Why not? or But Why?

Well there's definitely things going on in my head and I mean good things not like the little white men are coming kinda thing. I have worked out that what I am eating in a day is 9.5pts on weight watchers where normally I would eat 22 points on a very strict day. So I know I have quite a few points to play with and still lose weight. However, despite giving myself every opportunity to cheat on the side and it is Saturday etc etc I have been asking myself "But why?" when before I would say "ah bugger it why not?" and just scoff. I am actually analyzing what I would actually get out of stuffing something in my gob. I was even thinking of some Macca's but I knew that if I went there I would feel worse because of the carb cycle thing and the never ending quest to stave off the hunger after a carb binge.

let me say too, that although weight watchers allows you alot of different things it is actually harder to stick to than this. I dont know if I'm just a grown up now and thinking differently or its the carbs and low fat cracker crap that WW pushes in the pursuit of maximising what you eat for little points irrespective of the impact of that food on your hunger or metabolism.

I think we may have reached an enlightening..... Everyone may have been right - this does actually get better by the 4th or 5th day.

Grieving for food

I'm kinda in a funk. Its all good its just that I want food. Or I want to be totally left alone to cope with this. I'm bored with this Optishite ( actually its not even that bad) its just that its Friday night, I would love to get some take away and a bottle of wine and what do I do when I cant?

I have found throughout the last 4 days on Opti I have noticed how many of my thoughts, actions, feelings and activities are based around food. Food punctuates every event and every waking thought and I really miss it. I really miss meat and fruit and carbs, crunchy chips or crackers or bread oh toast! Will I ever eat these things with joy again? Is this it? Do other people pine for food? My friend, my enemy its starting to feel like the acceptance stage of grief or maybe we're a little denial and a little acceptance still with a sprinkle of anger. As a mother food is one of the only things we can do or enjoy with kids around. We stay home an awful lot cause its just too hard to get out babysitting, money etc so you stay home and what..... eat, cook, eat or cook or get someone else to cook and then eat some more. Watch a movie - with food - go on a picnic - with food - go to someone elses house - take food - get kids off to school - pack food - food food food I'm freaking over this and this is why I want a band and yet here I am without a band fighting this horrendous, neverending fight. I'm starting to want to scream!!!!!!!!!!

So, yes I can eat, but more f$%^&ing vegetables. So I try to make them interesting but you know what? Its still f#$%^ing vegetables. I just want a piece of meat with my vegetables not a freakin foul milkshake. I have no inkling for maccas kfc or any other shite for that matter I just want meat. Could this be some weird protein overdose like a dog who eats raw meat for the first time and gets a taste for blood? I actually want chicken - I dont want a bleeding piece of cow. Would it be breaking if I had grilled chicken with my vegetables tonight instead of a revolting choc milkshake? Is that breaking or is having a burger or take away or wine breaking? Would that make me happy? Having chicken, would that make me happy? Or will it start the snowball rolling?

The dietician said they used to put people on low fat diets but they found that people were making all kinds of substitutes and not losing weight so Optishit is the best way to keep people on the straight and narrow. So would chicken prepared lovingly by an ex weight watcher be cheating? Funny thing is, I dont actually feel that hungry but also today I am actually not getting full either??? Strange, could there be something else at play here? Maybe PMT? Who knows? Must go my baked vegetables are ready (snore)

From one addict to another!

If you were a heroin addict you would be in rehab right now drying out in peace and quiet with all of the help and medical intervention and all of the love and support in the world. I am a recovering food addict and expect to be treated as such. Sometimes feeding the kids gets too much for me and I ask someone else to take over or make the kids wait. I turn off the food ads and cooking shows on the TV. I spend minimal time in woolworths. I prepare one meal and one meal only no variations, clean up straight away and get out of that kitchen quick smart. At the moment no one is allowed to eat any overly smelly foods around me or crunch away on carbs. My moods must be tolerated. I am preparing foods that require as little preparation as possible eg: left overs, oven baked pre packaged foods, bbq chooks and someone else has to clean up the leftovers. No cafes, restaurants, take aways no sitting watching other people eat while I remain resiliant. I am finally treating myself like my own best friend with their best interests in mind. I'm speaking up and asking for help and I better get it or I will crack it!!!

Having said that - Day 3 on Optifast and feeling great today! Dont have that weird, empty hungry feeling I'm really getting used to this. I would LOVE something different but I'm starting to get inventive with the vegies so that helps. I just HAD to weigh myself today and you know what - I have lost 3.2kgs in 2 days!!!! and thats no smoke and mirrors completely naked first thing in morning no periods etc or other weight reducing techniques no diaretics (sic) and I havent been exercising as I really did not feel I had the kilojoule capacity to uphold any extra physical activity. Just the Optifast and I have been sticking to it like glue although I think I may have exceeded the vegie intake but far out they have NO fat so really, its kinda like eating air. I miss fruit and I miss salt but I'm getting over that.

Here's some tips that have helped me through this phase

1. Start as early as you can weaning yourself off alcohol, carbs, artificial sweetners, fizzy drinks, salt and food quantity.

