how much of my rock he turns out to be this week. I have my parents next door but they dont know about this and if I can at all avoid it - I wont tell them - and even if I did tell them theres a jolly good chance my mother wont speak to me for a few weeks because of her emotional retardation as witnessed each time she found out I was pregnant. Fun.

Seriously, it does concern me, I hate that feeling of relying on someone else, its very frustrating especially someone as critical, inept and uncompromising as my husband.

On the positive side, he did comment yesterday when he got home after a week away in amazement at how much weight I had lost! Yay! Pathetic little puppy me for being flattered.

So, if you hadnt noticed - bring on the visit from Aunt Flo cause even I'm hating me at the moment!

2009-02-05T21:19:00.002+11:00

In a funk again. Kind of. There's many things wrong with this week:
- Opti - need I say more
- My birthday - overindulged on wine totally ok with that but it feels like tonight I have gone back to a bit of hunger and withdrawals I want carbs badly.
- Husband been away all week - very hard, parenting alone, not much company all that goes with that
- PMT - need I say more
- The reality of surgery now that every other worry has passed (money, opti, waiting periods etc)
- Massively sore and itchy cold sore on my lip which further makes eating a shit thing to do (as if opti wasnt enough)
- Very tired, crash every night and then wide awake at 1am for hours
I know, all very minor worries but under the microscope of PMT and loneliness they're HUGE!
I also really dont believe that the weight loss to date (4.7kgs) reflects the amount of sacrifice and discomfort I have endured (woe is me!). Now I really know I'm whingeing - shitty about 4.7kgs now I'm shitting myself. Sorry guys....

I have actually been enjoying opti and have learnt so much about hunger and food etc its been all worth it just for that. Anyway, too despondant even for blogging - going now, losing the will to live.....

Why not? or But Why?

2009-01-31T20:47:00.003+11:00

Well there's definitely things going on in my head and I mean good things not like the little white men are coming kinda thing. I have worked out that what I am eating in a day is 9.5pts on weight watchers where normally I would eat 22 points on a very strict day. So I know I have quite a few points to play with and still lose weight. However, despite giving myself every opportunity to cheat on the side and it is Saturday etc etc I have been asking myself "But why?" when before I would say "ah bugger it why not?" and just scoff. I am actually analyzing what I would actually get out of stuffing something in my gob. I was even thinking of some Macca's but I knew that if I went there I would feel worse because of the carb cycle thing and the never ending quest to stave off the hunger after a carb binge.

let me say too, that although weight watchers allows you alot of different things it is actually harder to stick to than this. I dont know if I'm just a grown up now and thinking differently or its the carbs and low fat cracker crap that WW pushes in the pursuit of maximising what you eat for little points irrespective of the impact of that food on your hunger or metabolism.

I think we may have reached an enlightening..... Everyone may have been right - this does actually get better by the 4th or 5th day.

Grieving for food

2009-01-30T16:40:00.004+11:00

I'm kinda in a funk. Its all good its just that I want food. Or I want to be totally left alone to cope with this. I'm bored with this Optishite ( actually its not even that bad) its just that its Friday night, I would love to get some take away and a bottle of wine and what do I do when I cant?

I have found throughout the last 4 days on Opti I have noticed how many of my thoughts, actions, feelings and activities are based around food. Food punctuates every event and every waking thought and I really miss it. I really miss meat and fruit and carbs, crunchy chips or crackers or bread oh toast! Will I ever eat these things with joy again? Is this it? Do other people pine for food? My friend, my enemy its starting to feel like the acceptance stage of grief or maybe we're a little denial and a little acceptance still with a sprinkle of anger. As a mother food is one of the only things we can do or enjoy with kids around. We stay home an awful lot cause its just too hard to get out babysitting, money etc so you stay home and what..... eat, cook, eat or cook or get someone else to cook and then eat some more. Watch a movie - with food - go on a picnic - with food - go to someone elses house - take food - get kids off to school - pack food - food food food I'm freaking over this and this is why I want a band and yet here I am without a band fighting this horrendous, neverending fight. I'm starting to want to scream!!!!!!!!!!