2. Dont let yourself get overly hungry. Stay close to home so you can eat the right things at the right time or be prepared if you're going out. Treat  yourself like a newborn baby. You wouldnt make a baby wait so why should you? If you're hungry at 11am eat! I have found breaking down my meals into 2-3hour snacks helps heaps. I have a bar for breakfast with my tea or coffee (and really, if you have about 3 tablespoons of milk in your drink it wont kill if it means you're going to stick to this gig) The bar usually hangs around mostly uneaten all morning and I have little bites over a 1 -2 hour period. Around 11 I have a soup mix or some of my vegies either a salad or hot vegies. Around 1 or 2 pm I have more vegies around 5.30 I have more vegies (usually a soup I have made) and for dessert at around 7pm I have the shake. I am actually eating all day but just little bits (Like about a half or a cup at a time). Sometimes I keep a mouthful left over and shove that in if the hunger starts up, it just needs a tiny bit of something to stop. You dont have to be full to not experience hunger. I ESPECIALLY have something to nibble on while I'm cooking for everyone else.

2.5. Dont go near carbs! Dont lick your fingers, dont smell them, dont even have one little taste or even glimpse for that matter, not a crumb, not a crust it will, and I swear this is guaranteed, trip your switch in your brain and you will lose all control. You will no longer be in control it will be someone else and when you finally come back I guarantee you will be sooooooooooo disappointed. You would NEVER suggest that a heroin addict have one little half a shot or just lick the syringe so why would you do it with food?

3. Freeze the optifast milkshake or half freeze and lick and suck and crunch away YUM! Just like a chocolate Paddle Pop.

4. Dont underestimate the power of a sugar free chewy lolly to get you through! Having said that - 

5. Do try and steer away from artifical sweetners and diet drinks, save them for a treat have a mouthful and really enjoy the flavour and sensation dont think of them as a big skolling drink. I find they make you hungry.  They are carbohydrate modified foods and that means - the carbohydrates will modify your brain.

6. Be concious of the things that bring you joy and happiness that are not food related and realise that you will find comfort in places other than with food.

7. Keep busy

8. Blog

9. Chat to others on forums etc

Enjoy the journey - if possible!

Its only day 3 and this may be premature but maybe this will help me get through the bad days if I re read it - I hope it helps someone  out there!

Vegie San Choy Bow (Lettuce Parcels)

Yum yum! is all I can say about this one. On Optifast I was missing eating parceled up food like sandwiches and I really like the crunch but without the carroty vegie taste so I invented this one, give it a try. Once again it complies with Optifast presurgery diet and is 0 points on Weight Watchers.

Spray a little olive oil spray or cooking spray or use non stick fry pan lightly fry some ginger, garlic and about 2 cups of shredded vegies perhaps:

Carrot

Cabbage

Onion

Fresh Beetroot

Zuchini (sic)

Bean shoots or whatever else you like from Opti list
I use woolworths pre packaged Rainbow Salad mix and coleslaw mix (no dressing) saves the time and work and makes it a no brainer and super quick for when you're starving. I like the vegies really thin as I am a bit sick of vegie tastes and really dont want to taste any one vegie in particular.

Just as vegies start to soften add about 1 tablespoon of soy and about 2 tablespoons water and fry it off
Take a big iceberg lettuce leaf

Put about 2-3 tablespoons of mix in and roll it up dont over fill as it falls apart and the taste ratios start to mess up.

This makes about 1 cooked cup of mix and with 2 lettuce leaves you're right on it babe!

Splash out: use a tiny bit of oyster sauce - you're upping your salt but increasing flavour by magnitudes. If you use it after cooking in the wrap you dont need as much maybe a tablespoon all up.

Now try that and tell me you feel deprived!

Creamy Cauliflower Soup Recipe

The creamy soup you're eating when you're not eating creamy soup its Shaggs' Cauliflower soup and its delicious!

It has no fat or sugar and minimal salt (optional). It is allowed on the Optifast presurgery diet, the mushy food diet post surgery (possibly even liquids depending on how thin you make it) and is 0 points on weight watchers


Approx 500grams cauliflower roughly chopped 4 Shallots roughly chopped
1 tsp chicken stock or any stock (yes I know its got salt but get over it think about how much salt is in KFC)
Enough water in your pot to cover the lot
Boil until its quite soft
At the last minute if you like add a tablespoon of curry powder (YUM)
Drain most of the water off but keep it in a pot on the side
Leave about a cup of water in the pot with the cauli's etc
Blend the lot it should be mushy beaware that if its hot it may splatter on you

Keep adding the reserved water until you have the right consistency that you like. You really want it smooth and creamy to trick your brain that you are eating a creamy soup.

Even if you splashed out and put a tablespoon of low fat sour cream or yoghurt on the top it wouldnt "break the bank" so enjoy!

"Just cause I'm fat doesnt mean I love sugar" and other Optifast stories

So, here we are at the end of day two, it may be too early to tell but its not so bad. I dont mind the actual products and their flavours. They are a bit dry and grainy but they're kinda workable. But why oh why does everything have to be sweet? The only savoury option is the soup which I really like but thats it. I am so over artificial sweetness it takes me about 2 hours to eat the chocolate bar and the milkshake has to be almost frozen stiff - and oh what I'd give for some salt! I was just so famished this morning I just had to weigh myself to record the damage and woah - i lost 1.8kg since the morning before!

It really shits me that a fat person must automatically love sugar and chocolate. Sorry, but I'm a carb addict of the salty and savoury variety. I think I'm going to go crazy before the 2 weeks is up but so far so good. Although had a doozy of a row with the husband yesterday and I feel like I might die in my sleep if I expend too much energy getting to bed but all up, not so bad. The kids keep asking why I'm so cranky but I am also not taking any shit from anyone anymore so they have to start cleaning up after themselves and if that sounds like I'm shitty and not the typical marshmallow mum they're used to - then so be it!

I ate a huge lunch the day before Opti and didnt feel like dinner so yesterday I was starving. Today the starving is a little less and I have been cooking up some recipes with the vegies.  There's one for you in the next blog.

As you can see this blog is a little scattered and I really just dont have the brain power or kilojoule content for this kind of activity by this time of night so until next time......

The Last Supper - Bye Bye Shaggs, its been nice knowing you!

Today I had my last supper and early birthday celebration. There was some debating about where we would go and everyone wanted to go to GPK a family pizza place (very nice) but I wanted my favourite Danny's Seafood Restaurant and you know what, I put my foot down and for once insisted we do what I wanted to do purely and simply because it was what I wanted and it was my day. Nice feeling too it was!

And it was yum! But you know what, glad I did it but I'm not sure I'm going to miss it!? NOTHING tastes as good as being skinny feels. I feel like my brain is in the zone and now my body has to catch up and I'm actually looking forward to Opti tomorrow. I'm all stocked up and ready to go, have a rough idea of what i'll be having and how and I'm dead excited! Oh to have a purpose in life!!!! The lady at the chemist knows about my plans and she made me promise I'll go in and see her and give her updates! I told her she probably wont recognise me! That positive thinking has definitely kicked in!

La Perouse (where Danny's is) was beautiful and we hung out on the rocks with the kids exploring the rock pools and we dreamt about what I would be wearing this time next year and how our lives would be different. I am looking at everything I eat and how I eat it and am conscious of how things will change but I just cant wait now. Thank God they got me in straight away. I'd be a mental case and would stress eat another 20kg on.

Things may be very different this time tomorrow when I'm feint and violent from starvation but until then bye bye old shaggs, its been nice knowing you!

Dare to Dream...

I have been giving alot of thought to what I will wear along my road to goal and here is something I've wanted to wear for such a long time...

THE black shirt dress! its not exactly the one I wanted but I do love it. It looks a little plain in the pic but it really comes alive with the right shoes and bra. It was bought to sell on ebay but today as I went to sell it I decided that perhaps its a keeper. I feel that this time next year it will be one of my summer favourites and this whole experience will be some weird faded memory. I may even get to wear it in winter with the gorgeous black knee high boots my husband bought me about 3 years ago that I have never been able to wear because my calves are too big (ie; fat and or muscularly oversized to carry my huge load).

The dress is a Portmans Size 12 and I can feel it on me already. Dare I dream lest I be disappointed? What if I am one of the ones it doesnt help? As quantity is my main issue (I love good food and exercise - junk and sugar aren't really my issue) the doctors and dietician seem to think I am a perfect candidate for the band so I just have to go with that and allow myself to dream to once again have faith that I can do this, I am in control and whatever life throws at me, I will be able to cope without lashing out on food and my body. I am saying what I need to say and letting go of what cant be said and not shoving it all down with food. I am ear bashing anyone who will listen (or no one and thats OK too) to this blog, I feel like the issues are fading into the past and now my only concerns are

1. Making it through Optifilth successfully

2. Not dying of nerves before going into the op theatre

3. Maintaining momentum after surgery (first fill is 6 weeks after surgery and I hate to think I'm going to be hungry during that time)

But really, I think I'll be ok. I've come such a long way without the band already I really cant see me coming apart cause things may not be completely right straight after. I'm just going to stick to the rules and make sure I never find out the pain of food being stuck, regurgitated or slipping through the system!

I'm worried about how much i've gained this weekend! I'm nowhere near hungry but I have been getting as much different foods I love in as possible so I'm a little concerned about weigh in tomorrow morning....

Anyway, there's enough time for punishment in the next two weeks....

No diet coke for 4 days!!

I wrote a whole post last night and it got stuffed up by our server. Very annoying but basically its says we have all the money we need for this so its all systems go! I have also been 4 days without diet coke and actually not missing it and actually not hungry...... there's definitely more to the story on this one. (Have only had about a litre in a week now) We'll see how I go on Optifilth without any soft drink at all (I refuse to drink or use artifical sweetners). So 10th February is the big day! And Tuesday is Optifilth! Yay, and birthday is smack bang in the middle! Wow, posting this now before it gets "lost".

And the date is......

Went for my first appointment with the clinic today and yes, I have a date! Will I have the money with very short notice? Not so sure but, I have a date. Drum roll please........ 10th February. Yes, as in 2009 less than 3 weeks away. Yes I will be starting Optifast on Tuesday next week, havent had any "lasts" but here I am. Always worked well under pressure and lived by the rule that if it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would ever get done! So here we go. Money should be OK but I wont let myself get too excited until I know for sure. Should know tomorrow or Monday at the latest but if its going to be longer I will start Opti and pray for the best. Oh, and did I mention its my birthday smack bang in the middle of my optifast? And that NO ONE knows what I'm doing? I think alarm bells will be ringing when I'm sucking on lettuce leaves for my birthday!

But I'm so excited but I have a very tight lid on it until I find out for sure about the money. Here I am stressing about the money and I know the universe is laughing and saying "the money? Puh! Thats the easy bit!" soon I'll be all on my own in this and REALLY have something to stress about.