So, yes I can eat, but more f$%^&ing vegetables. So I try to make them interesting but you know what? Its still f#$%^ing vegetables. I just want a piece of meat with my vegetables not a freakin foul milkshake. I have no inkling for maccas kfc or any other shite for that matter I just want meat. Could this be some weird protein overdose like a dog who eats raw meat for the first time and gets a taste for blood? I actually want chicken - I dont want a bleeding piece of cow. Would it be breaking if I had grilled chicken with my vegetables tonight instead of a revolting choc milkshake? Is that breaking or is having a burger or take away or wine breaking? Would that make me happy? Having chicken, would that make me happy? Or will it start the snowball rolling?

The dietician said they used to put people on low fat diets but they found that people were making all kinds of substitutes and not losing weight so Optishit is the best way to keep people on the straight and narrow. So would chicken prepared lovingly by an ex weight watcher be cheating? Funny thing is, I dont actually feel that hungry but also today I am actually not getting full either??? Strange, could there be something else at play here? Maybe PMT? Who knows? Must go my baked vegetables are ready (snore)

From one addict to another!

2009-01-29T12:12:00.003+11:00

If you were a heroin addict you would be in rehab right now drying out in peace and quiet with all of the help and medical intervention and all of the love and support in the world. I am a recovering food addict and expect to be treated as such. Sometimes feeding the kids gets too much for me and I ask someone else to take over or make the kids wait. I turn off the food ads and cooking shows on the TV. I spend minimal time in woolworths. I prepare one meal and one meal only no variations, clean up straight away and get out of that kitchen quick smart. At the moment no one is allowed to eat any overly smelly foods around me or crunch away on carbs. My moods must be tolerated. I am preparing foods that require as little preparation as possible eg: left overs, oven baked pre packaged foods, bbq chooks and someone else has to clean up the leftovers. No cafes, restaurants, take aways no sitting watching other people eat while I remain resiliant. I am finally treating myself like my own best friend with their best interests in mind. I'm speaking up and asking for help and I better get it or I will crack it!!!

Having said that - Day 3 on Optifast and feeling great today! Dont have that weird, empty hungry feeling I'm really getting used to this. I would LOVE something different but I'm starting to get inventive with the vegies so that helps. I just HAD to weigh myself today and you know what - I have lost 3.2kgs in 2 days!!!! and thats no smoke and mirrors completely naked first thing in morning no periods etc or other weight reducing techniques no diaretics (sic) and I havent been exercising as I really did not feel I had the kilojoule capacity to uphold any extra physical activity. Just the Optifast and I have been sticking to it like glue although I think I may have exceeded the vegie intake but far out they have NO fat so really, its kinda like eating air. I miss fruit and I miss salt but I'm getting over that.

Here's some tips that have helped me through this phase

1. Start as early as you can weaning yourself off alcohol, carbs, artificial sweetners, fizzy drinks, salt and food quantity.

2. Dont let yourself get overly hungry. Stay close to home so you can eat the right things at the right time or be prepared if you're going out. Treat yourself like a newborn baby. You wouldnt make a baby wait so why should you? If you're hungry at 11am eat! I have found breaking down my meals into 2-3hour snacks helps heaps. I have a bar for breakfast with my tea or coffee (and really, if you have about 3 tablespoons of milk in your drink it wont kill if it means you're going to stick to this gig) The bar usually hangs around mostly uneaten all morning and I have little bites over a 1 -2 hour period. Around 11 I have a soup mix or some of my vegies either a salad or hot vegies. Around 1 or 2 pm I have more vegies around 5.30 I have more vegies (usually a soup I have made) and for dessert at around 7pm I have the shake. I am actually eating all day but just little bits (Like about a half or a cup at a time). Sometimes I keep a mouthful left over and shove that in if the hunger starts up, it just needs a tiny bit of something to stop. You dont have to be full to not experience hunger. I ESPECIALLY have something to nibble on while I'm cooking for everyone else.

2.5. Dont go near carbs! Dont lick your fingers, dont smell them, dont even have one little taste or even glimpse for that matter, not a crumb, not a crust it will, and I swear this is guaranteed, trip your switch in your brain and you will lose all control. You will no longer be in control it will be someone else and when you finally come back I guarantee you will be sooooooooooo disappointed. You would NEVER suggest that a heroin addict have one little half a shot or just lick the syringe so why would you do it with food?