I'm already looking at the world in a massively different way and one of my old dreams has resurfaced. I never got to wear a wedding dress. I was pregnant when I got married and I wore a maternity dress. I had already gained 10kgs and I was sooooo uncomfortable and only 3 months pregnant but felt 8 months. So, what I DREEEEEAM of doing is being about a size 12 (less would be great but 12 will do) and going into a bridal shop and trying on the most gorgeous dress possible and having photos. I just want to know what it feels like. Dont necessarily want the wedding day or to wear a dress like that for a whole day or walk up an aisle like a mong but just the dress just to feel it on me mmmmmmmmmmm.......

Thats my dream... a bit Muriels Wedding but I dont care, its all I want as far as physical appearance goes. My main dream is to be free of the addiction of food. Oh sweet relief! To stop this vicious cycle of eating the wrong things or too much, feeling bad, looking fat, eating to feel better, feeling bad, looking fat blah blah blah. Over it.

Must start posting before shots and getting a ticker going! Wooo very exciting (you can tell I'm keeping a lid on it cant you?)

"My name is Shaggs and I am a foodaholic"

Last night was the information seminar at the clinic I want to go to and woah!

As soon as I walked in it hit me in a rush that I had let it get to this point - that this was now a medical condition and required surgery! How had things gotten this bad? Why did they have to know as soon as I walked in what I was there for? So I walk into a room full of big seats and medically supplied large lounge chairs and sit down on my own (everyone seemed to have someone with them) and the tears just started springing to my eyes and I could have had a melt down right there and then. This was turing out to be my AA moment - "My name is Shaggs and I am a foodaholic". There was a skinny girl inside me crying her eyes out saying "no,no ,no I don't belong here you've got it all wrong!" but here I am anyway - and yes, I suffer from clinical obesity - there - I said it. No more denial, there's no mistaking it, it is what it is but it doesnt really help to admit it, just makes me want to eat more because of the pain of realisation. 

So anyway, the meeting was excellent, I loved the people who talked and the reasons why the clinic was developed and why they had big chairs (because of the indignities they had seen people suffer in "normal" situations the least they can do is provide a comfortable chair) I have just deleted an entire paragraph trying to explain how I feel about being there last night but I just couldnt find the right words and it kept coming out wrong. The fact of the matter is that if this was not a medical condition and was just about being lazy or slothish then there wouldnt be so many people suffering exercise and diet would work.

I have gotten some excellent responses to the whole is it really worth it question and so many of the answers were what I suspected but didnt just want to assume. I needed to hear it from people. I am soooooooooo excited about the surgery now. I totally trust the clinic I am going through now we just have to sort out the money side of things but I am ready to go and I'm so glad I have started some kind of control situation before the surgery and last night has given me even greater inspiration to keep on it (they said it was best to start sooner than later) That doesn't mean I wont be having a long series of "lasts" in the coming weeks!

The Diet Coke Conspiracy

I have always been suspicious of diet coke as, and I swear this, I did not have a weight problem until I started drinking diet coke. I can never say that it is the sole reason I have a problem but it is very suspicious and worth looking into.

I read a doctor on one of the blogs (thank you for that info Skinny in Texas) mention that -

"Artificially sweetened drinks can increase appetite, resulting in a higher consumption of food, not to mention the questionable effects that artificial sweeteners have on our bodies."

So I decided to look into this as it has been an interest of mine for some years and look what I found..

Check out these sites - definitely food for thought!
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/Story?id=4271246&page=1
http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20050613/drink-more-diet-soda-gain-more-weight

I LOVE diet coke and can easily consume at least a litre a day and easily more. When I do weight watchers and any kind of food control I really cut back partly because I dont like the whole gas issue and getting pumped up and bloated but also because I'm aware of my water intake and I dont get thirsty so then no coke. And I notice a huge difference in my bloatedness and my ability to stop eating during a meal. That could be because of the wash down effect I have learnt about whilst researching the lap band. Either way I am better off with limited or no diet coke. Friends and family have also noticed this effect.

And now check this...

My husband drinks regualr coke and if he gives it up and goes to diet drinks guess what, it makes absolutely no difference to his weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, my own little science experiment in the comfort of my own home! He does not lose a single gram by going from regular coke to diet coke. And yes it is a significant amount of coke too.

I have always been interested in diet products in that most of them offer no sugar but not much else either eg: energy. Would you not be better off consuming that bit of sugar and having some extra energy to burn than fake sugar and no extra energy??? Mmmmm interesting...

I think my next blog will be all of the useful (and interesting) tips I have gathered during the 17 years I have been overweight and yes, no diet coke will be on the top of that list......

WLS versus no WLS is it really worth it?

So, is it worth it? It seems that everyone is still suffering with food addiction even while banded so what does the band bring to the table? Will it actually help me and how? Sent out a post on a forum today and I'm ready to be burned at the stake by the die hards but I really need to know what is different after the band. It is my last concern but a really big one. I find out my surgery date on Thursday so I would really like to sort this one out - its my last residue of doubt. I guess this is so important because it is not necessarily just the weight that is my issue but the obsession with food. The constant concern with food! and I can't see that actually being dealt with by the surgery. It seems I'm just adding a new obsession ie; fills, unfills, restriction, good foods etc as well as even more problems ie; scarring (got horrendous internal scarring from c sections already), infections, financial costs, reflux etc etc. And I know exactly how to bypass the band already and it hasn't even been done yet! Is it that you start losing really quickly and that gives you the taste for more loss and propels you into the next "control yourself" zone?