3. Freeze the optifast milkshake or half freeze and lick and suck and crunch away YUM! Just like a chocolate Paddle Pop.

4. Dont underestimate the power of a sugar free chewy lolly to get you through! Having said that -

5. Do try and steer away from artifical sweetners and diet drinks, save them for a treat have a mouthful and really enjoy the flavour and sensation dont think of them as a big skolling drink. I find they make you hungry. They are carbohydrate modified foods and that means - the carbohydrates will modify your brain.

6. Be concious of the things that bring you joy and happiness that are not food related and realise that you will find comfort in places other than with food.

7. Keep busy

8. Blog

9. Chat to others on forums etc

Enjoy the journey - if possible!

Its only day 3 and this may be premature but maybe this will help me get through the bad days if I re read it - I hope it helps someone out there!

Vegie San Choy Bow (Lettuce Parcels)

2009-01-29T11:47:00.004+11:00

Yum yum! is all I can say about this one. On Optifast I was missing eating parceled up food like sandwiches and I really like the crunch but without the carroty vegie taste so I invented this one, give it a try. Once again it complies with Optifast presurgery diet and is 0 points on Weight Watchers.

Spray a little olive oil spray or cooking spray or use non stick fry pan lightly fry some ginger, garlic and about 2 cups of shredded vegies perhaps:

Carrot

Cabbage

Onion

Fresh Beetroot

Zuchini (sic)

Bean shoots or whatever else you like from Opti list
I use woolworths pre packaged Rainbow Salad mix and coleslaw mix (no dressing) saves the time and work and makes it a no brainer and super quick for when you're starving. I like the vegies really thin as I am a bit sick of vegie tastes and really dont want to taste any one vegie in particular.

Just as vegies start to soften add about 1 tablespoon of soy and about 2 tablespoons water and fry it off
Take a big iceberg lettuce leaf

Put about 2-3 tablespoons of mix in and roll it up dont over fill as it falls apart and the taste ratios start to mess up.

This makes about 1 cooked cup of mix and with 2 lettuce leaves you're right on it babe!

Splash out: use a tiny bit of oyster sauce - you're upping your salt but increasing flavour by magnitudes. If you use it after cooking in the wrap you dont need as much maybe a tablespoon all up.

Now try that and tell me you feel deprived!

Creamy Cauliflower Soup Recipe

2009-01-28T21:22:00.003+11:00

The creamy soup you're eating when you're not eating creamy soup its Shaggs' Cauliflower soup and its delicious!

It has no fat or sugar and minimal salt (optional). It is allowed on the Optifast presurgery diet, the mushy food diet post surgery (possibly even liquids depending on how thin you make it) and is 0 points on weight watchers

Approx 500grams cauliflower roughly chopped 4 Shallots roughly chopped
1 tsp chicken stock or any stock (yes I know its got salt but get over it think about how much salt is in KFC)
Enough water in your pot to cover the lot
Boil until its quite soft
At the last minute if you like add a tablespoon of curry powder (YUM)
Drain most of the water off but keep it in a pot on the side
Leave about a cup of water in the pot with the cauli's etc
Blend the lot it should be mushy beaware that if its hot it may splatter on you

Keep adding the reserved water until you have the right consistency that you like. You really want it smooth and creamy to trick your brain that you are eating a creamy soup.

Even if you splashed out and put a tablespoon of low fat sour cream or yoghurt on the top it wouldnt "break the bank" so enjoy!

"Just cause I'm fat doesnt mean I love sugar" and other Optifast stories

2009-01-28T21:10:00.002+11:00

So, here we are at the end of day two, it may be too early to tell but its not so bad. I dont mind the actual products and their flavours. They are a bit dry and grainy but they're kinda workable. But why oh why does everything have to be sweet? The only savoury option is the soup which I really like but thats it. I am so over artificial sweetness it takes me about 2 hours to eat the chocolate bar and the milkshake has to be almost frozen stiff - and oh what I'd give for some salt! I was just so famished this morning I just had to weigh myself to record the damage and woah - i lost 1.8kg since the morning before!