I just want my brain back. What if I took it back? If I kept it busy I'm pretty sure it wouldn't get the chance to eat.

Blogging and journalling is a great distraction and I have been keeping track of foods now for a week or so and writing in a journal and I was doing really well until the weekend. I still didnt have a bender but we've been away and without a kitchen and while I have been trying to choose the healthy options its not alway possible. So anyway, I lost 1.6kgs without killing myself and no exercise although not sitting completely on my ass either. I've also cut alot of the alcohol and now I'm going to cut back on the diet coke thing too (thats another blog). I definitely noticed in my journal that I am a boredom eater. I want to eat everytime I am bored which, since I'm at home with kids alot, is quite often. I'm also a revenge/reflex eater. If my husband or anyone for that matter upsets me I get the strong and sudden urge to lash out on alcohol and food. And I'm also a comfort eater when my hard day is done I just want to zone out and soothe myself with a lil somethin'. So basically I'll eat for any old reason. Now I'm going to be a control eater, using food as the only mechanism by which i can gain a sense of control. I have been up for 2 hours now and still not had breakfast because half of me wants to take the healthy option and go cereal while the other half wants toast. So we're at a stalemate. So I'm blogging and posting instead stomach a growlin and getting weaker by the minute, cant type anymore, losing the will to live.....

The Full Frontal Lobotomy

Yes I feel like I've had a lobotomy. There's been a series of incidents that have led to an awakening this week, kind of shocking and kind of relieving. The first of which came when I took some pics for this blog and some general before pics. I was just taking some shots not to look bad deliberately or good just normal. It was like I looked at the sky and it was actually organge and purple not blue. I new I was overweight and I knew I was "bad" but this was something else! It is way beyond what I believed and my first thoughts was sorrow and empathy for my husband. He didnt sign up for this and this is seriously dysfunctional stuff. This is right "out there". This isnt going to be a great blog its 12.15am and I really want to go to bed but I just wanted to say this. I also saw my counsellor this week and she pointed out some things that I just hadnt seen and it renewed my power and strength in myself. So I weighed in Monday morning and I'll be reporting to my sister which has always worked well for us. I have been pretty "good" but today R is away for work and it kinda sets me off on emotional behaviour and without really thinking I have lost a bit of control. I am also torn between being really good now and getting ready for the big pre and post op cold turkey (got my first appt for next week) and going hell for leather and getting my last suppers in (notice I use plural). I'm loving my forum friends - they're brilliant info and support - this whole thing has woven into my everyday thoughts and life and I'm so ready for the changes to come!

"I ate a prawn eye and it tasted like sugar"

Yes thats what my special lil man tells me as he's answering my random questions to him just to see what's going on behind his big hazel eyes. X, that's what we'll call him, was and is my third born and much like the other two, he was a little unexpected or should we call him a "surprise". I'd like to go back almost five years ago to when we found out he was on the way - it goes to explaining alot about how I have ended up here in the fat persons no man's land, treading water in this sea of blubber, bad health and unfulfilled dreams.

Five years ago I worked for weight watchers, yes believe it or not and no I didnt stand at the door as a reminder to members of what would happen if they didnt count points. I was a star member melting those kilos away, I knew every point value for every item of food and if I didnt you could bet I could get to within half a point. I had this thing down pat! I walked and aquaaeorbicised?? I worked at weight watchers every Saturday morning, I got my meetings for free plus we got a commission off the door which was a top meeting each week and we did well. I had two beautiful precious little girls, so well behaved, smart, sweet one 3-4 years the other 1-2 years. I had my system down pat I was organised with food, cooked, passionate about new recipes and smarter ways of making the most out of your points - in aussie terms i was GOING OFF!!! (thats a good thing just to let the rest of the world know).

Its no wonder I lost 20kgs and looked and felt great. It was a battle fighting off my possessive husband who didnt want me gone til 10am every saturday morning, out pounding the pavements every other morning fighting off those kilos and still not the perfect size 10 but damn it, I was strong and I really didnt give a hoot what he thought, he had to deal with it. I even had a little part time job at a cafe which I loved to bits. And no I didnt eat the profits! I was run off my feet 3 hours a day 3 days a week. Life was grand! Well, as grand as it was going to get! I had my two babies,no more babes for me. I begged for a tubal ligation during the second c section but I was 29 and had only 2 babies and being a know it all pig of a man my doctor decided it was not in my best interests for me to be sterilised. My husband would not go for a vasectomy because (and I quote) "while you are not the wife I want I want to keep my options open in case I want to start again with another woman" not a joke (he conveniently forgets this comment but its tucked away there and locked into about 7.5kgs of the fat I'm carrying).

So, early 2004 and over 20kgs down with less than 10 to go to perfection I went to the doctor for the morning after pill but it had recently been put onto over the counter medication, no prescription necessary BUT it would cost $40 which I didnt have at the time (times were tough thus the job at cafe and ww) the doctor normally gives me a freebie. Anyway, it was a long shot surely I would be safe just this one time......

Well, it was the day before my first born was to start primary school, emotions were running high and I had noticed that my PMS had subsided without the appearance of the M bit so there I was at the chemist buying the pregnancy test just a month after I should have bought the morning after pill. Words cannot describe the shock. The total utter devastation! All of that hard work gone just like that. I know everyone's thinking "but you dont have to gain weight when you're pregnant" but if you can just imagine for a moment what it took for a certified food junkie to control her addiction under some pretty harsh, undermining and sabotaging situations and get soooooooooooo close to goal and then deal with unplanned pregnancy to boot! And this is the least of what went on that year, I will cover the other aspects later.