It really shits me that a fat person must automatically love sugar and chocolate. Sorry, but I'm a carb addict of the salty and savoury variety. I think I'm going to go crazy before the 2 weeks is up but so far so good. Although had a doozy of a row with the husband yesterday and I feel like I might die in my sleep if I expend too much energy getting to bed but all up, not so bad. The kids keep asking why I'm so cranky but I am also not taking any shit from anyone anymore so they have to start cleaning up after themselves and if that sounds like I'm shitty and not the typical marshmallow mum they're used to - then so be it!

I ate a huge lunch the day before Opti and didnt feel like dinner so yesterday I was starving. Today the starving is a little less and I have been cooking up some recipes with the vegies. There's one for you in the next blog.

As you can see this blog is a little scattered and I really just dont have the brain power or kilojoule content for this kind of activity by this time of night so until next time......

The Last Supper - Bye Bye Shaggs, its been nice knowing you!

2009-01-26T17:30:00.004+11:00

Today I had my last supper and early birthday celebration. There was some debating about where we would go and everyone wanted to go to GPK a family pizza place (very nice) but I wanted my favourite Danny's Seafood Restaurant and you know what, I put my foot down and for once insisted we do what I wanted to do purely and simply because it was what I wanted and it was my day. Nice feeling too it was!

And it was yum! But you know what, glad I did it but I'm not sure I'm going to miss it!? NOTHING tastes as good as being skinny feels. I feel like my brain is in the zone and now my body has to catch up and I'm actually looking forward to Opti tomorrow. I'm all stocked up and ready to go, have a rough idea of what i'll be having and how and I'm dead excited! Oh to have a purpose in life!!!! The lady at the chemist knows about my plans and she made me promise I'll go in and see her and give her updates! I told her she probably wont recognise me! That positive thinking has definitely kicked in!

La Perouse (where Danny's is) was beautiful and we hung out on the rocks with the kids exploring the rock pools and we dreamt about what I would be wearing this time next year and how our lives would be different. I am looking at everything I eat and how I eat it and am conscious of how things will change but I just cant wait now. Thank God they got me in straight away. I'd be a mental case and would stress eat another 20kg on.

Things may be very different this time tomorrow when I'm feint and violent from starvation but until then bye bye old shaggs, its been nice knowing you!

Dare to Dream...

2009-01-25T18:13:00.002+11:00

I have been giving alot of thought to what I will wear along my road to goal and here is something I've wanted to wear for such a long time...

THE black shirt dress! its not exactly the one I wanted but I do love it. It looks a little plain in the pic but it really comes alive with the right shoes and bra. It was bought to sell on ebay but today as I went to sell it I decided that perhaps its a keeper. I feel that this time next year it will be one of my summer favourites and this whole experience will be some weird faded memory. I may even get to wear it in winter with the gorgeous black knee high boots my husband bought me about 3 years ago that I have never been able to wear because my calves are too big (ie; fat and or muscularly oversized to carry my huge load).

The dress is a Portmans Size 12 and I can feel it on me already. Dare I dream lest I be disappointed? What if I am one of the ones it doesnt help? As quantity is my main issue (I love good food and exercise - junk and sugar aren't really my issue) the doctors and dietician seem to think I am a perfect candidate for the band so I just have to go with that and allow myself to dream to once again have faith that I can do this, I am in control and whatever life throws at me, I will be able to cope without lashing out on food and my body. I am saying what I need to say and letting go of what cant be said and not shoving it all down with food. I am ear bashing anyone who will listen (or no one and thats OK too) to this blog, I feel like the issues are fading into the past and now my only concerns are

1. Making it through Optifilth successfully

2. Not dying of nerves before going into the op theatre

3. Maintaining momentum after surgery (first fill is 6 weeks after surgery and I hate to think I'm going to be hungry during that time)

But really, I think I'll be ok. I've come such a long way without the band already I really cant see me coming apart cause things may not be completely right straight after. I'm just going to stick to the rules and make sure I never find out the pain of food being stuck, regurgitated or slipping through the system!

I'm worried about how much i've gained this weekend! I'm nowhere near hungry but I have been getting as much different foods I love in as possible so I'm a little concerned about weigh in tomorrow morning....

Anyway, there's enough time for punishment in the next two weeks....

No diet coke for 4 days!!

2009-01-25T18:06:00.004+11:00

I wrote a whole post last night and it got stuffed up by our server. Very annoying but basically its says we have all the money we need for this so its all systems go! I have also been 4 days without diet coke and actually not missing it and actually not hungry...... there's definitely more to the story on this one. (Have only had about a litre in a week now) We'll see how I go on Optifilth without any soft drink at all (I refuse to drink or use artifical sweetners). So 10th February is the big day! And Tuesday is Optifilth! Yay, and birthday is smack bang in the middle! Wow, posting this now before it gets "lost".

And the date is......

2009-01-22T20:53:00.000+11:00

Went for my first appointment with the clinic today and yes, I have a date! Will I have the money with very short notice? Not so sure but, I have a date. Drum roll please........ 10th February. Yes, as in 2009 less than 3 weeks away. Yes I will be starting Optifast on Tuesday next week, havent had any "lasts" but here I am. Always worked well under pressure and lived by the rule that if it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would ever get done! So here we go. Money should be OK but I wont let myself get too excited until I know for sure. Should know tomorrow or Monday at the latest but if its going to be longer I will start Opti and pray for the best. Oh, and did I mention its my birthday smack bang in the middle of my optifast? And that NO ONE knows what I'm doing? I think alarm bells will be ringing when I'm sucking on lettuce leaves for my birthday!

But I'm so excited but I have a very tight lid on it until I find out for sure about the money. Here I am stressing about the money and I know the universe is laughing and saying "the money? Puh! Thats the easy bit!" soon I'll be all on my own in this and REALLY have something to stress about.

I'm already looking at the world in a massively different way and one of my old dreams has resurfaced. I never got to wear a wedding dress. I was pregnant when I got married and I wore a maternity dress. I had already gained 10kgs and I was sooooo uncomfortable and only 3 months pregnant but felt 8 months. So, what I DREEEEEAM of doing is being about a size 12 (less would be great but 12 will do) and going into a bridal shop and trying on the most gorgeous dress possible and having photos. I just want to know what it feels like. Dont necessarily want the wedding day or to wear a dress like that for a whole day or walk up an aisle like a mong but just the dress just to feel it on me mmmmmmmmmmm.......

Thats my dream... a bit Muriels Wedding but I dont care, its all I want as far as physical appearance goes. My main dream is to be free of the addiction of food. Oh sweet relief! To stop this vicious cycle of eating the wrong things or too much, feeling bad, looking fat, eating to feel better, feeling bad, looking fat blah blah blah. Over it.

Must start posting before shots and getting a ticker going! Wooo very exciting (you can tell I'm keeping a lid on it cant you?)

"My name is Shaggs and I am a foodaholic"

2009-01-21T08:28:00.000+11:00

Last night was the information seminar at the clinic I want to go to and woah!

As soon as I walked in it hit me in a rush that I had let it get to this point - that this was now a medical condition and required surgery! How had things gotten this bad? Why did they have to know as soon as I walked in what I was there for? So I walk into a room full of big seats and medically supplied large lounge chairs and sit down on my own (everyone seemed to have someone with them) and the tears just started springing to my eyes and I could have had a melt down right there and then. This was turing out to be my AA moment - "My name is Shaggs and I am a foodaholic". There was a skinny girl inside me crying her eyes out saying "no,no ,no I don't belong here you've got it all wrong!" but here I am anyway - and yes, I suffer from clinical obesity - there - I said it. No more denial, there's no mistaking it, it is what it is but it doesnt really help to admit it, just makes me want to eat more because of the pain of realisation.

So anyway, the meeting was excellent, I loved the people who talked and the reasons why the clinic was developed and why they had big chairs (because of the indignities they had seen people suffer in "normal" situations the least they can do is provide a comfortable chair) I have just deleted an entire paragraph trying to explain how I feel about being there last night but I just couldnt find the right words and it kept coming out wrong. The fact of the matter is that if this was not a medical condition and was just about being lazy or slothish then there wouldnt be so many people suffering exercise and diet would work.

I have gotten some excellent responses to the whole is it really worth it question and so many of the answers were what I suspected but didnt just want to assume. I needed to hear it from people. I am soooooooooo excited about the surgery now. I totally trust the clinic I am going through now we just have to sort out the money side of things but I am ready to go and I'm so glad I have started some kind of control situation before the surgery and last night has given me even greater inspiration to keep on it (they said it was best to start sooner than later) That doesn't mean I wont be having a long series of "lasts" in the coming weeks!