I cried for a good solid half hour. I sobbed loud, shrieking, groaning, screaming wracking sobs until my husband had to ask "are we crying because we're happy or because we're sad?" and being the perfect fascade of a wife and mother I had to say it was because we were happy but man my life fell apart right there on bedroom floor. And I've cried like that for the past five years at least weekly and sometimes more often. And I have still not built a bridge and gotten over it. Five years later.....

I know this is the reason I dont start the whole diet thing again, the morbid fear that something will sabotage me ..... AGAIN! If its not me, then my husband or another child (I got that tubal ligation in the end but by then I was begging for a hysterectomy but that wasnt "in my best interests"). Of course I have started but I have all the resolve of a virgin on prom night, I have just given up the ghost. And because of alot of things that happened that year, I have given up on life alot also - doesnt make for a very solid foundation for the perfect facade. So, being the sulky, moody, temperamental, oversensitive baby that I am I am still in a funk - 5 years later!

Yes, I gained those 20 kgs and more during the pregnancy and just as the precious little spawn turned one and I should have gotten my life back and started again he turned into the child from hell and now not only did I have a possessive husband to answer to, I had a tantrum chucking possessive, aggressive toddler to deal with who would only deal with me and NO ONE ELSE and a husband who fought this every step of the way. Our house was a constant war zone. Two pig headed, possessive, aggressive bastards fighting over their bitch. It was all I could do to not drink during the day, I certainly did at night and still do for the most part. I dont know if he was a product of a bad situation or he created the bad situation but which ever way you want to look at we were a shit team. He eventually turned good at around 3 years and yeah I lost 12kgs at the gym that year but the beginning of 2008 saw the facade crack and give way and those 5 years came crashing down and its a wonder I've only gained 12kgs although the show's not over yet.

I do wonder if I had of blogged or journaled then then maybe it all wouldnt of gotten so shit cause this is really so very cathartic and I sit and say maybe I've given up on myself too soon and shouldnt resort to surgery and give this another go by myself but at the rate this process proceeds I'll have lost 20kgs by the time I get surgery anyway if I put my money where my mouth is!

So a brief idea of what also went on in those proceeding years:

- My wonderful, precious mother figure grandmother died and funnily enough - I watched her slowly starve to death! (text book psychology this, I know)

- My mother used me for 4 years to build a million dollar property for her saying that we would be able to buy and live in half of it - she of course pulled the rug out from under me after doing the 4 years hard work and wouldnt sell us the property. Too much profit at stake! Kinda hard being financially raped by your mother.

- Husband unemployed for 3 months HUGE financial and emotional strain

- sister on death bed in Queensland with strange immune disorder

- Husband EXTREMELY unsupportive during death of grandmother. In fact everyone unsupportive, after all, was ONLY my grandmother, just because she was the mother figure I didnt have.

- First baby started school (boo hoo)

- Moved house to be the perfect rental tenants to my rapist mother (told you I was a walking train crash plus couldnt give up house I had designed and laboured over plus guilt ridden cheap stable rent)

- Did I mention the unplanned baby?

There's even more in all this but we must stop somewhere....

So, why cant I build a bridge and GET OVER IT!!!!! Is all of this just a handy few reasons to not work at being an effective member of the human race? Or is this all a genuine chipping away of a character until there is just nothing left to chip? Do I deserve to fall apart never to have to stand up again for another beating down? Is the surgery just a way to help me out of the symptoms? I do see a therapist these days although there's only so much you can cover in 1 hour sessions (usually go to 1.5 hrs though) and after an hour of dredging everything up, you have to walk out on the street and continue on like everything is OK?????? What does it actually resolve???? I think this blog thing is better.

So, do I be my own worst enemy and not even let myself try...again? Am I just as guilty or more so than those around me who have hurt my precious little feelings?(once again, boo hoo) Should I toughen the $^%^% up! Should I just keep crying every week? Should I just keep eating? I dont feel like I even have the strength, determination or the trust in myself to be able to try. You know, all this time I have been thinking about husband (lets call him R), mother, sister, grandmother, friends, life, god, the universe, whatever, whoever, letting me down but the worst let down of all, me. Cause I am literally all I have and I have let myself down. I have not been there when I needed me, I was absent, I wasnt a friend to myself, I wasnt a support, I just fumbled along leaving everything to a "Shaggs of the future" to deal with at a better time. Has that time come? Is it time to step up? Can I trust myself? Will I be there when the chips are down (food again!)? Or will I let myself fall flat on my face again? Dont know cant answer all that only time will tell, the proof is in the pudding but will I even get to that point to find out.....

In the meantime, I'll lay with him on his soft little bed and hold his soft little hands and try to figure out what made him eat a prawn eye.....

I love exercise!! It lets me eat!!!!

Had some luke warm feet this week and been looking at myself as objectively as possible and thinking do I really need this and the overwhelming answer is ......... YES SIREEE! Monday is the big day - I'll know then how long this will all take. At the moment it is March at the earliest and May at the latest. I just cant wait! I want to wear mumu's all day long! I need to wear size 20 pants at least but they are too long in the crotch but fit good at the waist and the leg loses all shape when you take them up to 40% of their original length. I'm worried about starting on a health kick in case I go below BMI 40 (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it) in case they knock me back which is my biggest fear at the moment. If i can just weigh in now and then straighten myself out for surgery for a little while I'll feel better. I just feel so out of control.

My good friend diet buddy is back on weight watchers this week and she's sweatin over the tiniest portions of food with a stomach that can hold and entire block of chocolate after a large main meal. How can you do that? Thats beyond me now. I cant engage with her cause I dont want to tell anyone about what I'm doing and I dont want to join her cause. I'm happy to exercise with her (i love exercise and I think I'll tell you that long story now) but I wont go down the food restriction side of things.

So, me and food and exercise....My problem is I over eat. I love savoury! Yum yum salt and cream and good big meals. Dont particularly like junk but I love to eat out and eat a big pub meal swimming in a creamy sauce...... oh yeah baby! Have you ever had a food gasm? The orgasm for the foodie? Oh yeah - changes who you are... very bad relationship with food - its the boy from the wrong side of the tracks... its the preachers son in Dustys famous song. Dont mind the odd dessert but give me a cheese plate any day! And wine wine wine wine. Hunter Valley was mine and food's honeymoon! Wine and great great food! I'm making myself hungry must stop!

I used to love cooking but now food is the enemy and I eat kids left overs and crusts and wipe out fry pans and saucepans. Wont cook for myself - dont deserve it.

So I learnt to exercise!

Always loved a bit of physical activity never been lazy always got something to do and I joined a gym and boy did I go for it! My entire 2007 was the gym! Loved it! but by the end of 2007 I had lost about 12kgs (6 pnds)  MAYBE on a great day. I had gone down about 3 sizes, did the city to surf at 7km per hour (thats great running/jogging) came 2nd in the very competitive survivor challenge at the gym. I was the fittest fat chick you'd ever meet. but I was still the fat chick! I was toned and tight and fit and a bit smaller but I was still fat.....can you believe it? I was doing at least 1 hour a day 6 days a week and I was fat!!!!!!! And my shit head husband just kept saying "why bother going when you just eat whatever you want when you get home" well why suffer from both ends I ask you? I exercise so I can eat!!! Duh! Anyway, I now weigh 12kgs more again after a year of very little exercise and let me tell thats why I would go to the gym shit head and anyway, its been worth it! I used to kill myself in that place for what.....12kgs!!!!!! Bugger that!

So now i cry that I am uncomfortable, awkward, I have reached my breaking point literally - my skin will split open if I keep this up. what to do!??? Not drinking for a while helps, but really, I am an addict and thats it! I cant give this up without serious intervention! How come its ok for drug addicts to go to rehab but I feel bad as a food addict going to surgery? Its still going to be hard work, its still food restriction, i still need to exercise but man, I feel like a cheater!!! Even though I know I'm not I think thats what others will think. That you go for the surgery and you wake up and you're size 8! Thats it, no input from you whatsoever! easy way out!!!!!! Wrong I know but will they know......

The hang over is over and we're now in the cold stark reality of Monday.  Seems that every man and his dog wants an appointment at the moment (thanks to New Years Resolutions) so I have two set up at my last two preferences and my first preference is closed til next Monday. Definitely got ants in my pants now although the reality of actually how much it is going to cost has set in although at this stage that is a secondary concern - definitely cant put a price on it! 

My biggest fears are:

- The flab from losing weight so quickly

- My revolting will to "get around" the system and cheat the band

- My wishing that - I didnt do it and realising that exercise and diet are actually not that bad at all

- That something horrendous or really just annoying will happen during or post op and just make my life miserable - I can handle death I just dont want gross pain, disfigurement or severe annoyance for the term of my life

- That people will find out and accuse me of taking the easy way out

The best thing to come of this list is the realisation that diet and exercise are not that bad but I need help with bigger things than just moving my butt (which I do pretty well) and eating fruit and veg (which I also do pretty well). Its quantity and compulsion but whats going to stop me from being compulsive with the band? Will I not feel hungry like on Duramine? That was such blissful relief - no hunger!!!! And a gorgeous feeling of well being!!!! If only I could just have a scratch of that it would all be worthwhile. (you may ask why I dont just keep taking Duramine? It gave me scary heart situations and its effect wore off within a week and I really didnt want to up the dosage) I'm hoping that the hunger that propels my everyday life just isnt there after this. (??? we'll see)

I just want to be free of the compulsion, of the drive, of the prison that food keeps me in. I want it to be a secondary thought not primary. I want to off load some of the very very very hard work that this has become - it is so much bigger than me now!

I am LOVING the bloggers and forum posters I have been meeting, they are awesome! I want to join for all areas of my life (ie; mothers who find it hard getting along with other whingeing pain in the butt mothers, women who spend an inordinate amount of time wishing their husbands would get a girlfriend and leave them alone etc etc) I could have my most feral inner situations supported by others JUST LIKE ME! 

I love the internet, what did we do for encouragement and support before forums?

The Day 2 Hang Over

So, day two here since final decision made and I'm looking at myself and saying "do I really need this" "I'm not so bad" "I can do this" but you know what, I can't and yes I'm bad enough and Yes I do need this. I kid myself that I wear the weight well and I'm a bit muscly and that weighs more etc etc but I cannot ignore the health effects of this weight. No matter how hard the surgery gets I will have to get through it, I'm good at getting through things but initiating and committing and resolving, nup, not my gig. 