The Diet Coke Conspiracy

2009-01-20T09:29:00.000+11:00

I have always been suspicious of diet coke as, and I swear this, I did not have a weight problem until I started drinking diet coke. I can never say that it is the sole reason I have a problem but it is very suspicious and worth looking into.

I read a doctor on one of the blogs (thank you for that info Skinny in Texas) mention that -

"Artificially sweetened drinks can increase appetite, resulting in a higher consumption of food, not to mention the questionable effects that artificial sweeteners have on our bodies."

So I decided to look into this as it has been an interest of mine for some years and look what I found..

Check out these sites - definitely food for thought!
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/Story?id=4271246&page=1
http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20050613/drink-more-diet-soda-gain-more-weight

I LOVE diet coke and can easily consume at least a litre a day and easily more. When I do weight watchers and any kind of food control I really cut back partly because I dont like the whole gas issue and getting pumped up and bloated but also because I'm aware of my water intake and I dont get thirsty so then no coke. And I notice a huge difference in my bloatedness and my ability to stop eating during a meal. That could be because of the wash down effect I have learnt about whilst researching the lap band. Either way I am better off with limited or no diet coke. Friends and family have also noticed this effect.

And now check this...

My husband drinks regualr coke and if he gives it up and goes to diet drinks guess what, it makes absolutely no difference to his weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, my own little science experiment in the comfort of my own home! He does not lose a single gram by going from regular coke to diet coke. And yes it is a significant amount of coke too.

I have always been interested in diet products in that most of them offer no sugar but not much else either eg: energy. Would you not be better off consuming that bit of sugar and having some extra energy to burn than fake sugar and no extra energy??? Mmmmm interesting...

I think my next blog will be all of the useful (and interesting) tips I have gathered during the 17 years I have been overweight and yes, no diet coke will be on the top of that list......

WLS versus no WLS is it really worth it?

2009-01-20T08:54:00.000+11:00

So, is it worth it? It seems that everyone is still suffering with food addiction even while banded so what does the band bring to the table? Will it actually help me and how? Sent out a post on a forum today and I'm ready to be burned at the stake by the die hards but I really need to know what is different after the band. It is my last concern but a really big one. I find out my surgery date on Thursday so I would really like to sort this one out - its my last residue of doubt. I guess this is so important because it is not necessarily just the weight that is my issue but the obsession with food. The constant concern with food! and I can't see that actually being dealt with by the surgery. It seems I'm just adding a new obsession ie; fills, unfills, restriction, good foods etc as well as even more problems ie; scarring (got horrendous internal scarring from c sections already), infections, financial costs, reflux etc etc. And I know exactly how to bypass the band already and it hasn't even been done yet! Is it that you start losing really quickly and that gives you the taste for more loss and propels you into the next "control yourself" zone?

I just want my brain back. What if I took it back? If I kept it busy I'm pretty sure it wouldn't get the chance to eat.

Blogging and journalling is a great distraction and I have been keeping track of foods now for a week or so and writing in a journal and I was doing really well until the weekend. I still didnt have a bender but we've been away and without a kitchen and while I have been trying to choose the healthy options its not alway possible. So anyway, I lost 1.6kgs without killing myself and no exercise although not sitting completely on my ass either. I've also cut alot of the alcohol and now I'm going to cut back on the diet coke thing too (thats another blog). I definitely noticed in my journal that I am a boredom eater. I want to eat everytime I am bored which, since I'm at home with kids alot, is quite often. I'm also a revenge/reflex eater. If my husband or anyone for that matter upsets me I get the strong and sudden urge to lash out on alcohol and food. And I'm also a comfort eater when my hard day is done I just want to zone out and soothe myself with a lil somethin'. So basically I'll eat for any old reason. Now I'm going to be a control eater, using food as the only mechanism by which i can gain a sense of control. I have been up for 2 hours now and still not had breakfast because half of me wants to take the healthy option and go cereal while the other half wants toast. So we're at a stalemate. So I'm blogging and posting instead stomach a growlin and getting weaker by the minute, cant type anymore, losing the will to live.....