I have always wished I woke up thin one day and all I had to do was maintain it. Do you know that feeling? That if your goal was already there, you could look after it. To eat and struggle and deprive yourself like a size 8 girl when you are in physical actuality a size 20 or more is REALLY hard. You are in your mindset and your actions a size 8 already but the disappointing reality is that you are ignored, belittled, disregarded and put down as the size 20 plus you are in the physical world. A size 8 girl maintains her size in large because of the benefits of that size to her. A size 20 girl has to see into the future and hold that to get through the day even though that future is in reality 2 years or more away. Thats hard!!!!! 

I'm looking forward to the shocking reality of not being able to eat like I do now. The difference in my life that comes with a huge change like having a baby, a marriage or surgery or given a new appendage eg: a new stomach! And I LOVE it when things are forced upon me - like there is no option to eat more I will become violently ill if i do. Pain and suffering (immediate only) is a great motivator for me. I am a procrastinator so removing all of my choices physically will be a huge relief. I am typically spoilt for choice and given the chance I will always err on the side of the bad choice. Thats what I do.

So, today I say bring it on! Its been hard not sharing this news with the whole family I saw today but I do not want to be talked out of this or put down for my decisions. I have gotten some excellent support online from other bloggers (thank you all so much) and as far as I can see in my immediate circle no one else is going through day in and day out what I'm going through and the complete strangers out there in cyber world know exactly what I'm going through so I'll take the lectures from them (even though they don't lecture) and the know it alls but actually dont know it all apart from what they see on A Current Affair can keep their noses out of it!

Oh how the mighty fall!

Never blogged, never forumed, never myspaced (only facebooked kicking and screaming just last 6 months to organise a reunion and i still have NEVER given a status report) and now here I am with a blog of my own within 12 hours of reading my first forum! and no I'm not computer illiterate I was just one of those mongs who thinks if you have a real life, live it, dont talk about it online but today that all changed........

Today I started looking into lap banding surgery. I have researched many times but this time its happening and I am wetting my pants with excitement! I have cracked the magic BMI of 40 (well 39 but lets not split hairs) and its time to go. So, I have learnt so much and met so many nice people just today through blogs and forums that I have decided I would like a comprehensive record of this process to help others and myself.

There will be plenty of pictures to come - feral as some will be. I'm still deciding how much of my identity I want to reveal I dont mind to strangers but I dont really want to connect with people in my real world cause quite frankly if they dont get to know me in reality, why be a voyeur and "snoop" online?

My story begins oh I dont know when or where to start but lets just say I lived the first half of my 35 years a perfect specimen of human being. Gorgeous smart talented blah blah blah. Had a few crap relationships in the teen years one particularly young and particularly bad and food became my friend. And then came the weight. Looking back I wasnt that bad in my early 20's but at the time I was consumed by it because lets face it, if you're not perfect then its a pretty big deal. So, I met my husband during one of my slim yo yo periods and I fell pregnant and we got married immediately in less than a year I was a wife and mother and had doubled my size yes 40kilos in one year! Well, you can imagine my husband was beside himself and has been ever since. On good days he can be very supportive and encouraging and at our lowest points he has called me names and treated me in ways I wouldn't wish upon my absolute worst enemy. So, you can imagine where this has left me - with a protective layer of 100 kilos of flesh on a 160cm frame (thats 200 odd pounds and 5ft 1 or 2 maybe). Sometimes I wear it well and sometimes I dont. People still say I'm attractive with a pretty face and a good personality but as I am often reminded, they're not married to me! I live in black black black black and would LOVE to wear a colour without feeling like an overripe piece of fruit. 

We had our 20 year school reunion this year and instead of doing a 6 month pre reunion beauty regime I uglied up! Yes, I was the biggest I've ever been I had my long blond hair cut off to an ugly limp bob (I did it myself in a Britney moment of madness - yes I can display some pretty insane behaviours) and died a hideous flat brown (also done by me) I wore my mothers clothes it just could not have been worse! The last time these people saw me I was the 50 kilo gorgeous vice Captain of the school and now.......woah! AND I organised the reunion!!!! Can you believe I brought this on myself!!!!!!!!!! I am a walking train crash - sometimes I just love to set myself up for disappointment!!! TOPS!!!! It was a record turn out and now I know why.. people just love to watch train crashes, have you seen YouTube? Its full of train crashes. Thats what everyone wanted to see - the Prom Queen gone horribly wrong it was worth the $45 a ticket - top entertainment! 

So its all over now. I know it is all out of my control now and I am turning to the last resort and I am STOKED about it. I have no illusions or delusions about how hard its going to be but here I am. My biggest fear is the liquid diet you have to do before hand! If I could go two weeks on liquid without having my stomach massively reduced I wouldnt need surgery in the first place thats why I'm doing this but I have to go through a baptism of fire first - great!

Enough for now, I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight now, I'm so excited about this whole thing including the blog. Stay tuned for all the gory details of the few things I've mentioned here - and boy does it get gory!

BTW I'm not telling anyone (except you guys) about the surgery except my husband (and no, he isnt forcing me into this it is totally my choice) so we'll see how that works out, should be interesting got some pretty close (sometimes suffocating) family and friends who will be shocked to the core when they find out - its gonna make for some pretty good soapiesque moments!